I pushed the throttle slowly, feeling a jolt of energy rush through me. Suddenly, I was driving on top of the water. My first few turns were shaky at best, but Kai kept giving me a thumbs-up. He stood effortlessly, circling my path while seeming to keep an eye on every move I made. The steering handle didn’t have much play in it, so that took some getting used to. But once I was comfortable, I pushed the throttle deeper, increasing my speed.
THIS IS AMAZING!
I glanced back at Kai. He was beaming like a little boy on Christmas morning. Obviously, he loved this hobby and was happy to share it with someone. I was happy, too. At least as happy as someone recently diagnosed with a brain disconnection could be.
Kai signaled for me to come over to the middle of the lake where he idled.
“Race?”
He both yelled and signaled the guidelines for our race. Our finish line was a tree on the far side of the lake, he pointed to it. He also indicated that 40mph was our cut-off speed. I nodded.
We were off a second later.
We raced on the water over and over, Kai winning every time, although he would usually let me get ahead at least once during the lap. After a good solid hour of racing and spraying each other with lake water, it was time to eat.
Kai had brought a blanket and a cooler filled with Subway sandwiches, chips, drinks, and fruit. I had to admit—even if just to myself—that this type of kindness didn’t exist in my life outside of Stacie. It was a strange feeling to be the one being served—a bit of an uncomfortable one.
“You were awesome out there,” Kai said. “I think you were lying to me earlier. You’ve definitely done this before.”
“No, I swear, that really was my first time. It’s a lot of fun…being on the water like that is really amazing,” I said, surprised at the ease in which I spoke to him. He handed me a sandwich bag.
The water must have knocked something loose in my crazy brain. Did I just really say the words fun and amazing in the same sentence?
Kai smiled at me as he took another bite of his sandwich. He leaned onto his left forearm, propping his body up at the elbow as he ate. He extended his legs on the blanket casually, lying on his side. My eyes grazed briefly over his bare chest and arms. He had the kind of body I had only ever seen on a protein shake advertisement.
Photoshop had nothing on Kai.
I averted my gaze quickly, shifting to stare down at my apple instead.
“I knew you’d like it,” Kai said.
“What...like what?”
Embarrassment burned my face and neck. A second later, I realized what he was referring to.
Oops.
“Whoa there...I was just agreeing with you. It really is quite breathtaking.”
Which part, your arms or your chest?
“Uh, yes. The lake is gorgeous,” I said.
I smiled weakly, ashamed of my internal dialogue—okay, maybe ashamed was too strong a word.
Family friend...keep that in mind, Tori!
“I grew up on the water. On my island in Samoa there’s not much distinction between land and water. You live on both. It’s funny to see older kids here getting swim lessons for the first time, I swear the parents on my island just throw their little ones in and hope they’ll figure it out.”
Kai laughed, and handed me a soda.
“When did you move to the States? How old were you?” I asked, briefly touching his hand as I grabbed the drink.
“I was twelve...so about fourteen years ago now. My father passed away when I was ten, from cancer. He had always wanted his only son to be in medicine. He and my mother saved for years so I could be educated in the States. Before he passed, he made her promise that she would still take me. It was a pretty hard transition at first, but we’re both happy to be here now,” he said.
“Your mom lives in Texas, then?” I asked.
He sat up straighter, clearly pleased by my interest.
“Yes, she bought a house in Richardson. She has a great community of friends at her church and has found peace with herself and with God. She’s a remarkable woman, very strong and brave. She’s my hero in more ways than one.”
My heart pounded hard in my chest. Hearing a son speak that way of his mother was not just uncommon, it was touching—even for the emotionally disturbed like myself.
“What about you, Tori? Tell me about your family.”
My family?
What do I say after that story?
“It seems like you know them already. I don’t have much to say, I guess. It’s just my parents, Jack and Stacie, and me.”
He smiled knowingly and said, “But that’s more than double the amount of family I have, so I’m sure there’s plenty more you could say.”
No, because relationships make family...not just warm bodies.
“Tell me about how you know Jack and Stacie,” I said, redirecting.
“Let’s see...Jack and I met at a softball game when both the umpire and the batter ended up with bloody, broken noses. Jack was the one who led us to the dugout to assess their injuries. We struck up a conversation and it turned out we both went to the same church. It’s just so large we had never met before. I saw him there a few times after that. I guess our friendship just grew from there. Stacie was always inviting me over for dinner...I think she must have felt bad for me being a bachelor and all. You really have a great family, Tori.”
And there it was again, beating me over the head.
My family.
I stood up, ready to be done with this conversation in every way possible. I challenged Kai to another round of Jet Ski races. He did not refuse.
ELEVEN
Back on the water I was free.
We circled the lake several times, jumping each other’s wakes. I pushed the throttle harder feeling the rush of adrenaline surge through my veins. My hair whipped violently in the wind, having lost the tie that once held it back. Each minute I drove, my inhibitions dissipated.
With a newfound bravery, I stood, like I had seen Kai do earlier. I could see him now to the side of me, pushing his Jet Ski forward to keep up with my increasing pace. Soon the world around me started to fade. There was no Kai, no motor sound, no trees, no rocks, no boats, and no water.
There was only me. Alone.
In an instant, I was trapped, reliving my nightmare again.
Alone, I sat up, dazed by the buzzing and the lights around me. Cords tugged at my body and my ribs were aching from my shallow breaths. I tried to place my surroundings.
Looking down at my hands, both bandaged and taped, I threw the blankets off my legs in a panic. I was in a hospital. The confusion was overwhelming, but not nearly as overwhelming as the memories that flooded just seconds later when the doctor walked into the room.
He was followed by Stacie and my parents. Their voices were muddied and thick, asking questions as they pet my hair like some stray animal.
I ignored them all. Reaching out my hand to the doctor, my mind burned with only one question.
“How is she—the little girl?” I asked. My throat was so dry and scratchy, the words were hard to force out.
No one answered.
Their efforts to distract me were futile. I pushed them off me with every bit of strength I had, and asked my question again. This time my voice broke with violent emotion.
“How is she? How is the little girl?” I demanded.
The doctor came to the side of my bed, his head bowing low, eyes down.
I didn’t hear his words; I didn’t need to.
My body went limp and cold all over. I closed my eyes, sobbing into my bandaged hands. I willed myself to fall asleep, hoping I’d never wake.
I wanted to stay in the dark, where I wouldn’t have to feel—ever again. But the nightmare stayed with me no matter if I was awake or asleep.
It was always the same, always.
The Jet Ski was at its peak speed now, zipping through the blurs around me. I wanted it all to be over. I wanted the nightmare to
end. No matter how many lives I had hoped to save in the future, it would never replace the one I took.
Anna was gone...forever.
I heard a muffled scream somewhere in the distance, but I couldn’t find its source. Instinctively, I turned the Jet Ski—sharply.
And then, I was flying.
The flight itself was only a few blissful seconds in length. Then gravity pulled me down onto the wet concrete-like surface. The water slapped every part of my exposed skin as I tumbled end over end.
I missed the rock wall at the water’s edge, but just by a couple of feet. I tried to cry out in pain but only managed to swallow a mouthful of water. Even though I survived, I was certain my skeleton was all that remained. No skin could possibly be left intact after such a beat-down.
My life jacket kept me bobbing on the surface while ten thousand stinging needles poked at me. My ears throbbed as I coughed over and over trying to catch one full breath without tasting the lake. With my eyes pointed up toward the sky, I waited for the fog around me to clear.
Stop running.
My head snapped up in attention.
Who said that?
I looked to my right. Kai slowed his Jet Ski as he got close.
“Tori...are you okay? What on earth happened?” he asked as he slipped into the water in front of me.
“Did you...did you say something a minute ago?” I asked softly, just inches from his face.
“What? Yes! I said lots of things...I’ve been screaming at you to slow down for the last five hundred yards. What happened?” he asked again, this time his tone much firmer than the last.
Oh, it was Kai?
Or am I hearing voices now, too?
Stop running.
I grabbed his upper arm tightly.
Panic overwhelmed me, trumping the pain that my body was still recovering from.
“I’m sorry, Tori. You must be scared. I was scared just watching you. How’s your neck? Do you feel, okay? Do you think you can ride back with me to the shore?” he asked. “I ‘ll come back out in a minute and pull your Jet Ski in. Let’s just get you settled first,” he said touching the back of my neck gently.
“I...I think so. Will the Jet Ski be okay?”
“Don’t worry about that, it’s fine. That’s easily replaceable...you are not,” Kai said.
If my body hadn’t been so red from hitting the water, I’d swear I was blushing. Kai boosted me up onto his Jet Ski as gently as possible, and then climbed on after me. He steered easily from behind, never exceeding 10 mph. I winced a few times as my legs thawed, but the nearness of Kai was a nice distraction.
How long has it been since I was touched longer than the briefness of a handshake or greeting hug?
I couldn’t remember.
It had been over a year at best.
Kai drove the Jet Ski up onto the shore and hopped off. He started to un-buckle my life vest, but then hesitated, as if waiting for my permission. My arms were still so stiff from my landing though, that I nodded without a second thought.
In an instant, I was freed of its constriction.
“Let me help you over to the blanket, Tori.”
He lifted me off the seat and braced my unsteady walk over to the blanket, the same blanket we had sat on an hour earlier.
“Thank you...and I’m sorry, Kai. I’m usually not this dramatic of a person. You’ve seen me at my worst and you’ve only known me a week!” I said, mortified.
His expression was soft, kind, but it held something else in it as well that I couldn’t identify. He was quiet for a few seconds longer than felt comfortable before he shook his head.
“Maybe it’s me, then? Maybe I’m a bad luck charm?”
His smile spread from ear to ear, as he knew that was the farthest thing from the truth. If anything, Kai had practically rescued me on three different occasions now. Odds were not working in my favor lately.
I’m turning into a helpless victim around this guy.
But even as I thought it, it wasn’t reason enough for me to stay away from him. That, was the scariest thought I’d had all day.
Kai’s eyes skimmed over my body, doing his best to look like the professional he was. He pointed out the bright red spots that would most likely bruise. Ultimately, he decided that there was no serious damage done. I was a tad disappointed when the injury inventory was over.
You are going to feel pretty stupid when he tells you you’re just like the little sister he never had.
“If you’re okay here for a minute, I’ll go pull in the other Jet Ski so it doesn’t float too far down the lake.”
I nodded.
While Kai was retrieving my Jet Ski, I laid my head back and tried to process what had happened. It took a second, but then it all came back.
I had crashed because I couldn’t switch back to reality from the memory of the doctor telling me about Anna. I swallowed hard.
PTSD was riddled with flashbacks, wasn’t it?
Wasn’t that what I’d heard about veterans after coming back from war?
Though this was far from my first flashback, the intensity had been much stronger. If I couldn’t control when they happened, I could potentially be a danger to anyone at any time. Given the right set of circumstances—or wrong—I was nothing short of a walking, living hazard.
Stop running.
My eyes flew open as I looked from left to right.
No one.
Chills climbed up my spine.
God?
No answer.
Of course there’s no answer, don’t be stupid!
Laying on the shore waiting for Kai, I knew I really only had one option left. If I didn’t want to go completely insane before my twenty-fourth birthday, I would have to take it. Hearing voices and having movie-type flashbacks were among the short list of things that would be cause for new concern, but honoring Anna was still at the top of my list.
Maybe it was time for a compromise with Dr. Crane after all.
**********
Our drive home felt shorter than the drive out to the lake earlier that day. Kai hummed softly to the music on the radio as I laid my head against the window. He had some God station tuned-in. I didn’t care what music it was though. His voice was soothing; I wished I could hear more of it.
Ultimately, I knew there wouldn’t be more of anything when it came to Kai and I. Our time together had meant one thing: nothing.
Even still, I wanted to cherish the last of it. If I was destined to play the role of little sister within this mix of family and friends, then I only wanted a few minutes to pretend otherwise.
Just a few minutes to dream that in some past life things might have been different for us. That broken didn’t have to mean eternally lonely. That a man like Kai could find a woman like me interesting and attractive. I held onto my fantasy all the way to Stacie’s driveway.
It was late afternoon when we pulled up to the house. The sun was getting lower on the horizon and a soft breeze blew in from the east. Kai beat me to my door again, helping me out of his large Ford truck. As I stepped down, I could feel the bruises forming on my thighs.
“I had a really nice time today, Tori—with the exception of your death-defying crash. I wish you could have said the same. Today didn’t really work out for you like I had hoped it would,” he said.
His tender smile caused the butterflies to awaken inside me once again.
“I can...I mean, I did have a really nice time today—with the exception of my bad driving skills and depth perception,” I said, rolling my eyes.
He chuckled then, stepping closer. He reached his hand out toward my face. I was a mixture of both fire and ice as he skimmed the curve of my scar with his thumb. I was frozen, yet my skin blazed from the heat of his touch.
He withdrew his hand quickly, a look of uncertainty flashing in his eyes. It had happened so quickly that I wondered if I had imagined it. I was known for my vivid imagination, after all.
But I could still feel t
he flush of my cheeks.
It had been real, right?
“I’d like to see you again, Tori. Maybe we could do something a little less dangerous next time,” he said, his eyes locking onto mine.
My stomach flipped wildly as my palms began to sweat. This had to end now; I had to stop this before all my dignity and control were lost forever. There was no magic pixie dust for me. I wouldn’t ever be a girlfriend. I could barely be a friend.
The role of little sister would have to suffice.
The only other alternative…was to be nothing at all.
I stared down at my feet.
“Thank you Kai for being so willing to befriend me with no questions asked. I’m sure Jack will be really happy to know that he could count on you. I’ll tell Stacie to ask you over for dinner soon,” I said, my heart racing.
“Oh...okay,” he said.
Kai took a step back and looked at me inquisitively. I stood motionless, not quite sure what my next move should be.
Why did he look so…disappointed?
I had just invited him to hang out at my family dinners, he should be thrilled!
“Have a good evening, Tori. Please say goodbye to your sister for me.” He turned and walked to his truck. His back faced me as I watched him grip the handle of his door.
Then, he stopped.
My heart stopped, too.
In that second I wished more than anything that I could be unbroken. I envied all those normal, carefree girls that knew nothing about shame, or loss, or heartache. The girls that wouldn’t think twice about saying yes to spending more time with a guy like Kai.
“Tori?”
Kai stared at me, a look of confident determination on his face.
“Yes?”
“For the record, Jack never asked me to befriend you. That was all my doing. Have a good weekend.”
He winked at me before closing his door and driving away.
For once my mind was blank. No thoughts, no sarcasm, no witty banter. Kai had pursued me all on his own, and I had just pushed him away.
A teeny, tiny shred of a feeling that I hadn’t known in quite some time was pushing its way up through the cracks of my past.
All For Anna Page 8