A DEATH TO DIE FOR

by Geoffrey Wilding

  In the half light I was stunned to see the whole tube laying snake like at my feet with the food exuding from it’s ‘mouth’ as the pump continued to whirr away, I stood there trance like in my nightgown.

  I tried to coax my brain into some lucidity so as to make sense of these surreal events and do something about it, after a few moments I managed to switch the pump off and then trying not to step in the goo on the floor I slowly moved around the bed so that I could press the emergency button.

  At that time of night those things work really well and within a matter of seconds I heard footsteps in the corridor and a nurse opened the door and asked was there a problem, I just pointed to the expanding sea of refined porridge, she switched on the main light to see what I was pointing at and said for me to wait there and she would get something to clean it up.

  While out of the room she must have called for assistance because just after she returned with some paper towels to clean the floor, Tingha arrived looking very sleepy indeed he asked had I hurt myself and I told him not as far as I knew.

  He sat me in the chair and said that he would have to insert another NG tube and so he left to collect one from the store, he was gone for what seemed a very long time so much so that the nurse had had time to clean the floor, wipe it with a damp cloth, remove the bag and the line from the drip stand and clear it away and I had managed to use the loo.

  When Tingha got back he said that he was sorry for being so long but that when he had got to the stores he had found that there were no adult NG tubes available so he had made a detour to the children’s ward and managed to get a child’s one which should be alright until the morning when it could be changed for an adult one.

  He sat me in the chair and repeated the process of earlier in the day, it seemed over the intervening period that he must have become something of an expert in the process or that he was already much better at it than Tucker as he quickly inserted the new NG tube, just asking me all the time to swallow while he did it.

  I asked him if he would put a bigger plaster to hold the NG tube on this time and he found some kind of wound dressing about 3” square, I was then expecting to be trundled back to the X-ray department to for him check that it was in the correct position, but no, not this time, he just asked me to get back into bed and fitted a new food bag to the pump and tube and having quickly checked that the pump was working he left the room with the nurse, switching the light off as they closed the door.

  Trying to get back to sleep when something like that has happened is almost impossible I can tell you, so I lay awake in the near darkness for at least a couple of hours but in those waking moments I had time to do some serious thinking about what was going to happen to me and what I needed to do while I was still capable, so I knew that I would need to try and talk to Helen about these difficult subjects when she came in later and then I must have dozed off.

  Thursday 1st December 2005

  The noise of the early nurse coming into the room woke me, she noticed that the pump had completely emptied the food bag on the stand so she switched off the pump and disconnected the tube, I always got a sense of freedom when they did this as it meant I could move about without having to wheel the drip stand with me.

  The nurse asked me how I was feeling this morning and I said that although the events of the night before had kept me awake for long periods that in fact I had managed to sleep for about three hours which had given me a bit of a lift and she seemed genuinely pleased for me, she said did I want to have the next food bag fitted or wait until after I had used the bathroom and it was agreed to wait where upon she left the room.

  The mirror in the shower room was a small oblong fitted over the hand basin so all I could really see was my head and shoulders and this morning the reflected image was not an attractive sight, by now I had started a beard and it was the first time that I had really looked at the NG tube which although now disconnected was still full of the beige food stuff which seemed odd as I had been brought up to always finish what was on my plate (I was starting to have these surreal flashbacks) and my hair was stood on end like a cocks comb, the whole impression was the nearest I had seen myself looking like a punk with the NG tube reminding me of a body piercing.

  I thought that I had better tidy myself up a bit before everyone came in so with my good arm I wetted down my hair immediately changing my look from ‘Johnny Rotten’ to the keyboard player from ‘Sparks’ and then managed to lather and wet shave my face carefully manoeuvring the razor around the sticking plaster and the NG tube, as I reviewed the now amended reflected image I thought not bad considering I had only been able to use one arm.

  I managed to get my gown on by pushing my right arm down the right sleeve of my gown and then feeling around the collar and pulling the rest of it over my left shoulder and then I sat in the chair and waited for Helen to arrive during which time the bed linen duo undertook a fascinating and efficient sheet change, in hospital you will watch anything even mundane tasks with an all absorbing intensity just to help time pass by.

  It was not long after I had got dressed that Helen entered the room, she smiled and was a real sight for sore eyes, she has always been a smart elegant woman and now the tear stained cheeks and untended hair of the previous couple of days were gone, she had made sure that she looked her very best for me.

  She came across to the chair and gave me a big hug and kissed me on the shaved cheek she then stood back and admired my efforts at sartorial splendour and to her credit she managed to keep it to a smile and didn’t actually laugh out loud.

  My voice was still no more that a husky whisper but I managed to explain to Helen what had happened during the night, she was concerned but could also see the funny side particularly as no harm had been done and she was also pleased that I had managed to get some decent sleep and that I was feeling a bit better this morning.

  I had been told that I was supposed to be getting all of my sustenance from the balanced food supplied by the NG porridge but whether it was the atropine patches or just that I couldn’t drink anything I didn’t know but I still had a raging thirst.

  Helen then said that she had managed to make some phone calls and that Bill would come to see me this afternoon but that the solicitor was on holiday until the following Wednesday and she had been asked did I want to see anyone else in his absence but I said that I would rather wait as I didn’t want to discuss our private matters with someone we didn’t know.

  The consultant came into the room doing his rounds, he said that as my condition was going to have an effect on my brain and nervous system that my case was to be taken over by a specialist neurological consultant who split his time between Hereford and Birmingham hospitals, and only came to Hereford two days a week and so he would be calling in to see me later when he had finished his morning clinics, he also said that he would be keeping an overall watching brief out of interest as it was an unusual medical condition.

  Just about lunchtime the new consultant came in, he smiled and introduced himself, I was by now sitting in the chair while Helen sat on the bed holding my hand, he explained in more detail how he thought the condition had arisen and in what way the symptoms of the growing cancer might develop, he said that there would probably be more extensive paralysis which eventually would lead to a final closing down of my lung and heart function, he leaned closer and his voice became quieter as he said that he couldn’t give any definite timings because it would depend on how aggressive the cancer turned out to be but that he thought that what I had already been told was about right.

  At this Helen’s grip tightened, she could no longer maintain her stoicism, her shoulders heaved and floods of tears came, all I could do was reach across with my right arm and pull her head onto my shoulder and try to comfort her, I think that the consultant was also affected by Helen’s outpouring as he stood upright and turned his head away.

  After a while Helen was able to regain some composure, she reached for a tissue to dab at her eyes
and wipe her nose, she apologised to the consultant who almost seemed slightly embarrassed, he replied saying that she had absolutely no need to apologise and that he wished that he could give us better news.

  Helen and I just sat looking at each other holding hands, there were things that needed to be said but as a couple we instinctively knew that this was not the time, the consultant was at pains to say that as far as he could tell the situation had not changed however he would like to try and determine more accurately the extent and actual makeup of the tumour.

  He said that he would like me to have an MIR scan but that he had already checked and because it was close to the weekend all the lists were full so he had arranged for me to have it done on Monday morning so that the results would be available for his next visit he also said that he wanted to test the fluid in my spinal column for cancer cells and that he would arrange for me to have a lumber puncture which would be carried out later today.

  After he left, Helen and I agreed that if the consultant was still looking for more detail then possibly he might just come up with a different outcome so our mood lifted a little, Helen asked whether I had tried the over bed TV yet and when I said that I hadn’t been really bothered she persuaded me to have a go, so I took my place on the bed and between us we spent a distracted 15-20 minutes working out where the card went, where to plug in the earphones and how the controls worked, it was the first time I had used a flat screen TV and I was impressed with the quality of the picture.

  Just then there was a knock at the door and Bill arrived, I switched the TV off and removed the headphones, Helen said she could do with a cup of tea asked him if he would like her to fetch a cup for him, Bill accepted her offer and as Helen left the room he came and sat in the chair next to the bed.

  Bill was in his late seventies and I knew him to be a very caring person, he reached over and took my hand, he said that he was very fond of both me and Helen and had been terribly upset when Helen had phoned him and told him of the situation, with tears in his eyes and a quavering voice he said that he had contacted a good number of the Lodge Brethren since Helen’s call and they had all asked him to pass on their prayers and sympathy for us both and some had also sent more personal messages which Bill repeated.

  When Helen returned she found us both upset from our discussing what things might have been, as Helen handed him the vending machine cup Bill cleared his throat and thanked her and after he had taken a couple of sips he was more his old self again, we then spent some time reminiscing about the times we had spent together particularly one time on the golf course when Helen had come for a walk while Bill and I hacked our way round, we all agreed that it had been a much happier time.

  Eventually though the conversation ran dry and Bill said that he needed to go as he still had a lot of preparation for his big night a week next Monday and with that he wished us both an emotional farewell as I don’t think he was contemplating making another visit.

  Once Bill had left I think that it was the first time that Helen and I really realised the numbers of people beyond our own close family and friends that would be effected by my demise.

  The rest of the afternoon past with the hospital operating around us in its usual almost automated fashion with nurses moving to and forth attending to patients and creating the background hubbub of busy people, the time came when Helen had to make the move home for Jim, it was a particularly hard time for him at the moment as he was in the final stages of his A level education, preparing for the spring exams and his chances of being able to concentrate with everything that was going on were pretty slim so we agreed that it was important that Helen should try to keep his regime as normal as possible to give him a fighting chance.

  While she was away I busied myself with the over bed TV and became absorbed with a history programme on UKTV which is not a channel that we had at home.

  Early evening saw Helen and Jim back at the hospital, I recounted to Jim what the new consultant had said about further tests and a little later as if almost on cue Tingha and Tucker appeared at the door, they asked if it was OK to prep me for the lumber puncture which they were intending to carry out after visiting, we said yes and Helen and Jim stepped out into the corridor, I think that Jim went to get a cola for himself and a hot chocolate for Helen.

  The doctors told me that I would need to roll on my right side and explained that they were going to give me several anaesthetic injections to the area of my back where they needed to insert the needle into my backbone and once done they would leave me for a while for the anaesthetic to take effect and then return to carry out the lumber puncture, so with that they asked me to adopt the foetal position and after adjusting my clothing they wiped my exposed back with alcohol rub and then proceeded with the injections.

  I’m not sure how many they decided were necessary but after the first couple of scratches I didn’t feel much at all because the anaesthetic was starting to work, when completed they rubbed my skin again with the swab and said they would be back later.

  Time past, Helen and Jim had by now returned to the room and finished their drinks and we were all starting to wonder where the doctors had got to, more time went by and eventually they returned apologising for the delay by explaining that they had been called to deal with an emergency.

  They asked me to roll on my side again and tested the area of my back with the cap of a pen and asked me if I could still feel anything, to which I gave an affirmative answer so Tucker, who seemed to be taking charge this evening asked Tingha if he would go and get another dose of anaesthetic, Helen realising that it was starting to get late and that this could take sometime thought that it would be a good time for her and Jim to leave and we said our goodbyes.

  I had not really been looking forward to this procedure as I had needed to have it done a couple of times about 25 years previously when I had injured my back at work, so this delay was starting to vex me somewhat.

  When Tingha got back Tucker injected my back another three or four times, they both left but this time returned in about twenty minutes and having tested the numbness of the area again and finding it satisfactory Tucker decided that he was going to proceed with the lumber puncture.

  They asked me to get into the foetal position once more and to try to hold onto to my legs because it was important that I should stay steady while they put the needle in to my spine so I curled up on the bed and with my good arm I tried to cradle my knees.

  From this position I could not see what they were doing but I felt a pressing sensation on my back as though they were feeling where they need to insert the needle and then I felt a pressure point release as the needle broke the skin, but there was no pain, I heard Tingha and Tucker mumbling to each other but I could not make out what they were saying.

  The next sensation I felt was the end of the needle sort of grating on the surface of my backbone, this went on for a bit as though Tucker was trying to find the gap between my vertebrae, then he said could I please curl up more tightly, I tried but to no avail as he still did not seem to be able to find the gap he was searching for.

  He then said that he was sorry but that he would have to try again in another position, I thought great not only am I going to die soon and at this rate I’ll be crippled as well.

  He went through the whole process once more but again all I could feel was the grating on the surface of the bone but thankfully still no pain, all the time Tingha and Tucker’s mumblings became louder and more agitated but still at a level where my less than acute hearing could not discern the meaning of the flow of words.

  Tucker then removed the needle and I heard the syringe clang into the metal dish, he said that he was having some difficulty and needed to discuss the matter with a colleague and that he would be back shortly.

  With that he left the room instructing Tingha to stay and keep an eye on things, I stayed as tightly curled up as I could manage because I was worried that if I moved that I might cause myself further injury, I said to Ting
ha that I supposed his mate had gone for the instruction manual, but the attempt at humour fell on deaf ears.

  Maybe twenty minutes or so passed by during which time Tingha who seemed to be getting anxious at the length of wait went across to the door on a couple of occasions to see if Tucker was coming, I think maybe he thought he had done a runner leaving him with the problem, anyway Tucker eventually reappeared at the door followed closely by a Chinese gentleman, I heard him ask the other two quietly what my name was which received a mumbled answer and then he said that Doctor [Tucker] has asked him to assist with this procedure and could I please curl up really tightly and stay very still.

  With that the new doctor took the syringe and with no problem at all felt along my spine, inserted the needle into the spinal cavity, removed the required amount of fluid and replaced the syringe back in the metal dish all within a minute I should guess.

  I then heard him tell Tingha and Tucker in a low angry voice that he had helped them out this time but if ever either of them called him out again he would report them and with that he left at some pace.