He was lost in the haunting tune that echoed throughout the building.
Then, he started to sing:
“I knew your face before your heart,
I saw your pain right from the start
A stunning sight I won’t forget,
Tears that flowed out of regret,
So take your time and take your space
I’ll be here while you navigate
My love for you alone will wait
My love for you alone will wait
You captured me before I knew
A rare reward, a heart so true
How could it be with just one look,
My world was changed, my love unhooked
So take your time and take your space
I’ll be here while you navigate
My love for you alone will wait
My love for you alone will wait
I only want to see you freed
Outside the walls you cannot see
So break away from debts not yours
Receive the grace that's been out-poured
So take your time and take your space
I’ll be here while you navigate
My love for you alone will wait
My love for you alone will wait”
Kai lifted his head to a room silenced by the hallowed sound of emotion. The song had been so raw, so vulnerable, yet so unbearably beautiful. I was under its spell, too. Fresh tears blurred my vision before I could blink and re-focus.
A single clap started, and one by one the room exploded into a roar of encores, but Kai simply bowed and thanked the Emcee before exiting the stage. I made myself move, made myself run after him before he was lost to me forever.
“Kai!”
He stopped.
“Kai,” I said, as I approached him from behind.
He turned slowly, face still somber. He looked at me with disbelief.
“You came?” he asked, the surprise in his voice cutting me deep.
“Yes, I said I would. I meant it,” I said.
As he stared at me, a pained smile spread across his face. The ache was back again, tossing in me like the choppy waves of an ocean after a storm.
“Can we talk somewhere, please?” I asked.
He nodded, leading the way in silence.
We walked in perfect stride to a courtyard just outside the main complex, the breeze crisp. Goose bumps spread down my arms in an instant. Though we never touched, Kai’s hand was dangerously close to mine, the heat of it calling to me for warmth.
As we stopped at the circular fountain, Kai slipped off his suit coat and offered it to me. He was careful to keep his distance. I thought to refuse it at first, but knew without it my lips would be too frozen to speak.
And I needed to speak.
The jacket provided much more than warmth. It also seemed to provide strength and courage as well. I wrapped it tightly around my middle, crossing my arms to keep it close to me.
“Thank you,” I said.
Kai nodded, again, staring at me.
“Your song...was beautiful,” I said.
He turned toward the fountain, “I wrote it for you.”
I followed his gaze, too caught up to respond. I knew the song had been for me. The words were far too intimate not to have been his own, but the admission was still overwhelming.
I took a slow breath in, the cold evening air chilling me deep. I pulled the jacket closer. It smelled of Kai, and that was all I wanted in this moment: more of him.
The sound from the fountain was strangely calming as the five water peaks changed levels and volumes, hitting the rock wall below. It was a nice distraction to watch as we stood there together, both knowing there was much left to be said. Finally, he turned and looked at me.
His face was full of torment.
“Tori, I have imagined this moment so many times, but now that you’re here in front of me...” Kai shook his head, as if unsure what to say next.
I met his eyes, willing him to go on.
“I know after we speak tonight, my wondering will be over and I’ll be left to deal with facts, not just assumptions and feelings,” he continued.
My stomach flipped as a new wave of sorrow washed over me, this time pulling me under, taking my breath with it.
Does he know?
Does he know this is goodbye?
He held my gaze. I knew my face most likely mirrored his in this moment. It was marked by the undeniable heartache that had settled between us.
“I know you must be here for a reason, but I need you to know how truly sorry I am that I deceived you, how deeply I regret keeping the truth from you for that long...for being a coward. There is no regret I suffer from more in all my life,” Kai said, still looking at my face.
In that moment I was sure, certain of my next move. I had thought the words, I had even written them down time and time again in my journal, but speaking them had been the question that had hovered in my mind for weeks.
Could I say them and mean them?
The answer now was a resounding yes.
A surge of courage brought life back to my frozen body.
“Kai...I forgive you. I’m sorry I couldn’t say it sooner, but I mean it now. I forgive you.”
Kai’s entire countenance lifted at my words. His eyes seemed to sparkle again as a heavy sigh escaped from his lips.
“Thank you, Tori,” he said, choked with emotion, “I’ve been so afraid you hated me.”
I closed my eyes, the sting of his words burrowing deep, words that couldn’t have been farther from the truth.
“I could never hate you. Even at the peak of my anger I still believed you were a good man.”
The gap between us closed before I knew he had even taken a step. He touched my shoulder, sending a blaze of fire radiating through the thick fabric of his coat.
“And what do you believe to be true now, Pele?” The deep strength in his voice had returned, yet I was consumed with weakness. The flame worked its way down through my core. My bare legs ignited the cold that enveloped them.
I was a pawn to its warmth.
“I believe...I believe you didn’t mean to hurt me, that your intention was never to hurt me,” I said.
“And do you believe that I’m in love with you? That I need you? That I can’t fathom my life without you in it for even one more second? Because all of that is true, Tori. I can’t live without you anymore; it hurts too much to not be with you. I love you.” His hand moved to my face, warming my cheek with his fiery touch.
I lifted my hand to rest on his and melted into it. I wanted this moment to last, to stretch until morning. I wanted every morning after that, too. I wanted to tell him I felt the same way.
I didn’t want to walk away from him…but that’s what had to be done.
I’d made a promise to myself; I didn’t break my promises.
“I believe you, Kai, but-”
“But what? Can’t we move past this, Tori? I’m willing to do whatever it takes to regain your trust, to show you I can be the man you need me to be-”
“But that’s not what I need from you, Kai,” I said, my heart pounding a thousand beats a minute.
He lowered his hand with mine, gripping it tightly in his. He stared into my eyes with desperation. Tears filled and blurred my view of the only man I’d ever loved.
A man I was hurting.
“I need you to let me go. There are things I have to do on my own. I’ve come too far, worked too hard to stop this process before I can finally find a sense of freedom. You...you started it for me, Kai. You stirred the desire for me to want to live outside of Anna’s shadow, but you can’t finish it for me. I have to do it,” I said.
He pulled me into his arms and held me in a way that no other person ever had. I wanted to weep, yet I wanted to hide at the same time. I wanted to be led into his refuge, away from the sadness, away from the pain. Minutes passed before I felt the soft shudder of his body, no sound to be heard.
And then I felt it on my cheek: a tear, foreign to my own eyes. And then I felt another and another. Silence hung between us and I burrowed myself deeper into his chest, deeper into his hold on me.
I would not be the first one to let go.
I was the coward.
“I can see a change in you. It’s like you’ve been transformed. I saw it even from across the church last week at the pageant,” he said.
I listened to the sound of his heartbeat as I rested my ear against his chest.
“I’ve prayed so much for that, Tori. I prayed that you would find God and that you would stop running.”
I lifted my head at those words.
I had heard those words countless times before, just as loud and clear as the heartbeat I was hearing now in his chest.
“I wish this wasn’t the end, Kai,” I said.
Holding my arms in his hands firmly, he pushed me back slightly to look in my eyes. Our bodies were still close—still touching.
“It doesn’t have to be.” He paused as he searched my face. “Do you really feel I’ll hold you back…from healing? Is this really what you need from me?”
I swallowed hard. “Yes, it’s what I need.”
He closed his eyes. A single tear slid down past his jaw and dropped onto my arm, absorbing at once into the jacket I wore.
“Then I won’t argue...even if...”
He couldn’t finish the sentence.
I knew what it meant and it would hurt too much to hear him say it.
An explosion of sound filled the air around us: screams, shouts, fireworks and music. The reality of the moment we shared broke into our intimate conversation.
It was midnight, on New Year’s Eve.
In the same exact instant our eyes met, a desperate intensity sparked between us. This was our last chance. This was our goodbye.
There was no leader; the kiss was desired equally by us both. There was no beginning, just a relentless passion that multiplied itself with each passing second. He held my head in his hands as heat blazed down the back of my neck. I strained forward to keep his lips on mine. I’d missed him, more than I ever dared to realize.
With him my heart felt whole, restored and complete.
I love him.
My arms moved from his chest to his shoulders, pulling him toward me, willing him to keep me close. When I felt his grip start to loosen in my hair, I stood up on my tip toes, tightening my arms around his neck. I forced him to lift me off the ground and continue what I couldn’t bear to end. His hands were now tight around my waist, supporting my body as I refused to acknowledge the truth about this kiss.
This kiss was to be our last.
His lips stopped moving after a moment more. His breath was labored and quick as he pulled away from me. My name he whispered softly in my ear, bringing me back to my senses, to my reality, to my promise. As he lowered me onto to the ground I felt dizzy, intoxicated from his touch. I stabled myself on his outstretched arm, finding my footing once more.
“I’ll let you go for now, Pele, but not forever. Whatever you have to do, wherever you have to go, I’ll keep loving you. I’ll keep waiting for you...praying for you,” he said.
His face shadowed again with pain.
I love you, Kai. I love you!
“Goodbye, Kai.”
He shook his head, refusing to say it back to me. A new set of tears filled my eyes as I stared at his stubborn resolve. I took off his jacket and held it out to him. He refused it as well.
I shivered, bare, and exposed without the warmth it provided. He stood looking at me, unmoved. I didn’t want to leave like this, without the closure I had come for. I needed something concrete, something more than a passionate kiss shared on New Year’s Eve. I needed something more than an unconditional declaration of love.
Those words had only bred new hope, not finality.
Not closure.
“Please, Kai. I need to hear you say it...please just tell me goodbye,” I pleaded.
He exhaled slowly, and with a look that could chill a flame he said, “Until then, Pele.”
With that, he turned and walked away.
I stood alone, holding his jacket in my arms, trembling in the cold. I put it on again, watching him until he was completely out of sight. There was no point in trying to stop the tears now.
Making my way through the parking lot to the valet booth, the world around me hummed. A new year had begun. I stuffed my hands into the pockets of Kai’s jacket and felt something crinkle beneath the weight of my fingers.
The lyrics to his song—my song.
I placed them on the dashboard once inside my car. Reading them through slowly, the last verse and chorus came alive with new meaning.
I only want to see you freed
Outside the walls you cannot see
So break away from debts not yours
Receive the grace that's been out-poured
So take your time and take your space
I’ll be here while you navigate
My love for you alone will wait
My love for you alone will wait
Kai had known. In his own way, within his own words, he had known.
I wished that fact alone would bring me comfort, but I couldn’t feel anything but the cold.
THIRTY-TWO
Two weeks had passed, bringing the coldest January known to Dallas in over forty years. The air had been frigid, but it was the increased precipitation that was the concern of many. Black ice and freezing rain had meant more automobile accidents and slips and falls by unassuming folks, especially the elderly. The ER had been packed, the majority transported by emergency vehicles. I had worked several extra shifts to help lighten the load, always searching the faces of the EMTs who delivered our patients.
I had not seen Kai since New Year’s Eve.
Dr. Crane had returned from her holiday vacation, but her schedule was working overtime. My appointment had been bumped to the end of the week and I found myself looking forward to meeting with her—only more proof that change was indeed taking place. Since I’d begun my therapy last September, this was the longest break I’d had from seeing her. It felt strange that several significant events had transpired without her knowing.
I walked down the hallway past the nurse’s station to a tiny workspace in the corner. I’d been inside only once before, the day of my job interview with Meg Holt. She was working on the department schedule as I tapped lightly on the framed glass. She waved me in.
“Hey Tori, everything okay?” she asked.
“Yes, thank you. I just had some paperwork I wanted to turn in for the Consider Africa program,” I said.
Her eyes lit up and her smile grew wide, “That’s wonderful Tori, how exciting for you. It must be nice, having no strings attached. A lot of gals your age are already so tied down. I’ll fax this over ASAP. They should be sending you some additional information to explain the rest of their procedures, along with your acceptance into the program. I know you’ll have a phone interview for sure, along with a list of vaccines to schedule. Wow, in just six weeks, you could be in Africa!”
I swallowed hard before responding, “Thanks Meg, I look forward to hearing from them.”
I handed her the papers, feeling a rush of nerves hit my gut at once. I tried to shake the unsettled feeling as I left her office, but it continued all the way out into the parking lot.
I heard her words again in my head and cringed.
‘Must be nice, having no strings attached...’
If only I felt the same.
Careful to navigate my way back to my car and avoid the ice, I imagined the heat of Africa and the children I would get to help. I thought of the team I’d work with and the techniques I’d learn. There were many things to be excited about, many new challenges and discoveries that awaited my arrival.
I just needed to figure out how to tell my family; the clock was ticking in more ways than one.
**********
I awoke to the strong smell of cleaning supplies. A lemon scent mixed with the menthol of mouth wash filled the air as I made my way down the stairs. Stacie—hair in a headband with blond curls flinging left to right—was cleaning the stove top. She was in Jack’s sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt that read Go Organic on the front. I stifled a laugh at the site of her.
She had been in quite a mood lately and joking about her attire wouldn’t bode well for me. I waited to speak till she saw me. I didn’t want the charge of sneaking up on her added to my rap sheet.
“Hey Stace, how long have you been cleaning, this morning?” I asked.
Stacie glanced behind her at the clock on the wall, “A couple hours. I’m not sleeping well these days and there is a lot that has to be done around here.”
I looked around at the practically spotless house and decided not to argue with her. Instead, I asked how I could help.
“I actually made a list last night. I’m going to check things off as I go. Most of it I should probably just do myself,” she said.
I nodded, uncertain of my next response.
If I told her I’d like to help anyway, she might think I felt she was incapable, which of course, wasn’t the case. However, if I agreed to let her work alone, she might think I was uncaring. It was a precarious situation for sure. I tried a mixed approach. At least that way she’d have to think about which offense she’d grab a hold of.
“You know, that’s a really good plan. You’re so detail-oriented, Stace. I’m sure you just want to get everything right. I’d love to help with anything you need though, so just let me know.”
She stared at me for a long second. I braced for the fall-out. She smiled then, and put her hand on her hip, “Thanks Tori, I’ll do that. I appreciate your offer.”
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