by Leanne Davis
“Exactly what I’m talking about. Your constant need to hear that. But yes, I still love you. I hate seeing you hurt. Yes, I’m really fucking angry. Imagine how confusing that is in my head. I never wanted to hurt you or see you hurt and now I’m the one who’s lashing out at you.”
“Cami? Did you hear me?” Kate yelled again.
Charlie pushed her off his chest. “Let’s go do this.”
She hiccupped and wiped her eyes, taking several deep breaths. “Okay,” she whispered. Her face was streaked in pink shame.
“We’ll say it was an accident. And we’re together on this and determined to make it work. Okay?”
“Okay,” she mumbled again.
“Do you want to say that? Or something else? I don’t want to order you around, but you don’t seem to take any responsibility for saying something here.”
“Because I’m scared, and I would rather have you say it.”
“I don’t want to either. This isn’t how I wanted to live my life. I’m not your decision-maker.”
She clutched his hand. “Just for tonight, could you be?”
He held her hand as they went downstairs. His dad and Erin were sitting on the couch. AJ and Kate sat in chairs on opposite sides of the brick fireplace. A fire roared, creating what should have been a homey, warm setting in contrast to the falling snow drifting outside.
All eyes were predictably focused on them as they came down the stairs and the ensuing tension clung to them like unwanted poundage. Charlie nodded at his dad and smiled at Erin.
“We didn’t know you were coming home.” Erin’s concerned gaze rested heavily on him.
“We needed to talk to all four of you at once.”
“Uh huh. I see that. What’s going on?” Kate asked, her gaze laser-focused on Cami before rising to him. Oh, yeah, she and Erin already knew exactly what was up. Their disappointment was visible in the grim set of their mouths.
Charlie sat down and Cami sat cross-legged on the floor near him. She kept her gaze downwards. His brain scanned his thoughts for something to say that could make this sound better than it was, but nothing came up and he had nothing to say.
“Oh, Charlie,” Erin said in a tone full of disappointment and sorrow. “No…”
“What is it?” AJ asked next.
Charlie kept his face neutral and his jaw clamped. He fisted his hands, resenting this moment and the need to tell the adults this. Of all things, the one thing he promised all four of them would never happen with him and Cami. And here he was. Breaking his word. Breaking their trust. Shattering their expectations, as well as his own. All because of Cami. No, it wasn’t something he’d get over tomorrow. Or the next day. It gnawed at his stomach lining and he wondered if it would last his whole lifetime. Cami tricked him into becoming a father and for no good reason. It was totally preventable. Their relationship was vibrant and very secure, and there was no reason to compel her to do something like that in order to keep him or get him to commit. Why had she done that? Again, simply because she wanted a baby.
Taking a deep breath, he announced in a loud voice the one sentence he never hoped to say, “We’re going to have a baby.”
Chapter Ten
CAMI KEPT HER HEAD down, wishing she could bury her face in her hands. His words rolled like an errant rock off the top of a cliff, falling onto her parents and him. The roof caved in on her confidence. Her shame over how angry she made Charlie, as well as the negative reactions to her news by everyone who heard it, silenced the room. Stunned and shocked, the subsequent barrage of predictable questions soon followed.
“What about school?” Jack.
“Oh, Charlie, no,” Erin sympathized.
Then AJ stood up without a word. His abrupt movement made Cami’s gaze follow him. Clenching his jaw, he stared at her, his eyes turning hard and unforgiving before he simply walked past her and out the front door. He slammed the door hard enough to shake the door frame. She immediately felt like curling up into a small ball and letting the tears fall without further restraint. But Charlie’s words of admonition were still fresh, and right there in front of her. She had to stop being a child. Grow up. Find the strength within herself and stop relying on him to make her feel better.
No matter how bad AJ might have made her feel.
Charlie leaned down and dropped his hand to her shoulder, and Cami glanced up at him gratefully. “What are you going to do?” Jack repeated.
“We’ll have the baby and figure out how to raise it and pay for everything while I finish school.”
“Charlie, you don’t know how hard what you’re saying will be in practice.”
He cleared his throat. “I have a pretty good idea.”
“I mean, it’s not like you’re too young or anything… I just hoped you would have waited a bit longer,” Erin added.
“Well, life doesn’t happen like that.”
Cami lifted her gaze finally and dared to look at Kate. Kate was strangely and uncharacteristically quiet and her face was wet with tears. Surprised, Cami stared at her, open-mouthed, and asked, “Why are you crying?” Her simmering anger laced her words. She wasn’t eighteen or sixteen years old, and for goodness sakes, not thirteen either. She was twenty-three years old now. Their insistence on receiving it as such tragic news was their own choice. Lots of women had babies at her age. Why so much shock and dismay?
“I just wanted more for you.”
“You wanted me to live your life.” Cami snapped. She was sick and tired of people telling her how to feel and how wrong it was to have a baby now. There was so much more the world had to offer and more that she should want, but for Cami, this was so much more. Better than anything she could imagine herself wanting more. This was everything. This was a growing life. Safely developing inside of her.
“Are you two getting married then?”
“No,” Charlie answered quickly. Way too quickly and sharply for Cami’s preference. “No. We’ll just continue exactly as we have been until the baby is born. Then we’ll decide what to do.”
Jack shook his head. “Okay. I guess there isn’t much more I can say to that.”
“Well, you’ll have to go to the doctor soon. Find one you like. Get an appointment and figure out the payments. I’ll have to see how well our insurance covers you. You’re probably wise not to get married, for medical insurance reasons if nothing else. Mine is, no doubt, better than anything the two of you could buy,” Kate said, wiping her eyes. At least, her voice was neutral and even.
Cami never considered medical insurance or how they would pay for the childbirth.
“I’ll do it first thing Monday.” Now that everyone knew her secret, Cami intended to do everything right. She would take very good care of herself and do whatever was advised to properly prepare for this baby. Their baby. Her baby. Her very own child to raise.
Even Charlie could never totally belong to her.
A weird quiet descended on them and each seemed lost in their own special disappointment. Finally, Jack got to his feet. “I guess we’ll go back home now.”
“I’ll walk you,” Charlie said, rising to his feet. Cami gathered she wasn’t invited on purpose. She supposed she should look for her own father. Stupid AJ. Why did he get so mad at her? What was he doing at twenty-three years old? Serving time in prison? Yes. Drinking and gambling and drugging despite knowing he’d already fathered a child… her. At the ripe old age of sixteen, he’d already become a father. How dare he judge her?
They shuffled out the door together. “I’ll be back later.”
Cami nodded and found herself alone with Kate. The quiet lingered on uncomfortably. Finally, she got up and walked over to Kate to hug her. Kate was stiff at first. Cami hugged Kate’s stout shoulders and stood beside her chair. “I’m not you. I want this baby.”
“You did it on purpose. That’s what I refused to say in front of them. And Charlie didn’t know, did he?”
Stunned, Cami just stared at her.
“I’m your damn mo
ther, child. How could you think I would miss that?”
“Charlie knows what I did. I told him the truth about everything.”
“That was a crap thing to do to him. You knew he never wanted this to happen.”
“No, he didn’t. But I did.” Cami shook her head. “I realize how heartless and selfish it sounds. I didn’t just refuse to take the pills. I got a little careless about taking them. I kind of knew I was risking it but I pretended I wasn’t. In a passive/aggressive way, I suppose I was trying to get what I secretly wanted more than anything else. It was wrong. And I will have to pay for it for a long time before Charlie trusts me again. I deserve that, I know. I already regret what I did. I realized how easily I might have lost him. I’d rather have our baby when he’s ready and wants one. Not like this. But now that I am carrying his baby, I find it more acceptable. That’s why I’m not reacting the same as everyone else is.”
Kate sighed and touched her face. “You suffered so much at such a young age. It still kills me to imagine it. But nothing can ever undo that, Cami, not even having your own baby. You alone must fill that void inside you. It’s not Charlie’s responsibility or mine or AJ’s… not even this baby you conceived.”
“Is that why you think I did it?”
“Maybe just a little bit. And you know I’m not wrong.”
“You just hoped I’d be as independent and accomplished as you.” Cami didn’t like her stepmother’s analysis and she snapped her reply.
“No. You’re wrong. I believe a woman has the right to become anything she wants. I think you always missed that message about me. You have every right to get married at age eighteen and have a dozen kids, if that’s what you truly want and need and desire. Or you could choose to be like me and live single and free, running your own business well into middle age. I think both are valid paths in life. As long as every woman makes her own choice, any extreme or somewhere in between is acceptable. But this? I think you were doing what you wanted exclusively for you, without considering Charlie’s opinion or your circumstances and I believe you were wrong.”
“I was selfish, you mean?”
“Yes. You just want a full-time object you can love that will love you back.”
“Yes. I do. Of course I want that. It doesn’t make me a monster.”
“No. But you deliberately deceived your boyfriend and limited his future. You’re lucky he’s the upstanding guy he is and that he is sticking by you, no matter what.”
“He’s so angry though.”
“Well, yeah. And you have to start considering the consequences of your actions.”
“He said something similar.”
“I was thirty-six when I chose to bring you into my life. I took you and your dad on willingly. Out of my love and a desire for something more meaningful. I irrationally got angry at first, however, when you initially showed up. I almost blamed you for ruining all the fun I believed I was having with AJ. So things often manage to work themselves out. I just think you need to exert yourself more. How this started wasn’t because of the finest motive or plan. So you’ll have to make every effort to atone for that.”
“I’m going to. I swear. Should I even try to talk to AJ?”
“Yes, Cami. You should definitely take care of that. Your relationship with your father hasn’t ceased to exist.”
Kate’s warning was clear: start nurturing her relationships without expecting Kate or Charlie to do it for her.
****
Jack stopped to enjoy the view. Horses in the pastures made loud stomps and their nickers and neighs filled the air occasionally. Their hot breaths looked smoky in the cold, afternoon air. Snow fell, making the world silent and feel startlingly clean. Their voices softly muffled, they waited until Erin plodded ahead, giving them more privacy. Then they stepped into the barn.
“You didn’t make a mistake. She got pregnant on purpose, didn’t she?”
“How did you know that?”
“You’re always too careful and you still have so many goals to achieve. Not to mention the thick tension I’ve never witnessed between you two before.”
“Yeah, it’s pretty hard to accept.”
“But you didn’t dump her?”
“No, of course not. I don’t intend to either. She didn’t do it maliciously or even on purpose, although she did it all the same.”
He waited for his dad to reprimand him or lecture him. Instead, Jack stepped forward and set a hand on Charlie’s shoulders. “I’ve never been prouder of you than I am right now.”
Charlie tilted his head to the side. “How could you possibly say that?”
“You love her. You always have. You’re so mature about it and able to see past your own anger. You also intend to stay with her and keep loving her. It’s very easy to love someone in the beginning when it’s fresh and new. It’s not so easy when their faults and shortcomings come out, or they do something you never expected, like this. Even life’s circumstances can conspire to make things hard or challenging and put you in an impossible situation.”
“Well, I’m not exactly ecstatic about it. But I’ll make it work.”
“The thing about you, Charlie, is I know you will make it work.”
“I’m sorry though. It’s the one thing you begged me never to do. Repeat Ben’s mistakes.”
“It’s different this time. I had no right to put that kind of constraint on you. Just because I had kids really young doesn’t mean you or Ben can’t have them early or late or whenever you choose to have them. You are now and always will be free to follow your own path in life.”
“Except I’m not exactly free now. That’s the reason why I wanted to wait.”
“No, but at least you see that.”
“I really thought you’d be angry with me. Or, at the very least, disappointed.”
“No. And we’ll help you, Charlie. That’s my official response.”
“No. I gotta figure this out for myself. It’s not like you aren’t already helping me by spending thousands on my school. So, no. This is strictly on us. And we have to start making it strictly about us.”
He squeezed Charlie’s shoulder. “You have built-in advantages you’ve never taken for granted. Of course, we intend to help you and you’re going to need all the help we can give you. So just accept that and appreciate it.”
“I won’t.” His heart felt heavy, and it would have been easier if his dad, known for his quick temper and opinions, wasn’t so damn kind, considerate, and understanding. Not what Charlie expected at all.
Jack walked over to the stall where his horse, Augusta, was standing. He rubbed her head and stared at her for a long moment. Then he turned to Charlie. “Um… well, as long as we’re confessing difficult announcements. I have one too.”
“You have one?” Charlie blinked in surprise. “What?” He was wondering more, however, why his dad became so nervous. What was that about?
“It’s going to make all of this even weirder. Believe me, I get that and I’m sorry too.”
“What is it?”
“Ah… well you know how much Erin struggled with reading and her self-confidence…”
“Uh huh.” It changed Charlie’s whole perspective and gave him his first lesson in learning disabilities. He realized his own empathy when others failed to achieve the standard norms of education even if they appeared totally typical. That intimate knowledge also made him a better person, or so he believed. Born with a curious mind that easily grasped and absorbed all he read and was exposed to, Charlie never had to try to get straight As. When he saw how Erin struggled, however, he was exposed to a whole dimension of education he never knew existed. He became very patient and kind to anyone with a learning disability for that reason.
“Well, for the past decade, that was her main goal and what kept her from wanting… well, lots of things. And also you. She considers you her own child in so many ways…”
“Yeah. I know. What is this, Dad? I mean, Erin and I are good, so why are yo
u defending her to me, of all people?”
Jack sucked in a breath and his gaze darted off… Was his dad embarrassed? Maybe, his complexion under the barn lights seemed to be turning red. “She’s pregnant too.”
He stared at his dad and his mouth dropped open.
Jack immediately started talking. “I know it’s… it’s a lot to take in. It must be kind of gross for you. I mean, you and Ben are grown men and I’m your dad… well, yeah. Even I ask myself what the hell am I doing starting over? Again? I can’t even imagine it—”
“Was it an accident?” Charlie’s initial shock wore off long enough for a few words to form on his tongue.
Jack hung his head, whipping his hat off and twirling it nervously in his hands. “No. No it wasn’t any accident. She asked me two years ago, subsequent to my recovery and somewhat reclusive behavior after the fire—”
“Depression, Dad. You fell into a deep depression. It’s nothing to be ashamed of,” Charlie added quietly. His dad, ever the weathered, old cowboy, found it hard to admit any weakness. He temporarily lost control of his emotions and moods when the fire destroyed their property. Nearly debilitated to everyone around him, it affected his marriage as well as his relationships with his brothers and sons. He could never apologize enough to Charlie for the two years it lasted. But Charlie had long ago forgiven him, and he credited that to Erin’s influence, love, and guidance. In short, her mothering of him.
“I guess. Anyway, she asked me, and I said no at first. Really? Starting all over? I’m almost fifty freaking years old.”
“But she’s not that old and she’s never really been a mother. Not from the start.”
“No.” His tone turned glum. “I realize that. I know how much it means for her to get where she feels ready and wants to do it. It was too hard for me to deny her that. Sometimes, I like the idea. Other times, I feel so odd and detached. I mean, I’m finally done with parenthood. Free. I can enjoy myself and do the things I never did and then… I think about starting over…”
He shook his head. “Dad, when have you ever wanted any free time? You only thrive when you have too much to do and too many people relying on you. That’s what makes you, you.”