I was surprised to see him this late in the day so I pulled the off the earphones and pushed the TV to one side and he came and sat on the bed next to me.
He said that he had called in on his way back from the Birmingham hospital because he wanted to let me know himself that unfortunately at the management meeting it had been decided that my prognosis was such that it would not make sense to authorise a PET scan on the basis of cost against outcome.
At this late stage of my condition they felt that having one would not lead to any beneficial treatments that could extend my life expectancy.
My heart sank and my head dropped into my hand.
The consultant put his hand on my shoulder and assured me that he was not prepared to give up so easily and that he knew of a patient who was due to be discharged from the ward at Birmingham sometime tomorrow and that if I agreed he would send me there as he would be able to argue my case better if I was on site rather than here in Hereford.
He went on to say that I would need to be ready to move sometime in the early afternoon once the discharge was confirmed.
I felt in many ways that this was the worse case scenario for me, I already had misgivings of foregoing my private room for an open ward at a time when my condition would be deteriorating, there was also the fact that Helen probably would not be able to visit so frequently and a definite likelihood of me becoming incontinent as the nerve damaged increased.
All the horrors that this would hold for me if I was in an open ward stacked up as a huge negative against the slim positive that the PET scan may, just may, offer the hope of some treatment which could, if successful, allow me to spend some extra time with Helen albeit that it might be at the hospice.
I remembered what I had said to Andy back at the start of all this, so I lifted my head to face the consultant and said that I would place my trust in him, if he thought that there was even the slimmest chance that the PET scan could offer a better insight into the possibility of some treatment that might give me more time then I was prepared to make the move.
He said that I must understand that he couldn’t make any promises about the outcome but that nothing more could be done for me here.
I nodded my understanding of what he was saying and he said he would be able to let me know more in the morning.
After he had left I texted Helen to put her in the picture, she texted back that she was pleased at my decision and that she would see me before I left for Birmingham.
I went to bed with mixed feelings about what tomorrow might bring but strangely a bit happier that at least a decision had been made.
Tuesday 13th December 2005
I hadn’t thought about the date until I looked at my watch as I put it on, I know for some people that the 13th has an association with bad luck but having been a child born on the 13th I had soon come to appreciate that nice things can happen such as having parties and receiving presents so I was quite relaxed about my move today in the hope that it too could lead to some happiness.
Jim arrived about 11.00am, pretty good for a teenager on a day off and what’s more he had brought some blueberry ice with him so things were already on an up when the consultant arrived.
He confirmed that this was ‘D’ day and that he was arranging for an ambulance to be available for the transfer between 2.00 and 2.30pm and that I would have to go straight away when they arrived so could I please make sure that everything was packed up and ready to go.
I assured him that I would be ready, he replied that he would not be able to see me until tomorrow at Birmingham because of his workload at Hereford today and wished me good luck for the journey.
I started to collect together my wash things and cards and under my direction Jim started to pack everything into a holdall that Helen had put out for him to bring in with him including carrier bags for any clothes that needed washing and then we sat and waited ……. and waited, it seemed like forever.
I was expecting Helen back by about 1.30ish so as time past and it was nearly ten to two I asked Jim to pop out to the car park and see if she was coming, after twenty minutes or so he returned without having had any success and I couldn’t phone her as she did not have hands free kit in the car.
The ambulance crew arrived and asked whether I was ready, I said that the wife had not returned yet and was there any chance that they could hang on a few minutes, they said only a few and took a wander down the corridor.
I asked Jim if he would go to the car park again and if he saw Mum to let her know that she needed to hurry, he returned quite quickly and said that there was still no sign of her and then the ambulance crew came back and said that they couldn’t wait any longer so we would have to get going.
I was surprised to see that they had brought the trolley with them from the back of the ambulance instead of a wheelchair and they said that the choice was made to avoid a transfer at the ambulance, they brought it into the room across the bottom of the bed.
I was dressed in my jumper, polo shirt and joggers and sporting a pair of trainers without socks the NG tube was tucked behind my left ear, they asked me to lay on the trolley and then adjusted some pillows behind my shoulders, wrapped me in a string vest blanket and strapped me in tightly.
The head of the trolley was lifted to about half way and I was allowed to keep my arms free to hold onto the holdall and a spit bowl in case I had a coughing fit caused by the change of air temperature as we went outside, they also placed a lightweight oxygen canister and mask on the foot of the trolley.
As all this was going on Jim anxiously walked up to the corner of the corridor and back to see if Helen was coming but there was still no sign of her.
The ambulance crew apologised but said that they could not wait any longer and that we would have to make a move so this small travelling carnival with Jim following, wheeled it’s way passed the nurses station and out into the main corridor to the lifts.
At ground floor level we detoured via the A&E department and through the doors to the ambulance bay which was adjacent to the car park.
Just as I was about to be loaded into the back of the ambulance I heard a screech of brakes, Helen’s silver Suzuki four by four had come to a shuddering halt as close as she could get within the perimeter of the car park and from around the side of the ambulance I could see her jump out of the car and run in our direction leaving the drivers door wide open.
She shouted in a loud voice for them to wait and Jim asked the ambulance crew if they could hold on as she was my wife, they stopped the trolley and as Helen caught up to the ambulance she asked Jim to go and look after the car.
Looking at me and then at the crew she thanked them for waiting but they said she needed to be quick with her goodbyes as they had to get under way.
Helen was close to tears by now at nearly missing my departure, I held her with my right arm as she struggled to embrace me across the holdall of clothes, the crew said that she was not allowed to come with me in the back of the ambulance so she said that she would follow us to Birmingham.
At first I said to Helen that it would be getting late by the time we got to Birmingham and I was booked in and sorted out so it would probably be better if she visited the hospital tomorrow in the day time but she insisted that she needed to see me safely settled in at Birmingham otherwise she would be too worried to sleep.
So it was quickly agreed she would take Jim home now, get herself something to eat and then use my Volvo saloon to travel the long distance to Birmingham and back at night on the understanding that Jim accompanied her on the journey.
All agreed I kissed her on the forehead and she stood back so that the ambulance crew could finally load me on board and she waved and blew me a kiss as the rear door closed.
Once on board and locked into place one of the crew made themselves busy attaching me to a blood pressure monitor and making me comfortable on the trolley for the journey while the other jumped into the cab and started the engine.
We moved at a slow pace out of th
e car park and into the traffic on the main road leading out of Hereford, from where I was positioned with the back of the trolley raised I was able to see out of the side window of the ambulance.
I could make out retail stores, side roads, pedestrians on the pavements and other vehicles going by and realised that this could well be the last time that I would see such things as this was likely to be the last cognitive road journey I would be making.
The thing about Hereford is that it’s not a big city and it was not long before the view from the window changed from a suburban landscape to rolling countryside and with the afternoon sun behind us I could see things clearly.
I tried to take it all in for one last time and as we turned slightly south over the brow of a hill I could actually see the sun big and round just above the horizon and for a moment I stared straight at it with my eyes wide open almost willing it’s life giving rays to shine in through my eyes down my optic nerves and burn out this thing growing inside me.
The ambulance crested the hill and the sun disappeared from view, I closed my eyes tightly and I could still see two retained images of swirling bright circles in varying shades of green, orange and white just hovering in front of me and I kept them shut until the mirages dissolved into the backs of my eyelids.
The sun started to set and the light gradually faded, the passing scenery became more like shadows than solid things and then the lights inside the ambulance were switched on and suddenly everything outside looked black and in the window all I could see was the reflected mirror image of the interior fittings and the ghostly face of the crew member.
With the darkness came the feeling of being shut in rather than seeing out and so I lay back, the attending crew member asked it I was alright and I nodded, I had already made him aware of my difficulty with speaking and so there was very limited conversation between us.
The journey proceeded at a reasonable pace, the crew chatted to each other and I would occasionally see lights on farm buildings, sometimes street lights at roundabouts or headlights of passing vehicles and then eventually after an hour or so we reached the motorway.
It was now rush hour and the traffic on the motorway was virtually at a standstill with progress at a snails pace.
The darkness made it feel cold so I signalled that I was feeling chilly and the crew member covered me with another blanket, whether it was the dust from unfolding the blanket or some other reason I don’t know but I started to have a coughing fit which brought attentive concern.
My mouth felt very dry and with my tongue wagging around like a dry stick I croaked could I have a drink of water, I was surprised to be told that ambulances did not carry drinking water, the only thing they had on board if I wanted a drink was some small ampoules of sterile eyewash water.
I said that anything would do so he opened a draw and dug out a small plastic vial and broke off the snib and handed it to me, I gently squeezed about half of the water into my mouth being careful not to swallow for fear of another coughing fit.
I let the water sit as a small puddle in the bottom of my mouth and allowed my tongue wallow in it, gradually it seemed to rehydrate and became more pliable while the water dissipated.
I did not use the second half of the water and dropped the vial into the spit bowl on my lap.
Although I couldn’t understand everything that was being said by the crew to each other because of the noise of the engine I could tell from their tone that they were disappointed at the lack of progress, I managed to glean from their conversation that they were due to be going to the [works] Christmas party tonight but with the traffic as it was they were unlikely to get back in time.
The general weakness that I felt from my condition was starting to make the journey very tiring so I asked the attending crew member how much longer it would be before we reached the hospital, he moved forward and asked the driver who shouted over his shoulder that it would be another hour at least possibly an hour and a half with the traffic like this.
I said in a broken whisper it was a pity that we could not switch the blue lights on and get through the traffic, I was told that I would have to have taken a turn for the worse before that would happen.
I said how much worse, they said if my blood pressure fell or I could not maintain my body temperature or I had chest pains or something similar, I croaked that I was starting to feel cold and my throat problem was causing me to cough a lot more and on the plus side if we got to Birmingham quicker it might mean that they would be able get back in time for their Christmas celebrations.
They considered this for a short period and then decision made the driver radioed the dispatch centre saying that in their opinion my condition had deteriorated, he said that I was complaining of being cold and was having coughing fits, I managed to provide a suitably convincing backing track at this point and after a short period of consultation off air, a voice came back over the speaker giving the driver permission to proceed with blues and twos.
I could see the flashing blue lights come on as they were reflected in the side of a large white lorry at the side of us, then as the two tone horns started to wail the traffic moved forward slightly enabling the driver to pull the ambulance into the emergency lane and within a short distance we had taken the slip road off to a roundabout.
Speedy progress was restored once more and I thought that if this was going to be the last journey I would know after all the hundreds of thousands of miles I had driven in my lifetime then it should at least be fun if not enjoyable and even if I was not going to be able to spend Christmas with my family and friends then at least these guys could be at the ‘works’ do with their mates.
And so it was after about half an hour or so we pulled up to the front of the Birmingham hospital and the driver left the cab and went into the main entrance.
From the ambulance window I could see a huge brightly lit glass fronted edifice which formed the first part of the massive rebuilding project for the whole hospital, I had previously seen news footage of the progress of the hospital regeneration on the TV but this was the first time that seen it in the flesh so to speak.
The attending crew member asked me whether I felt with his assistance that I would be able to disembark from the ambulance rather than use the trolley, I confirmed that I was sure that I could and so he took off the top blanket, folded and stowed it and then undid the straps that had been holding me for the past couple of hours or so.
I suddenly had a sense of freedom and although a little wobbly as I stood up I was able to stretch my legs and I felt sure that I could manage the few steps necessary.
The remaining blanket was draped over my shoulders and I sat back on the edge of the trolley and waited for what seemed quite a while.
Eventually there was a knock on the rear door of the ambulance which when opened revealed that the driver had returned with a wheelchair, his colleague asked what had taken so long, he said with a shrug of the shoulders that there had been some confusion at the admissions desk as they were not expecting me.
I had visions of having to go back to Hereford hospital or maybe spend the night in one of the many Portakabins around the site until I was found a bed or be trolley parked in a corridor somewhere but he continued that he had managed to convince the admissions co-ordinator that it must have been a communication glitch between hospital computers and that eventually they had located a bed for me.
Relieved at this news I was assisted to disembark and sit in the wheelchair, the blanket was adjusted around me, my feet placed into the foot plates and my belongings collected together, I looked around before we set off and noted in the bright light that there were other parked ambulances and people moving about outside the hospital and I could see through the glass façade a typically modern interior design.
As we moved off I felt the coldness of the winter wind blowing across the open car park onto my face, hands and exposed ankles so I was quite pleased when the big glass entrance doors hissed open and the warm hospital
air enveloped me.
We arrived at the admissions desk and my now rather large medical file was handed over for checking and then returned, I thought at this stage a hospital porter would come to collect me but the ambulance crew were given directions and we set off through the hospital towards our destination.
At first I was encouraged by the modern facilities but the further we moved away from the entrance area the more we passed through partially refurbished parts of the old building until eventually we entered an enclosed timber walkway which I imagined connected the old to the new.
Once on the other side we came to a set of double doors but instead of heading through them we took a downwards ramp to the right hand side and descended into a very old part of the original building.
We turned a corner and faced into a high ceilinged corridor which on one side had windows with high sills and on the other had a small nurses station with a disabled toilet door adjacent and then there were two possibly three large openings and a part glazed door across the corridor beyond that.
A DEATH TO DIE FOR Page 12