They’d been alone, he’d kept them out of sight of other bands of Indians and trappers. He’d wanted to be alone with her.
It had been torture, but he thought the only way to get Brenna out of his mind and heart was to be with her, and convince himself that she was not worthy of his thoughts or feelings.
Then, when he no longer cared, he’d take her to his people and leave her there, returning only in one year’s time, as promised. But his plan had backfired. Each day made it harder for him to hold on to his anger, and he found he didn’t want her to be without him.
What if he took her to his people and another warrior tried to claim her? His gut had burned at the thought. Until he could rid himself of those feelings, bring himself to the point where he did not care, he’d keep her to himself.
He clenched his hands into fists. His resentment of her had cost him dearly. And her as well. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if anything happened to Brenna.
Using the thin saplings for support to help keep him from falling, he walked around the shelter. There was no sign of anyone. Not the old man, not Gil, not Brenna. Not even his horse.
Where was the old man? The one who’d fed him, kept him abed and tended to his wounds. He appeared to have left without a word. Even more strange, there was no sign that anyone had been here with him.
No fire pit, yet Matthew remembered warm, rich broth being spooned into his mouth and warm water being used to bathe his wound.
Puzzled, he returned to the shelter and packed what he needed: weapons, food, water. Everything else was left behind. With all that he needed on his back, he began the search for Brenna and Gil’s trail.
Among the horse tracks, he found what he was searching for—a set of shod prints. His horse and Brenna’s were not shod. He followed to be sure that there were two sets of tracks leading away from where he’d been shot.
The trail was easy to follow. No attempts had been made to hide it or erase it. It led out into the open, endless prairie. For a moment, the task before him seemed daunting. Impossible.
Gil was on horseback. Matthew was on foot. How was he going to catch up?
Tipping his head up and back, Matthew sent a prayer heavenward. “Cetan, Hawk Spirit, lend me endurance and make me swift of foot.” Though he thought he was shouting, his voice was a weak croak.
The snap of a twig made Matthew spin around. The wrenching pain sent him to his knees and the sight of the horse coming around the back of his shelter made him cry out.
Over and over in his mind, he thanked the spirits for sending the horse to him. It wasn’t his. This one was a warm, golden yellow with a mane of liquid moonlight.
He stood absolutely still and willed the animal to come to him. To help him.
How long he waited, he didn’t know. Finally, the horse moved toward him. With a twisting shake of its head, it started running right at him.
Matthew didn’t move. He didn’t try to grab the horse as it ran past, not touching but close enough that Matt felt the warmth of the animal.
He turned. The horse repeated this several times, as though wanting to be sure Matt was brave and worthy of such a magnificent animal.
When the horse stopped and dropped his head, Matthew limped forward. With a gentle hand and soft breath, he chanted a song of praise to the horse, and thanked the animal for coming to him.
With great difficulty, he mounted, and urged the horse in the direction Gil had taken Brenna.
* * *
Across the sodden grass, Tyler and Renny gave chase to the golden-yellow horse. It moved with the swiftness of the wind and stayed well ahead of them, becoming a streak of gold in the distance.
The rain slowed them; they could not push the horses. Finally, heading westward, they outran the afternoon storm and urged their horses faster.
But it was too late. The golden-yellow horse had disappeared behind the distant line of trees.
“No!” Renny shouted the word, her voice echoing. “Faster, we need to catch up.”
“The horses need to rest,” Tyler shouted back. He figured they’d be all right until they reached the trees, and the stream he knew would be on the other side.
Renny glanced at him for a brief moment. “Not yet.”
Tyler fell back half a pace so he could watch his warrior-woman. God, he loved her even if she oftentimes scared him stupid. Like now. She was so intent, so focused and determined to fulfill her destiny, he worried what would happen if she failed.
Her jaw was set, her eyes nearly unblinking as she stared at the spot where they’d last seen the horse. She was so stiff and unyielding in her goal, yet her body was fluid, her spirit one with the animal beneath her.
Her hair streamed out behind her, and the long fringe of buckskin along the underside of her arms moved in a smooth swing. She was wild, primitive and part of the land they rode across.
And she was his.
But only if she found Matthew. The thought made him feel sick. She hadn’t said the words, but he knew her well. Renny kept herself under tight, rigid control. And she expected more from herself than all of them together.
Tyler knew that if she failed, she’d blame herself, and hold it in until it ate at her from the inside out. He’d already seen it happening, had been waiting for her to crack so he could be there to hold her.
If not for Mattie’s vision of Matthew, he might have gotten through to her. But she’d closed herself off again, and was expecting too much of herself.
Of course, it didn’t help to have Mattie telling her that it was her journey, or for them to keep seeing a horse that sure as hell appeared to be leading them across the prairie. Not to mention spirits in the sky.
Until he’d seen that image of a horse in the sky, he wasn’t sure just how much stock he put into the whole vision and spirit thing.
But he couldn’t deny seeing the silvery-white horse. The moment had been powerful and incredible, unlike anything he’d ever experienced. It filled him with awe. And maybe, just maybe, he, too, believed.
They reached a line of trees along the river. The growth was thick and the horse tracks were gone.
Tyler felt Renny’s disappointment, saw her shoulders sag with a bone-deep weariness. The life seemed to go out of her, as though she were giving up. “He’s gone,” she whispered as she frantically eyed the ground near the stream.
“We keep looking. He went through here.” They both had noted the position of the trees: two on the left, two on the right, as though standing guard.
As they searched, he yearned to go to her and pull her into his arms. He needed to hold her and assure her that everything would be all right. But he couldn’t make promises that he had no control over.
Control. With Renny it all boiled down to control: of herself, of those around her. She kept herself so tightly reined in that it drew out his own need to protect her, and shield her.
But he’d learned, finally, that there was a time and place to be protective and a time to let go so that the woman he loved could grow.
Renny needed support right now. Not coddling. She needed him to be here, and to prove that she would never be alone.
“I can’t do this,” she cried out, jumping down from her horse. She kicked at the rocks then sank down onto the ground.
“He’s gone. We lost him.” Her voice ended on a strangled choke.
“We’ll find the horse, Renny.” Tyler stood behind her. He knelt down but didn’t touch her.
“And if we don’t?” Her voice rose. “What if I’m too late? What if I was too slow? I should have stuck to the trail. But I listened to the—”
“Listened to what, Renny?”
“The child,” she whispered, looking over her shoulder at him in stark horror. “What have I done?”
Tyler wasn’t sure he understood what she
was talking about. However, he knew Renny well. “You’ve followed your heart,” he said. “Every day, you’ve gone by your instincts. Don’t doubt yourself now.”
Her eyes were wide with fear. “And if I’m wrong?”
Tyler turned her to face him. “What if you are?”
Her face went bone-white and she doubled over. “Then I will have failed.”
Tyler forced himself to not touch her even though he wanted nothing more than to pull her into his arms and keep her warm and safe. But he didn’t.
“What happens if you fail, Renny? What is the worst that can happen?”
Renny jumped up and backed away from him, her eyes glittering, her lips moving soundlessly. She just shook her head at him.
Tyler rose and followed her retreating steps. “Answer me, Renny. What if you fail?”
“I can’t,” she whispered. “I just can’t.”
“Renny, there are two things to consider.” He held up one finger. “We find Matthew, and he is still alive. That means you didn’t fail.” She bit her lower lip but didn’t speak.
“Two.” He lifted a second finger. “We find him but he didn’t survive.” He held up his hand when she cried out in protest. “That is the worst and if it happens, it will not have been your fault.”
“Mattie would know,” Renny said, her voice trembling.
“Okay, if we find him—not alive—then there are two things to ask yourself. One: What is the worst that will happen? Will everyone hate you? Will I hate you?” He answered for her. “No one will blame you. Not for this, not for the deaths of your parents.”
Renny turned her back on him. “And two?”
“Can you accept whatever we find? Whether he is alive or not, can you let it go?”
Renny didn’t move or speak. He went to her and put his hands on her shoulders. “Don’t answer. Just think about it. Maybe the purpose of this journey isn’t about Matthew, but about you.”
Renny put her hands to her face. “I couldn’t live with myself. I can’t let everyone down,” she said, her voice shuddering.
“Everyone. Meaning your brothers and sisters?”
She nodded. He pressed on before she could break in.
“And me? Will you have failed me as well, Renny?”
She nodded again. “Yes.” Her voice was a faint whisper of sound.
Tyler rubbed at the knots in her shoulders. “And what of you, baby?”
Renny turned and looked up at him. “Me?”
Tyler gave in to his need to touch her by caressing the side of her face. “You’re not just afraid of letting us all down,” he said. “I think you are more afraid that you’ll let yourself down.”
At that, Renny pulled away. “This isn’t the time.” Her voice was tight.
Tyler rocked back on his heels. Everything inside him urged him to gather her close. But he didn’t, for there was also a time for a good swift kick in the behind.
This was one of those butt-kicking times. Renny was too close to the surface, ready to give up—not on him or any of them, but on herself. He refused to allow her to do so.
“Yeah, well, maybe it is. Hell, you’re not the only one who has a stake in this.”
Renny turned wide eyes to him. “I never said—”
“No, you never considered anyone else. You are so afraid of failing that you aren’t thinking of what the outcome of this mission will mean to all of us. Including me.”
Tyler softened his tone. “Think I don’t see that you feel you aren’t worthy of happiness, that if you fail you will deny us both that chance?”
He trailed his fingers over her jaw. “You aren’t to blame for any of it, Renny, and if you think you are, then you’re not as smart as I thought you were.”
Tyler leaned down and kissed her gently. “Ask yourself one more question, Renny. Ask yourself what you most fear.”
Seeing that she was off-center, unsure whether to be angry or hurt, Tyler took charge. His voice was firm, authoritative.
“That horse you’re intent on chasing had to have crossed the stream here. We’ll do the same and search the other side.”
He didn’t wait for her but mounted his horse and urged the animal across the shallow bed of water. A glance over his shoulder showed that she was just standing there, confused over his abrupt dismissal.
“Ranait, get moving,” he ordered. “You can feel sorry for yourself later.”
Renny started. Then her eyes narrowed. “Watch it, Troll,” she shot back, “or you’ll be the one feeling sorry for yourself after I’ve stomped a foot or two.”
She rode past him, sending water spraying over him. He smiled. “Never one to disappoint, are you?” he said softly.
* * *
Renny stewed with anger while she searched up and down the stream. How dare Tyler speak to her that way! He didn’t understand.
Up and down the stream she rode, searching, looking for any sign of Matt, or the horse. Anything. So far, nothing.
She’d thought they’d been so close to finding Matt and Brenna because of the dreams last night, the return of the golden horse, the light show in the sky. All of it had built her hopes up. Now they were dust on the ground.
“Where are you?” she called out. “Show yourself to me.” But no horse appeared from between the trees. No spirit horse materialized in the sky. She didn’t see any birds or other animals to gain direction from.
She was alone. No Maze, no Mattie. Just her.
And Tyler.
Renny glared at him when she caught sight of him moving through the trees. She was furious with him. “Terrapin Tyler,” she muttered. Dog Meat Tyler.
As she searched, she seethed. How could he say those things after just that morning telling her that he loved her? That he wanted her to be his wife?
“Ha!” Over her dead body.
The thought sobered her as she considered what Tyler had said. His words made sense. So far, this entire trip seemed to be about her, not Matthew. He was the driving force, but what if they were too late? What if Matthew was dead?
Would her brothers and sisters blame her? Tears welled in her eyes. No. She’d blame herself, and in doing so she’d unintentionally strike out at those she loved—especially Tyler—as she’d done over the last year.
On some level, she knew she could not have known there was danger to her parents, that they’d ride out in the morning and never return. She frowned. It had been her intention to confess her guilt to her siblings, to beg their forgiveness, but there was nothing for them to forgive. It was time to let the past go, time to concentrate on her future with Tyler, as long as she wasn’t fool enough to let him go. She smiled a little. The Troll really did know her, and he knew just how to get under her skin and keep her off balance.
With the sunlight filtering between the trees, Renny admitted not only that she loved Tyler, but that her greatest fear was losing him.
Renny knew he loved her. His had been an unselfish love all this time and she’d been too blind, too stubborn and too wrapped up in her own worries and fears to see or admit the truth to herself.
What do you most want?
The question seemed to float on the wind. Her hair was lifted, teased. She closed her eyes and sought the answer deep in her heart.
She wanted Tyler. She wanted to be happy, she wanted what Mattie had found with Reed.
“So why are you just standing here like an idiot?” she asked herself. She was grinning now. She wanted to be Tyler’s wife. She wanted Tyler. She loved Tyler.
For a moment the wonder of that bloomed deep inside her. Love shone as bright as the sun, warming her from the inside out.
Mattie had said this was her journey. She drew herself up. Maybe this was her test. Something she had to pass to prove herself worthy. No, she
was worthy of Tyler’s love already.
She laughed softly. She’d just passed her test. She was worthy. That was the answer. What she most wanted was to believe herself worthy of love.
Tyler had made her worthy. He was the other half of her soul. He filled her heart, and he cleared the fear from her mind. She felt free. Free to confess her love to Tyler.
The thought made her feel gooey inside, all soft and mushy. Warm and hot and all jittery. With a start she realized that she was indeed in love with Tyler. Her Nanny Troll, her clucking mother hen.
She remembered how he’d just taken charge and turned her despair into anger, which had gotten her thinking. He’d known just what to say to rile her, and get her hopes back up.
Spurring her horse over to where he searched, she yelled out, “Trowbrydge Tyler Thompkins Tilly, I want a word with you!”
Chapter Twenty-One
“Now you’ve done it,” he muttered to himself. He’d been watching her and waiting for it. The play of emotions on her face made him dizzy.
The anger, the puzzled frowns, then a small smile. He’d have given much to know what prompted that smile. But she wasn’t smiling now as she sat on top of her horse with her arms crossed. As he neared, she lifted one leg over the top of the horse’s head then slid off.
Her eyes glittered, and he figured he’d be safer up on his horse. But she walked over and stared at him until he slid down the side of the horse. He tipped his hat back.
“You called?” His voice was neutral. Cautious.
She tipped her chin up at him. “You owe me, Troll.”
He lifted a brow. “Ah, Miss O’Brien, what do I owe you?” His mind was racing and he just wished he knew what was going on in hers.
Without warning, she threw herself into his arms. “A kiss,” she said. “Lots of them.”
Then she was kissing him. Hard. His insides turned into a hot puddle of desire. But before he could kiss her back, she pulled back, a very satisfied expression on her face.
“What was that about?” Tyler held his breath.
“It’s about you,” Renny said, her eyes shining with tears. “I want you, more than anything.”
White Vengeance Page 21