by Sarah Bailey
He looked between the two of us as if he couldn’t understand what she was saying. What she was trying to tell him. I hadn’t exactly expected her to admit it to him like that, then again, if she hadn’t Eric might have gone to Quinn. Then things would have gotten out of hand.
“Are you seriously telling me Quinn knows full well what’s happening between the two of you?”
“Yes… is that so hard to believe?”
“Is that why you wanted to know…” he stopped, his face falling and it broke something inside of me. “I can’t deal with this right now.”
All I could see was the horror in his eyes. And heartbreak.
Why? Why is he looking at us like that? It’s not like we’ve done anything wrong, have we?
He walked off and I was about to go after him when Ash stopped me. She looked up at me, her eyes full of unshed tears.
“He needs to process this without us interfering, Xav,” she whispered.
“But—”
“No buts. You already argued with him earlier. Do you think this is going to make it any better?”
“You heard that?”
She nodded, looking as upset as Eric had. I didn’t understand what just happened. How it had all gone to utter shit today. When I’d woken up with her this morning, everything had been wonderful. We’d shared such a fucking amazing night together. Those moments wrapped up with each other in my bed. Just the two of us. How she’d told me she felt more at peace with me by her side than she’d ever done in her life.
“Fuck.”
She tugged on my hand and guided me back to my room, shutting the door behind us. Then she wrapped her arms around me and held me as if I was the one falling apart.
“He shouldn’t have found out that way,” she whispered.
“No… nothing has happened the way it should’ve though, angel.”
“I should’ve said something to him earlier but we just… things got weird between us when I asked him if he liked me. I don’t know what’s happening anymore, Xav. I feel like this is all my fault. I keep causing all these arguments between the four of you because I want more than I should.” That’s when I felt her shaking and tears soaking into my t-shirt. “I’m no good for any of you.”
I pulled her away from my chest and held her tear-stained face in both my hands.
“Hey, none of that. You are good for us. All of us. You might not see it right now, but you’ve brought life back into this household. We’ve been so stuck in this cycle of revenge and plotting how to destroy all the fuckers who’ve wronged us and then you came along and changed everything. You make us better, Ash. You do that. No one else.”
More tears fell down her cheeks.
“How is you being at odds with each other making you better?”
I smiled even though she was crying. She didn’t see it and that was okay.
“You push us to be better versions of ourselves and that can be a hard adjustment to make for anyone. So yes, we’re going to fight just as we always have. The four of us have been through much worse. We will always stick by each other. That’s what family does… and you? You’re going to be a part of our family now so you’ve got to get used to it.”
“How do you always say all the right things?”
My grin got wider and I brushed her tears from her cheeks.
“Because I’m perfect.”
That made her roll her eyes and shove me in the shoulder.
“Shut up.”
“I made you stop crying, didn’t I?”
“I see why Eric says you don’t take anything seriously.”
I let my hands slip from her face and instead I grabbed one of her hands, holding it tightly.
“I’m serious about you and me, angel.”
She squeezed my hand back.
“I know.”
I wanted nothing more than to sweep her up into my arms, carry her over to my bed and hold her until all of this went away, but we had to face reality. I sighed and tugged her over to my desk instead, seating myself at my chair with her in my lap. Tapping on my laptop, I brought up an internet browser and loaded up our banking webpage.
“What are you doing?”
“I need to transfer some money.”
“Why were you so angry when I came in?”
I tapped away on the computer for a minute, logging into the banking website. Not like I had to worry about money ever again with the amount we made. Certainly a change of pace from growing up with nothing.
“My father called me.”
“Oh.”
I sighed as I did the bank transfer. I made sure to give him extra so he wouldn’t have to contact me for a long while. It was better this way. For both of us.
“He’s in prison serving a life sentence with a minimum of thirty-five years, but I doubt he’ll be paroled even so. I don’t talk to him very much.”
“Why did he call?”
I noticed she didn’t ask me what he’d done to deserve a life sentence. There weren’t too many offences for which life was handed down in this country so she could probably guess.
“He needs more money put in his prison account.”
“Why do you do that for him?”
I shrugged.
“Julian is still my father regardless of what he did. You told me you have conflicted feelings towards yours. Well, it’s the same for me. Besides, we’re not strapped for cash these days. Not like when we were growing up.”
“You’ve all mentioned you had a hard life when you were young, but none of you have ever really said why.”
I looked at her. Why had no one told her? It’s not like our upbringing was a secret or anything.
“We grew up on the same council estate in Hackney. All we knew was poverty, violence, gangs and crime. That’s how we survived. Together. Our families all sucked, to be honest, which is why we formed our own. Quinn kept us together. He gave us a roof over our heads after everything fell apart. That’s why even though we fight with each other, we owe him our loyalty and we always will.”
She wrapped her arms around my neck and rested her head on my shoulder.
“I’m sorry.”
“No need to be, angel. It is what it is.”
That part of our lives was over. Life went on. I preferred to focus on the present rather than the past.
“I don’t want Eric to be mad at us,” she whispered.
I kissed the top of her head and cuddled her close, stroking her hair.
“I know, angel. Me either.”
Eric and I had fought on numerous occasions, but he’d never looked at me like I broke him before. So right now, I had no idea if I could repair the rift between us. And that broke me inside too.
Chapter 17
If there was ever a time in my life where I couldn’t deal with the emotions coursing through my system at an alarming rate, it was now. My chest ached. My heart burnt. I tried to breathe and felt as though I was hyperventilating. Nothing felt real. Everything was a mess. And I was in the middle of a nightmare I couldn’t get out of.
I found myself in Rory’s conservatory two minutes later, almost doubled over as I panted, my hands on my knees and tried desperately to suck in air.
“E… are you okay?”
I couldn’t even answer him. It was an effort to hold myself up. What was happening to me? My heart raced in my chest, pounding in my ears like a drum over and over. How on earth had my life become so… fucked?
I felt an arm come around my waist and my arm hooked over a shoulder. Rory carefully led me over to one of the armchairs and made me sit down. He’d always been averse to human contact, but that didn’t always apply to me, Xav and Quinn. He sat down in the chair opposite, concern on his features.
I leant back and closed my eyes, putting a hand on my chest. My heart was still intact. Nothing was exploding. I felt hot and cold at the same time. I took several deep breaths, trying to regain my equilibrium. Whe
n I opened my eyes, Rory was still sat staring at me, waiting for me to say something.
“Did you know they’re sharing her?”
His lip twitched.
“I suspected.”
“I caught Xav and her kissing and it was… I… she told me she asked them for this, that she wanted it… I don’t understand. How can either of them be okay with… This is Xav and Quinn, they are always at odds… I don’t…”
Rory’s eyes clouded over. I wasn’t making much sense. I could barely string a sentence together in my own head let alone out loud.
“Just take deep breaths.”
I put my head between my legs and did as he said, breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth over and over until the tension in my body started to ease. Sitting upright again, I rubbed my face, wondering what the hell had become of us since she entered our lives.
“I don’t understand anything any longer.”
Rory gave me a rueful smile.
“She has that way about her… bulldozing over everything not because she wants to ruin lives, but that’s just who she is. She can’t help it. And nor can they. She draws people in like a moth to a flame. That’s why, E… they want her so much they’re willing to do whatever it takes to have her.”
“Even Quinn?”
He shrugged and put out a hand.
“It’s called falling in love. Perhaps you’ve heard of it.”
I pursed my lips. Yeah, I’d heard of it all right. I felt it every day of my life when I looked at my best friend. Love hurt like a bitch.
“Fuck love.”
“This is why I said you should tell him. But I suppose now you have even less intention of doing so.”
There was no fucking way I was telling Xav how I felt. Not when it was clear he’d become completely enamoured with her. Who was I to get in the way of his happiness?
So why did it hurt so fucking much seeing them together?
Because you want them both. You want him and you want her, yet they’re together and you’re left alone.
“He’s never going to feel the same way as me. How can he? I’m his best friend… I don’t think he can ever see me differently.”
I’d resigned myself to that fact long ago, it’s only now I truly understood what that meant. A lifetime of pain and misery compounded by the fact that he had her. The only other person who could remotely rival my feelings for him. God, I was such a mess. How did I even get to this point? I should never have allowed myself to admit I felt something for her. Never got into a situation where I’d had to touch her and know what that felt like. And I wasn’t going to tell anyone else how I felt about her. No one could know. Least of all Xav and Ash themselves.
“You don’t know that.”
“I know Xav better than I know myself.”
He sighed and leant back in his chair.
“Second-guessing people is never a good idea. You, of all people, should know this.”
“It’s not second-guessing when I know how he’ll react.”
“I think you’re scared of what it will mean if you let go of this secret you’ve been keeping your entire lives and you let that fear dictate everything between the two of you.”
I wanted to retort that was the pot calling the kettle black considering he was too scared to let people touch him, but I didn’t because it wasn’t fair. Rory didn’t deserve that when he was trying to help me.
“Of course I’m scared. I don’t want to lose him.”
“And what if he opens his eyes and sees you, hmm? I mean really sees you as someone he can love as more than just a friend. Then what? Isn’t that what you want?”
“That won’t happen.”
He looked away and rubbed his hand across his leg as if agitated by this conversation. I was fucking agitated by it. I didn’t like talking about my feelings towards Xav. I’d never really voiced them out loud. Never.
“You’re so sure of the outcome you’re not willing to take that risk. I can’t help you with that, E. I can only tell you I think Xav will surprise you.”
I almost scoffed.
“I’ve kept the biggest secret of our lives from him for twenty-five years. Do you think he’s going to take kindly to that?”
Rory looked at me again, his eyes full of sympathy this time.
“No… but he’ll forgive you because he can’t live without you. You just can’t see he’s as attached to you as you are to him.”
I looked down at my hands. Would he really forgive me? Could he see past it and understand why I never said anything? Could he?
“I want you to do something for me, E.”
I kept my eyes fixed on my hands in my lap.
“What?”
“Admit the truth out loud. It doesn’t have to be to me but say the words out loud.”
“Why would I do that?”
He didn’t speak for a long moment and I was beginning to think he didn’t have an answer for me.
“Sometimes acceptance can only come from being true to yourself.”
At first, I wanted to tell him to shut up with his cryptic nonsense. Saying it out loud wouldn’t change anything. It wouldn’t take back all these years of torment. All these years of longing. It wouldn’t change a damn thing.
I stood up and looked over at Rory.
“Thanks for the pep talk.”
He gave me a sad smile.
“Anytime.”
I walked out, wanting to be alone so I could lick my wounds. The festering ones from him that had always been there and the new ones she’d given me. I shut myself in my room and paced the floor. I wanted to hate what Rory had said to me, but I couldn’t. I knew he was right. I didn’t know how Xav would react. I had no idea. That’s why I was so damn scared, terrified even. I couldn’t lose him and now I felt like I was going to even though he didn’t know the truth. If I lost him to her… I didn’t know what I would do.
Stopping in front of the mirror hanging above my chest of drawers, I stared at myself. Stared at the person I’d become. This mess which I had no idea how to fix. This awfulness I didn’t know how to repair. I was a problem I didn’t know how to mend.
“What are you doing?”
Of course, there was no reply. Just me. Sad as ever staring at myself like I was a fucking idiot.
“What if Rory is right? What if I just need to say it? Will I feel better? Admitting it seems so stupid.”
And yet on some level, it didn’t seem stupid at all.
I blinked then eyed myself again.
“I love you, Xavier Scott. I’ve always loved you. I’ll never stop loving you until the day I take my last breath.”
It took a moment before the crushing weight of it all fell down on me. And a single tear rolled down my cheek.
“I love you, Xavi… Why can’t you love me back?”
Chapter 18
I swear to god I was going to toss my phone out the window if this bitch didn’t stop calling me. Hadn’t she caused enough problems already? I was so fucking done. I was about to answer to tell her to get lost when Rory slinked in, his brow furrowed.
“We need to talk.”
I turned my phone over and willed it to stop ringing. Probably good he’d interrupted me before I said or did something stupid.
“About?”
“Eric.”
I eyed him warily. What shit had befallen our friend this time?
“And Xav.”
I almost rolled my eyes. So it was this all over again. I swear to god that shit should’ve been solved years ago.
“I told you they need to sort their own shit out, we don’t need to get in the middle of it.”
“And Ash.”
That made me freeze. What about my little girl?
“What about Ash?”
He gave me one of his signature looks and I did roll my eyes then.
“I’m not in the fucking mood for your cryptic shit righ
t now, Rory.”
He came closer and sat down across from me.
“Have you not noticed the tense atmosphere in the house for the past four days?”
Quite honestly, I hadn’t been paying much attention to anything outside of the shitshow I was dealing with. Having orchestrated the whole deal with the fall of Russo’s stocks, I’d been pulling us out of a hole so we didn’t get found out. Covering all our tracks so none of it led back to the four of us took time and effort as well as constant calls to Geoff. I didn’t have time to deal with anything else. Especially not petty squabbles between my friends.
“No, why?”
“Ash didn’t tell you what happened?”
I sat up straighter. What had she kept from me? Then again the two nights she’d slept in my bed rather than Xav’s, I’d come up late and curled myself around her warm body when she’d been asleep. She’d woken up on the second night, buried her face in my chest, told me how much she missed me and drifted off again. I didn’t need to fuck her, although it would have helped me unwind, I just liked having her there. Her scent all over my sheets. I slept better when she was with me.
“I’ve been preoccupied dealing with this investment shit.”
“Eric knows you and Xav are sharing her.”
I hadn’t been expecting that to be the situation Rory was so concerned about. I could see in his eyes he didn’t exactly approve of what was going on, but then again, he hadn’t approved of me touching Ash in the first place. Little did he know Ash wanted to involve both him and Eric in our arrangement. Whatever the fuck this arrangement was. I was slowly getting used to the whole Xav sleeping with the same girl I was thing. I think it helped me knowing and trusting him not to hurt her. Xav was gentle with Ash in a way I couldn’t always be. And she needed that gentleness after she’d been left in the dark for so long by her own family and that cunt, Nate.
“Well, it sure as shit doesn’t surprise me you know considering nothing gets by you, but care to explain how E found out?”
“I only suspected until E told me for certain when he caught Xav and Ash kissing. I don’t know the details, but I’m assuming they told him the truth and obviously, he isn’t too happy given how he feels about Xav. So whilst you’ve had your head buried in this shit… here’s me dealing with Xav and Eric not talking, Ash and Eric not talking and far too many awkward as fuck meals between us.”