by Leanne Davis
“Okay?”
“Yes. I don’t want… I can’t stand the thought of losing you, so how could I want that? I’ll find a way to wait. And do more than just bide my time. I will try to find a way to fill my life so full that I can’t sabotage ours again.”
He wilted, his head falling forward into her lap and startling her. She dropped her hands into his hair. He spoke on her jeans-clad leg. “I thought you might not choose this. Us.”
Her hands stilled their stroking. “You really thought I would end it with you?”
He nodded, his lungs releasing the carbon dioxide as his racing heart started to slow down. “I really thought that.” He tipped his head up to stare at her. “You have no idea how much I love you, do you? I wonder if you will ever see it and believe it and feel it. My temporary rejection of certain life benchmarks right now is no reflection of how I feel for you. My heart still belongs to you.”
Her face crumpled up and tears, real ones, filled her eyes. For once, she started to cry very hard. Her sobs emerged from her mouth like a howl from a wolf. Natural, instinctive, and ridiculously chilling. “I’m so sad. And I don’t know how to be that with you, but you are now and always the only one I want.”
“Then be sad. Cry on me. I can handle it, Cami. I won’t try to fix it or make it go away faster than you’re ready, okay? I’ll just be here for you.”
He rose up and quickly took her in his arms, pulling her against his chest and hugging her to him. He was stroking her hair and letting her cry. She sobbed against him until her choking and shuddering grew more intermittent. It was a long while before she let go of him and wiped her wet eyes. “Round twenty?”
“Yeah,” he said while brushing his thumbs across her wet cheeks. “And it might get to round one hundred too. But it’s far better than zero rounds. That would mean we aren’t even in the game anymore.”
She held his hand. “So, we’re still in the game.”
“Yes. But I think it needs to change if we’re going to make it to the final round.”
Her face brightened with a smile. “Sports metaphors for the only two people in the world who never played a team sport.”
Finally, he started to laugh, too, and they gripped each other in a warm, tight hug. It was the first genuine one they shared in a long time. She wasn’t being comforted or having her sorrow soothed, and he wasn’t mad or trying to deal with his anger.
Nothing was solved but the insistence on honesty changed everything. They started slowly. Going on a few dates and being alone, without Jacob as a buffer. They tried to reconnect. Their time together purposefully avoided the deeper, darker issues that plagued them. And it helped.
****
Cuddling on her bed a few weeks later, Cami commented, “Your dad must be thrilled with your plans of being an international graduate student. From River’s End to… where exactly are you going again? I’m sure I block it out on purpose as if it can protect me from you going.”
“Hamburg, Northern Germany. It’s about two hours from Berlin.”
She whistled. “See? So continental. None of us can say the same.”
“You know how much I worry about going. I made arrangements before…”
“Yes, I know. Before I miscarried.” She smiled, being careful not to add that he did it without her knowledge or input. As usual, Charlie was planning his own future. She had no say in any of it even though he insisted he really wanted her in it. Always. Forever. She heard the words he said, and she believed that he believed them.
“I’m not running from you,” he said, tugging his arms tighter around her middle. Nope. Charlie would never have considered running from her, but in the end? It was always the final result anyway.
“I’m going to Everett while you’re gone.”
He stilled his hands and stopped rubbing her. “What?”
She shrugged. “I found something interesting to fill my life with.”
“You did? What is it?”
“I’ll be staying with Jacob’s dad in Everett. I got a job working the night shift in a place that provides housing for at-risk youth. I’m officially the night supervisor, receptionist, baby-sitter, and…”
He twisted her around and stared at her. “How long have you been planning this?”
“You’re right, I need something to do. The only thing I know to do to force me to find something different, is to leave here.”
“You never said a word.”
She shrugged. “Just getting all my ducks in a row.”
“Everett? For real?”
“Yeah.”
“You’ve really arranged all this? I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.” His tone was perplexed, neither angry nor upset, but obviously confused over why she hadn’t said anything. She almost sneered, like you tell me your plans before you make them? No. That wasn’t helpful. Even if it was the truth.
“Maybe I just wanted to make sure it would work out first. My track record for the last few years is pretty lackluster.”
“Cams, you don’t have to be successful or… or I don’t know how to explain it, but you don’t have to hurdle some kind of mental bar for me to love you and want to spend my life with you. You simply being you is the only thing I want to hear about.”
Sure. Right. What did Cami want again? Safety. Security. Home. Family. A baby. No, Charlie didn’t want to hear about that. Cami’s needs had to be shelved again. They didn’t fit in with Charlie’s needs, or follow the path he wanted, so therefore, she had to change and grow up. At last, she was doing that.
“Well, at least I’ll be busy too for once. Especially if I’m working the night shift.”
He squeezed her. “You’ll be amazing. Whatever you set your mind to.”
“I’m kind of average, Charlie, not like you, so don’t start pretending that I am something I’m not. I know what I am. Let me just do it.”
He pressed his lips together. “Be average? Y—you think you are average? Normal? Typical?” His tone of voice nearly erupted into a huge laugh.
Glaring at him, she hissed. “I am. What are you laughing at?”
“Imagining you thinking you’re just average. Are you all sweetie-pie cute and nice too?” He laughed out loud then. “You’re moody and totally exasperating, and difficult and mysterious and devilishly smart. So, don’t even try throwing that average crap at me. You’re incredible and you have kept me guessing and confused and hungering after you for nearly four-and-a-half years now.”
Cami’s heart melted and his kind words lulled her towards him. “You play dirty, with all your sweet talk.”
“Yeah, because sweet-talking you is admitting how perplexing I find you.”
“Uh huh.” A secretive smile touched her lips. “It kind of is.”
He roared out loud and twirled her around, hugging her body to him. “Ah, Cami, I freaking adore you.”
Cami abandoned her anger, which was usually brewing, when he nuzzled her neck. “You’re just trying to get lucky,” she giggled, tilting her head back.
He froze, and his nuzzling stopped as he lifted his head off hers, meeting her gaze. Weariness suddenly overcame him, and his eyelids grew heavy. “Maybe.”
They hadn’t approached the subject of sex since she first got pregnant. The last time they had sex was probably when she conceived and that was sometime around last Christmas. It could have been forever for them. She froze and stared at him. What? What did she think of it? What did he think? He hadn’t made any move or mention of sex in all that time.
And hell yes, it contributed to her problem with him and her general, overall anger.
His breathing escalated as he stared into her eyes, as transfixed by her as she was by him. Their breathing seemed to stop and then start again in a long, profound moment. He pulled her closer and she straddled her legs over him as he sat on her bed. Facing each other, they stared some more. Color infused his cheeks. Was he turned on? Freaked out? Embarrassed? It seemed all three at once. His hands intertwined loo
sely at her back.
“Maybe I am, what do you think of that?” His tone was so soft and tender, even if his words were said in jest, they were challenging and flirtatious.
“I think it’s been a long time. I think I’ve been scared and confused and angry and unsure of how to get past all those things and therefore, I was terrified to make the first move.”
“Me too.”
“I thought perhaps you didn’t want to anymore.”
“I thought perhaps,” he flashed the barest of smiles and his hands kneaded her back. His fidgeting gave away his nervousness even if his expression appeared calm and confident. “You didn’t want to.”
“I didn’t want to.”
“I didn’t either.”
“I want to now.” She smiled, staring right into his eyes.
“I do too.” His smile was lopsided, and she leaned forward and touched her lips to his. He grinned too but when their lips touched, their smiles slipped away. Cami’s eyes fluttered shut as she leaned closer and closed the gap between their torsos. Their lips never parted from each other. They alternated ways of kissing and varied the pressure, which soon had her blood heating up and her insides trembling. His hands fell on her back, passing by the hem of her shirt and reaching up under it to touch the warm skin. His palms were planted flat, covering the small area of her back. She sighed and heavenly feelings of desire and warmth flowed through her. Her mouth attacked his and she began brushing her tongue along the seam of his lips and plundering inside whenever he opened them.
Their tongues collided and intertwined. Tilting her head to the side, she deepened the kiss and pulled on Charlie’s head, trying to get closer to him. On and on, their tongues and lips made out. Her heart rate climbed, and her blood rushed, brightening her skin in a pink tinge that reflected her anticipation and energetic excitement. It had been so long. So much had happened and yet she could still feel good things. The precious things she cherished from the hands of Charlie Rydell. A closeness and a sense of warmth filled her with joy and further celebrated and reaffirmed their love. She felt more like a woman. With Charlie, sex was always the most positive and wonderful experience. Before Charlie, however, it was lacking.
His hands moved up her back, passing over her bra strap and climbing up her neck and into her hair. Goose bumps broke out all over her skin wherever his hands roamed. The sensations were so tender and ripe. She pushed her tongue harder into his mouth to express the feelings that were bursting inside her. She grabbed Charlie’s face between her hands and pulled him closer. He kissed her more deeply and they separated for a moment, both of them breathing hard, almost panting, and staring at each other with huge grins. “That’s been… sorely missed,” Charlie said.
She scooched forward so their lower halves met, and he felt hard and warm through their clothes. That made her melt before she leaned into his mouth again. His hands held her head and their tongues slid and tangled together. She felt the beginnings of an orgasm right then, and from just that little bit of attention. It felt so good to her.
His hands unhooked her bra strap with the deft quickness of long practice. It loosened instantly, and his palm slid from her back to the side of her small breast. Placing his fingertips over her nipple, he pulled it towards him and Cami responded to the thrill of her nerves exploding with white-hot pleasure at the strong, yet gentle, touch. He pushed back, and her nipple went hard and beady. It became so tight, it was almost a pleasure-pain, making her groan into his mouth. “Do that some more,” she gasped before her mouth attacked his again. Sinking her tongue into his mouth deeply, she rose up onto her knees until she was higher than Charlie. He had to bend his neck backwards to reach her mouth. She ran her fingers through his hair while his hands manipulated, turned, and rubbed her pebbled nipples.
She grabbed her t-shirt and pulled it up and out of the way, tossing it aside before quickly tugging her bra straps down. His gaze stayed bright and hot on her dark red nipples. Cami lost close to ten pounds after the miscarriage. Weight she didn’t need to lose. Anxiety, nerves and depression killed her appetite and it never returned like it should have. Her ribs were poking out and the small bit of plumpness to her breasts was shriveled up. But Charlie didn’t complain or mention it. With gentle reverence, he caressed her breasts, slipping his fingers between them, tracing her rib cage before dipping down to her concave stomach.
She sighed, and her eyes half closed at the delightful sensations of his hands. Slipping her hands under his shirt, she pushed upwards over the silky warmth of his smooth skin. His stomach muscles contracted instantly at her touch and a shudder ran through his whole body. He disengaged himself from her long enough to shrug out of his shirt. She ran her fingertips down his chest from his neck to his waistband. He mumbled something, and his lips searched her out again, his hands wrapping around her torso to imitate her strokes.
“Charlie?” she said, breaking apart to say his name before she kissed him again.
“Yeah?”
“I’m not using anything for birth control. Since… since… you know.” He lifted his face off hers and she kept kissing the side of his mouth, cheek, chin and neck. He closed his eyes and let her kisses trail down his chest while his hand flexed and he held her.
“It’s okay. I have a condom in my wallet. I mean… that is, if you want to do this.”
“Why?” she lifted her head up. “Why do you still carry them even though we haven’t had sex in seven months?”
He shrugged. “Well, I hoped someday we’d find our way here again.”
She paused and separated briefly so she could look him in the eye. “Yet you never asked me. You didn’t ever try to bring up the subject or even mention it.”
“I believed, and I still do, that it had to come from you.”
Her eyebrows furrowed together until she relaxed and said, “All men should be like you.” She kissed his mouth. “Respectful. Kind. Intuitive. Caring. You make it so easy to fall in love with you and stay in love. In fact, I’m falling even deeper in love with you.”
His mouth pressed into a flat, small smile and he wrapped his arms back around her. He pulled her against his bare chest and her eyes half closed at the sheer joy of having his skin touching hers. At last, they were together again. So special and unique, a connection Cami never felt with any other man. “You’ve always thought I was better than I really am.”
“No.” She leaned back and shook her head. “I hooked up with every wrong guy out there. Every loser and schemer and manipulator and sexual predator. I was so lucky to meet you. If not, I would never have learned how men and women are supposed to interact.”
“I think your dad and Kate may have taught you something about that.”
“Yes. They did. It’s just lucky I didn’t end up… you know, the opposite of where I am.”
“Are you sure you want to do this, then?”
She smiled salaciously. “Oh, I want to. And I’m sure. Now strip down and find your ‘just-in-case condom.’” Rising off her bed, Cami ditched the bottom half of her clothes and quickly went to check that her bedroom door was locked.
When she turned back, Charlie stood there as naked as she. There was no shyness, no awkwardness, and no discomfort. No. They both felt rejuvenated, refreshed, and refurbished again. They stared at each other for a long moment, far longer than they usually did. When she approached him, he leaned forward to start kissing her again. His penis jutted between them impatiently and she slid her hand from around his waist to touch it. It was very firm and warm, not to mention, long and hard as steel. He kissed her deeper when she played with his erection and he shut his eyes, moaning softly a few times in response to her bringing him pleasure. Taking his condom out, she gently rolled it down his eager shaft.
Without rushing, she kept looking and touching, making her body wet with desire and eager anticipation.
She pushed on his shoulder and encouraged him to sit down. He did, and she followed by straddling his lap again. His penis stood
straight up in obvious demand for her. She held onto his shoulders and dipped her lower body over his, rubbing her hot, wet, swollen opening against him. Charlie could only sigh with joy at the singular, delicious sensation.
His hands rested on her waist and his fingers flexed and strained. She was sure his efforts were contrived to make him last longer. She let his penis gently massage her moistness before he slid inside her. Finally, when she could wait no longer, she lowered her hips downwards, slowly and easily, taking him inside inch-by-inch, relishing the familiarity of him after so long, and so much pain and anger. She wasn’t so foolish as to squander the moment. The connection and the peace of finding each other again were an aphrodisiac all its own. Their gazes were fastened on each other when she took him all the way inside her. Cami controlled the pace, since she was practically seated on his lap. She inhaled deeply and felt him in a new and sensuous way. Her eyes widened, and her breath stalled.
His eyes all but rolled back in his head when she moved herself gently over him. So gently while pulling his mouth onto hers and kissing him. They kissed as their bodies moved in tandem, rotating up and down together for several minutes. Cami was on fire and burning feverishly. Going so slow and mechanically only made her pleasure grow. Her eager anticipation pumped hot blood that seeped into every tiny capillary of her body.
Finally, Cami couldn’t take it anymore. With a last push and prod of their joined bodies, she tilted her head back and bounced up and down, going faster as her nipples jiggled to the rhythm of their impassioned, excited, joined bodies. She climbed the crescendo of pleasure as high as her body could reach and her hands grabbed the back of his head. She was anxious to bring his mouth over hers to keep her from screaming out loud. Her emotions were suddenly bright and wonderfully blissful as they flooded her entire body. Heart and soul on fire, Cami finally collapsed against Charlie’s chest, clutching him tightly as he held her steady, ready to burst inside her with his own pulsating, hot orgasm.
No words could describe their joy. Warmth and heat. Skyrockets and flowers. All things beautiful. The wonderful joy fulfilled all of her senses. She lay against his chest for a long while, tilting her head up just enough to kiss his shoulder. At her contact, he turned, his lips searching for hers seeking instantaneous solace. When he finally lifted his head, he whispered. “Still love you, Cami, more than everything.”