I watched as Kai and Briggs pretended to have a boxing match just a few feet from me. They were nothing but grown-up boys in suits. In the end they man-hugged (one swift hard pat on the back), and I could easily see just how strong their brotherly-bond was.
“Has Kai told you about the camping trip next month?” Briggs asked, smoothing out his ruffled dirty-blond hair.
“Uh…no,” I answered, unsure who I was to be addressing.
Kai shoved Briggs away playfully, and took a step closer to me.
“Well, I wasn’t sure if you’d be interested, but I was planning to mention it later this evening, that is if Briggs will let me get a word in.”
Kai scowled at him. I laughed again at the show they put on.
“What is it exactly?” I asked.
“It’s an annual trip that a bunch of the guys from the station put on...out in hill country. We try to do it in early November when the weather is cool and the hiking is good-” Kai started.
“And sometimes ladies join us. Wives, girlfriends, random strangers...you know what I mean,” Briggs interrupted.
“That’s it. You’re done talking to her,” Kai joked. He lunged toward him as Briggs ducked just out of his reach.
I watched them, laughing, as they dodged small pockets of people around the floor. Several older women glared at them as if they were behaving like disobedient children.
I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned, ready to say, “No thank you” again to the waiter carrying champagne.
But it was not the waiter.
“Victoria?” the petite woman asked.
No.
Oh God, no.
This can’t be happening.
“It is...it’s you!” the woman exclaimed. She attacked me, embracing me in a hug so tight I could hardly breathe. Her presence alone was enough to suck the air from my lungs.
“Johanna?” I whispered. I was shocked I could even speak her name. Everything in me wanted to shut down entirely—cease to be.
“Victoria, you look beautiful! I can’t tell you how good it is for me to see you here, honey. I’ve prayed for you so much during this last year. I didn’t know you were back in town.”
Oh God.
What do I even say?
“You look...you look good too, Johanna. Why...are you here?” I stuttered. My head felt as it was floating away from my body. Black spots were interrupting my vision. I blinked several times trying to focus.
“My nephew’s being honored tonight. He invited me. I’m sorry I startled you. I thought I saw you earlier, but I wasn’t sure. I never got a chance to talk to you after the memorial service...and then I heard you’d moved from Dallas.”
My heart rate quickened, my eyes darting for ways of escape.
I can’t do this.
I can’t talk to her.
This isn’t supposed to happen.
I saw Kai walking toward me then and felt instantly conflicted. Would he add to my distress or relieve me of it? He had no idea the magnitude this conversation held for me. With easy, carefree steps, he walked straight into my worst nightmare.
I was a blinking orb of guilt; he was the victim drawn-in by my toxic light.
“Yes, I moved to Phoenix for a while...for work,” I said slowly, seeing Kai’s sweet, innocent smile as he walked up to us. He extended his hand to Johanna like a gentleman.
“Hi, I’m Tori's date, Kai Alesana. How do you two lovely ladies know each other?” he asked.
Johanna laughed lightly at the compliment. I didn’t move a muscle.
“I’m Johanna Watson...an old friend of Tori's.”
“Oh, well that’s great, it’s nice to meet you,” Kai said.
Kai smiled, but it wasn’t his usual happy-go-lucky smile. This one looked odd and out of place. He looked how I felt, like he wasn’t sure what was supposed to happen next.
I couldn’t wait a second longer. I had to exit.
I excused myself, leaving them behind in a cloud of awkwardness. Without looking back, I increased my stride as I rushed through the banquet hall toward the ladies room.
You’re okay; You’re fine.
Just get to the restroom...you can sort it all out in there.
“Victoria! Wait, please!”
How did she catch up to me so fast?
I stopped just outside of the restroom door. Johanna was next to me then, tears rolling down her cheeks. My heart ached unbearably.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t think that seeing me would upset you like this, please forgive me for being so insensitive,” she said reaching her arm out and touching my hand.
“Forgive you? Johanna, yes...seeing you is a bit of a shock, but there is nothing you ever need to ask my forgiveness for.”
I was surprised at how easily the words flowed, but they were truth. For all the words I couldn’t say, somehow I had found the courage to speak those. She reached for my hand, holding it firmly.
“You still haven’t accepted it?”
I stared at the floor knowing full well what she was asking. It was then that my courage disappeared.
“I meant what I said at the hospital Victoria, and I mean it here tonight, so please hear me. You are not responsible for what happened to Anna. I forgave you for even the slightest bit of blame that you could place on yourself for our accident. You did more for her than anyone could have. I hope that you can see that,” she said, tears streaming down her face.
“No, I can’t see that,” I whispered back. I was shocked at the emotion swelling in my throat.
“I have prayed for you, Victoria, that you would receive grace in place of guilt.”
I looked at her, but I could not understand her. Why would this woman—this mother who had lost her child—be praying for the person who caused her death? Her words were as surprising now as they had been three days after the accident. Words I had tried so hard to forget.
She had come into my room just minutes before Jack and Stacie were to arrive to take me home. I was frozen with fear, afraid of what she would say to me. I had killed her child.
She leaned onto her crutches and slowly made her way over to where I sat on the bed, pulling on my shoes.
“Victoria, I’m Johanna Watson. I heard what you did to try and save my daughter’s life. I hope you know how grateful we are to you for that,” she said. Though her eyes were red-rimmed and puffy, she tried to smile. “I also know that this next season will be hard—for both of us.”
Her tears started then, flowing in one continuous stream down her cheeks. Her next words were piercing as she held my gaze. “I do not blame you. I wanted you to know that.”
Pain radiated in my chest, causing my guilt to exploded from my lips.
“I shouldn’t have been driving…I should have turned around. I’m so…sorry. I’m so sorry…I tried…”
I couldn’t go on.
A second later she was next to me, sitting on the edge of my bed. We wept together. Her sobs were filled with unspeakable grief; mine were filled with undisputable regret.
“I forgive you. For whatever you think you should have done and didn’t, I forgive you. Guilt will get us nowhere.”
I wanted to hear her.
I wanted to believe her.
But then I went to Anna’s memorial…and my want just wasn’t enough.
“I...I don’t know what to say to that, Johanna.”
“You don’t need to say anything. You just need to accept it. I pray you will,” she said, wiping her eyes and smiling again. “I hope you can still enjoy your evening tonight, it looks like you’ve found a very nice man.”
Kai.
Where was he now?
Johanna gave me a quick hug, and then she was gone, leaving me alone to unscramble my thoughts. I escaped into the bathroom and locked myself inside an oversized stall. Leaning against the cold tile wall, I closed my eyes. I focused on my breathing the way Dr. Crane had showed me, trying to visualize my exhalation like blowing away the anxiety within. I hoped
it was enough to stop the flashbacks. I was desperate.
Suddenly, I felt a calm come over me.
Stop running.
And there it was, the voice that seemed to stalk me, the insanity that would not leave me alone.
I stood frozen for several seconds, waiting for more to come. I waited for the horrible movie to start in my head, for the pictures of Anna in my arms, for the memories that would never heal. But nothing more came.
I opened the stall door and went to the sink. Seeing the reflection of my dress in the mirror, I remembered where I was—what I was here for.
I remembered Kai.
I won’t ruin this night for him...if I haven’t already.
I left the restroom, trying to readjust my eyes once more to the dim lighting in the banquet hall. There was someone speaking up front, some award for bravery being given out, but I didn’t want to listen to that. I didn’t want to wonder if that young man was Johanna’s nephew.
I searched only for Kai.
I felt a hand on my arm.
“Tori?” Briggs asked, his face full of concern.
“Oh, hey, Briggs. I’m trying to find Kai. Do you know where he is?”
“Ha, well join the club. He’s looking for you, too. I think he just walked outside thinking you may have gone out for some fresh air?” He looked at me skeptically.
I nodded and turned to walk away, but my arm was caught and pulled back. I stared at Briggs. There was no trace of his earlier light-heartedness on his face. He was all business now.
“Tori, I meant what I said earlier. I’ve known Kai for a very long time and he has never talked about a woman like he has talked about you. He cares a lot for you and you should know he doesn’t play games. He’s the real deal,” Briggs said, dropping my arm.
I suddenly knew how it felt to be on the receiving end of one of Jack’s big brother talks. It did not feel good. I could appreciate his concern for Kai. I had similar concerns for him, and yes, I was at the root of them all.
“I understand. Thank you,” I said, looking at the floor.
I wasn’t a game player, but little did Briggs know, that there were worse things out there than toying with a man’s heart. The darkness I carried around was much graver.
“Good, then you and I will be great friends, then.”
He patted my arm and walked away.
I opened the hall doors into the lobby, not sure which outside exit I should try first. My decision though, was easy. I saw him, or what I hoped was his shadow, behind the large glass door which led out to a deck.
As I approached, I could see him pacing. I hesitated at the door, unsure of what I would say to him. But then he was there, opening the door, as if sensing my presence.
“Tori, are you okay? You looked really upset earlier, and then I couldn’t find you anywhere. I was starting to worry,” he said, reaching for my hand and pulling me toward him onto the deck. I could no longer hear the noise from the banquet hall.
He was worried about me?
“Yes, I’m fine. I’m sorry that I caused you to miss some of your party. No more interruptions from me tonight…I promise,” I said, forcing my best smile.
“I don’t care about the party. I care...about you. If something’s wrong, I hope you know you can trust me.”
That was the second time Kai had told me I could trust him.
Could I?
But something told me I already did. I trusted him. I remembered what Briggs told me and my stomach clenched.
“I wish trusting you and telling you the truth were the same thing. If only it could be that simple.” I walked over to a wooden bench that overlooked the rose garden and sat down. The sun had almost set and the petals were radiant with color.
I took a deep breath.
You can’t actually be thinking of telling him…
But as quickly as the thought came, I suppressed it, squelching its power over me for the first time since I’d taken Dr. Crane’s hand. I would keep my promise to myself and to Briggs. I would not hurt Kai. I was not a game-player. He had a right to know who he thought he cared about.
“That woman...that woman is…”
Fear was a tourniquet around my chest, squeezing every last trace of air from my lungs. I fought it, while trying to piece together my thoughts. I had to speak, but I also needed to prepare for the inevitable: rejection.
“You can trust me,” Kai said, sitting down next to me and putting his hand on my knee, stabilizing the pain that hung on my next words.
“That woman...is the mother of a little girl who died in a car accident just over a year and a half ago.” I took a deep breath. “An accident...I caused. I’m not who you think I am, Kai. A child died because of me, an innocent, beautiful child and nothing will ever change that fact.”
My eyes were closed by the end of my statement, but even still, the absence of warmth beside me was unmistakable. He stood and walked toward the railing. A cold wave of shame washed over me. I was convinced in the seconds that followed that outright rejection was a far better fate than the deafening silence that enclosed us now.
I couldn’t expect Kai to handle it. I couldn’t handle it and it was my life, my cross to bear. His quiet presence was numbing. Whatever fairytale I had dreamed up for this night had long since expired.
Why I sat there waiting—or what I waited for—I wasn’t sure. But I didn’t move. The voices that were usually so quick to rush in with their guidance—the voices I had silenced—refused to offer me any help now. I was alone, sitting silently in my shame.
Kai finally turned toward me, his face anguished and hard.
For a brief second I feared him; the fire in his eyes was so intense. But as soon as his eyes found mine, they softened. He didn’t speak. Instead, he strode toward me, each step purposeful and determined. In one quick motion, he pulled me to him.
Placing his hands on my face, he brought his lips to mine, kissing me so passionately that I thought I might fall over from the sheer force of it. My body responded in kind, without thought, without struggle. Heat that had started at my lips was coursing through my body, growing hotter by the second.
He broke away for a just an instant to search my eyes, making certain that I understood him. When he found the answer he sought, he kissed me again. This time his kiss was sweeter, softer, taking my breath with it.
When it ended, he touched his forehead to mine. His hands had moved to my bare shoulders. I stood, speechless.
“Thank you, Pele. Thank you for telling me,” Kai whispered, full of emotion.
“Pele?” I asked, pulling away slightly to search his eyes.
“It means something similar to sweetheart in Samoan,” Kai said.
Every cell in my body felt raw and exposed; the kiss lingered on my lips, imprinting itself on my heart. My mind was reeling, struggling to comprehend what had just happened between us. I was so confused.
“Kai, do you understand what I-”
“Yes, and there is nothing more to say about that tonight. It’s not how I see you and it doesn’t change how I feel about you. Do you need more proof of that?” he asked, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.
He cradled my face again and stared into my eyes before finding my lips once more. I stood there stunned, captivated by this man. I did not understand him, but I knew in that moment I did not want to lose him. Something was happening inside me.
That kiss was more than just a romantic gesture…it was connection.
“Are you up for a dance? I’m sure it’s started by now,” he asked.
“Yes, I think I am,” I said, smiling at him.
**********
The banquet room had doubled in size. A large wall had been pushed back, opening up the largest dance floor I had ever seen. The band that played was incredible. It was hard to take it all in.
Kai led me to the floor. Holding me tight we swayed together to the music. The comfort I found in his embrace was unmatched to anything I had ever experience
d before. He was an anomaly.
The emcee announced the karaoke contest and suddenly people were applauding like crazy. The singers were asked to audition at a side panel for about sixty seconds before competing on stage. The live band would accompany them in their song choice.
I saw several people around us walking toward the front to claim a space in the try-out line. The emcee went into more detail about how the winner would get to sing at a New Year’s Eve event at some fancy venue downtown. The proceeds would benefit local fire stations.
In an instant, two men from Kai’s station were on either side of him, pulling him away from me. They pushed him toward the try-out line, apologizing to me for his abrupt exit. I watched them, thinking again of how easy and natural their relationships seemed.
Kai passed his voice test and had entered the line to perform on stage. He was only third from the front, but already I missed his company. Briggs joined me then, standing at my side. He clapped along with the music that accompanied the first contestant. It was honky-tonk country.
Briggs tipped his imaginary hat to me and winked. I was grateful to be in his good graces for the moment. I wondered if the reason he stood beside me now was for Kai.
Was there some sort of protection clause in their friendship?
Briggs pointed out a few crazy dancers who had obviously had way too much to drink, but were trying to line dance nonetheless. I laughed till it hurt as Briggs imitated their unique moves. The next song was a ballad from a Broadway show I had never seen, and she was amazing. Her notes held and peaked at just the right moments giving me goose bumps. For a second, I felt bad that Kai would have to follow such an act.
Briggs must have sensed my unease for Kai. He laughed and said, “Just wait, Tori, he’ll be fine.”
Kai took the stage. He was confident as he picked up the microphone and stared into the crowd.
“This is for you, Pele.”
My breath caught in my throat. I recognized the tune as soon as it started. It was a pop hit by one of my favorite artists. I knew the song well.
Kai started it flawlessly, moving to the beat and singing in a way I couldn’t have imagined. Even though I had heard him sing next to me at church, nothing I had heard compared to this. This was a performance. He was more than gifted, he was absolutely incredible. People all over the room watched him and participated. I was mesmerized. When he got to the last chorus the room went wild.
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