by Leanne Davis
It was so easy to express her joy at seeing him home the next morning because she felt that way. So easily they hugged and spoke quietly to each other. Her parents exchanged smiles of appreciation of their sweet greeting to each other. Charlie grinned and winked at Cami. Yeah, they fooled everyone!
It was a lovely few days. Almost enough to make up for the long, lonely months. They had a huge Thanksgiving dinner at Jack and Erin’s house and the entire family came, including every sibling of Jack’s and their extended families. Kailynn’s brothers and their significant others also attended the feast, as did Allison’s parents.
Cami’s heart always swelled with joy when she watched Baby Lillian run up on her chubby legs, squeezed into white tights beneath her little, pink dress.
“Uncle. Uncle. Take me see horses? Pwease?” she twinkled and grinned.
Charlie, who was speaking to AJ, stopped and leaned down to pick her up.
“Let me finish talking,” he said as he kissed her. She tucked her head onto his shoulder while he continued talking to AJ.
Charlie and Cami exchanged glances.
She could see his freaking guilt whenever he was with her dad. He was sleeping with AJ’s little girl. Cami knew that’s what her upstanding, Dudley Do-Right boyfriend was thinking. And it filled her heart with passion at his adorable personality. He gave his full attention to his niece, who giggled when he pretended to nibble on her chin and neck, acting like the “Cookie Monster” from Sesame Street. He even mimicked the voice and chanted, “Me want cookie.” Lillian erupted into peals of giggles as she threw her head back with unbridled glee.
He tilted his head towards her and Cami loved how often he did that. It signaled that he wanted her beside him and she assumed that whatever he was doing, she was included. She scrambled to her feet and grabbed her coat, taking Lillian’s other hand as they walked her towards the barn. They let Lillian guide them towards the specific horses she wanted to see. She was already showing a huge love and respect for horses and seemed quite fearless around them already.
They laughed with her as she kept them chatting and exchanging heated, happy glances. Yes, sex really had changed everything. It made everything that much deeper and closer and surer between them. At least, one would have assumed that by the way they kept glancing at each other with secretive smiles, finding it hard to keep their eyes off each other. The most ordinary conversations and comments became intimate interactions, communication laced with innuendo. They often stared at each other as the words that were spoken seemed less important than how they looked into each other’s eyes.
Charlie was the celebrity of the day. Everyone was so impressed with him and they all wanted to know how his first quarter went. People asked what he was studying and every other conceivable detail about it.
Thanksgiving dinner was huge and delicious, and Cami was grateful for her life and her future but most of all, for Charlie.
They snuck away to her room. This time, it was an ethereal rush of grabbing each other in long, sloppy kisses as they pushed and prodded to remove the lower halves of their clothes. When they finally freed the necessary organs, they were grinning at each other like two little kids, sneaking off to gorge on a stolen dessert. As soon as possible, they united their eager bodies and groaned at the familiar contact. Using a condom, as always, they moved as one, and were still standing before Charlie lifted her upright and held her tight. When they were finished, they fell as one onto her bed, laughing, giggling, hugging, and kissing some more. She loved that part. The joy and ease they always shared. The intimacy. The bond and the friendship. By the time AJ and Kate returned, they were already downstairs, redressed and properly sitting on the couch together, watching a movie as innocently as ever. They smiled their hello to her parents.
Their stolen times were one thing, but occasionally, they could indulge in longer, easier, and more relaxed couplings. Even when it was quick and secretive, it only made it surprisingly hotter.
After Charlie left for school, he missed her much more. She was sure of it, judging by the urgency of his calls. The body’s longing for physical contact was a powerful tug for someone who had never known it before. She used it to her advantage. She believed they were just falling deeper and more madly in love. By the time it was winter vacation, they were almost depressed whenever they spoke because they became so anxious. He snuck home again early, and they met at the trailer. Without kind words or slow reassurance, they came together in a matter of minutes, enjoying mutually loud, screaming, satisfied orgasms. All of that happened before Charlie lifted himself off her to suddenly grin. “Hi, girlfriend.”
She smiled back, pushing at his sweaty hairline. “Hi, boyfriend.”
He shuffled back. “You know I missed you a lot and for more than just this, right?”
“I know,” she said with a grin. “But you have to admit, it’s at the top of the list.”
He snuggled against her. “I don’t know, this feels awfully nice. Especially with a foot of snow outside and the temperature hovering at two degrees. Nothing feels better than having you wrapped around me. Even when it’s all so innocent.”
She agreed, sleeping together was the best treat, the highlight of it all. They both understood that. Although some parents might have tolerated their teenage children sleeping together under the same roof, Cami and Charlie knew better than to ask their parents. So they didn’t. No one else knew about it, and if anyone wondered, they didn’t ask. Cami and Charlie were both very discreet.
It was a blissful winter break. All their time was spent together. The weather was freezing cold and they could do no more than run to each other’s house before shivering for half an hour. Full snowsuits were required if you planned to spend more than a few minutes exposed to the outdoors. They often went sledding with Ben and Jocelyn and Lillian or made snowmen with her. They took her out in a sleigh pulled by one of the Rydells’ most docile horses. Charlie took Cami’s picture before he leaned over and kissed her as she sat beside Lillian. “What was that for?”
“You should see yourself. All bundled up like a moving snowman. You look like a kid with your red nose and cheeks and bright eyes. I love seeing you so happy. It wasn’t always that way.” And she was wearing a lot of clothes. She regularly layered her clothing. Sometimes it was so thick, you couldn’t find her in it. She got cold very easily and made sure to always protect herself from it, fashion be damned. Comfort always came first. But Charlie even considered that an eternal turn-on, so it didn’t matter.
He was right of course. And yet, when he wasn’t here, she wasn’t like that. It was so much easier with him around. She banished the thought of not having him again. They had a full month together and Christmas was coming, so there was nothing for her not to be happy about. The ranch was aglow in Christmas lights on every single house and barn, and of course, the resort was all lit up too. They didn’t always decorate like that but after the arrivals of Rosie, Iris, and Lillian, everyone started to decorate for Christmas, not only around their personal spaces, but all over the resort.
Their busiest season was always between Christmas and New Year’s. People came for the snow. There were sleigh rides and ice skating and a tree lighting ceremony. One of the centrally located firs was all decked out in silver, white, red, and gold. A glorious wonderland and festival of lights were combined all in one. The staff had increased to a sizeable number, but they invariably had to hire seasonal help, which included Cami. She still had to work even while Charlie was back home, and it often irritated her, although she didn’t dare voice it to AJ, Kate or most especially, Charlie. They were glad to see her working and succeeding without being so hung up on Charlie that she couldn’t do anything else but miss him.
And that’s exactly what she was: hung up on Charlie.
Cami wanted to live with Charlie and looked forward to spending each dinner and evening with him. She wanted both of them to work there on the ranch in some capacity. And to spend all of her spare time with him.
Not the snippets they squeezed in during his stupid vacations. Especially when the whole resort was packed full for family fun, it was hard for Cami not to get caught up in it. She saw families frolicking together and thought, I’d like to have that. She started to imagine it, and often fantasized about it. She’d never had anything like it before. No family. Or siblings. Or sense of security. She fondly imagined having a baby who had two parents who loved her and a place like this to grow up. She longed for it as she watched Charlie interacting with Lillian, wondering what he’d be like with their toddler, their baby. She began to think of it more frequently. Naturally, she knew now wasn’t the right time or even on Charlie’s radar yet.
It was hard for her not to indulge her longing for the one thing she’d never had, and always wanted. Especially when everyone else, Charlie included, never lacked it. Family. She had a family now with Kate and AJ and she loved it. She couldn’t even think about moving away for that’s how dear their dynamics had become to her.
Cami and Charlie spent most of their time with Ben and Jocelyn. Cami couldn’t help envying their marriage and baby. They were also building a house together. Both were happily working and being together all the time. She witnessed their tough start, but also how it turned out. Best of all, they had Lillian.
There was nothing special Cami wanted to do in her life. She had no passion or calling, although she didn’t mind working the reception desk of the resort. But she wouldn’t have cared if she were not working either. Her feelings, excitement, and passion were all about relationships: with her parents, her boyfriend, and Charlie’s family. She was so glad Ben and Jocelyn accepted her so easily and together, they made a fun foursome. Sometimes, she wished… okay, quite often, she wished she and Charlie were Ben and Jocelyn’s age. She longed to simply live and be together all the time like they were. How could she feel excited and passionate about school or work or training for a job? Those were so insignificant compared to things like getting married to Charlie and someday having his child. Children were the only things she loved to dream about. All the things she never had meant everything to her now. A family. Perhaps that made her more prepared to start one than most girls her age.
The vacation was a beautiful, wonderful bubble of pretending and imagining what it might be like to live together. The rest of the family was happy to see how well they seemed together. Dinners with Jack and Erin or her dad and Kate were always something Cami looked forward to. She had plenty of fun with the horses and the snow and teasing each other. Most of all, she had fun with Charlie.
But January came, and Charlie went back to school. The ranch put away its Christmas shine until next year and returned to normal except for an endless blanket of pristine, white snow. The winter hit hard, leaving several feet of snow on the ground all the time while the temperatures dipped below zero at night. It was dark by four o’clock and Cami felt depressed and alone. She was bored, especially after the constant companionship and fun she had with Charlie. He was home for most of December and the first week of January. Now it was just Cami again. Alone. In the darkness and cold. Depressing couldn’t begin to cover it. She tried to stay busy but with only a few oddball guests still at the resort, business was almost dead. After the holiday rush, the ranch relied on a skeleton crew for very few guests.
Charlie was cramming for finals and had little time to talk to her. She hated being put off or ignored because of his stupid schoolwork. Gritting her teeth, which he didn’t know, she kept silent and stayed smiling, supportive, and sympathetic, even if it made her want to scratch her eyes out.
****
The next three months were a continuation of that theme. Her boredom and loneliness could have eaten her up and all the while, Charlie blossomed. Making straight As and meeting plenty of friends, which he certainly never had before. He definitely had oodles of them now. And Cami detested it. She was so envious over them stealing such large chunks of Charlie’s time, without her, and hearing him experiencing so many new things.
Eventually, she saved up enough money to visit Charlie. She took the time off from her job to do so. During the entire bus ride to his college, all she could do was think about seeing Charlie and her heart felt like it could explode. She was going to see Charlie again. Charlie was the huge reward at the other end of her tedious road trip. At last, she could see her first glimpse of the mysterious life he lived. All of it sounded so foreign and exotic. In her more honest moments, she had to admit she hated his college life. It stole him from her. Like a new mistress, it was Charlie’s main focus and it kept him busily engaged. He was changing and none of it had anything to do with her. It relegated her to being no more than an afterthought, the anchor back home that kept him rooted in River’s End, instead of being fully submerged in the school’s social life and culture. It prevented him from dating other girls or finding someone more worldly, cultured or intelligent than Cami. And less needy. Less insecure. Less aimless. She was the polar opposite of Charlie in how she felt about most things.
Now she could almost be with him and she was so excited, it ate away at her stomach lining.
Just before she left, Kate asked her, “Do you think… we should go see about birth control? I mean, just in case?”
Cami blushed to the roots of her hair and shrugged. Kate sighed. “I know about the trailer, Cami. I’m not like everyone else. I know. I also know how you two feel about each other. That’s why I think we should be safe, not sorry.”
But she wouldn’t be sorry. Of course, she could not say that. Not to Kate, who was forty-one years old and never wanted any kids. Let alone, when she was just barely twenty. Kate would shudder at that. How old-fashioned it was. She pictured Kate advocating that girls should want so much more out of life than just to get married and have babies. Kate attended college and earned a master’s degree despite owning a big business. She’d never have settled for a baby. She would never understand Cami wanting to do that, either.
So Cami nodded. They went to the doctor and Cami started on birth control pills. She knew it was the right thing. Her desire to rush forward with all the things she witnessed in Ben and Jocelyn’s situation wasn’t practical. She knew that. She really did. She knew they should have a place to live and work and probably live together before they decided to get married. And that wasn’t now. Or anytime in the next several years. Of course, it was a good thing. The right thing.
But it still didn’t change her desires. She adored Charlie. She wanted to be with him every single day. She could only think and dream about what it would be like to live together every single day and even went so far as to fantasize where that place might be.
She chastised herself for her old-fashioned dreams and constantly reminded herself they could have all of that someday. Far off. Not now. No time for it now. But the thought of waiting years totally intimidated her. She had little patience with years. It used to be a few days here and there. Her childhood had no security or permanence and very little care shown towards her. Sometimes, she indulged her longings. It was hard not to dream about the one thing you were always denied when you most needed it: a home, unconditional love, and a sense of permanence.
Now they were apart for several months at a time. Surrounded by young peers of Charlie’s age, Cami imagined that thousands of students were always right there beside him. Living with him and partying with him. He had every opportunity to fall for someone else. Or even just party with someone else. He could accidentally cheat at some point just because he got caught up in a moment. She knew how lonely she felt sometimes for Charlie. A strong, physical ache. Maybe he did for her too, and there were hundreds of girls from every walk of life and every level of attractiveness. Naturally, he could so easily take comfort in one of them. Even if he might still love her. Age nineteen wasn’t exactly known for being the age of intimate discretion. The statistics of young love and long distance were dismal at best.
And Cami’s past was also dismal. It was far easier at times for her to expect the neg
ative realities than believe they were somehow special and could beat the odds. Her early life was a testament of not beating the odds.
At age thirteen, when her short life changed for the better, Cami didn’t believe in miracles. They just didn’t happen and most people didn’t surprise her pleasantly or for the good. She was taught at a young age not to expect much kindness from anyone.
She took Kate’s advice about the birth control pills and pretended she was grateful although she was mostly ambivalent, only using them because, yeah, duh, it was the right thing to do. The most responsible and decent thing to do.
It didn’t mean she couldn’t long for something very different.
And it also didn’t change how eager she was. Her stomach bubbled with excitement. Finally, she would be with Charlie again. She never considered that taking such a trip could be hard or that it might be difficult to see him so developed and involved and independent without her. But she felt ready to face their long, uncertain and separate future. And to do that, she had to first find a way to dispel her crippling insecurities.
Chapter Seven
CHARLIE MET CAMI AS she stepped off the bus. He swept her up in his arms and she huddled against this chest, breathing in his familiar scent, treasuring the feel of him and closing her eyes at his sheer essence. He was like no one else in the world to her. He wrapped her in his arms with a kiss that nearly devoured her on sight. Anyone watching them, be damned, because for once, it wasn’t anyone they knew. They kissed and hugged, plunging their tongues deeply into each other’s throat before they finally separated. With broad smiles, they hugged tenderly, but tightly. “That never gets old,” Charlie said, nuzzling just below her ear. She knew that too. It was the only thing she had to offer him that college and studying and new experiences and friends couldn’t: sex.