All For Anna

by Deese, Nicole

  Please don’t let me go so easily, Kai.

  TWELVE

  “It’s so nice to hear from you Victoria, what did you decide?” Dr. Crane asked.

  I was surprised when she answered her phone on a Saturday afternoon, until she explained that she’d given me her cell number. She told me I was welcome to call her anytime a need arose.

  Do I have Dr. Bradley to thank for that courtesy?

  “I would like to schedule an appointment,” I said.

  “Okay...how does ten o’clock work for you next Wednesday morning?

  “That would be fine. I’m only scheduled to work Wednesday and then the weekend of next week, so I’d like to pick up some on call hours once you sign off,” I said, reminding her of the bargain she’d made.

  “Sounds good. I’ll have your paperwork ready for you Wednesday morning. Take care…and Victoria? Your first homework assignment is to connect. Try to connect with at least one person and we’ll discuss how it went at your appointment,” she said.

  After hanging up the phone I replayed her words in my head.

  Connect?

  So pretty much the opposite of what happened today with Kai, then.

  Awesome. Just awesome.

  I slumped back on my bed. It would be a long week if I didn’t pick up any extra hours. Wednesday couldn’t come soon enough. I needed that paperwork ASAP.

  I was exhausted both mentally and physically from my time at the lake. I heard Stacie pass by my open door while talking on the phone. She paused, as if wanting me to overhear her conversation. I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep; too bad she knew my trick.

  “…Yes, I’ll ask her. She just needs some time," Stacie said.

  I could guess what was being said on the other end of that call. I chose instead to picture the calm of the lake, the blue of the sky and the beautiful Samoan I had just watched drive away.

  You’ll have to deal with her sometime; You can’t ignore her forever.

  I heard Stacie come in my room. I peeked out through one eye and saw her standing with her hands on her hips.

  “So that was Mom on the phone. I was trying to help her understand that pushing you isn’t going to work...”

  I hope she heard you, ‘cause she never seems to hear me.

  “Thanks,” I said, opening my eyes fully. “What does she want?”

  “She wants me to ask you if you’ll go shopping with us this evening…for the baby. We are going to narrow down our choices for both boy and girl—for the nursery. That way after the ultrasound we can get to work. I would really love for you to come, too.”

  Stacie was so sincere when she spoke. Her sweet demeanor was impossible for me to ignore. I thought for a few seconds, and then looked back at the clock. If I could rest for an hour, would I be willing to go?

  Since one of my connection opportunities had already failed, maybe this was my second chance?

  I agreed, but only on the stipulation that I could take a nap first. Stacie, of course, was thrilled. I hoped I had made the right call. Her reaction scared me, but that was fairly normal.

  For every one thought I had, Stacie had about ten emotions that could match it. Her passion scale started where mine topped-out. Pregnancy had made that gap between our personalities even more extreme.

  “Great, I’ll let her know. We can leave here around six thirty. Let’s get some Chinese for dinner...the baby and I have been craving it for weeks! And Tori...you will tell me all about your date today, right? ”

  I sighed as I waved my hand in the air before turning over to position my head under my pillow. I heard her leave a few seconds later. Stacie was nothing, if not persistent. I knew that wouldn’t be the end of it.

  **********

  Mom looked like she was dressed for a photo shoot with Southern Living when she entered The Baby Warehouse. Everything was a perfect match with her: her french-tipped nails, her nautical handbag and her navy and red pumps. She was the perfect combination of color and class.

  If I hadn’t known this woman, I would have thought her striking and confident. Nobody ever believed that she was fifty. Often, people assumed that the three of us were sisters when we were all together—an assumption I was quick to correct, even under my mother’s disapproving glare.

  “Hello my darlings! How fun that we all get to be together again, and shopping, too,” she said, announcing her greeting to the entire store.

  I hugged her quickly, hoping it would have a calming effect on her. I did not want more cause for commotion. She walked close to me throughout the store, picking out every piece of cute baby paraphernalia that she saw. After awhile, it all kind of looked the same to me. This crib or that crib, this stroller or that stroller, this highchair or that highchair, etc. But I was happy for Stacie. I knew it had to be hard on her with Jack away, so I decided I would keep my mouth shut and take it all in stride. I would try to connect.

  Did this count as connecting yet?

  I sure hope so.

  After nearly two hours of listening to, “Oh my word! That’s soooo darling,” or, “Isn’t that just so precious?” It was time to eat. I did not complain.

  The Chinese restaurant was fairly crowded, but they managed to seat us in just ten minutes. Stacie’s baby bump gave us a slight advantage.

  “So Tori, how’s work going?” my mother asked after our order was taken.

  “Pretty good, just learning the hospital’s protocols for now and job shadowing,” I said.

  If I couldn’t be completely honest with Stacie about all that went on in Trauma, I had to be even more guarded with my mother.

  “Ya know, I still have a friend in Labor and Delivery that would be happy to hire you if you ever wanted to switch floors,” my mother added. Good intentioned as she was, she was completely oblivious to any specifics about my life or career. “Thanks Mom, I’ll keep that in mind.”

  Switch floors? Like that’s even how it worked.

  Connecting is way more difficult than I had anticipated.

  “Stacie told me that you went out earlier today with Kai Alesana. How did that go? He’s sure a sweet young man.” My mother looked at me, waiting for a response.

  I turned to look at Stacie who was suddenly very focused on her appetizer.

  Connect. Connect. Connect.

  “It was fine. We’re just friends. I actually see him around my hospital, so we’re more like friendly co-workers,” I said.

  Good one.

  “Well, if I were a young single woman, he’d be the kind of friend I would want to have. That’s for sure.”

  She winked at Stacie who giggled into her drink.

  “I didn’t realize you knew him that well, Mom?”

  The second I asked the question, I wished I could take it back. I didn’t want to encourage a discussion about Kai, but my curiosity proved stronger than my logic.

  “Oh, well...I wouldn’t say I know him too well, but he has come over a few times for family cook-outs. Actually, he and Jack built our latest deck renovation last spring. He was quite the handyman. They made a pretty good team, wouldn’t you agree Stace?” she asked.

  “For sure, although I think they did it more for the free baked goods and daily diving competitions,” Stacie said. She laughed as she set her drink down.

  “Diving competitions?”

  “Tori, you should have seen them! Because it was so hot out, they would dive into the pool the second they were finished working. There was this whole rating system they came up with; how did it go again, Stacie?”

  Stacie jumped into the story as if right on cue. Full of animation, she threw her arms in the air and laughed loudly.

  “They would only get a ten if they could complete the crazy obstacle courses they laid out for each dive. If neither of them could complete it, then neither would score. One that Jack set up involved our two lawn chairs. They had to jump over them both, spin around three times, and then dive backward into the pool perfectly for it to count. It was like the Oly
mpics for the testosterone-challenged!”

  I laughed, picturing the comedy show that must have been. It seemed strange that I hadn’t known Jack and Kai as friends, but I could imagine they got along quite well. My mother’s face changed as she watched me laugh with Stacie. I tried to place it her look.

  Was it relief?

  “I don’t think I told you, Tori, but Dad and I have been visiting Stacie and Jack’s church for the last few months,” my mother said.

  Now that was surprising. My parents had attended the same church since before I was born—at least on important holidays or to meet their clients before a lunch date. The idea of them gracing the doors of another was downright revolutionary, especially after my mom’s initial reaction to Stacie’s church transfer years ago.

  “What? No, I hadn’t heard that,” I said.

  “Yes, it’s been really nice seeing them there,” Stacie added.

  “Why the change, I don’t understand. Did something happen to Pastor Howard?” I asked.

  “Oh heavens, no. We haven’t made anything official quite yet, but change is necessary sometimes. It’s been really good to feel challenged again after such a difficult season.”

  Difficult season?

  “Tori, are you going to join us tomorrow? I would sure love for you to come and meet some of our friends,” Stacie asked.

  Oh no. Think of something...think of anything!

  “Tori?”

  “I, uh…can I let you know in the morning?” I asked.

  I didn’t want to talk about church, or anything it involved. This last year and a half had been hard enough for me; I didn’t need any more complications. God and I seemed to have a mutual understanding now. He didn’t ask anything of me and I didn’t ask anything of Him.

  It was working out just fine.

  Was it really?

  The question seemed to jump out of thin air, sending goose bumps down my spine.

  It wasn’t that I held any disrespect toward those that wanted to believe in God, or even the idea of church community. I had finally realized though, that I was no longer the type of person that needed church. Nor was I a person the church needed.

  I could grasp the concept of desiring acceptance from seemingly spiritual people. I also understood that there were folks who looked to the church for balance, support and comfort. But religion could offer me none of those things now.

  My guilt overshadowed them all.

  Dodging Stacie the last two Sundays had been fairly easy. I knew that wouldn’t be the case forever though. The truth would have to come out and I would rather it be sooner than later. I knew she wouldn’t want to hear it, but that didn’t change the fact that her God and I hadn’t shifted out of neutral in a very long time.

  Thankfully, the conversation moved on to the baby. That was always a safe and welcome topic for me. I sat back, shifting into listen-only mode. They discussed everything from nursery décor to co-sleeping, breast-feeding vs. bottle feeding, and the most-debated topic, “cloth or disposable diapers?”

  I ate my Chinese food silently. Since I was momentarily under the radar, I found myself day-dreaming about another foreign food, one that I had never experienced—authentic Samoan.

  Did Kai cook it?

  Did his mom cook it for him? Did he even like it anymore, or was McDonalds his type of food now since he was an American?

  Mom paid the bill before we said goodbye in the parking lot. The night had been relatively painless—almost enjoyable. My mother had seemed different. Not in personality or social mannerisms necessarily, but different nonetheless. It bothered me a great deal that I couldn’t identify what it was. In the end I chalked it up to the length of time we had been apart.

  How arrogant I was to think that my life was the only one that could have changed over the last seventeen months. I made a mental note to inquire about it later to Stacie, after a good long sleep.

  I was exhausted.

  THIRTEEN

  Sunday.

  It wasn’t like I had blatantly lied to Stacie while I was living in Phoenix; I just hadn’t offered her the whole truth. She believed the reason I had worked every Sunday was because I had no other option, but in reality, I had requested that shift. I figured as long as I worked on Sundays, the church questions would stay on hold. I had been right.

  Though I had prepared an excuse for why I couldn’t attend this morning’s service, I hadn’t been prepared to get a call from my dad.

  “Hey Dad, how are you?” I asked, answering the phone on my nightstand.

  “I’m good, Sugar. Your mom told me all about your great time last night and I was so happy to hear that you three were back together again, breaking the bank no less,” Dad said.

  “Yeah, it was good,” I said.

  “I know Mom told you that we’ve been attending church with Jack and Stacie the last few months and I was hoping to see you there this morning, kiddo. I’ve been doing my best to give you space, but I miss you like crazy.”

  Why couldn’t I be working today? Or have the flu?

  Was it too late to fake the flu?

  My dad was a man who didn’t ask for much. He worked hard, earning everything he had and giving even more than that away. There were few people I couldn’t say no to, and he was at the top of the list. Exceptions, though, had to be made.

  This area of my life was off limits.

  I opened my mouth to tell him that I’d rather meet him somewhere after church, but it was then that he hit me with another low blow.

  “I probably shouldn’t tell you this…but your mom’s been on her knees praying for you a lot these last few months. She’s been praying specifically for you to join us at church, so we could be together as a family. I know you two have had your issues in the past, but she really wants to make things right. It would mean a great deal to both of us if you came.”

  Oh come on! For crying out loud!

  Is there no shame left in these people at all?

  “Oh Dad…I don’t know. It’s different for me now. I’m not so sure that church and I are really a fit anymore-”

  “Nonsense. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to come back, but at least come today,” he pushed.

  I blew out an exaggerated sigh. He knew he was winning. I rolled my eyes and smashed my head back into my pillow.

  “Fine, but I make no promises on anything in the future. Are we clear on that, Dad?” I asked.

  “Clear as mud, sweetheart. See ya at eleven, and plan on lunch at our place afterward.”

  Click.

  I looked at my phone, stunned.

  Did that really just happen?

  Bullied by my own father into going to church?

  What had the world come to?

  Stacie purposefully stayed out of my way as I got ready. I could feel her watchful eye as I moved about the house, but she knew better than to try and talk to me. It was one thing to give in under pressure; it was another to admit it. After my shower I stood in front of my closet for what felt like an eternity.

  What do I wear to the one place I dread going most of all?

  I sighed.

  Maybe I was looking at this the wrong way. How hard can it possibly be to tune out a two hours church service?

  I’ll just think of it as a job—one that I hate doing, but have to get done in order to move on with my day. That’s all it is, a chore, nothing more.

  I worked hard to believe that logic pounding in my head as I grabbed a simple navy maxi dress out of my closet. I layered it with a short gray cardigan, and slipped into some matching gray ballet flats. The length of the dress would hide the large bruises on my thighs. I was grateful for that at least. I styled my hair down, an unusual choice for me, but why not?

  It had already proved to be a strange day, and it was still morning.

  **********

  Stacie waited patiently in the car for me. She complimented my outfit as I buckled my seat belt. I nodded in silent recognition. That was the extent of our
conversation on the drive to church.

  There was nothing that could make me see this day differently than the chore that it was. Nothing, until I saw Kai enter the worship center. There were possibly three thousand people in this large dome-shaped room, and I had to see him. Stacie waved at him wildly, like a pregnant lady who had gone completely mad. He smiled in reply and headed our way.

  I wanted to die, but I wanted to take Stacie out first.

  “Hey,” Kai said, smiling.

  “Hey,” I replied.

  “Do you want to sit with us, Kai? My folks should be joining us shortly, but there should be room on the other side of Tori,” Stacie said, as if she was doing him the world’s biggest favor.

  Yep, I would definitely take her out first.

  “Sure thing,” he said.

  Kai headed down the row to sit next to me just as my parents showed up.

  Great. Now I get to explain why Kai is sitting next to me during our family lunch today. This day just keeps getting better.

  My dad’s embrace was tight, but quick. He winked at me as he moved to find his seat. I was sure it was his way of approving my decision to show up. My mom reached across Stacie’s belly to squeeze my hand and tell me how happy she was to see me. She was sincere. I could see it in her eyes, though it was hard for me to admit it, even if only to myself.

  As the band started to play, everyone stood.

  My stomach lurched violently with nerves.

  “Your hair looks really nice that way.”

  I jumped at the sound of Kai’s voice in my ear.

  “Thanks,” I said.

  I heard him laugh as he started to clap along with the music. I stood awkwardly, unsure of what to do. I’d been in church hundreds of times: stand up, sit down, sing, greet, sit, share, listen, and leave. It had always been the same structure, but today was the first time since...the accident.

  The old familiar was no longer familiar.

  Jack and Stacie had changed churches a few years ago, which was quite the drama in our family at the time. I had been so busy with school that it didn’t seem to faze me in the slightest, though.