All For Anna

by Deese, Nicole

  It was hard to fathom all the events that had taken place since my return to Dallas. I hadn’t even been back a month, yet so much had happened within that short of time frame. Life in Phoenix had not been nearly as versatile or socially taxing. Though the majority of my days had been filled with working at the hospital, there was little else that I had allowed into my schedule outside of my daily runs.

  I thought back to last night’s fatigue. I knew full well that it had little to do with the twelve hours on my feet and everything to do with the mental strain of my appointment with Dr. Crane. The interactions I’d had with Stacie, my parents, and even Kai had forced a new level of energy from me lately. I may not have connected in the way Dr. Crane defined it, but it was still draining nonetheless. I wondered when—if ever—I would feel energized by the company of others.

  I ran outside of the housing development onto the overpass. It was lined with new, made-to-look-antique lampposts. I thought again of Kai.

  It had been a long time since a boy had been in my thoughts this much. My one and only romantic relationship had ended right after I graduated from high school. He had hoped we could keep it up long distance—Boston to Dallas—but I knew I needed to focus on getting into the nursing program.

  Boyfriends were ultimately expendable.

  Ian had been a funny mix of cowboy and jock. He knew ranching well, as he had worked as a ranch-hand in his grandfather’s stables every summer, but he was also an elite soccer player. He’d received a full scholarship to Boston University.

  We dated for almost two years.

  During that time, there had been many sit down talks with Jack. Everything from Ian’s intentions to keeping curfew was discussed. Even though my dad had asked Ian those same questions, Jack took it upon himself to go the extra mile when it came to me dating. Ian had often joked about being the only guy he knew who had to get the blessing of two dad figures in order to date one girl.

  I was such a different girl back then. One that was free to joke, laugh, and tease. Ian was always reaching for my hand and introducing me as his girlfriend. My heart would swoon over his words. He had been my first real kiss, awakening in me feelings and desires I didn’t even know existed.

  One night, on a blanket outside on his grandfather’s field, things went way too far. Ian knew my limits. He knew, yet he tested them relentlessly. Something was different that night though; it was more than just a test. He ignored my protests countless times.

  Stricken with panic, I pushed him off me, gasping in shock at his forcefulness. Every bit of trust that had been built in those two years had come crashing down, the demolition taking only seconds.

  His apologies were numerous on the car ride home. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind who he was so afraid of. Jack. When he walked me to my door that night, he said the only four words I’d ever wanted to hear from him.

  “I love you, Tori.”

  But they fell on deaf ears. No longer were they sweet and pure. No longer were they right and true. The only meaning found in those words was the admission of his guilt.

  His shame had tainted them completely.

  Soon after that, I started to pull away from him. Though he had apologized many times, I couldn’t forget. As his plans for Boston became more concrete, I broke it off completely. Ian had emailed me many times during that first year while he was away at school. He begged me to reconsider a long-distance relationship with him.

  I never did.

  Kai is different. He is not Ian.

  I rounded the corner into the high school parking lot several miles from Stacie’s house. I made a wide U-turn and headed back in the opposite direction. I knew Kai was different. He hadn’t taken or expected anything from me. Instead, he was respectful and kind.

  There was no guilt clouding his judgment. He had made his intentions clear each time he had spoken to me, wanting my company for reasons I was yet to understand.

  **********

  The second I opened the front door I knew something was wrong. She was directly beyond the entryway on the couch, but said nothing to me as I entered. Her head was down and her eyes were spilling over with tears.

  My heart sank to the floor.

  “What’s wrong, Stacie? What happened?” I asked, running to her side.

  My strides were long and quick. In an instant I was sitting next to her, willing her to speak. She lifted her head, opened her mouth, and then burst into a new round of sobs. My mind was whirling in panic.

  The baby?

  Mom and dad?

  Oh...Jack? Something happened to Jack!

  “It’s nothing terrible...it’s...it’s my appointment. It was moved from this afternoon. My doctor had an emergency with one of his patients,” she cried, sniffling every few seconds.

  Oh goodness...pregnancy does make you crazy.

  “Okay, help me understand, Stace.”

  I treaded carefully, not wanting to wake up the anger beast that could be lurking in the shadows of all this emotion.

  “It’s Jack. He was going to be able to video chat with me during the ultrasound today so we could find out what we’re having together. But they had to move it to tomorrow morning. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to get on then. It’s just so hard being away from him. He is missing EVERYTHING!”

  Stacie cried now with tears I understood.

  Jack was missing a lot. In all the years they had been married—or even just dating—I’d never known them to be apart from each other. Suddenly, I felt like a jerk. I hadn’t thought enough about Stacie’s feelings, especially in light of her pregnancy. These tears were less about a rescheduled appointment and more about the milestones that Jack wasn’t here for.

  Suddenly, I had an idea.

  “What time is your appointment, Stacie?”

  “Nine.” She sniffled, meeting my gaze.

  “I can go with you tomorrow; I think I have a plan, actually. Are you willing to wait to find out the gender until Jack can get online with you?” I asked.

  “What do you mean...wait for Jack?”

  “Stacie, what if I recorded your ultrasound? When it’s time for you to find out, the tech can just turn the screen and not show you. She can tell me instead, or the camera that is. That way you can still learn the gender together once Jack is free to video chat with you.”

  Stacie lit up like a firework and hugged me tightly.

  “That is a brilliant idea! I would love for you to come, Tori! I have an even better plan though, how about you tell us? Let the tech tell you after you record the ultrasound appointment and then you can be the one that tells us what we’re having!”

  Stacie was ecstatic now. I was relieved.

  “I would be honored to do that for you both, I’ll think of a fun way to do it,” I said.

  “I’ll go call Jack and tell him the news while you go and take a shower.”

  “What...you don’t like my sweaty shirt and shorts?” I joked, looking at my pitiful attire.

  Stacie turned her nose upward and squinted at me.

  “The look is hardly as bad as the smell!”

  She squealed up the stairs knowing a pillow was sure to be thrown her way.

  A shower would be nice and frankly quite necessary. I smiled thinking about what tomorrow’s big day would hold for Jack and Stacie. For the first time since my move, I was thankful for living in Dallas…and nowhere else.

  **********

  “You done in there yet?” Stacie called from outside my bathroom door.

  Here we go...someone’s all better now.

  “I have a few outfit choices laid out for you in my room—with shoes...but you’ll have to try them on to make sure they’re going to fit right.”

  Stacie’s overwhelming selection of options made me question her spending habits. There were short, long, strapless, full-skirted and halter dresses strewn about on top of her mattress. It was a store, not a closet selection that lay on her bed waiting for my approval.

  “Where did a
ll these come from?” I asked, mouth gaping.

  “You know: weddings, dances, work parties, social events, theater...”

  Stacie rattled off the list in a casual manner.

  “Oh...is that all,” I said rolling my eyes.

  She smiled and then immediately launched into details about what would look best on me. She had thought of color, shape, style, and length. She held each one up, finally narrowing it down to only two. I could have slept and been more of a help to her.

  “Okay, so it’s navy short or dark blush long. I’ll have to see them both on you and then we can decide.”

  We? Really?

  I laughed at her as I entered the bathroom, but she paid no attention to me. Her head was swimming with plans and details. She wouldn’t have heard me if I had screamed, “Fire!”

  The navy dress—although beautiful—reminded me of a bad prom night, one that ended with cheap beer and a hotel room. Stacie agreed. It wasn't quite right for me. It was then I tried on the “dark blush long”, as Stacie had called it. I had little hope for that one as my appreciation for pink in any shade was limited at best. But when I felt it fall over my hips and hit the tips of my toes with its silky touch, I was taken aback.

  “Oh...my...lanta! Tori, that is positively breathtaking! That dress was made for you. Look at yourself!” Stacie said, pointing to the tall mirror by her dresser.

  I stared at the image it reflected as if detached from it somehow. The strapless, sweetheart neck-line flowed like a waterfall over my body to the floor. It pulled together in the center of my chest and dropped a pleat of layered fabric from below my breast bone to just above the natural hem-line.

  It was exquisite.

  The color brought out the olive in my skin—as Stacie pointed out—and my hazel eyes were bright in contrast. I slipped on the silver, strappy heels that Stacie gave me seconds earlier. The shoes made the ensemble complete—or rather, made me completely aware of the fact that I was a fake.

  This isn’t me.

  “Stacie, it is beautiful...I’m just not sure,” I said, looking down at the heels on my feet.

  I felt nearly naked in this dress.

  I looked at myself again in the mirror. My shoulders, neck, and arms were exposed. I was exposed.

  “What do you mean? You are gorgeous, Tori! This is your dress. Heavens, you were in a swimsuit in front of him last week, remember?” she exclaimed.

  “I feel more exposed like this than I did at the lake, though,” I said, reflecting back on the day at the lake. I had been in swimwear, but my swim shorts had never come off and the tankini top had straps.

  “That’s nonsense. This dress is not immodest; you are just trying to find a reason to back out. You are wearing this, Tori. It’s beautiful on you. Besides, we have don’t have time for your second guessing…I already booked us both appointments for a mani-pedi. We’re going to be late. Now, go get that dress off and lay it out so it doesn’t wrinkle. I’ll meet you in the car!”

  Stacie left before I could argue. The idea of getting my nails and toes done did sound nice. I hadn’t done anything like that in a very long time. I took one more glance in the mirror and wondered what Kai would think of it?

  I would know the answer to that soon enough.

  **********

  I heard him before I saw him, chatting it up with Stacie downstairs. I stole a few extra minutes at the top of the stairs to try and calm my nerves. Currently, they were out of control. I took several deep breaths, and then walked out onto the landing. The mirror on the wall grabbed at my attention, glimmering in my peripheral vision. I turned just for a second and saw what Stacie had created.

  My face was perfectly made-up with eyes that popped from the shimmery metallic shadow and long dark lashes. My lips were complete with a soft pinkish-pearl lip gloss. Dark hair cascaded down my back in loose curls from some pinned-up knot at the crown of my head. I grabbed the silver clutch Stacie had given me, tucked the gloss and my phone inside, and took my first step down the stairs.

  A smile tugged at the corner of my mouth as I saw him take a step toward the center of the floor near the bottom of the staircase. The room was silent, except for the loud gasp that escaped his lips. I couldn’t bring myself to look into his eyes, not yet. I didn’t like being the center of attention, but I couldn’t help but wonder what he was thinking. I saw his hand reach out for mine on the last step, feeling an electric surge race through me as we touched. I looked up then and saw his face.

  Wonderment.

  “Victoria...you’re...stunning. You look...you look amazing.”

  Kai’s voice was soft and sincere when he spoke. I felt myself flush instantly at his words. I looked away from his eyes, they were too intense.

  “Thank you. You look great too, Kai,” I said, stepping back to admire his tux. He offered me the flowers he had set on the side table.

  “These are for you my lady,” Kai said, holding them out to me.

  My stomach clenched again, butterflies releasing everywhere inside of me. I noticed then that Stacie also held a bouquet of roses.

  He brought Stacie flowers too? Is this guy for real? Can one man actually be this amazing?

  Stacie grinned and nodded at me as if she had read my mind. She took my flowers from me and hugged us both goodbye, letting me know she wouldn’t wait up. Kai led me out of the house, his hand never leaving my back as we walked through the driveway.

  He helped me up into his truck, letting our hands linger a few extra seconds as he smiled up at me. I took a deep breath once he shut my door, trying to release the anxiety I felt by being so close to him. If there was ever a doubt that Kai was the most attractive man I had ever known, tonight obliterated it. He was gorgeous.

  The drive over was nice. He filled me in on what the evening would consist of. I noticed how trained his eyes were on the road when he spoke. Though he would respond to my questions, he never glanced in my direction…not even once.

  The line for the valet was about ten cars long as we approached the convention center. It was then that he finally turned his head and looked at me. My heart hammered within my chest instantly.

  “I’m not sure I want to take you in there,” he said. His eyes shimmered with mischief as he nodded his head toward the building.

  My breath caught at his statement.

  What does he mean?

  “I don’t want to share you tonight, Tori. You’re gonna be quite the distraction among all those guys in there. I had to make myself focus on the road just so I could drive us here,” he said, laughing to himself.

  Though I was sure he meant it as a compliment, a rush of insecurity blocked my mind from its comprehension. Slowly I reached across my body and gripped my opposite shoulder. I wanted to cover up as much of my exposed skin as possible. I hated myself for forgetting to grab a wrap from Stacie’s closet.

  Kai gave me a puzzled look as we inched our way closer to the front of the valet line. I looked out the window at the couples walking through the large revolving glass doors. I tried to keep my face neutral—pleasant even.

  A young valet attendant opened my door. In a second Kai was there, helping me down and pulling me close. I diverted my gaze.

  This is a mistake. Why did I ever agree to this?

  “Tori? Did I say something wrong?” His arm encircled my waist, creating fire where he touched as he whispered the words.

  The feel of his breath on my neck sent tingles down my spine as we walked toward the building.

  “What? No, not at all,” I lied, shaking my head and trying to smile.

  Apparently, it was less than convincing.

  Kai dropped his arm from my waist and slid his hand down past my elbow, pulling gently on my wrist. Carefully, he led me to the wall near the center’s entrance.

  “I didn’t mean to make you to feel self-conscious when I said you’d be a distraction tonight. I realize that a girl like you doesn’t aim to be the center of attention, but that’s exactly what will make
you one. You’re stunning, Tori. There is absolutely nothing you should feel self-conscious about.”

  He spoke with such sweet conviction; I almost believed him—almost. I lifted my eyes to his and flashed him a timid smile. He smiled back while reaching for my hand. Together, we walked into the building. I took one last deep breath and silently prepared for a night full of people.

  **********

  The room was beyond anything I had ever seen or could possibly describe. The details were astonishing. The banquet hall had been transformed into a midnight garden wonderland with trees, flowers, lights and candles. The ceiling and walls were covered in fabrics that were perfectly matched to the theme. Vines and trellises bordered every corner. An outrageous number of small white twinkle lights swooped and draped everywhere I looked. It was positively breathtaking.

  The tables were emerald and silver, each with a large twinkling topiary tree in its center. Place cards were written in calligraphy and small white truffle boxes sat on each plate. I looked at Kai who was equally as impressed. We laughed together in amazement.

  He linked his arm through mine. Leaning down he whispered, “Shall I escort you to our table, Miss Sales?”

  SEVENTEEN

  The four-course dinner was served in between the evening’s scheduled events. As a comedy duo introduced each speech or act, we enjoyed some of the finest food that Dallas had to offer. The silent auction had taken place in a separate room and the results would be read aloud toward the end of the evening, prior to the dance. I had met at least a dozen EMTs who worked with Kai, each having been familiar with who I was—knowing my name before it was spoken.

  Briggs had been my favorite introduction of the night. He was quite the character, and he was also Kai’s best friend. He teased Kai relentlessly as he told me just how much Kai talked about me during their long evenings at the station. I knew I had blushed, but I had also laughed at his funny antics.