by G. E. Farrow
CHAPTER VII
MORE ADVENTURES
"It's the most contraryish place I've ever seen," declaredOne-and-Nine.
"Yes," agreed the Wallypug. "There was no water in the moat."
"The Drawbridge didn't draw," echoed the Rhymester.
"Ad the beefeaters didn't eat beef," chimed in A. Fish, Esq., whilethe Doctor-in-Law declared that for his part he "considered themorning spent there had been entirely wasted."
They were talking about the Tower of London, and were telling Girlieand Boy, who were spending the afternoon with us, all about theirvisit there on the previous day.
I was sitting in an adjoining room--but the door being open I couldhear all that was said.
"How did you go?" asked Boy.
"Oh!" exclaimed the Wallypug, "in the most extraordinary way you canpossibly imagine. We went into a house in High Street, Kensington, andbought some little tickets, and then we handed them to a man at abarrier, who cut a little piece out of each one as we passed through."
"To rebebber us by," chimed in A. Fish, Esq.
"Yes," continued the Wallypug; "and then we went down two flights ofstairs, and by-and-bye a lot of little houses on wheels came rushinginto the station, and we got into one of them and before you could say'Jack Robinson' we were rushing through a big black tunnel under theground."
"Why, you mean the Underground Railway," declared Girlie.
"Yes," agreed his Majesty. "And the little room we sat in hadbeautiful soft cushions and a big light in the middle of the roof, andlittle texts printed on the wall--"
"Texts!" exclaimed both of the children.
"Texts," repeated the Wallypug. "What were they? Do you remember?" heasked of the others.
"Oh, one was, 'You are requested not to put your feet on thecushions,'" said the Rhymester.
"Oh, yes, and 'To seat five,' and 'Wait till the train stops'--Iremember now," continued the Wallypug. "Well, we kept rushing throughthe tunnel till we came to 'Holman's Mustard,' and a lot of people gotout, and then we went on again till we came to 'Smears' Soap.'"
"HOLMAN'S MUSTARD AGAIN"]
"It wasn't 'Smears' Soap,'" contradicted the Doctor-in-Law. "It wassomebody's Ink."
"Well, there were such a lot of names," declared the Wallypug, "it wasimpossible to really tell which was which. I always took the nameopposite to my window to be the right one. The funniest part of it allwas, we kept coming to 'Holman's Mustard' over and over again. I can'tthink how on earth the people know when to get out."
"Why, those weren't the names of the stations at all," laughed Boy."They were advertisements!"
"Well, where were the names of the stations then?" demanded hisMajesty.
"Why, in big letters on the walls of course," was the reply.
"They couldn't have been much bigger than those of 'Holman'sMustard,'" persisted the Wallypug somewhat ungrammatically.
"Never mind about that; get on with your story," remarked theDoctor-in-Law impatiently.
"Well, after going through a lot of tunnels and stopping ever so manytimes, we got out at one of the stations and went upstairs into thelight again, and almost opposite the station we could see a lot ofgrey stone buildings with towers and battlements."
"I know! You mean the Tower. We've been there," interrupted Girlie.
"Did you see the Lions?" asked the Wallypug eagerly.
"Lions! No!" exclaimed the children. "There weren't any; you didn'tsee any, did you?"
"No, we didn't," admitted the Wallypug, "but the Doctor-in-Law told usthat there were some there."
"I read it in a book," declared the Doctor-in-Law. "But I daresay itwas all a pack of stories, like the rest of the things they said. Lookat the Crown Jewels for instance--bits of glass and rubbish. That'swhy they put them in an iron cage, so you can't get at them to see ifthey are real."
"Oh! I think they _are_ real," said Boy. "The Guide told us that theywere worth ever so many thousands of pounds."
"Yes, he may have _said_ so," remarked the Doctor-in-Law, "but I'll bebound he wouldn't let you take them away and examine them foryourself. I asked them to let me have one or two of the crowns andthings to take home and test, but they positively refused, although Ipromised to return them within a week. They are afraid that we shouldfind out that they are only imitations--that's what's the matter."
"There weren't any kings or queens executed either the day we werethere," he continued, grumbling.
"Well, I'm sure I'm very glad that _that_ fashion has died out,"declared his Majesty. "I don't mind admitting now that I was rathernervous about going at all, for fear that I should have _my_ headchopped off, and I should feel so very awkward without one, you know."
"Pooh! You needn't have been alarmed, for there wasn't a Lord HighExecutioner on the premises, because I asked," declared the Rhymester.
"No, but do you know," said his Majesty, "I've found out since, thathe lives at the bottom of our street, and mends shoes for a living--hedoes a little executing still on the sly, for I have seen his bill inthe window, 'Orders _executed_ with promptness and dispatch.' I askedhim one day what class he executed most, and he said that hisconnection was principally amongst the 'Uppers.' He seems a very kindman though, and not only executes orders, but heals them too, poorsouls! He charges 1s. 3d. for healing. His education has been sorelyneglected, I am afraid, however, for he spells it 'heeling.'"
"Did you see the Armoury at the Tower?" asked Boy.
"Yes, and there was another instance of deception," declared theDoctor-in-Law.
"What do you mean?" asked Boy.
"Well, what is an armoury?" inquired the Doctor-in-Law.
"A place where arms are kept, I suppose," replied Boy.
"Just so, and there wasn't an arm in the place except our own," saidthe Doctor-in-Law wrathfully.
"Why, they call guns and things arms," said Boy, laughing.
"Oh! do they?" remarked the Doctor-in-Law sarcastically. "Why don'tthey call things by their proper names then? they might as well callthem legs, or turnips, or paraffin oil--bah! I've no patience withsuch folly!"
"THEY WENT FOR BY CALVES"]
"I think they bight feed the raveds[1] bedder," complained A. Fish,Esq. "They went for by calves, and if wud of those Beefeatershadn'd cub and driven theb away I shouldn't have had a leg left tostand up od."
[1] He meant the tame ravens which are kept at the Tower.
"Beefeaters, yes!" remarked the Rhymester, "and a pretty lot theywere. I tried several of them with a piece that I had brought with mein a little paper bag, and not one of them would touch it."
"Madame Tussaud's was better; we went there in the afternoon," saidhis Majesty.
"Yes, but who was to know which were wax figures and which were not?"asked the Doctor-in-Law.
"Well, you made a pretty muddle of it anyhow," said the Wallypug. "Doyou know," he went on, "the Doctor-in-Law made us all pay sixpenceeach towards the catalogue, and then went around with us explainingthe various groups. He had just finished telling us that severalladies, who were standing together, were Henry the Eighth's wives,when they all marched off looking highly indignant."
"Well, how was I to know?" remarked the Doctor-in-Law pettishly. "I'dnever met a single one of Henry the Eighth's wives in my life, and howwas I to recognize them?"
"I don't think they would have binded so butch if the Rhymebsterhadn't pinched wud of theb to see if they were alive or dot," remarkedA. Fish, Esq.
"Did you see the Sleeping Beauty?" asked Girlie.
HE COULD GET NO ANSWER]
"Oh, yes! Isn't it cruel to keep her shut up in that case," cried theWallypug. "I'm sure she's alive, for we could see her breathing quitedistinctly. I was so concerned about it that I asked the Doctor-in-Lawto speak to a policeman who was standing near by about it. But hecould get no answer from him, and we found out afterwards that he wasonly a wax figure."
"The best thig of all," remarked A. Fish, Esq., "was whed we allpretended that we--"
> "Dear me, it's very warm!" interrupted the Doctor-in-Law. "Let'schange the subject."
"Pretended that we--" continued A. Fish, Esq.
"Hush--sh--sh--!" cried the Doctor-in-Law in a warning voice.
"The fact of the matter is," explained the Rhymester, "theDoctor-in-Law got us all to pretend that we were wax figuresourselves, and he tied little money boxes in front of us with thewords: 'Put a penny in the slot and the figure will move,' written onthem, and when anyone put a penny in we all moved our heads and rolledour eyes about."
"I didn't!" said the Wallypug.
"No, I know you didn't," replied the Rhymester. "And the Doctor-in-Lawhad to explain that you were out of order, and that's how we werefound out, for the people wanted their money back and he wouldn't giveit to them, so they called the attendant, and we had to go out asquickly as we could."
"Ad wasn't id beade?" said A. Fish, Esq. "There were four shillingsad threepedce id the boxes, ad the Doctor-id-Law wouldn't give us apenny of id."
"Well, I let you pay my fare home. That amounted to the same thing,"replied the little man.
Just then Mrs. Putchy came in with afternoon tea, and I joined myguests in the drawing-room.