by Sarah Bailey
“Can we talk?” I whispered in a shaky voice that wasn’t quite my own.
After a moment, he stepped back as if inviting me in. And all my breath came out in a whoosh, sudden hesitation gripping me because I had absolutely no clue what I was doing here or what I would even say.
Clever, Ash, real clever.
Chapter 21
Why she was here, I couldn’t guess but a part of me couldn’t shut the door in her face even though I was confused and hurting over her and Xav. So when she didn’t immediately walk in after I stepped back, I couldn’t help wanting to reach out and pull her in. Pull her to me. Ask her what was so important she had to come talk to me at almost gone midnight.
“Ash?”
“Sorry,” she mumbled and turned to leave.
Acting on instinct I reached out and held her arm, stopping her from disappearing. The heat of her skin seared into mine making me regret my hasty decision.
“What is it? Is something wrong?”
Her shoulders deflated and she looked like she might burst into tears.
“I’m really sorry,” she whispered. “I’m just really, really sorry.”
“For what?”
Her blue eyes met mine.
“For being here and causing all this trouble between you and Xav and everyone else.”
I leant forward and scanned the hallway finding it empty except for Ash before tugging her inside my room and shutting the door. This conversation did not need an audience.
“I’m not upset with you, Ash.”
“You stopped talking to me completely, I hardly call that not being upset.”
Okay, so she had a point there. I didn’t know what to make of my emotions when it came to her. And why the hell hadn’t I let her go? My hand was still curled around her forearm.
“I know… I didn’t mean to let this go on for so long.”
Her eyes roamed across me and I realised I wasn’t exactly dressed for company. That’s the thing about living with guys for so long, you tend to forget about putting a shirt on to answer the door. I’d been about to go to bed.
“So can we put what happened behind us?”
Could I? She wasn’t here asking me to mend fences with Xav and right now, I didn’t think I was quite ready to. But with her? My instinct to keep her safe and happy kicked in.
“Yes.”
She visibly looked relieved as her lips curved up at the sides.
“Did you arrive outside my door just to apologise to me in the middle of the night?”
Her cheeks blossomed red reminding me of the way her face and chest flamed when she came.
What the fuck? Stop it.
“No… I was with Quinn but I couldn’t sleep.”
“Does he know you’re here?”
She shook her head.
“He told me to go to sleep as he’s taking me to the casino tomorrow so I couldn’t talk to him about all the shit running through my head.”
I chewed my bottom lip.
“And you didn’t go to Xav because…?”
She looked at her feet.
“It’s not his night with me and… I can’t talk to him about this either.”
As if I was going to kick her out now when she looked so lost. Gently I tugged on her arm and encouraged her over to my bed trying not to think about last time she’d been in it. I sat her down at the end and took a seat next to her.
“What’s going on?”
“I’m conflicted… I know Quinn wants to destroy Papa and it doesn’t sit well with me but I have all these feelings for him which makes it very hard to know what’s real or not.”
“What do you mean what’s real or not?”
She looked up at me.
“Is it possible to love more than one person at the same time with the exact same level of intensity?”
“I don’t know.”
I knew what it was like to love one person and still want another with the same intensity. A confusing mess of emotions bubbled up inside me, threatening to spill out.
“I think I love Quinn, but then, as you know, I have a relationship with Xav too. It’s not just a bit of fun either or an experiment. I have feelings for him, we have a connection I haven’t shared with anyone else but it’s different to my relationship with Quinn. It doesn’t help that we’ve all slept together either. The lines feel all blurred now.”
My mouth went dry. When she said slept together did she mean sleep or sleep?
“You’re probably asking the wrong person about this, I’ve never had a polyamorous relationship. I will say that you can love more than one person but that love will be different since we’re all unique and you shouldn’t feel guilty for it.”
She looked thoughtful for a moment.
“You’re right… I hadn’t thought of it like that. This is all new to me. I don’t feel like I’m navigating it very well. Then again, it’s new to them too.”
“What’s really worrying you, Ash?”
Her hands shook in her lap. I placed one of my own over them to reassure her I was here to listen.
“If I tell one of them I love them but not the other it’ll create conflict when we’re still working out all the rules to a game none of us knows how to play.”
I wanted to help her even though I didn’t really know how. This was so far out of my comfort zone. Talking about her relationship with my best friends. Yeah, that wasn’t something I ever expected. Then again this was Ash and I was beginning to realise I’d do just about anything to not have to see her distressed ever again.
“Do the three of you share stuff like that?”
“We’re pretty open about things… I mean, you kind of have to be.” Her cheeks bloomed red again. “Especially when we’ve all been so intimate with each other.”
My curiosity about what the hell that meant got the better of me.
“So what, you’ve all had sex with each other?”
She glanced up as her blush spread down her throat.
“Not exactly… Oh god, this is embarrassing. I can’t tell you that.”
“You don’t have to.”
Forcing her into admitting something she didn’t want to wasn’t my style.
“Xav and Quinn don’t touch each other for obvious reasons, but when it comes to me… all bets are off.”
Even the thought of it made me uncomfortably aware of how much I wanted her. Flashes of her being spread wide by both of them had me shifting on the bed a little, my hand tightening around hers.
She hid her face behind her hair.
“Sorry, probably TMI.”
“No, it’s okay. I didn’t expect… I don’t know what I expected… You mentioned something about there being rules?”
She fidgeted a little and I wondered if talking about this with me made her uncomfortable. Hell, I didn’t know why I was even entertaining this conversation at all. I just wanted to be there for Ash even if discussing two of my best friends sleeping with her was a little odd.
“We have a few.”
“Like what?”
“Well the last time we all slept together, we talked about where we go from there. We’re exclusive to each other, so they won’t sleep with other people and neither will I without prior consent. I sleep in their beds on alternate nights, but I can sleep on my own too and they can’t question it. Oh, and we have to be open and honest with each other about anything that has the potential to affect our relationship.”
She bit her lip and looked up at me with an expression I couldn’t read.
“But like I said, we’re making this up as we go…”
“So what, if they’re okay with it, you’re allowed to sleep with someone else?”
She shrugged and looked away again.
“Yes.”
I don’t know why I asked that. Perhaps a part of me wanted to know if this was just something between the three of them or maybe she wanted more than Xav and Quin
n. I had no fucking clue because she wasn’t looking at me any longer.
“Going back to your original concern, you think by telling Quinn you love him that it will upset Xav?”
My heart tightened asking that, but this wasn’t about my feelings. I was already in turmoil so who gave a shit if more was added on top of that.
“Yes and no. He doesn’t get jealous, in fact, out of the three of us, he’s the one who’s the most okay with the whole thing, but you’d probably know that.”
I almost smiled. Xav was pretty open-minded. That’s one of the things I loved about him. Which is why it was so stupid of me to have hidden the truth from him all this time. Still, now we weren’t even talking and I didn’t know how to make it better without revealing it. Without telling him I loved him and that’s the reason I got so… upset.
“Is that really the reason you don’t want to admit the truth to Quinn?”
She shook her head as her hair fell across her face again.
“How do I know if he can love me back after I asked him to share me with other people?”
Other people. Okay, now I am sure she wants more than just the two of them, but who else does she want? Who else does she have feelings for? And why does she seem to be skating around the subject so much?
I let go of her hands and scrubbed a hand across my face.
“You want my honest opinion?”
“Of course.”
“Quinn is already in love with you which is why he even agreed to your… proposition in the first place. He’s never gone so far to make a woman happy before in his life. So… in my humble opinion, I don’t think you have to worry about that.”
Even though I thought Xav was pulling my leg, the more I saw Quinn with Ash, the surer I became that he’d actually been telling the truth. Quinn was different with her. Even if he’d pissed me right off by trying to include me in his BDSM shit, he still treated Ash with far more respect and courtesy than he’d ever done with his subs. At least after he’d decided he wanted to fuck her more than he wanted to chain her up in the cell.
She was quiet for a long time as if processing my words. I wondered if I should’ve even told her that or not. I wanted to reassure her that she didn’t have to worry or be scared if she wanted to tell him how she felt.
“Eric…”
“Hmm?”
“I don’t want to go back to his room, but I don’t want to be alone either.”
“You can stay here if you want.”
What the fuck? Why did you just offer her that? Are you crazy?
I must be crazy or certifiable right now because that wasn’t what I’d meant to say at all. It just came out before I had time to even think about a response.
She peered out from behind her hair.
“Only if that’s okay.”
“I wouldn’t have offered if it wasn’t. Your… boyfriends aren’t going to get annoyed about you sleeping in another man’s bed though, are they?”
But it isn’t okay. How are you going to sleep with her right next to you in your fucking bed? Did you even think about that?
“Boyfriends? They’re not my…” Her eyes met mine and she saw me grinning. “Okay, I suppose they are. And no, I don’t think they will.”
I got up and switched on the bedside lamp before turning off the main one, then I pulled back the covers for her. She crawled into my bed and I settled them over her. I went into my bathroom to finish brushing my teeth and wondered why Quinn and Xav wouldn’t care about her spending the night with me. Had she told them what happened between us? Maybe she had considering she’d said they had to be open and honest about things that might affect their relationship. If she had, then why hadn’t they come after me for it?
I had too many questions and I wasn’t sure if I should ask her about it. Would opening up a can of worms like that be worth it?
Shaking myself, I turned out the bathroom light and went back into my room. I climbed into bed next to her and leant over, flipping off the light. I could hear her breathing, feel her body heat and it lured me in, encouraging me closer.
What are you doing?
I reached out and stroked my fingers down her arm.
“Night Ash.”
The urge to touch her further drove through me. Her skin was so warm. Tempting me. I heard her swallow and then her body shifted closer to me.
“Night,” she whispered although her voice shook.
As if a cord wrapped around the both of us and pulled tight, I edged towards her until we met in the middle of the bed, both laying on our sides staring at each other in the dark.
“Thank you for letting me talk… and letting me stay.”
“You’re welcome.”
My awareness of her increased with every passing moment. My lungs burned with the effort of trying not to allow my breathing to become erratic. Her closeness affected every single one of my senses.
The cord rippled. I don’t know who moved first. Perhaps it was her. Perhaps it was me. Perhaps it was both of us at the same time. But she was pressed against my chest, her face buried in my neck and I was cradling her in my arms. Both of us let out a breath as if the relief of not holding back finally settled between us.
I breathed her in, soaking in the feeling of her body against mine. And even as my heart slammed against my ribcage over and over, the peace washing over me made me close my eyes. I made no move to do anything further and neither did she. This was enough. This was everything.
“Don’t let go,” she murmured against my skin.
“I won’t… I promise.”
And with that, I drifted off with ease for the first time since I saw her kissing Xav, soothed by her warm body pressed against mine.
Chapter 22
Something felt off when I woke up. I opened my eyes, blinking as the room came into focus and reached out for the warm body that should’ve been sleeping beside me. Instead, I was met with cold sheets. Sitting up, I found the bed empty. I tried not to let panic grip me. Ash wouldn’t have run away from us. I knew that deep down but I couldn’t help feeling a little confused as to why she wasn’t here.
I jumped out of bed, stretching before making it since I was a little anal about order in my room. Ash knew that, so always made the bed if she got up after me. Some mornings I stayed in bed later just to watch her sleeping, her blonde hair fanning out over the pillows. My little girl looked so innocent when she was at peace, her blonde eyelashes fluttering over her cheeks.
I shook myself and walked out of my room in my boxers, not even bothering with putting a t-shirt on. The need to know where she was outweighed anything else. Was she okay? Why did she leave?
My first port of call was Xav. I knocked on his door and waited. Barging into his room is something I might have done in the past, but these days, I was trying to be a little more respectful. He pulled the door open, bleary-eyed and running a hand across his face.
“To what do I owe this pleasure?” His eyes raked across me. “Why the fuck aren’t you dressed?”
“Is Ash with you?”
His face fell into a frown.
“No, it was your night with her.”
“Well, it seems she disappeared after I fell asleep.”
He opened his mouth and then closed it.
“She ain’t here, man. You checked the guest room?”
I shook my head and turned away, walking down the hall a little and opening the door to it. The bed was made and there was no sign of her. When I walked back out, Xav was leaning up against his doorframe.
“You think she left the house?”
I shook my head, walking back towards him. Ash wouldn’t do something like that. In my heart, I knew that so I didn’t want to consider the option.
“She wouldn’t have gone back to the cell… and she most definitely wouldn’t have disturbed Rory since she knows better than that.”
It left me with only one logical conclusion. Xav’s eyeb
rows shot up.
“You don’t think she’s with E?”
I cocked my head to the side.
“She has to be.”
“He’s still not talking to either of us.”
“Perhaps our girl wanted to make amends.”
She carried around the weight of the discord between her, Xav and Eric like a black cloud hanging over her head. My little girl had a soft heart underneath that almost hardened exterior she sometimes liked to wear. When you had a father like Frank Russo, it was the only way to survive.
“I should go check.”
I put a hand up.
“Stay here, at least E is talking to me. You do realise you need to fix this, right? I’m a little fed up of the sullen looks you keep throwing at each other.”
“I don’t know what to say to him. It’s like I kicked a fucking puppy whenever he glances my way. What do I even apologise for? It’s not like I did anything other than like a girl.”
I shook my head. This was about a little more than just liking a girl. The way Xav looked at Ash proved just how far he’d fallen for her. Besides, he was still too blind to see the real reason Eric was upset. Watching the person you’d been in love with for god knows how many years fall in love with someone else, I dreaded to think how that might feel.
“Perhaps if you actually asked him, then you might have a better clue.”
I slapped his shoulder and walked away. I heard his grunt before his door closed. He knew I was right.
I approached Eric’s door and wondered what I might find inside. Our agreement gave her permission to include Eric and Rory in our arrangement as and when she decided to tell them how she felt. I respected her caution in this matter given everything with Rory was complicated and I still worried about the both of them. Then her and Xav falling out with Eric didn’t help matters either.
Raising my hand, I knocked before leaning up against the frame and waited. There was silence beyond for at least a minute before I heard the shuffle of feet. The door opened a crack and green eyes peered out at me.