by Jim English
He lunges toward you, and you dive into the pool. A moment later, you’re swimming outside. The zombies recoil at the very sight of you. Something about the red pill must automatically repel them!
You scramble out of the pool and start running toward the ferry.
* * *
Turn to this page.
One week later, you’re at a special award ceremony at the Capitol, where you receive the Congressional Medal of Honor. “Thanks to this young man’s ingenuity,” the president says, “our operation on Fire Island was a success. Champagne Toast was captured, the zombies burned into dust, and we’re now building our own army of undead she-male freaks.”
Lance is standing by your side, and he’s incredibly proud of you. You’ve spent the last week sightseeing with him in Washington, D.C.
“With this new army of depraved trannies,” the president continues, “we can cut our military budget by more than 40 percent. This savings will be passed on to the American people in the form of a tax cut that will benefit middle-class families and struggling small businesses.
“Now let’s hear it for gays in the military!” the president exclaims, and the entire room erupts with applause.
Lance looks at you and shrugs. Given the state of our current administration, you guess this is the happiest ending you could expect!
THE END
When you reach the pier, you see the ferryboat is already sailing out toward the mainland. You’re too late!
But then you notice a small rowboat tied to the docks. You scramble down to it, unknot the rope, and begin rowing toward the mainland. You’re not sure what’ll happen to Fire Island, but at least you managed to escape!
THE END
As the captain sails his yacht to safety, the zombies follow on their rafts—but eventually the tides carry them to the mainland, where they proceed to wreak havoc.
A year passes—and your very existence is a miracle. Your family and friends are dead. The entire world has been overrun by zombies. You owe your life to the generosity of the captain, a retired CEO with enough provisions to last a lifetime. He feeds and shelters you in exchange for various “special favors.”
The captain also clothes you, thanks to an extensive costume wardrobe in his quarters. There’s a schoolgirl’s dress, a policeman’s uniform, a Batman getup, even a clown suit. You wear a different outfit every night—it all depends on the captain’s mood—and then participate in wild, demented role-play games.
You never would have guessed that an old man could have so much stamina.
Sometimes you feel like you’re going insane.
You can only wonder how—if you’d made smarter choices—the world might be a better place.
THE END
“Sorry, boys,” you tell them, “but this is my vacation. I’m not ready to commit to anyone just yet.”
You head downstairs alone and wander out to the beach—where an approaching naval ship catches your attention. Several sailors on the boat wave to you, and they congratulate you on saving Fire Island.
“We just heard the news, and we’re celebrating!” one of them calls out. “Why don’t you come aboard, and we’ll mix you a Cosmo!”
Why not, indeed? It seems like your ship has finally come in—so you jump into the water and swim out to meet it.
THE END
About the Author
* * *
JAMES H. ENGLISH is 5’11”, 32 years old, single, and a resident of Queens, New York. He enjoys hot men, making ice cream, and tormenting the living in new and creative ways.
About the Illustrator
* * *
PAMELA HOBBS resides in London and insists that most English people are not like the characters in an Austin Powers film. She can be contacted via her website, www.pamorama.com.
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