“Is what true?” Andrew asked.
“Oh dear.” Mrs. Moore’s gaze darted from me to her husband to Serena. They all settled on Andrew. “Sweetie, let’s go to the park. You too, Graham.”
“I’m right behind you,” he said.
“We just got back from the park. I want to see Devin.” Andrew held my legs tighter.
“Let’s get ice cream,” Mr. Moore held his hand out. “Come on Andrew. Your mom needs to talk to Devin, here.”
“Can I see you later?” Andrew looked up at me.
My son. Jesus. I could barely breathe. “Yes. Of course.”
He released my leg, and with Mr. and Mrs. Moore, he left the apartment.
My brain was still whirling as I looked at Serena. The guilt on her face said it all. The more I stared at her, the angrier I got.
“Why?” I couldn’t seem to form a coherent sentence. My words were lost in the anger and shock and pain.
She stepped to me, reaching her hands out. I stepped back from her. Repulsed by the idea that she’d keep something like this from me.
She stopped and looked down. “I was going to tell you, but the time was never right?”
“Don’t lie to me!”
Her head shook. “I’m not. I was going to tell you the night we got back from Washington, but your mom called—”
“You could have told me but decided to fuck me instead. Same for all those times at the beach house too. Don’t tell me you couldn’t have told me sooner. Jesus, I can’t believe this.” I raked my fingers through my hair, feeling like I wanted to throttle something. Everything about her started to fall in place. I whirled on her. “You weren’t going to tell me at all, were you?”
“I was. I was going to—”
“No. That’s why you tried to avoid me in the beginning, isn’t it? You wanted me to stay away so I wouldn’t ever know my own son. God…Serena…how could you?”
She was crying now but I had no sympathy. “I was afraid.”
“Bullshit.”
“I was.”
“You didn’t even tell me you were pregnant. Why not? You think I’m that much of a dick that you didn’t tell me.”
“I don’t think you’re a dick. I think you’re wonderful. I love you—”
“Bullshit. If you loved me, you’d have never, ever, kept this from me. Who does that? Who finds out they’re pregnant and doesn’t tell the father?”
Her voice pitched up in desperation. “I wanted to, really I did. You changed your number. I couldn’t find you.”
“My parents live in New York. They knew where I was. How to reach me.”
It looked as if all the air left her as she sagged to a chair. “She wouldn’t let me.”
“What?”
She wiped her tears. “I went to your mother. She said you couldn’t ever know. She offered me money.” She launched out of the chair. “I didn’t take it, Devin. I didn’t take one cent from her.”
I thought my heart was broken, but now it was decimated. I didn’t want to believe my mother would do this, and yet, deep down, I knew she would.
It was my turn to feel like I had no life in me. I sagged against the wall. “Why didn’t you tell me when I got back.”
“I was afraid of losing him. Of how your mother might treat him. Then I was afraid of this. Your anger and hurt.”
“You’re damn right I’m angry and hurt. What were you going to do Serena? Let me believe he wasn’t mine?”
“I was going to tell you. Honest, Devin. I was. Today at lunch was going to be my next attempt.”
“So, it’s my fault? It’s my mother and my fault that I missed four years of my son’s life.”
She only stared at me.
I shook my head as I took in the woman that I thought I knew. The woman I was beginning to think I might spend my life with. “I used to think you were different. Beyond all the bullshit. But you’re not.”
“What are you going to do?” she asked.
Good question. “Does he know?”
She shook her head. “No. I was waiting for you. We could tell him together.”
I didn’t want to do anything with her, but I had enough common sense to know that she was Andrew’s center. She’d need to be involved.
“I’m going to get a lawyer and fight for my son.”
She pressed her hands over her heart. “I’m not going to keep him from you.”
“You already have, Serena.”
She rushed to me, and this time I couldn’t stop her from grabbing my arms. “Please don’t take him from me. I know I was wrong. So wrong. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost him.”
I scoffed. “There you go again, thinking I’m a monster. I can’t stand to be with you right now, but I know he needs you. I wouldn’t take that from him. But I’m not going to let you keep him from me any longer.”
“Yes. Of course.” She sniffed, releasing my arms. When she looked at me, I saw pleading in her eyes. “Please don’t let your mother hurt him. I know she’ll have unkind things to say about me, but please don’t let her do that to him.”
“I won’t.” The room started to feel small and my instinct was to run away. But I had a son. “I want him to visit me.”
She nodded. “Okay.”
“Tomorrow. I want him to meet my family and take his rightful place as a Roarke.”
She flinched.
“I have an extra room at my place. I’ll fix it up for him. Right now, I’m at my parents. He needs to know his family.”
She nodded. “I’ll have him ready, but…except for my parents, he’s never been away from me.”
“If he gets scared, I’ll bring him home.”
“Thank you.”
The door opened and her parents walked in. The way their eyes darted between us, I could see they were assessing the situation. Her mother was the first to recognize that what Serena and I had was gone. She rushed to Serena and hugged her.
Mr. Moore’s eyes narrowed toward me. “Now son, I know she hurt you—”
“You don’t know the first thing about what I feel.” I had no reason to want to impress her parents. Not anymore.
Andrew’s eyebrows arched up in surprise. “Are you mad?” He looked around the room stopping at Serena. “Did you hurt my mommy?”
“No, I—”
Andrew drew his fist back and punched me in the thigh. “You don’t hurt my mommy.”
“Andrew!” Serena rushed to him, kneeling down to hug him. “Mommy is okay.”
“You’re crying. Why are you crying?” His little lip quivered and I hated that I was the one coming out to be the bad guy.
She stayed on her knees as she leaned back to look at him. “Because I did a terrible thing and I feel really bad about it. I hurt Devin. He has a right to be mad.”
Andrew narrowed his eyes as he glanced at me.
“You need to tell him,” my mother said. “Graham, let’s go in the kitchen.”
“Let me grab my whiskey first.” Graham grabbed his bottle and disappeared in the kitchen.
Serena stood and took Andrew’s hand leading him to the living room. “Sit on the couch, baby. I…we have something to tell you.”
“Is Devin leaving us?” This time when he looked at me, sadness filled his eyes.
“I’m never leaving you, Andrew. Not ever.” Holy hell, I was a father.
“See. It’s going to be fine.” She smiled and I had to hand it to her, she sure seemed to know how to pull it together for the boy. She sat on the coffee table and motioned me to sit next to her.
“What’s going on?” he asked, and I hated how worried he seemed.
“Remember when you asked about your dad?”
He nodded.
“I wasn’t completely truthful.”
His head tilted to the side. “Why?”
“I don’t have a good reason, but I’m going to tell you the truth now, okay?” She held his hands, pulling one to her lips and kissing them.
“Okay.
” Again, he looked from me to Serena again.
“Baby, Devin is your daddy.”
I tried to smile which was hard because inside I felt like a fucking mess.
“My new daddy?”
“No honey. He’s your real daddy.”
He looked at me. “Where were you?”
I looked at Serena as resentment built. He blamed me for all this.
“Andrew, look at me, baby.” She squeezed his hands. “He didn’t know about you. I didn’t tell him. That’s why he wasn’t here. But now he knows and he’s here.”
He still looked confused and I hoped this wasn’t going to mess up our relationship.
“He wants to spend time with you. He wants to be your daddy.” She nodded and smiled like she was willing Andrew to be happy about this.
“Does he love me?”
Fuck he was talking like I wasn’t there.
“Yes, son. I love you so much.” That had been the strangest part of all this. I’d cared for him when he was just Serena’s son, but hearing he was mine; it was like my heart doubled in size.
He looked at me with apprehension. “Can I call you Daddy?”
Jesus…make that quadrupled in size. I covered my heart with my hand. “Yes. I’d love it if you did.”
23
Serena
I was broken. My heart. My soul. When I walked into my parents’ apartment that afternoon and saw Devin and realized he knew about being Andrew’s father, I felt my entire world crumble. I wanted to go back and do it all over again. But now it was too late.
I wanted to beg him to forgive me, but I could see in his eyes that I’d hurt him too badly. He was broken too. He was devastated and it was my fault. I’d been a selfish bitch, only worried about my feelings and protecting Andrew. I hadn’t seriously considered Devin’s feelings. The truth was, I didn’t deserve him. The entirety of our relationship I’d been selfish and hurtful.
But Andrew did deserve him, and so I’d need to do whatever I could to support their relationship.
“Devin would like you to go stay with him for a day tomorrow,” I said. I was trying so hard to be strong and positive for Andrew, but it was so hard. Inside, I was completely undone.
Andrew looked from Devin to me. “Do I have to sleep there?”
“A sleepover will be fun,” Devin said.
“Where will I sleep?”
“I’ll have a bed for you. Your own room. I can hang airplanes if you want.” Devin remembered Andrew wanting his planes hung. See, he was good dad material even before he knew he was a dad.
“What about my toys?” Andrew’s expression was apprehensive and I worried how Devin might interpret that.
“We’ll pack some of your favorites,” I said.
Andrew scooted off the couch and pressed against me. He looked up at me with his big blue eyes. “Will you be there too?”
I shook my head. “This is time with your dad.”
“What if I get scared?”
I glanced at Devin, who had resentment toward me in his eyes. I couldn’t blame him. Andrew was nervous about being with his own father. That was my fault.
“Then you tell Devin—ah…your dad, and he’ll help you.”
Andrew snuggled closer to me as he looked up at Devin. “Are you going to live with us now? Mommies and daddies live together.”
My heart stuttered in my chest as that dream fluttered away.
“Not all mommies and daddies live together,” I somehow managed. “Some of them have two homes. And Devin…your dad has a mommy and daddy, and a sister.”
“Are they nice?”
I looked away because I was terrified that they wouldn’t be.
“I’ll make sure they are,” Devin said.
Andrew shrugged. “Okay.”
“I know you’ll have fun,” I said. “Why don’t you go in the kitchen with Grandma and Grandpa, so Devin and I can finish our talk.”
“’kay.” Andrew started past me. When he got to Devin he stopped. “Do you like to play Go Fish?”
Devin smiled. “I haven’t played in a long time.”
“I’ll show you how. I’m good at it.”
“I bet you are.”
Andrew reached out and hugged Devin. Devin buried his face against Andrew. It was beautiful to see, even as it made me feel worse.
Andrew ran off to the kitchen. The minute he was out of the room, Devin jumped up and moved away, like he couldn’t put distance between us fast enough.
“I’m sorry, Devin.” The words were so inadequate, and yet I couldn’t think of anything else to say. I desperately wanted to find the words that would allow him to forgive me, but those words didn’t exist.
He held his hand up. “Don’t. Your words are worthless.”
I nodded. His words were like a knife to my heart. He paced for a moment. “When can I come get him tomorrow?”
“I can bring him to your place. Nine or so?”
He looked at me with such pain and loathing, I wanted to shrivel and disappear.
“You still don’t think I can—”
I shook my head. “It’s not a reflection of you. I think it would be an easier transition for Andrew if I bring him to you. That’s all.”
He gave a curt nod. “Fine. My parents’ house. Nine tomorrow.”
“Yes. Okay.”
He stared at me for a moment. “I thought I knew you.”
My lips quivered and tears streamed down my face. “I’m sorry. I really am.” I looked down as the shame became too difficult to bear.
“Why? Jesus…why Serena?”
The pain in his voice had me breaking.
“At first I was afraid. I knew I needed to tell you, but the longer time went the harder it was.”
“That makes no sense.”
“I was trying to find a way to tell you that wouldn’t destroy your feelings for me.”
His jaw tightened. “You should have told me from the beginning. I should have known you were pregnant.”
I wondered what he would have done. Would he have come back to New York? Would he have insisted I go Europe with him? At that time, he wasn’t standing up to his mother.
He put his hands on his hips. “If you’d come to Europe with me, I’d have known.” He said as if he’d just realized it. “Did you know you were pregnant and that’s why you didn’t come? Because your parents certainly didn’t talk you out of coming. They were clueless about that.”
“Your mother talked me out of going with you.” I wondered if I should have kept that to myself. This was my fault, and while she played a role, in the end, all this was on me.
“You lie. Do you lie about everything?”
“I’m not lying.”
His expression was disbelieving as he stared at me. “She didn’t even know about you. How could she talk you out of going?”
I inhaled a breath, trying to gather strength before I wilted into a pile of ash. “She came to my dorm room. She told me you were leading me on—”
“And you believed her.”
“She told me you were spending time with other women. She showed me a picture of you and Evie. It was clear you two were close.” I sank into the nearest chair.
“I told you about me and Evie.”
“Recently, but back then—”
“You could have asked.”
“I could have,” I admitted. “I was a twenty-one-year-old girl from a regular family, swept up by you.” I looked up at him. “I thought you were too good to be true. I was afraid to take the risk that your mom was right. How would I get home if it didn’t work out?”
“And when you found out you were pregnant?” He crossed his arms looking down on me with harsh eyes.
“I told you. I went to your mom and she said you never mentioned me and so I couldn’t be important. You had a future that couldn’t be ruined by the likes of me. She offered me money to go away.”
“Fuck.” He turned away. I hoped his reaction meant that he believed me. “Wh
at about when we met up again? You could have told me then.”
“I should have. My reasoning for not telling you made sense at the time—”
“Like what?” he demanded. “What possible excuse is reasonable to keep me from knowing I’m a father.”
“Protecting Andrew.”
“From me?”
“From your mother. And I was afraid I’d lose him. I was going to tell you, Devin. I really was. I was just too late. I know there is nothing I can say or do that will have you forgive me, but I need you to know—”
“Need me to know? Now you have something I need to know.”
I looked down, because he was right. I was offering too little, too late. Finally, I stood and moved to stand in front of him. I’d say this looking into his hurt, sad, angry green eyes.
“I love you.”
He scoffed. “Excuse me if I don’t believe you.”
I nodded, knowing I had to accept that.
“I have to leave,” he said.
“Andrew,” I called out.
Andrew ran through the kitchen door.
“Dev—your dad has to go.”
Devin squatted down Andrew’s level. “I’ll see you tomorrow. We’ll do something fun.”
“’Kay. Bye Daddy.” He hugged Devin.
When Devin left, I sent Andrew back into the kitchen because I needed a minute to pull myself together.
My father exited the kitchen and came to me. “I’m sorry, honey. I thought you’d told him at lunch.”
“I messed up, Dad.” I sank down on the couch and cried.
He sat next to me, taking me into his arms. “Yes, you did. But, there’s time. He’ll come around.”
I shook my head. “No. He hates me. I don’t blame him.”
“It’s raw pain right now, but over time, that will lessen. He’ll see the good woman in you. The great mom you are.”
I couldn’t see how. There was no way he could look at me and not see a deception of the worst kind.
“In the meantime, we’ll help you get a lawyer.”
“Dad—”
“Devin is a smart man. He’ll get one so he can protect his rights. You’ll want one too. You’ll need to set up a custody agreement and visits.”
He was right.
“I’m sorry to put you through this. I must be a disappointment—”
An Irish Affair (Heart 0f Hope Book 2) Page 17