by Frankie Love
I told him I jumped off a bridge once, and I don’t expect him to ever trust me again. But damn, I hope like hell he’ll listen.
“Sorry, I had to go, I faked my death because—”
Cal falls to his knees, shaking from his core.
Juliana sobs beside him, her hands on his shoulders, then she’s on her knees too. “I’m so sorry Cal, but I had to—”
“Why did you do this?” Cal asks, incredulously.
Looking down at him, my oldest friend, the man I betrayed in such a deep way none of my reasons seem to matter anymore.
“It’s not a story you’re gonna want to know. It’s a story that makes me ashamed of the place I come from. Ashamed of the people who share my name.”
“Tell me,” Cal begs. “Just fucking tell me why. Do you have any idea what we’ve been through? We had a service for you. We thought you were gone, and now I’m seeing a goddamned ghost. None of this can be fucking real. Are you real?”
He has a right to hate me, to wish me dead. But that’s not the tone of voice he has right now. It’s more disbelief than anger.
I’m still here and he’s still here.
I shake my head, gathering my words. “The night your parents died, Cal, my parents, you know, were in the car with them. And the night the photos of me at the A-list were leaked, I went over to see my parents, and—“ I start crying now, my shoulders shaking. I need to be strong, Cal deserves the truth. “My mom was drunk, and she told me about the night your parents died. She fucking told me that she was the one who called the paparazzi. It was because of her that there was a car chase. My parents are the fucking reason your parents died.
“They called the press because they wanted the attention. Wanted the photographs and the fame. My parents were hungry for it and it cost you your fucking family. My parents did this to you and all this time have pretended to love you, to care about you.” I run my hands through my hair, unable to look in Cal’s eyes.
“I didn’t want you to know the truth. It’s a story that should never be told. It’s so fucking awful. And I didn’t want to do the same thing to you one day, Cal. Lead you into a deathtrap by being my friend.”
Cal looks up at me, finding the strength to stand somehow. And when he does, he pulls me into an embrace, clapping me on the back. “You are a goddamn fucking idiot, Sawyer. What does that have to do with you? How are their choices yours?”
“Don’t you get? My life was fucking out of control. I didn’t want it anymore. I was getting so much heat, so much attention, and I was scared it would bring you down. All you wanted in life Cal, was to have a life out of the public eye. Being best friends with me, was bad enough, but I knew it was only a matter of time before my drama became yours. I wanted to save you from that”
“I never asked for you to be my protector.”
All of a sudden, the words of Sadie’s mom rush back to me. A few days ago, she sat in the bar, looking at her daughter and told her that she wasn’t asking her daughter to be her guardian angel, her protector, either.
And I remember what Sadie told her mom in response.
She wasn’t asking permission.
“I’m your best friend. I’d do anything for you. I’d fucking die for you, Cal.”
“Sawyer, I didn’t need you to die in order to keep me safe. What I needed was my best fucking friend.”
“I don’t expect you to ever forgive me. Dammit, Cal, I’m sorry. I hate that I did this to you, that I did this to us.”
“All I wanted, all along, was my best friend.” Cal wipes tears from his eyes. “And it looks like I fucking found you.”
“I don’t deserve your forgiveness,” I tell him.
Sadie and Jules watch us, covering their mouths in disbelief as we hug it out.
“Fuck that,” Cal says. “None of us fucking deserve any of this. And what does that have to do with anything anyway? Isn’t all of this more than we fucking deserve?” Cal’s face is written in rage, he’s pissed at me, at the situation. And I understand it all too well.
It’s fucked up.
I fucked it up.
“You’re right, all that matters is what we have at the moment. The people around us, the ones we can hang on to. Hold on to. God knows, faking my death wasn’t the answer.”
“What is the answer?” Jules asks, her voice soft
“The answer? If you have the chance to live your life, then live it. If you have something to hold on to, don’t fucking let go.”
Cal wipes his eyes with the back of his hand, and Jules wraps her arms around him. At the same time Sadie wraps her arms around me.
“I forgive you, man,” Cal says. “I’m just so fucking glad you’re alive.”
Relief washes over me as I accept the grace I don’t fucking deserve.
None of us deserve anything. The fact that we’re still standing on this earth, is a precious gift.
And I’ll never forget that again.
So long as I’m breathing, I’ll never take it for granted.
18
Cal and Sawyer sit around the dining room table in my little cottage, catching up about the last month of their lives. There’s a bottle of Johnnie Walker between them and they keep pouring shots as the fourth of July turns into the fifth. Jules and I sit on the couch, our feet tucked under our legs, watching the men we both love, reconnect.
I’ve never known men like this.
Men who want to forgive, who want to stay—stick it out. Men who choose to be good and decent when it would be so easy to remain cold and bitter.
Before my stepdad, I only remember glimpses of my father. A man who left when I was still naïve enough to believe that he’d come home.
He never did, and my mom tried to move on, but my dad changed her in ways I don’t know if she’s ever healed from. She went from being a mom who turned up the music and danced with me in the living room, to being a woman who apologized for every damn thing she didn’t do. The things she did do, too.
Then there was my stepdad, a man who went from being controlling to abusive and was so good at manipulation, both my mom and I always thought it was our fault he was mad.
Her behavior became my behavior and patterns emerged. It took her almost dying for me to stop being the victim in my life and start being a hero. Sure, maybe murder isn’t exactly heroic in everyone’s eyes—but in my mom’s eyes? It was.
Besides the men my mom saw, I had boyfriends over the years too. There were guys I dated in Pennsylvania, but none of them were men.
They were all boys.
Nothing like Sawyer and Levi Callahan. When they saw each other, and Sawyer asked Cal for forgiveness; when they wrapped one another in man-hugs with tears in their eyes, I saw a different kind of human.
I saw real men for the first time in my life. Men who know what it means to fight for what matters in life—even when it’s hard. Even when it hurts. Even when it’s scary to say I’m sorry. And when it’s even scarier to say I forgive you.
Jules has been drinking the gin and tonic’s I keep pouring, and when I hand her a new glass, she smiles, taking it. I know tonight threw her for a loop too.
“So, somehow you managed to end up in Resting Hollow. Do you love it as much as I do?” she asks.
There’s no shaking, no biting my bottom lip. No denying the truth. “I love this place,” I tell her. “I feel like somehow I was supposed to be here. Supposed to come and meet Sawyer and Dusty, and you. It’s like all the pieces to the puzzle of my life somehow fit the moment my car broke down in this town. In fact, I haven’t even paid to get my car fixed yet. I think it’s because subconsciously I haven’t wanted a reason to go.”
Jules smiles, “I know what you mean. Cal and I talk about settling down here one day. My dad’s in the farmhouse all by himself and it would be nice to have a family of my own in the house I grew up in.”
I raise an eyebrow, “Why did you come back to town? I mean, you were here just a few weeks ago.”
“My G
randma, she passed away.” Jules blinks, and it’s obvious her emotions over the loss are still raw. “She passed the night the fight happened at Sawyer’s premiere.”
“Oh, my God, I’m so sorry, Jules.” I reach out and squeeze her hand, already feeling a kinship to this woman. It seems like she knows a thing or two about valuing family too.
“She was in a lot of pain for a long time, and I hope she’s in a better place. Thankfully I have a whole lifetime of memories spent with her. But to think about my dad living alone here now?” Jules shakes her head. “Makes me sad to imagine him all by himself.”
“Are you gonna stay then?”
She runs a finger over her lip and for the first time I notice the engagement ring on her finger. I don’t say anything though, I just met her and besides it isn’t any of my business.
“We aren’t going to stay now, I want to go to see the world. I haven’t been very many places and while Cal has traveled a lot, he hasn’t really gone places to see the sights...”
She grins at this. “As I’m sure you know, Cal and Sawyer have quite the history of playing hard. All their money has afforded them a lifestyle a teensy bit different than what you get in Resting. Thankfully, that is all in the past now. And Cal and I can begin our future.”
No surprises there about Cal and Sawyer’s lifestyle. The fuck club and living in Hollywood, there’s no doubt that these two men have lived a lifetime of crazy adventures.
“Anyway, my grandma’s service was a few days ago and now we’re making plans for our next adventure. We are going to travel all over the world; Italy, Australia, Japan. I don’t know, exactly where, or when—we’re just going to see where the wind takes us.”
“You’re okay with giving up your career?”
“Career?” Jules smiles. “I never wanted to be a supermodel. Honestly, the whole thing was out of my comfort zone and not in a good way. I’m grateful for the experience because it brought me Cal, and has given me the courage to take some risks in my life, but I don’t ever need to be on the runway again.”
“And Cal, he’s okay with no longer being a bartender and running a sex club?”
“Oh, God, yeah. And I won’t mind having him all to myself for a while.”
“So, you and Cal are pretty serious?”
“I’d say so.” She beams, showing me her ring. “We’re getting married. We haven’t set a date or anything, but I want to get married back at the farm. So right now we’re just going to take our time getting to know one another.”
“That’s wonderful,” I tell her, and I mean it. “Congratulations.”
“And you and Sawyer? Are you two pretty serious?”
I look over at the man I’ve given my heart to. His eyes meet mine and he gives me a soft smile, one that causes my heart to flutter and my face to flush. When he looks at me, I feel beautiful. But more than that, when he looks at me I feel known. “Yeah,” I tell her. “I’d say we’re pretty serious, too.”
A few days later, Dusty gives me the new code for club entrance.
“Be careful, Sadie. If you aren’t up to working the rest of the night, I understand.”
“No, I can work, I mean, there hasn’t been any word of my stepdad coming here, has there?”
“None,” Dusty says. And Teddy came back this morning, he said he had nothing to report, couldn’t find him,”
“Oh, really?” I frown. “I haven’t seen Teddy. I need to thank him for at least trying.”
Dusty nods, patting my shoulder. “That man would tell you it’s been his pleasure. You know he’d do anything for you.”
“Still, I want to thank him. He’s been more than a friend. He’s been family, helping however he could. It means so much.”
“Well, when you see him next, might not hurt to give the old lug a kiss on the cheek.” We share a knowing smile, then Dusty adds, “Here’s another thing: you need to stop calling that asshole your stepdad. He and your mama, they’re nothing. Not anymore.”
I smirk, raising an eyebrow in question. “So, what’s all this?” I put my hands on my hips. “You claiming my mom as your own now? Is that why you’re so protective of her?”
“I swear to God, Sadie.” A blush rises to his cheeks which is a pretty impressive feat considering he doesn’t exactly wear his heart on his sleeve. “I don’t know about labels and all that shit, I never needed them before in my life. But your mom and me? Let me just say, I’m not letting her out of my sight.”
“In that case,” I say, wiping down the bar. “Where is she, exactly?”
Dusty stops looks around. “I haven’t seen her since we opened, to be honest.” The bar is full, the townies are here still working off their Fourth of July hangovers. They have their pool cues in the air and are smoking cigarettes. People crunching peanut shells as they walk across the bar in their cowboy boots. And me? I’ll be pouring Bud Light till the sun comes up.
“I’m gonna head to my place,” he tells me. “Make sure she’s okay.”
“Don’t forget, Bennett said he’d help at the bar if it got too crazy in here.”
“Sounds good, honestly, I like the idea of another man being with you. In case crazy shit goes down, I hate that idea of you being here alone.”
I shake my head at Dusty, he’s becoming a softy.
Looks good on him.
Dusty leaves as Sawyer shows up. I love knowing his secret identity, and his beard is so grown-out, as is his hair, that no one would notice him with the ball cap on. Sawyer kisses my neck, and I elbow him away, not wanting the customers to start hooting and hollering at us. Jules and Callahan walk toward us, and I reach for pint glasses, filling up glasses of beer for them both.
Callahan has his own undercover look going on, which makes sense considering his face has been on magazines this past week. Apparently, he has a big interview coming out in Exposé magazine later next week. A tell-all interview, with his side of the story of what happened when his parents died.
My heart tightens as I think about the fact that Sawyer is still figuring out how he’s gonna break the news to his own parents. It’s not gonna be easy, and it’s impossible to know how they are going to respond when they find out Sawyer is alive.
Still, Sawyer is willing to take the risk. What’s the point of any of this if you are always hiding who you really are?
“Here’s your Bud Light,” I tell them, handing them over.
Cal raises his glass. “This is what the locals drink, right?”
Jules rolls her eyes. But she nods and takes the beer I offer her.
“We’re just gonna go over there,” she says, “Some of my high school friends are here.”
“Sounds good.”
Sawyer pinches my butt cheek then refills the bowl of diced limes and lemon wedges. I inform him how to correctly restock my bar and he listens, does just as I ask. Maraschino cherries—no juice. Green olives––on toothpicks. It’s pretty cute having him here, helping me out.
“I think I know who is gonna star in my novel,” he tells me, coming up behind me and whispering in my ear.
“Oh yeah? And who’s that?”
“It’s gonna be a book about this woman, she has a perfect set of tits, wears the shortest pair of shorts to the bar she works at every night, and always puts on a tank top that reveals her rack, her nipples always poking out. The only thing I hate about her ensemble is that her apron covers her pussy, which I could see sink my mouth into if only I could see it.”
“Oh, yeah?” I laugh. “And what does this bartender do? What makes her the hero of the story?
“Oh, she has a way about her,”
“A little vague, don’t you think?”
“Vague?” Sawyer steps back in mock shock. “Not in the least. The way about her is the reason she is so legendary. She’s magical, the way she can reel a man in, make him drop his guard.”
I smile at him, thinking he better not be writing a book about me. Instead of pushing on him though, I just whisper in his ear, �
�I wouldn’t mind you dropping something else.”
That makes him laugh.
“Sure, we can drop these pants later,” he tells me. “And I’ll get down on my knees.”
“Your knees?” I raise my eyes, laughing at him as he gets down on the floor. “I thought that was the position you wanted me in,” I say laughing, looking around. The line for drinks is only getting longer.
“Sawyer, what are you getting at?” I say leaning down and whispering his name.
“I’m getting at one thing. One thing alone.”
“And that is?”
“Marry me. Marry me, Sadie. Be my wife. My world. I want you to be the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see when I go to sleep at night. I want to write stories about you. About the woman who stole my heart. The woman who made me a man.”
“It’s too much,” I say tears brimming in my eyes, trying to absorb his words.
The promise he’s trying to make.
It feels too good.
“How long are you gonna make me stay here on my knees, baby?” He pulls out a ring, a diamond ring so exquisite, so delicate, I wonder if it’ll even fit on my finger.
“Say yes.”
And so, I do. I slip that ring on my finger and I wrap my arms around his neck and I kiss him, breathing him and an memorizing his lips and swearing to God I’ll never forget this moment for as long as I live.
“I love you, too. And of course, I’ll be your wife.” I kiss him again, unable to restrain myself. Not wanting to restrain anything. “How the hell did we both end up in this place?” I ask.
“I have no fucking clue. But here we are.”
“I have to tell my mom. Get her and Dusty back here to celebrate. Do you think you can hold the fort?” I ask.
“Course.” Sawyer stands and I fling my arms around him, not knowing how long any of these moments are going to last.
In life, there are no guarantees.
But right now, Sawyer is alive. In my arms, promised to me. I won’t let go easily.
19
After Sadie leaves to get her mom, I know I’m grinning like a goddamn fool. Cal comes back up to the bar for a refill and calls me on it.