“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” I laughed derisively. “Do you want the truth or do you just want to believe I’m an asshole?”
“If you weren’t fucking her what were you doing?”
“Do you really want to know or are you simply going to keep accusing me of being a liar and a cheat?”
Her jaw tightened. “I’d like to hear what you have to say.”
“What I have to say is the truth, but it won’t be worth wasting my breath if you’re just going to accuse me of lying.” At least I knew why she ran off and ignored my calls. But it irked that she believed I’d sleep with her while engaged to someone else.
She cocked and her brows lifted in an “I’m listening” signal.
“Our parents want us to get married—”
“See! Engaged.”
“Do you want the truth or not?” I bellowed wondering how thick her office walls were. Were her colleagues overhearing this? Not that I cared, but she might.
“Fine.” She crossed her arms over her chest.
“Our parents think they live in the eighteenth century, and have plotted for me to marry Evie practically since birth. But—" I held up my hand to stop her from interrupting again. “Evie and I don’t want to get married. We’re friends. That’s it. We’ve spent the last five or six years—”
“So, the last time we were together you were engaged to her.”
“Jesus fucking Christ, Serena, are you listening to me? We’re not engaged. Neither Evie nor I want to get married. I met with her at the party because even after five years being gone, our parents are still trying to arrange a marriage that we don’t want, and we’re trying to figure out how to make them stop.”
She studied me with hard eyes and I got the sense she didn’t believe me. “Why not?”
“Why not what?”
“Why don’t you want to marry her?”
“I don’t love her. Evie and I have been friends forever but that’s it. Neither of us has been attracted to the other. Ever,” I explained in case she wondered about my history with Evie. “To be honest, I’d nearly forgotten about this betrothal during my time away. But once I got back to New York, my mother was all over me about it. She’s threatened to disinherit me—” I stopped because there was no reason for Serena to know that.
“Oh well, I can’t imagine you’d be able to survive without your bazillions of dollars so you’ll have to marry her.”
The anger dissipated and instead was replaced by sadness, hurt, and an acceptance that Serena wasn’t the woman she’d been before. My trying to find the joy and happiness we had before was unrealistic.
“Don’t worry about me. I’m competent. I’ll do just fine if they disinherit me for not marrying Evie, because whatever happens here, between you and me, won’t change the fact that I’m not marrying her. Ever.”
She looked down, her finger running mindlessly over a paper on her desk. I was dying to know what was running through her head.
“Be honest with me, Serena. If you hadn’t thought I was engaged, would you have shown up at the bed and breakfast after my parents’ party?”
She swallowed, and I could see she didn’t want to answer.
It was time to stop pushing her hoping she’d be open to me. “Well, I suppose it doesn’t matter now. The fact that you think I’m capable of lying and cheating says a lot.”
Her eyes snapped up, and heat flashed in them. “I’m not the bad guy.”
I laughed. “You accusing me of something I didn’t do makes me the bad guy? I can’t seem to win.” I sucked in a deep breath and readied myself to walk out; to walk away from Serena forever. “I’m a fucking pussy. Do you know how much I thought about you the five years I was gone? How much time I’ve wasted over the last several weeks trying to figure out how to reach you?”
Her breath hitched.
“Why?” I shrugged. “For the life of me, I can’t figure out why I’ve been trying so hard when from the start you were clear you didn’t want to be around me. Ah sure, I’m a good fuck in private where no one could know, but for some reason I’m not good enough.” I shook my head. “It’s quite humbling.” I held a hand up before she could speak. “Don’t tell me I’ll get over it. I know you want to. I get now what sort of man you think I am.” Why was I still there? The longer I stayed, the bigger putz I became. To save my pride, I turned and started to the door.
“Devin.” She reached the door before I could open it. I saw regret in her eyes along with something else. It was that something else that kept getting in our way.
“What else was I supposed to think?” she asked.
I rested my palm against the door as I looked into her blue eyes. “Oh, I don’t know…maybe you could trust me. At the very least you could ask me. Or tell me off that night. I should have known when you ran off that it was over. Running away without a word is your M.O.”
She looked down again. At least she seemed to feel some shame over her behavior.
“Look just tell me you don’t want to be with me. Believe it or not, it’s not the first time I’ve heard it,” I said.
“It’s not that.”
“Then what is it, Serena, because I’m tired of feeling like a sad sap.”
“Your family—”
“Leave them out of this. What they want or think doesn’t matter. Not to me.”
“But your family legacy—”
“Fuck it. It’s not worth it to me to live their life just for money. They know it too. I told them I could walk away. If I have to marry Evie to stay in the family, then I’m leaving it. If they don’t like how I live my life, then I’ll walk away.” I shrugged because I couldn’t figure out what to say or do to make her see. “Five years ago, I met a woman who inspired me to live my life. At the time I hadn’t been brave or confident enough to tell my parents I wasn’t going to Europe so I could stay with her. Five years later I am. Unfortunately for me, that woman doesn’t want to be with me.”
“Devin.” Her voice was soft, and I could see I was reaching her. Of course, we’d been here before. I didn’t want to keep playing this game where we’d have a fight, come together, and then she’d put up barriers again.
“Tell me to leave, Serena. I don’t want to continue like this, but I can’t seem to quit you on my own. You need to tell me.”
She shook her head. “I can’t.”
I closed my eyes feeling both relieved and yet tormented. “Then tell me what you do want.”
“You.” Her voice was so quiet, I wasn’t sure I heard right.
I stared into her eyes hoping to see if I could find meaning there. Our gazes held, and I felt that pull she had over me. Like my heart was tethered to hers and pulling me to her.
Her hand went to my cheek and I got the sense that she was feeling the same as I was. That there was something special between us and being terrified of it.
I gave in to the pull, leaning towards her.
“I could be fired,” she said softly.
“What? Why?”
“You’re a client.”
That stopped me. “Is that why you’ve run hot and cold?”
She gave a noncommittal shrug.
“Do you want to be with me?” I asked.
She nodded.
I wanted to assure her that I wouldn’t let her get fired or suffer financially if she was, but I also knew that wasn’t the right response. She was a strong independent woman. She wouldn’t want to be rescued by a man.
“What can I do?” I asked.
“You could kiss me.”
I didn’t need to be asked twice. And when she pushed the button locking her door, I knew she was mine. Maybe not forever. Maybe not even tomorrow. But right now, she was mine.
13
Serena
Here I was again. Like the movie Groundhog Day, I was reliving the same scenario over and over. When I was on the verge of finally ending things with Devin, I found the prospect of never seeing him again too difficult to fathom, and so I reache
d for him, giving in to my need for him. My brain was telling me I was playing a cruel and dangerous game, but my chest was thick with need and emotion that was more compelling than the warning bells ringing in my head.
His lips covered mine, and immediately I sank into him. Giving all of myself to him. Outside the door, my boss and colleagues were going about their day. At home, my mother was watching Andrew. But in this moment, all I could focus on was Devin and how much I wanted him.
Why did I need him so much? Why wasn’t I strong enough to say no when he was standing in front of me? Was it those magnificent green eyes staring at me with pain and confusion that made me feel like a beast for pushing him away? Was it the way that he always deferred to me? He’d have walked out, I have no doubt. He wasn’t pushing or pressuring me. Maybe if he did, I’d be able to resist.
His hands slid around my back and pulled me tight against him. His erection grew hard against my belly and a whole new need washed through me. It flowed through my bloodstream, awaking every nerve in my body.
“I want you,” he whispered harshly in my ear as he ground his dick against me.
I gripped his tie and pulled him away from the door.
“Here?” His brows rose in surprise.
“Don’t tell me you’ve never had sex in your office.”
His cheeks flushed. “I thought we had to worry about your job.”
“We do. It will add to the thrill, don’t you think?”
He grinned wickedly. “Can you keep from screaming my name?” His hands gripped my hips and pushed me against my desk.
“I guess we’ll find out.” I had his tie undone and was pressing my hands over his hard, hot chest.
His fingers undid the buttons of my blouse and unclasped the front hook of my bra. My breasts fell loose and he groaned.
“I love your tits, Serena.” He held one and bent his head, sucking the nipple deep into his mouth.
I moaned and my pussy squeezed tight in response to his lips and teeth sucking and licking and nipping.
My hands shook as I hurried to get his dick free from his pants.
We grasped, grabbed, tugged, all in a flurry of movement until finally he was sheathed in a condom and plunging that hard, thick cock inside me.
I bit my lip to keep from crying out at the exquisite pleasure of his filling me.
He buried his face in the crook of my neck and groaned. “You feel so fucking good.”
I wrapped my legs around his hips, my arms around his neck. I wished I could hold him there forever.
His hips pulled back and then thrust forward, making me gasp.
“Devin.” My pussy was on fire.
He withdrew and plunged again, holding himself against me.
“Don’t stop. Don’t ever stop.” My hips rocked and my thighs shook as need consumed me.
“Never,” he growled as he moved, this time in a strong steady rhythm.
“Yes, yes, yes…” Like a mantra, the words flowed from my lips as pleasure built and built, coiling tighter and tighter until I was sure I’d come apart.
His fingers gripped my hips. “I’m coming…” He groaned against my breast as his paced became frantic, frenetic. He was gasping, his face contorted into that mix of pleasure and pain brought on by good, hard sex.
He tilted my hips, and plunged in again, grinding against me and hitting that one delicious spot inside me. Everything around me imploded and then burst like a supernova, stealing my breath.
He withdrew and plunged again, this time with a feral growl as he let loose his own orgasm. We moved together, drawing out the pleasure, until finally spent, he dropped his head to my shoulder.
I held on to him like I wasn’t quite tethered to the earth and he was the anchor. Devin was the only man I’d ever been with, and it seemed like every time, even five years ago, it was intense and explosive, like this. I wondered if it was like this for everyone. I wanted to think we were special, except that was dangerous. Nothing had changed. I was still deceiving him. We still couldn’t be together, at least not as a regular couple. Aside from my lie, was the fact that I could be fired.
I wished I could put all these thoughts off for a time so I could enjoy the afterglow of his touch.
“Stop thinking,” he murmured against my lips.
“I can’t help it.”
He lifted his head. “I don’t want you to risk your job. We’ll think of something. Just don’t withdraw from me.”
I nodded, even though I could feel the barriers rising again. I’d been so consumed by whether he and his family was good enough for Andrew, but in that moment, I realized that perhaps I wasn’t the one good enough for him. He kept giving and being patient, and I kept reaching for him and then pushing him away. I was essentially leading him on. I was the worst.
“Can you have dinner with me tonight?”
I shook my head. “I’m sorry. I have…” A son. Your son. “Other plans.”
His green eyes bore into mine like he was trying to decide if I was brushing him off again. “How about this weekend?”
“Plans.” I didn’t have plans except to spend it with Andrew. When I wasn’t working an event, I always made sure to spend my free days with Andrew. So I was lying again. I really was a terrible person.
He dropped his head and then started to pull away.
I cradled his cheeks in my palms. “Can I call you when I’ve time?”
“Will you have time?”
I sighed. “My life is different than it was five years ago. I have more responsibilities and obligations.”
“And what about you? Surely you can make time for you.” He shook his head. “I don’t want to be another one of your obligations.”
“It’s not like that. My life is so…complicated.” I could feel tears coming. Despite my wanting to be with him, the gargantuan issues were a chasm I couldn’t cross.
He let out a breath and stepped away, tossing the condom and pulling up his pants. “I’m willing to do what it takes to spend time with you, but I don’t know what that is. You’re hiding something from me or won’t let me in, and I don’t know how to overcome that.”
I slid from the desk. “I have lunch breaks.”
I was desperate to have him even though it was cruel. I could see in his eyes the pain I was causing. I hated myself for that. It was time to just come clean. I needed to tell him about Andrew and then let the chips fall where they may.
“I have been keeping—” The phone on my desk buzzed. I closed my eyes, hating the interruption. “Just a minute.” I reached over and picked up the phone. “Serena Moore.”
“Rena, is Mr. Roarke still with you?” Nikita asked.
I looked over at him. “Yes.”
“Really? Is he hiring you for an engagement party?”
“Ah…no.” I wasn’t quick enough to come up with some other excuse.
“What are you talking about then?”
“He’s just getting ready to leave,” I said hoping to avoid coming up with yet another lie.
He stared at me with a mixture of annoyance although I wasn’t sure if it was at me or himself for letting me hook and release him again.
“Have him wait. I want to go over some of the St. Patrick's plans with him.”
I covered the mouthpiece. “Nikita wants to talk to you about the St. Patrick's event.”
He nodded, even though I could see he’d rather get the hell out.
“Okay.” I hung up and straightened my clothes. “Nikita is on her way here.” I walked to him. “Maybe next time we can do this in your office.”
He quirked a brow. “I thought you didn’t want people to know.”
I shrugged. “We could say it has to do with party plans.”
His shoulders relaxed slightly. “I wish I could figure you out.”
“I don’t know. I think you know me pretty well.” I waggled my brows.
His lips twitched upward. “I know your body and what turns you on. But I wish I knew what was go
ing on up here.” He pressed a kiss to my temple. “Fortunately, I’m a patient man.”
I hugged him so he couldn’t see my face. The truth was, patience didn’t matter. This couldn’t last and my drawing it out was bad for both of us. I had no doubt that this was going to end spectacularly badly. But even knowing that, I couldn’t do the right thing. If I was a braver person, I’d tell him the truth. If I was a stronger person, I’d walk away.
Instead, I gave him a quick kiss and then unlocked my door. I gave the room a quick once over, as well as our clothes to make sure Nikita wouldn’t be able to detect what we’d done on my desk.
I sat in on the impromptu meeting Nikita had with Devin. It was short because he seemed happy with everything she’d put together.
“If I was ten years younger, I’d jump him,” she said standing next to me as we watched him leave, walking through the office to the elevator.
“He’s a client.”
“I wouldn’t care.” She looked at me with a grin. “Some things are more important. I imagine he’s really good in the sack.”
You have no idea, I thought.
“I feel sorry for him though,” she said.
“Really? Why?”
“His life isn’t really his.”
I frowned at her. “What do you mean?”
“I bet no one asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up because his future was already decided. He had no choice but to go into the family business.”
He’d said similar things, but I’d gotten the impression that he was trying to carve his own life now. Didn’t he say he’d leave his family before he’d marry the woman they’d picked?
“Have you ever met his mother?”
I shook my head. I wondered what number of lie that was. I seemed to be telling them at an increasing pace.
“She’s a piece of work. We’re lucky she’s preoccupied with his father, because she was always a challenge. You’ll notice how happy I was that you were tapped for the anniversary party. She’s domineering and runs that family with a clenched fist.”
“I didn’t have to deal with her,” I said.
“Good. She’d have sent you running and screaming to a new career.”
An Irish Affair (Heart 0f Hope Book 2) Page 10