by Sarah Bailey
“And Eric, what happened there?”
She rubbed her face, dragging her hand across her cheek as if she wanted to tear her own skin off.
“I wanted to tell him how I felt but then when he and Xav made up, I just saw it. The look in his eyes and when I talked to him alone, he only confirmed the truth. Now I have to keep a secret from Xav and it hurts so fucking much. I feel like my heart just got stamped on. I don’t care if he loves Xav… if Xav wanted that, then they’d have my blessing. I’d never stand in the way of Xav’s happiness, but my god does it fucking hurt.”
“Why does it hurt?”
She said she wanted Eric. In fact, she said she wanted all of us, something I was still reeling over, but couldn’t bring myself to question her about.
“I thought… I thought he wanted me.”
“E?”
“Yes. He keeps looking at me as though he does but I don’t know what to think any longer. It’s like I don’t believe my own instincts since the rug got pulled out from underneath me.”
I wanted desperately to reach out and touch her. To reassure her. My own fears about hurting her kept me from doing so. Kept me from giving in to my desire for her.
“You have feelings for more than one person. Don’t you think he could too?”
Her hand jerked in her lap.
“I… I hadn’t considered the possibility.”
“Little star… look at me.”
Her head raised and her crystal blue eyes met mine. I couldn’t help it. The confusion and sadness in her eyes ripped into me. It had me out of my chair and sitting on the coffee table in front of her, reaching out and holding her cheek like I had done before when she’d pushed me too hard. She let out a shuddering breath.
“Ror…”
I leant forward and pressed my forehead to hers. Her skin was so soft. And it was almost too much for me, but I didn’t retreat. I stayed. I stayed because I knew she needed me and I was done fucking denying I didn’t need her.
“You are beautiful,” I whispered. “So beautiful. So precious. So fucking pure. If he can’t see that, then he doesn’t deserve you. Do you understand me? Anyone who can’t see how perfect you are doesn’t deserve a thing from you.”
Fuck, I wanted to close the distance between us so badly. The urge to have her against me. Her body flush with mine. It grew and grew until it was almost impossible not to grab her and pull her into me. Yet I was too fucking scared of what it’d trigger inside me. Too scared to give in.
“Are you feeling better having talked about all of this?”
She nodded even as her cheeks flushed red.
“Did you mean what you said, little star? Do… do you want me?”
I had to hear the words. I had to have her confirm it to my goddamn fucking face.
Her eyes searched mine as if trying to work out what would happen if she confessed the truth. As if wondering what I’d do.
“Yes, Ror. I want you… but I know you’re not ready and that’s okay. I’d wait forever for you.”
Her words cut through all my fucking bullshit. She’d wait forever. And I knew she was serious because of the damn look in her eyes.
“I don’t care that I’d have to share you. That’s irrelevant. I’d do anything to be by your side.” Her bottom lip trembled at my admission. “But I can’t do this, little star. I can’t. I can’t hurt you and I will. I’ll hurt you so badly. All your pureness, your perfection, I’ll just ruin it. You called me sweet and kind, but I’m neither of those things. I only treat you with care because I can’t bring myself to touch you in the ways I crave. I don’t want you to see what’s inside. I don’t want you to see those parts of me which are ugly and broken beyond repair. I can’t let you see who I really am.”
Ash’s eyes darkened and she shifted.
“What do you want to do to me?”
My hand around her face tightened. It’s like she hadn’t even listened to a word I’d said, just latched on to the part she wanted to hear.
Don’t push me. Please don’t fucking push me. I’m hanging on by a thread.
“Ash… don’t.”
“Tell me. Just tell me and put me out of my misery, please.”
“No, I ca—”
She cut me off by pressing her mouth against mine. Stealing every word I had. Stealing my breath. Stealing my rapidly spiralling sanity right out from underneath me.
Her lips were so fucking soft and warm. And I didn’t have it in me not to react. Not to respond. My hand slipped from her face and dug into her hair, holding her to me like my fucking life depended on it. Her lips moved against mine, tentatively at first and then the desperation kicked in. The need. The damn fucking desire.
Instead of doing what I should have done which was pull away and run, I kissed her like I was fucking drowning. It was lips, tongues and teeth almost clashing together, the urgency making both of us drunk off lust and clumsy in our attempts to be closer. Ash didn’t try to put her hands on me. That was the only reason I got lost in her completely for all of those few minutes in which time stopped and it was nothing but me and her. And hell did she taste sweet like honey and wine. She tasted like my own fucking version of a wet dream. She was everything and more. I was utterly helpless and at her mercy, her mouth intoxicating me, setting a fire in my veins, drawing out all my urges and feelings I’d kept locked up so tight.
Mine. You’re mine. Mine. God, you’re fucking mine.
Then sanity kicked in. Sanity I thought I’d lost along the way. I ripped myself away from her, almost falling backwards over the coffee table. I scrambled up and put as much distance between us as I could. The beast was fucking alive and free. I couldn’t restrain it any longer and I had to. I fucking had to for her sake.
“Ror?”
“No! No, don’t fucking speak. You should not have done that. You… you need to leave, Ash, right fucking now. Just go. Go before I do something I regret. Go before I fucking hurt you.”
Her blue eyes were wide. Her lips were swollen and her face flushed. All of it made me want things I couldn’t have. God, why did she fucking kiss me? Why did I let her? Why did I give in?
Fuck. I’ve fucked up so badly. We’ve fucked up.
Why wasn’t she moving? She had to go. Had to. I needed to be as far away from her as possible.
“I said go.” My voice cracked. “Please, little star, I’m begging you. Go.”
She rose from the chair. An air of utter despair settled over her and I knew I’d done that. I’d made everything so much worse. She’d come in here to calm down and all I’d done was fuck it up for her. It’s like I’d told myself a hundred times, she didn’t need me. Didn’t need my shit on her plate on top of everything else.
“I’m sorry, Ror,” she whispered and then she walked out.
Those three words ripped my heart into shreds. The brokenness in her voice. The regret. The shame. God, I shouldn’t have made her feel that way. I should never ever have allowed us to get into this position where I had to hurt her to make her see I was no good for her.
You fucking idiot. You’re worthless, you know that? You ruin everything. You destroy all the good in your life.
I had to sit down and take several deep breaths, trying to silence those voices in my head, but they wouldn’t leave me. They kept taunting me with the truth.
I wasn’t good for anyone.
Especially not my little star who deserved everything.
And me?
I deserved nothing at all.
Chapter 30
I stood in the hallway, pressed up against the wall with my fingers on my lips as if I could still feel him there. As if the life-altering kiss I’d just experienced was still happening. The way he’d attacked my mouth, drawing out every single emotion from me. His touch seared into my skin, making me drunk with desire. And by fuck did I want more. I wanted so much more.
Despite all of that, I knew I’d pushed him too far. I�
��d forced him to give in and that was unforgivable. How could I have been so stupid? I blamed the day for taking such an emotional toll on me I no longer had the ability to think straight. To see clearly. I’d wrecked all my hard-earned progress with Rory with one single kiss. One fucked up moment where I’d lost all control and did something I knew I couldn’t take back.
I didn’t really want to take it back if I was honest with myself. Everything about it had been perfect. Only the aftermath had cut me to pieces. The horror on his face as if he couldn’t believe he’d lost control with me like that.
I couldn’t deal with this. I couldn’t stand here and wish things were different. The events of today were enough. They’d wrecked me and I couldn’t honestly say I was able to cope with any more pain.
Determined not to be selfish any longer. Determined not to break down. Determined just to forget. I walked upstairs and along the hallway, opening a closed door and shutting it behind me. The room was dark as dusk had fallen, but I could see the outline of him on the bed. I could hear his steady breathing. So I tore off all of my clothes and crawled into bed next to him, pushed myself under his arm and curled myself around his warm body. He shifted, wrapping his arms around me.
“Angel.”
“I’m sorry I took so long. I just… needed a minute to myself.”
“Don’t be sorry, I crawled into bed and fell asleep as soon as I got in here.”
I kissed his chest, my fingers trailing along his side. I wanted so badly to get lost in him. For us to get lost in each other.
“Are you okay, tesoro?”
“No.”
“Neither am I.”
His hand tucked under my chin and he leant down, claiming my mouth. I didn’t protest. I kissed him back, pouring out all my anxiety, pain and hurt at the events of today and he gave me his too. Two souls drowning in agony.
“Angel,” he breathed against my lips. “Angel, I need you.”
“I need you too.”
His hands were on my body, touching everywhere he could reach. His touch wasn’t gentle, it was rough and raw. He pinched my nipple between two fingers, making me cry out at the sharp sting. Xav flipped me on my back, devouring my mouth as he pinned my hands above my head with one of his.
“Going to fuck you so hard. Going to make you fucking scream.”
“Do it. Fuck me.”
His other hand made its way down my stomach and between my legs. He stroked me as he dragged his teeth down my neck. Then he bit me. I bucked and moaned as he sucked away the sting.
“I want you to make it hurt.”
He didn’t even pause as he bit down on my neck again, his teeth digging into my skin and making me crazy.
“Give me your pain, please, give me your fucking pain, Xavier.”
Xav’s hand around mine tightened. I had no idea what I was saying, only that I needed to feel this connection deepen and every passing moment made me want him more. Want the delirious pleasure and pain he would give me. So I could forget about my own damn whirling mind for one fucking second. And in turn, he could lose himself in me too.
He roughly slammed three fingers inside me, making me buck and whimper.
“You want it to hurt, angel?”
“Yes, please, please.”
“Good, I want it to hurt too.”
He didn’t let up. The thrust of his fingers was almost violent and he bit down on one of my nipples. I couldn’t do anything but give in, let him take me under. I moaned and cried out his name over and over.
Then he pulled away all of a sudden. His hands went to my waist and he flipped me over on my back before pressing himself against me, holding me down. His teeth grazed over my earlobe and I whimpered.
“You’re so fucking wet for me, angel, but I don’t want to fuck you in your tight little pussy. No, I’m going to split you in fucking two.”
I trembled, feeling him pull away and grab something from the drawer of the bedside table. He shoved my hands above my head and held them there.
“Stay.”
He let go and I heard the pop of a cap. My legs were spread wider and he stuffed a pillow under my hips, giving him a better angle on me. Then his slick fingers were between my cheeks, stroking and coaxing me.
“I won’t be fucking gentle, angel. I can’t. I need this. I need you to take it. Take everything. You want my pain? You can fucking have it.”
I pushed back against him, not caring any longer. His words only spurred me on. Made me want it all.
“Give it to me. Hurt me.”
Despite his threat, he only pushed one finger inside my tight hole. I tried not to tense up knowing how good this could feel, but I’d only ever done it with Quinn. The way Xav was feeling right now, I knew he wouldn’t hold back. Except I wanted to feel the sharp edge of pain that would come with the pleasure. I needed it.
He leant over me as he worked a further finger inside me, stretching me with each thrust. Lips trailed up my shoulder followed by teeth grazing my skin.
“Jesus, angel, so tight.”
“Fuck me. Just fuck me, please, Xav. I need it. I don’t care if it hurts. I need to feel you inside me.”
He didn’t hesitate, pulling his fingers from me and sitting up on his knees. I looked back at him over my shoulder, watching him coat his cock in lube. This would hurt, but every part of me was burning up with need. The need for him. For this. For us.
His hand pressed against my lower back.
“Spread yourself for me. Show me where you want my cock.”
I reached around and did as he asked. Too far gone to even care what I looked like. He pressed the head of his cock against me. I fought not to tense up. I fought to stay relaxed and in the moment. I cried out when his cock slid inside me, the sharp burning sensation overtaking everything. Xav didn’t let up. He didn’t let me relax or adjust to the intrusion. The deeper he pressed, the harder it got for me to breathe, but I didn’t say stop. I didn’t let go.
“Angel, fuck, angel,” he growled.
“More, more, please. Fuck me, Xavier. Please.”
He pulled back a little and thrust in again. With each stroke, he went deeper and I pressed back. The pain lessened and morphed into pleasure. Being with him like this made the rest of the bullshit from today disappear. All I could hear was our harsh, laboured breaths and our skin slapping together when he bottomed out.
He knocked my hands from my cheeks and gripped my hips, pulling me back up on my knees. His hands dug into my skin as he proceeded to fuck me harder, taking out all of his anger and pain, giving it to me just like I’d asked for. Just like I’d wanted.
“Yes, fuck, take it. Take it fucking all, take my fucking pain. God damn it, angel, you feel so fucking good.”
I could barely speak, the intensity of his pounding and the rush of sensations driving through my body making it hard to even think straight. I shoved my hand between myself and the bed, wanting to fall into oblivion with Xav. His growl echoed in my ear as I stroked myself, driving us both closer to the edge.
“Harder. Fuck me harder.”
All restraint fell away. He fucked me like a man possessed and I drowned in him. I let go. And I soared. The higher I went, the harder he pounded into me. I was almost crying with relief as my body clenched around him. The whole world faded away and I was left with pure ecstasy rushing through me at an alarming pace.
“Xavier, oh god, oh fuck.”
His hold on me tightened, his low roar echoing in my ears as he pressed up inside me as far as he could go. I felt each pulse of his cock as he came inside me. And then he collapsed on my back, pressing me into the bed.
We both panted, our breathing erratic and our hearts racing out of control. Our bodies were slick with sweat, but I couldn’t bring myself to give a shit about anything. My limbs were jelly, the intensity of our fucking making me incapable of moving a single inch.
“Angel,” he whispered.
“
Mmm?”
“I can’t remember the last time I let go like that. Can’t remember the last time I came so fucking hard. Jesus, are you okay? Did I really hurt you?”
“No, I wanted it. I loved every moment of it.”
He kissed my shoulder and pushed himself up off me. I winced a little when his cock slipped from me.
“But I won’t deny I’m going to feel it tomorrow.”
He picked me up off the bed and carried me into the bathroom. Flipping on the shower, he set me down under the spray and held me close. His fingers tangled in my hair and he tipped my head back.
“I don’t know where I’d be without you. You’re so precious to me. Thank you for today. Thank you for just being here.”
“I’m always here for you, tesoro.”
He smiled and leant down, capturing my lips with his. Even after all the stress and strain of the day, I couldn’t help but melt into him. I’d be here for Xav no matter what he needed. I’d stand by him through this whole damn thing with Julian. I’d do anything for him.
“Will you stay with me tonight?” he whispered when he released me and pressed my face into his chest.
“Yes… I’ll stay with you forever.”
“Forever? Not sure Quinn would appreciate that.”
I dug my fingers into his ribs.
“Shut up, you know what I meant.”
He laughed and the sound made my heart tighten. I wasn’t sure if I’d hear him laugh today and it was the most beautiful sound. He grabbed my hand and laced our fingers together.
“I’ll stay with you forever too, angel. I belong to you.”
“And I belong to you.”
I kissed his chest. I didn’t allow any other thoughts to intrude on this moment. Just me and him. That’s all I needed to get through the rest of this day from hell. Everything else could wait. None of it fucking mattered when Xav needed me and I needed him. None of it mattered at all.
Chapter 31
A draught of cold air hit my skin, jerking me awake followed by a warm body covering me and pressing a soft kiss to my chest. Fingers dug into my hair and a sigh erupted from her lips.