by Anne Malcom
“Holy fuck!” I heard someone yell.
“Make sure no one heard that shit. Get this place locked down and the body out of sight now,” Grim’s calm voice demanded.
Hansen’s face dominated my vision and stopped me from focusing on the surrounding commands. His face was concerned, on the edge of panic.
“Macy, look at me,” he said calmly, his voice not betraying a thing. His hands grasped the sides of my neck.
I looked at him blankly.
“Talk to me, baby,” he pleaded softly.
I stayed silent. I was looking at him, but not really seeing him. It was almost like I was looking through him. I felt like I’d taken a handful of Xanax or smoked an insane amount of weed. Everything was fuzzy.
“Hansen, you need to get Macy the fuck out of here now. Levi’s with you,” a sharp voice ordered.
My eyes moved over to Grim, who was standing watching me with cold eyes. Levi stood behind him, his usually carefree face hard and slightly pale.
Jagger was staring at me off to the side, staring at me like he had no idea who I was.
Charley came up beside Levi. “Holy fuck, I was gonna put my money on any bitch shooting someone in here, it’d be Kim and she’d be shooting off Hammer’s dick for not making her his Old Lady,” he commented, his eyes wide, observing me.
Levi smacked him upside the head, his face still serious.
Hansen kept his eyes on me, hands firm at my neck.
“Macy,” he repeated.
“Now, Hansen,” Grim ordered.
Hansen didn’t look his way but nodded. He clutched my arm and half dragged me toward the back exit. I focused on the pictures on the walls, the ones that I’d thought of as my family portraits. Ones I didn’t even recognize anymore. I tried not to think of that, tried not to glance over at the body that was sprawled meters away. The body missing a chunk of head. The body I’d created.
They’d taken me to a cabin in the middle of nowhere. A cabin I didn’t recognize, and one that had seen better days. The paint was peeling and the air smelled slightly musty. A television was in front of the lumpy sofa I was sitting on, and it was covered in dust.
“What the fuck were you thinking, Macy?” Hansen roared while he paced in front of me.
I flinched at his tone. The gentleness of before was long gone.
There hadn’t been talking on the ride here, considering I’d been on the back of Hansen’s bike, pressed up against him. When we’d arrived, I’d been unceremoniously dragged in here and deposited on the sofa. Hansen had started pacing. Levi leant on the stained counter. He stepped forward slightly, eyes flickering to me.
“Calm, brother,” he muttered, a hand on Hansen’s shoulder.
Hansen’s shrugged the hand off and moved his furious glare from me to Levi.
“Calm?” he repeated. “Fuck calm! She just fucking shot a man in the middle of the fucking club. Broad daylight! With witnesses!” he yelled. “Lucky it was only patched members in attendance, that’s not to say someone wouldn’t have heard the shots, maybe called the cops,” he started pacing again.
Levi stood in front of him. “No need to worry about that shit, unless there’s cause. Lock it down,” he ordered.
Hansen nodded stiffly, moved his eyes to me then stormed out of the house, slamming the door behind him.
I flinched again at the noise but stayed silent.
I heard Levi’s sigh and his boots made their way over to me. He knelt down so his face was level with mine. His eyes were hard but his expression was gentle.
“You think I’m gonna go to jail?” I asked with a weird sort of detachment. Nothing had sunk in yet. I had the numbness I had chased last night. And a weird feeling of peace.
Levi squeezed my leg. “Not if we got anythin’ to do with it, darlin’,” he said softly.
“I don’t mind, you know?” I said in that same cold voice. “If I do. I’d rather not if I had a choice, I don’t like the outfits and I’m not too keen on being someone’s bitch. But I know what I did… broke the law, killed someone…” I shrugged. I knew I should have been feeling something right now. Scared. Disgusted in myself. Guilty. I felt nothing. Only relief.
Levi regarded me. “You’re a smart girl, Macy. Shooting someone in the middle of the club… not smart,” he said carefully.
“Guess not,” I agreed.
There was a pause.
“He killed my parents,” I said by way of explanation. “He deserved it.”
Levi nodded. This was of no surprise to him. He knew. That meant the club knew, and they welcomed him in. Laughed with him. With a murderer. My parents’ murderer.
“Club going to make me disappear now?” I asked, chewing over what my actions meant. I may not go to jail, but I’d just broken a pretty big fucking rule. Not only were women never meant to get involved in club business, but I was also pretty sure they weren’t meant to murder business associates in the middle of the clubhouse.
Levi’s frame jolted. “Make you disappear?” he repeated with disbelief.
I nodded. “You know,” I made my finger gun like Arianne had two nights previous. I put it to my own head.
Levi clutched the hand with the finger gun and squeezed it tightly. “Jesus girl,” he muttered. “Can’t say I know what’s gonna happen. Can imagine Grim’s not gonna be happy right now, but no one’s gonna hurt you. You’re family,” he said firmly.
I laughed bitterly and snatched my hand out of his grasp. Family—yeah, right. I didn’t have any of that. Family didn’t welcome murderers into the family home. “Yeah, that’s what I thought too,” I said flatly.
Levi’s face hardened and he looked like he was going to say something, but his head jerked to the doorway.
“No one’s gonna kill you, Mace. Can’t say I’m feeling warm fuzzies toward you at the moment, though. In fact, I’m very tempted to show you the back of my hand,” a hard voice declared.
Grim stepped into the room, his face tight. I met his eyes without fear. Most of my emotions seemed to have left the building.
“You wanna tell me what was going through your mind when you decided to walk into my club and shoot a man?” he asked quietly.
I shrugged. “I didn’t exactly go in there with that in mind,” I said honestly. “But when you walk into a place you consider home and see the man who shot your parents in the face and subsequently ruined your childhood. You feel like returning the favor,” I told him blandly.
He stared at me, something working behind his eyes. “You know club rules, Macy? Been around long enough to know them?”
I nodded. “Yeah, I’ve been around long enough to know them. Long enough to consider the club my everything. My family. I’m happy to respect those rules, backward and sexist as they are. I’m happy to accept the fact that in your world you haven’t quite caught on to the fact women have been enjoying equal rights for the past few decades…” I paused. “I don’t even care that the club is into some shady shit that comes with the life I’ve decided to live. I’m happy to overlook all of that, ‘cause what I get in return makes it worth it. Or it did…” I narrowed my eyes. “But you welcome a murderer, my parents’ murderer, knowingly welcome him into your lives? Makes me realize, I’ve never been part of your family. So how about you shove your rules right up the back of your bike’s exhaust,” I suggested with venom.
There was a heavy silence once I’d uttered my last word. Levi was regarding me with wide eyes. Hansen had entered the room when I wasn’t looking. His face was thunder, and he held himself tautly, eyes on Grim as if he was expecting him to do something. Like he was expecting to have to attack his president in defense of me.
Grim surprised the shit out of everyone in the room by grinning slightly.
“You’re lucky it’s only Levi and Hansen in here darlin’. Otherwise, I’d be obligated to treat that little performance, and the disrespect, a lot differently.” His words may have been easy, but I heard the veiled threat. “As it is, I know both thes
e men care for you a great deal. One arguably more than the other, considering he’s claimed you.”
My eyes involuntarily locked with Hansen’s for a moment. It was coming back in, all of it, the feelings.
“So…” Grim continued, oblivious to the moment, “…I’ll be chalking that up to the fact that you’ve had a... trying day.” He stepped forward. “You’re lucky that it just so happens that that scumbag was on our shit list, on account of the fact he robbed someone in our family of their parents, among other things…” he paused. “If you don’t get the club in serious shit with your impulsive and reckless trigger finger, I’ll still consider you part of my family, provided you aren’t armed in the future,” he added. “That shit, you not doing that when the ATF of Feds aren’t parked outside our door. It’s just dumb luck.” He stepped forward. “You do something like that again, put the club in danger, I won’t be so forgiving,” he promised.
We held eye contact for a long time and I tried to let his words sink in.
Grim didn’t let me say anything, didn’t wait for a response. He turned to Levi. “Keep her here, till we can get this shit taken care of,” he ordered.
Levi nodded.
He gave me another look then left.
I stood there listening to the sound of a Harley roar off, feeling two sets of eyes on me. I didn’t think about that, though. The shock, the adrenaline, it was all wearing off. That wall that separated what I just done from the rest of me falling away.
I killed a man.
On that thought, I darted out of the room and into what I guessed correctly was the bathroom. I made it just in time to empty the meager contents of my stomach. I felt a presence behind me, felt his hands rubbing my back.
I failed to feel embarrassed over the fact he was watching me vomit. He’d just saw me blow a man’s head off, it was safe to say he was already disgusted with me. I’d blown myself firmly off that pedestal and into the gutter.
I finally finished emptying my stomach, trying to purge away the feeling that had settled under my skin once I pulled that trigger. I feared that it would never go away. It was burned on my soul forever.
Hansen helped me off the floor and I didn’t look at him. I moved to the grimy sink, planning on splashing water in my mouth. That was until I caught a glimpse of my reflection. My blood splattered face. I froze. I knew I couldn’t throw up anymore, but I felt the overwhelming urge to empty the poisonous bile at the bottom of my stomach. I slowly looked down to my white tee, it was flecked with splatters of red.
I started shaking. My entire body, so hard I felt my teeth clatter together.
Hansen’s hands fastened over mine, he tilted my chin to capture my eyes.
“Breathe, baby, it’s okay,” he whispered.
“It-it’s not okay, I’m co-covered in blood,” I stuttered. “I need to get it off, now,” I said trying to rip my hands from his. I needed to scrub every inch of evidence of what I’d done from my body.
He moved his hands to my neck. “You’re going into shock, baby. You need to breathe,” he said softly.
I tried to jerk out of his grasp, he held me tight. “I need to get it off!” I screeched hysterically.
Hansen seemed to get it, he nodded and released my hands. Moving to close the door, I heard him turning on a shower. I was too busy ripping my clothes off, needing them away, somewhere where I couldn’t see them, couldn’t feel them.
Hansen moved back to me, silently taking over undressing me. Once I was naked, I stood there shivering, not from the cold in the air that prickled my bare skin, but from the inside that chilled my veins.
Hansen quickly took his own clothes off, mingling them with mine. I didn’t have time to question him as he directed us both to the shower. I stood woodenly under the spray, my desperation to get clean seemed to have disappeared. I had turned into some sort of zombie, unable to move, flashbacks what I had done replaying in my brain.
Hansen’s hands worked over me, lathering soap into my body, cleaning the outside. I let him, staring into space, only seeing my hand on the trigger. His face exploding.
I barely noticed when he turned off the water, wrapped me in a towel. Lifting me like a baby he walked us into a sparse bedroom. He set me down and pulled a tee over my head, yanked some jeans on, and placed me carefully on the bed, wrapping me in his arms.
I snuggled into his body, trying to get as close as I could, trying to think of only that, focus on nothing else while my mind shut down.
Blood. I jerked awake, sitting up quickly and inspecting my hands with panic, expecting them to be drenched in blood. From the dim light in the room, I saw they were clean. On the outside anyway.
“We good?” I heard a tight voice ask from beyond the closed door.
I moved my head to see the rumpled space beside me. The rumpled empty space.
“Yeah, we’re good. No one heard the shot. Got the body taken care of quickly. Clubhouse is clean,” a voice clipped.
“Thank fuck,” Hansen’s relief was evident, even through a wooden door.
“Yeah. That shit could have gone a whole other way. Pure fuckin’ luck it worked out the way it did. Your woman endangered the club,” the voice was cold. I recognized it as Grim’s.
“She was fuckin’ faced with the man who ruined her life. What the fuck did you expect? Told you it was a bad idea to bring him anywhere near the club,” Hansen’s voice was full of anger, but it was quiet like he was trying not to wake the sleeping murderer in the next room.
There was a pause. “I didn’t expect her to come in at that particular moment. And I sure as shit didn’t expect her reaction to put a bullet in his brain, calm as anything,” the voice said dryly. “Fuck, despite myself, I find myself impressed by the bitch’s boldness. Maybe not her timing, nor her forethought. But any other female in that situation, most likely turn into a sniveling mess or run. Your woman turns straight to vengeance. Born to be an Old Lady. Ruthless one at that. Better make sure your cock doesn’t stray.”
I jerked at the words.
“Yeah, don’t think anyone thought fuckin’ Macy would be the one pulling the trigger on that scumbag,” Levi’s voice interjected. “I agree, might not have been the best timing, but the girl deserved her revenge. Fuckin’ proud she was strong enough to deal it out.”
There was silence. Hansen didn’t voice any pride or praise at the fact that I’d ended someone’s life.
“You stay here for tonight, just so we make sure this shit can’t lead back to us. Then bring Macy back to the club, make sure your fuckin’ gun’s out of reach,” Grim added with something close to humor.
I lay there as they all murmured goodbyes. I stared at the ceiling, not knowing what to do with myself. How to even begin the process what I’d heard. The fact all the guilt and sickness I felt seemed to have disappeared. Instead, I felt a weight had been lifted.
The door creaked open and Hansen silently closed it. I felt the bed depress as he moved to lay down and gather me in his arms. I knew he knew I was awake, but I didn’t speak for a second.
“So I’m not going to be arrested for murder?” I deduced my tone flat.
The arms around me tightened. “No babe,” he promised. “Club’s taken care of it. You won’t be going anywhere.”
“Remind me to send them a thank you card. Box of chocolates. Or a case of Jack Daniels,” I muttered.
Hansen said nothing.
“That something the club’s done before? Clean up bodies?” I asked.
“Once or twice,” Hansen told me, to my surprise.
Even that vague answer was more than a woman normally got. Then again, he probably didn’t think of me as his woman anymore.
“Do you think I’m disgusting?” I whispered, my voice breaking.
Hansen flipped me, covering my body completely. “Why the fuck would you say something like that?” he asked, in a tight tone.
“Because I killed someone,” I whispered. “Shot someone. Right in front of you. I’m sure m
urderess isn’t something you want your Old Lady to be? You’ve already got reformed whore on the list,” I continued.
Hansen jerked. He reached to turn on a lamp beside us. I squinted slightly until I got used to the light.
“Look at me,” he commanded.
I did as he ordered, expecting to see hardness, detachment in his eyes. Instead, his face was soft, his eyes looked at me the very same way they did that morning when he made me breakfast. When he changed my world.
“You promised not to use that fuckin’ word in reference to yourself again. I’m tempted to put you over my knee right now, but I’ll delay.” His eyes searched mine, swimming the depths of my soul. “Nothing will ever make me think of you as anything less than you are,” he promised. “And what you are, is magnificent.”
“But I shot someone,” I argued. “Right in the head.” My body jolted slightly at the memory.
Hansen’s face didn’t waver. His hand gently traced my lips. “Yeah, babe. You shot the piece of shit who tried to rob you of everything good in your life. Who took two loving parents away from a little girl. The man who didn’t succeed, thank fuck, in taking away your light, your goodness…” he paused. “You exacted revenge. You gave him what he deserved. And trust me, baby, he deserved to eat that bullet.” His brows furrowed. “Did I want you to have to be the one to deliver it? No. I meant what I said when I wanted to protect you from everything I could. I’m fuckin’ in awe you found it in yourself to bring him to justice. But I didn’t want you to have to do it. Wasn’t too keen on the time and place either,” he added with a small twinkle in his eye.
I stilled. Everything he said was something I could have wished for.
“So you don’t hate me?” I asked in a small voice.
“Jesus, babe, I could never hate you. Not when I love you more than anything in this world. Not when you own my heart,” he said firmly.
I sagged. Then I pounced. I pushed at his chest and managed to roll him, so I was straddling him. I didn’t waste any time, I attached my mouth to his, kissing him with a brutality I didn’t even know I was capable of.