Jack drank the last of his milk like a child on a Cheerios commercial, and then smiled at me. Likely he already knew my thoughts regarding his breakfast-at-midnight-display.
“So, let’s hear it,” he said.
“Hear what?” I asked.
His eyebrows narrowed at me and he shook his head, waiting.
“Jack it’s midnight. I’m not up for a Jeopardy round of whatever discussion you might want to have with me at this particular hour,” I said.
“Okay party-pooper,” he said, measuring me for a moment before speaking, “I want to hear about what happened with Kai. I mean, what really happened,” he said.
“I’m sure Stacie told you all there is to know-” I started.
“Yes, and that’s Stacie’s version. You have your own perspective...and that’s the one what I want to hear,” he said seriously.
I shifted on the chair uncomfortably.
“Well, it’s a pretty short story, Jack. He told me I could trust him and I believed him. I told him everything about me: my shame, my pain, my brokenness, and he kept his secrets to himself all the while,” I said.
Jack nodded. There was no judgment on his face. He was purely seeking the facts, that was his way. He was not a reactor; he was a gatherer only.
“Listen, I know you and Kai are good friends and I don’t want that to change for you—either one of you. I don’t hate him...I don’t even dislike him, we just aren’t...”
“I’m waiting,” Jack said, looking at me inquisitively.
“I don’t know. I just don’t know, anymore,” I said.
“Anymore?” he asked.
I thought for a second and then reached down for a pillow, slowly bringing it to my lap before making my move. It was glorious; he was as unsuspecting as possible when I chucked it right into his face. He startled back, but only for an instant. Then, he was gathering up pillows in a fury.
“Oh, game on!” Jack said.
I jumped behind the recliner, heart pumping fast. This may not have been my greatest diversion plan. I pulled pillows left and right from around the front room, throwing them over my barricade.
Jack was much quicker, though. He managed to throw five pillows for every one that I threw at him. Jack threw pillows like they were Chinese throwing stars; how soft fabric and cotton stuffing could hurt was beyond me. My hair was matted all over my face as he was now standing on top of the recliner pelting me with a new stash he’d hoarded. I lay helpless on the floor trying to shield my head, laughing so hard I was gasping for air.
Jack had a great laugh when it really got going. It was mix between a teenage girl screaming, and a wheezy asthma attack. It was absolutely contagious, too. We were both in hysterics—a million throw pillows all over the front room, when the stair light flicked on and we were caught, red handed. We both froze, a silent kind of horror coming over us: the fear of the woken pregnant lady.
Stacie looked around the front room and then back to us. We waited for our punishment, but instead she simply said, “Merry Christmas Eve, children.” And then she headed back to bed.
We each grabbed a nearby pillow and laughed into it for a good five minutes before deciding we should probably clean up and head that way ourselves.
Jack slung his arm around me as we trudged up the stairs together.
“See ya in the morning, Sis,” he said, “It’s nice to have you back.”
I stared at him, puzzled, “You’re the one who just got back,” I laughed, thinking his jet lag had fogged up his mind, again.
“No, you’ve been gone a lot longer than I was...and it’s really nice to have you back, Tori.”
Jack hit me on the shoulder and walked into his bedroom.
I stood there for a second more.
“It’s good to be back,” I whispered.
TWENTY-NINE
I stared at the list.
It was the list I had scratched onto the first page of my new journal. With my phone in hand I paced my bedroom floor. Several deep breaths later, I dialed the name at the top.
After just three rings, I heard her voice.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Dr. Bradley...it’s Tori,” I said.
Silence.
“Hello?” I said again.
“Tori...I’m...it’s a surprise to hear from you,” she said.
“I know and that’s actually why I’m calling, do you have a minute?” I asked.
“Yes, of course,” she said.
“I’ve been angry at you for a long time, feeling betrayed and hurt that you’d set up therapy for me without my permission,” I confessed.
“Yes, I thought that might be how you felt, and I’m sorry-”
“No, please, let me finish. I’m the one who needs to say I’m sorry...to you. I don’t think I would have ever sought help if it hadn’t been for you caring about me—about my future. I owe you an apology and would like to ask for your forgiveness?” I said.
Silence again. This time I waited.
“You sound...you sound so different, Tori. Even just on the phone I can tell you’re not so...closed off,” Dr. Bradley said.
“Yes, a lot has happened here. Dr. Crane has been a great support for me, and so has my sister and...others. I really do feel different,” I said.
“Tori I’m so glad you called today. I accept your apology and of course I forgive you. I hope you can start to move forward with your life and the amazing opportunities that are in your future, and in your career,” Dr. Bradley said.
“Thank you, that means so much to me,” I said, thinking of a topic right along those lines. "Have you ever heard of Consider Africa before?”
We talked for a while longer. She gave me a few contacts of friends who had done similar nursing abroad programs in the past. She encouraged me that all of them had only positive things to say about their experiences. Excitement stirred in me. Susan was not only a medical professional that I respected, she was also a friend—a true friend.
I was grateful I had started with her; the others would prove much more difficult.
**********
Jack had been up on a ladder hanging lights on the house since early this morning, Christmas Eve. I told him he was probably better off just holding out for New Years decor at this point, but he waved me off and kept right on hanging. Stacie had been busy decorating the artificial tree that Jack had brought in from the attic while I was out on my run.
I came in through the entryway.
“Hey want to help?” she asked.
I looked at the boxes of ornaments all around her and laughed.
“What would you have done if I had said no?” I asked.
“Sat down in the middle of all this and taken a nap.” She rubbed her hand on her greatly expanded belly.
“Okay, let me change and I’ll be back down to help in just a minute,” I said, laughing at her.
**********
When the tree had come to life with color, shapes, and lights, Stacie and I stood back to examine our handy-work. We were quite satisfied.
“Glad it will be up for tomorrow,” Stacie said.
“Yeah.”
How different this holiday would be from last year. My parents had wanted to fly me back to Dallas of course, but I had refused. I told them I had to work the Christmas weekend because I was the lowest on the totem pole. Stacie had been beside herself, calling me to announce that her and Jack would be joining me Christmas morning. Naturally though, I had wiggled my way out of that net as well. I claimed I’d be at the hospital for over 14 hours, so it wouldn’t be worth their efforts. She had finally conceded.
Though I had worked all day last Christmas, I had volunteered for it, trying to tell myself it was just another day of the week. I had also tried to pretend that not having family—especially at the holidays, didn’t bother me.
“I was thinking we should leave by six tonight to secure good seats, the Christmas Eve service is always so jam-packed,” Stacie said.
My stoma
ch dropped, “Oh...I’m not sure about that, Stace,” I said.
“Well, I am. Last year people were standing in the lobby! Parking was a total nightmare-”
“No, I mean...I wasn’t planning on going,” I said.
Putting her hands on her hips, she stared at me in disbelief.
“I thought you were past all that nonsense of not fitting in at church, Tori. You’ve been making so many efforts to-”
“No...That’s not it at all, Stacie. Yes, things are going better now in that department, but there’s a reason why I’ve only gone to the early services lately,” I admitted.
“Oh. Kai.” She sighed. Though her voice was soft and thoughtful, hearing his name from her lips caused my heart to ache. I hated that he still had that effect on me. I hadn’t even seen him in nearly two months.
“Yeah,” I said, swallowing hard.
“Tori, I don’t want to tell you what to do, but I think you need to decide to either move forward and go on with your life—despite a possible chance meeting in a crowd of thousands—or decide it’s not over yet,” Stacie said.
I looked at her, an edge of rebuke on my lips. “It is over. It’s been decided, Stacie.”
Her face remained unchanged.
“If that’s true, then you won’t let him hold you back from a Christmas Eve service with your family.”
I bit my bottom lip. She had a point. Still, I couldn’t shake the sinking in my gut. The odds felt stacked against me; our relationship had been one unlucky coincidence after another.
I hoped tonight would prove that theory wrong.
**********
The borrowed short, black skirt and tights coupled with the red, cowl-neck sweater, came from no other than Stacie’s closet. It had become habit now to ignore my own closet which housed dull, bleak neutrals and go directly to the free boutique. The one that was located just down the hall.
Stacie and Jack had both dressed up for the evening. They looked like they could be featured on a Hallmark holiday card. My folks had called us on our way, already having saved us seats. Stacie was relieved, as we, of course, were running behind schedule.
The parking lot of the church was just as Stacie had described—a nightmare. The line of cars was at least two blocks long. From there, we were directed by one of the numerous parking attendants who wore a hat of festive blinking lights. Stacie moaned that she had to use the restroom, even though she had gone just fifteen minutes earlier at home. Jack gave me a wayward glance in the rear view mirror. We kept our mouths shut.
The candlelit stage was a sight to behold. Children dressed in their Christmas attire had lined the stage. They stood quietly, waiting for instruction as people filled the dim auditorium. The large, open-concept room felt strangely intimate in light of the special events to come. After only a few minutes of searching, we found my parents.
As the starting time approached, a soft hush fell over the audience. A small boy took the stage. He opened the evening with the passage in Mathew which spoke of the birth of Christ, his sweet voice resonating within the room. When he was done speaking, the choir behind him started to sing. There were many songs celebrating the birth of baby Jesus, along with several well-choreographed numbers. Jack and Stacie exchanged warm glances, as if thinking of their own Christmas performers someday.
The pastor shared a few words on the true meaning of Christmas and instead of tuning him out like I had tried to do months earlier, I listened. He spoke of ending the year without regrets, without offenses, and most importantly, without bitterness.
“Bitterness,” he had said, “Will only serve to rob the joy that is the Christmas spirit.”
My heart sank. It was yet another confirmation.
My list was not delusional—it was right.
The service ended with each person holding a candle and lighting it for another. Down each aisle, down each row, until every section of that entire room was lit by the start of single flame, it was beautiful. My eyes stung with tears at the sight. We sang one last song, and then we were dismissed.
The crowd was massive, yet even amongst all the commotion, I had the unmistakable feeling I was being watched. I fought the sensation to turn my head for what felt like an eternity. But finally, the temptation was too great. My eyes confirmed what my heart already knew.
Kai was there, standing just a few feet away from me.
My breath hitched.
Instantly, I was trapped in a world where only Kai and I existed. The distorted sound of music and chattering people faded away. It was only us. Nothing could tear my eyes away from him.
The magnetic pull that gripped my heart was too strong for me to break on my own. Within seconds, I was walking toward him and him to me. A deep ache resonated in my chest as I studied his face.
His eyes were a tortured kind of beautiful. I knew the look well; I had seen it in the mirror for the last two months.
As we stood now, just a few feet apart from one another, I had to remind myself that I couldn’t reach for him. He was no longer mine to touch. I balled my fists, pressing my nails deep into the palm of my hands.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hi.” My words were barely audible.
“It’s…it’s good to see you, Tori.”
I stared at him, refusing to cry, while the warm ache of tears throbbed behind my eyelids. They fought a battle against me. It took all my energy and focus to deny their release.
“You too.”
The note from the tree burned a hole in my purse, as if it could identify its author. I wouldn’t reveal it, though. I wouldn’t give him a false reason to hope, or allow him to believe that something more was possible.
“Briggs said he saw you the other night,” Kai said.
“Yes, he did.”
The ache had spread throughout my chest, causing tiny tremors to escape each time I exhaled.
“He said you have a lot of stuff going on these days, some…some new interests?” Kai said, hesitantly.
Was he asking about baking?
I can’t believe Briggs really told him about that…how lame.
“Uh, yeah, I suppose I do,” I said.
He stared at me a long minute more and then ran his hand along the back his head. The movement made his hair rumple and stray, causing me to flush. I loved that rumpled hair.
“I’m glad you’re doing well...that’s all I ever wanted for you,” he said.
This is unbearable!
“Merry Christmas, Kai,” I said.
“Merry Christmas, Tori.”
As I turned to break away, a thought flashed in my mind.
The list...my list.
But even as I thought it, I knew I couldn’t do it.
Not here. Not like this.
I wasn’t strong enough tonight.
I had taken no more than five steps when I heard his voice behind me. I stopped. A shiver crept down my spine. Unwilling to be caught in yet another agonizing trance, I didn’t turn around. I couldn’t face him again so soon.
“Will I see you on New Year’s Eve? At the benefit?”
His voice was nothing short of desperate now, and something physically broke inside me at the sound of it. One stay tear slid down my cheek.
That was it, the opportunity I needed.
It was the last day of the year, a last chance to reconcile the loss of what we had.
I nodded and simply said, “I’ll be there.”
**********
I watched my Mother clear the dishes after Christmas supper. The morning had been filled with stockings and gifts, followed by a visit to my parent’s house where the meal was exquisite enough to feed a royal family. Of course, the main course had all been pre-ordered and catered, but it was delicious just the same. I’d brought several plates of baked goods to add to the mix—my therapy working overtime.
Though I fought to wear a face of good tidings and joy, inside I felt anything but. I had struggled through most of the day, pushing aside the picture that ke
pt trying to make its way to the front of my mind: Kai’s eyes. Despite the many distractions around me, it proved an impossible task.
I picked up a rag and quietly helped to dry the serving dishes that lay on the counter. I could hear Jack telling a story about his parasailing experience as my dad and Stacie enjoyed their decaf coffee near the fireplace in the den. My mother’s hands, delicate and prim, washed the dishes, her manicured fingers, sudsy.
I swallowed hard, thinking for a moment about the list that lay on my dresser at home. Her name was second from the top. I hadn’t actually imagined ever crossing it off, but there was no time like the present—holiday or not.
My heart hammered against my chest.
“It’s been wonderful to have you back home, Victoria,” my mother said.
“Thanks, it’s been...a nice Christmas,” I said.
Laying down her final pot, I took in a deep breath. Conjuring up every last bit of bravery I had, I opened my mouth.
Just start...then I’ll have to finish.
“Do you think we could take a walk, Mom?”
My mother looked at me, her perfectly-aged face shadowing with apprehension.
“Just you and I…right now?”
“Yes, if that’s okay,” I said.
“Sure...I’ll go get our coats.”
**********
The air was crisp, our scarves, gloves and thick wool coats protecting us from the bite in the wind. Stepping out, my mother immediately filled the silence with her next home improvement plan. This one consisted of a play-cottage and swing set for her future grandchildren. After describing in detail the area to which she thought best for such a feature, I interjected, cautiously.
“Mom, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately...about the past,” I stammered.
She turned her head toward me, but kept her eyes low, contributing nothing to my unexpected announcement. I went on.
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