Catching Serenity

by JoAnn Durgin

  “I know,” she said, shaking her head. “There’s not a whole lot anyone can say. I’ve learned to accept it and get on with my life as best I can, but I still need to find some answers.”

  She wiped beneath her eyes and grimaced when she glimpsed the black streaks on her fingers. “My baby was perfect. Beautiful and healthy, with good color and all this thick, dark hair, but he developed some kind of weird lung infection and...” When she cried a little more, Jackson held her again, running his hands over her hair and rocking with her, back and forth. In his arms, she was protected. She should push him away, but she couldn’t. She never wanted to leave.

  “In your heart, why do you think your mom left?”

  “That’s the other mystery,” she said, resting her cheek on his chest, exhausted and emotionally spent. “Of my parents, Mama was the stronger one, the disciplinarian. I needed her after Danny died, and she helped me get through everything until Liam was born. If anything, I needed her even more. I was this young kid with a dead husband who didn’t have a clue how to raise a child, much less on my own. And then when Liam died, she disappeared. That’s when Dad withdrew into himself and simply shut down.” She shook her head. “It was wrong of me to leave him, but I had to get away to survive. Maybe it was selfish, but I couldn’t stay here.” Her eyes met his. “If I had stayed, I probably wouldn’t be here with you now.”

  Jackson held her gaze a long moment and nodded. “From what I’ve seen, your dad doesn’t fault you for leaving.”

  “No, he doesn’t, but he was so…terribly sad.” Her throat tightened. “It broke my heart all over again. Dad withdrew from the world. We were hurting each other more than helping, lashing out at each other in anger and pain. He couldn’t face his own grief, much less deal with mine. So, I left. Only difference was, I called Dad and told him where I was and how to reach me. I wanted him to know I wasn’t too far away, and I hope he knew I’d be back in a heartbeat if he ever said the word.” She heaved a deep, shuddering sigh. “But he never did.”

  “Your dad probably felt like his life was ripped apart,” Jackson said. “And I’m sure knowing how you suffered made it even worse for him. Trust me, Serenity, I know how guys can close up and not let anyone in, even those we love most. It’s not in our nature to share our feelings. When we’re hit with tragedy, we turn into ourselves and think we can handle things on our own without help from anyone else. You’re right, though. In your case, getting away from Croisette Shores was probably the best possible option. As hard as it was, it was incredibly brave.”

  Serenity sniffled, unable to speak.

  Lifting the corner of his tank, Jackson offered it to her, but she shook her head and managed a small smile. “Dad’s ornery, but I’m stubborn like Mama. She taught me well. You know what I said about the beach being my refuge when I was a little girl? When I lived in Atlanta, a neighbor invited me to a Bible study, and I found another refuge there in the arms of the Lord. I’d never heard about it before I moved away.”

  “Why’d you choose Atlanta?” he asked. “For the record.”

  “The school there offered one of the best interior decorating programs in the country. In a big city, there were also more opportunities to lose myself in the mass of humanity. I wasn’t conspicuous like I am here in Croisette Shores. I didn’t have people scrutinizing my every move. The anonymity was wonderful.” She shook her head. “Listen to me. I sound like a celebrity.”

  “You are to some people,” he said.

  “For all the wrong reasons. It’s more notoriety. I love that verse from the Psalms that says ‘Keep me safe, my God, for in You I take refuge.’ I’ve clung to that verse the past few years. I haven’t gone to church the way I should have or helped others.” She raised watery eyes to his. “But I’ve done what I needed to do to survive and keep myself sane. That’s got to count for something, right?”

  When Jackson smiled, her heart jumped to see the tears in his eyes. “You needed to take care of yourself before you could think of helping others. God understands that. The way I see it? You’ve helped more people than you know. It’s not always about working in some kind of ministry. It’s about kindness and goodness and giving of yourself, whether it’s your time or your talents or whatever. Look what you’re doing for your dad. Charlie and Maya are your biggest fans, and Kelsie admires you more than you know.” He squeezed her hand. “Look what you’re doing for me.”

  Her lip trembled. “What...what am I doing for you?”

  “You’ve shown me unconditional love. Love as a friend that’s not based on anything more than caring about someone and wanting the best the Lord has to offer. That’s an incomparable gift.”

  She sniffled again and he handed her another napkin. “You’re too good to me.”

  He chuckled. “Not possible.”

  “Jackson?”

  “Shhh,” he said, leaning his head against hers, stroking her hair again. “Just let me hold you.”

  ~CHAPTER 20~

  Jackson drummed his fingers on the kitchen counter as he ate his breakfast the next morning. He hadn’t fallen asleep until well after two a.m., mulling over Serenity’s story. Like he’d told her after he first met her, he’d seen the way the ladies in the coffee shop responded to her, the way the older men looked at her in a fatherly way. Her family had lived in Croisette Shores a long time. With her dad a fireman and her mom a nurse, they were ingrained in the community. Some of those people in the coffee shop must have felt a keen sense of loss right along with Serenity when Danny was killed, their baby died, and then when her mother disappeared.

  When Serenity first started telling him about Danny, it was clear she hadn’t sought professional help to help her deal with the emotional pain. He’d seen it before in his clinical training with adult patients. Serenity’s words had rolled out of her like a massive tidal wave. The way she’d been incapable of stopping clued him in she’d kept it bottled inside, but for almost five years? As impossible as it seemed, he knew in his heart it was true. She’d been through so much and only been married a few months when her husband was killed. A strong arrow pierced his heart.

  Lowering his head, Jackson closed his eyes and prayed. “Lord, please give Serenity your peace,” he whispered. The irony of her name didn’t escape him and he wanted to help her, needed to help her. Not that he could explain it. It was more than physical attraction drawing him to this woman. That in itself could prompt him to do what he could to help Serenity, but not because he was trying to earn some kind of praise, reward or gratification.

  Time for a reality check. You’re already falling in love with Serenity, but she can’t be free to love you or anyone until she finds her answers. He’d met a few young widows in the past and a majority of them still grieved their dead husband, no matter how long they’d been gone. Some never moved past it, especially when they’d been murdered like Danny, but Serenity seemed resolved to accept her husband’s death. That in itself was a step toward healing. The circumstances of the marriage—how long they’d known each other, the strength of their bond, whether or not they’d had children together—all played a factor.

  As bad a person as it might make him, Jackson was thankful she wasn’t fixated on Danny like he was some kind of martyred saint and no other guy could ever compare. That scenario was difficult, if not impossible, to conquer. Dealing with her other issues might prove easier by comparison.

  A lot of patients suffering similar heartbreak might have tumbled over the edge into mental instability. Danny’s murder could have been enough, but the other tragedies that followed made it almost unfathomable to imagine the heartbreak she’d experienced, the pain she’d suffered. He’d witnessed an indomitable strength of character in Serenity sandwiched between the rare glimpses of vulnerability and insecurity. She’d learned to keep a tight rein on her emotions around most people, and that could prove both beneficial and detrimental. He was glad she’d shared her pain, and shed her tears, in his presence. If only he could absorb some
of it and ease her pain.

  To her credit, instead of becoming crippled by bitterness and anger, Serenity had faced life the best way she could. She’d distanced herself from her home and friends. Then she’d forged her own path and taken charge of her life. She’d earned two degrees in Atlanta, but then felt the pull to come home again. Her loyalty to her father was admirable. Based on what she’d told him, her faith was fragile and new. While he wanted to encourage her, invite her to church and tell her about his relationship with the Lord, he didn’t want to scare her away by shoving “religion” down her throat.

  His older brother, Chad, constantly criticized what he termed Jackson’s “Good Samaritan” philosophy. “Nothing wrong with wanting to help people, Jax. I know that’s what you do for a living—you nearly got yourself killed and earned a medal for it—but you can’t get wrapped up in the problems of every single person who spills their guts or you’ll drag yourself down and won’t be able to help all the other people who need it. Save enough of yourself to spread it around.”

  He had a unique way of expressing himself but Chad was right in certain respects. Jackson had mastered techniques to divest himself from the troubles of others and show compassion while still standing firm in neutral territory. Not revealing he was a psychologist outside the office unless asked was best. Perhaps God in His infinite wisdom positioned him in certain places—in His perfect timing—for that very purpose. Like standing in the grocery line behind the older woman whose granddaughter was in drug rehab or the guy at the dry cleaners who’d returned from the war and had to readjust to civilian life, working out at the gym beside singles fed up with breakups and swearing off dating and marriage...the list could go on and on. Seemed even a small town the size of Croisette Shores had its share of trauma and drama. At heart, most people wanted someone to listen, simple as that. If he could fulfill that need, so be it.

  And just when Jackson thought he’d heard it all, along came Serenity. She of the dazzling smile and gorgeous blue eyes that held sadness and heartache that drew him in and tempted him to toss everything to the wind and follow her anywhere. He’d never felt this way about Laura or any other woman. In record time, no less.

  The cell phone beside Jackson on the counter startled him when it played the theme song of “Mission Impossible.” He glanced at the display. Kyle.

  “Hey, little bro.” Jackson scarfed down the last of his over-easy eggs.

  “You must really like this woman to ask me to do some detective work about her mother. It’s about time you jumped back into the dating pool with both feet. I’d suggest playing the field, but you’ve never been one to do that, have you? Even when you had women throwing themselves at your feet.” Kyle laughed. “What it must be like to be you.”

  Jackson frowned. “At this point, Serenity needs a friend more than anything else. She’s got a lot going on in her life.” He sounded like a clone of Charlie even if it was the truth. “So do I.”

  He heard Kyle’s prolonged sigh through the phone. “Man, please tell me you’re not attracted to this one because she’s a wounded bird?”

  His ire rose, but Jackson tamped it down. Kyle was beginning to sound like Chad. “You don’t know what you’re talking about, runt.” By using a childhood nickname Kyle hated, he hoped it would distract him and he’d change the subject.

  “Come on, Jax. Let’s examine the facts. Laura was a mess, and you swooped in and took care of her. Once you’d worked your magic, she set you free. In case you can’t see it for yourself, you tend to take on women with issues. It’s like this insatiable need you have to make everything right, or else it’s a carryover from your professional life.”

  Jackson shut his mouth, swallowing his sharp response. Is that what I’m doing with Serenity? Sure, she had problems, admittedly more than most, but who didn’t have at least the equivalent of a carry-on of emotional baggage? Unlike Laura’s case, Serenity’s problems weren’t of her own making. They were the result of unfortunate circumstances, God’s will or whatever. He knew it wasn’t theologically correct to think that way, but life had thrown Serenity some very unfair curveballs. Denying it didn’t make him any more or less pious. From what he’d heard, Laura was doing well now, still in Chicago and teaching high school English. She was a good woman and deserved love and he’d prayed she’d find it…with some other guy.

  At times, he wondered why one person should suffer so much when others existed with a poor excuse for a life yet encountered very little difficulty. Then again, he knew it wasn’t his place to question God’s motives. A life worth living was about taking risks. From what he knew from his studies and experience, the majority of those who’d loved and lost said they wouldn’t change a thing given the opportunity for a “do over” in life. He’d always found that interesting. Of course, the answer again depended on circumstances. Nothing about Serenity’s particular case was normal in any sense of the word.

  “You still there, Jax? Speak to me, bud.”

  “Yeah. Sorry.” He cleared his throat. “Tell me what else is going on in your life.” He forced a brightness into his voice he didn’t feel, wanting to change the subject. Chewing his toast, he listened as Kyle told him about their parents’ latest jaunt to Europe and the opening of Chad’s new Manhattan restaurant before telling him about his most recent coup in the corporate legal world. In spite of their differences, he was proud of both his brothers, but as he listened to Kyle’s words, a sadness tightened around his gut. He knew firsthand the lure and temptations of the world and didn’t want his younger brother to fall in the traps, but feared it was too late.

  “Been to church lately, Kyle?” He winced. The question came across as a holier-than-thou, superior attitude. No wonder the kid didn’t listen to him. Although he wanted to know the answer, he wished he could withdraw and rephrase.

  Sure enough, Kyle snorted. “Organized religion and my lifestyle don’t exactly mesh right now. I’m having too much fun. Jesus would cramp my style. I guess you’re getting ready to go to church, huh? Remember when you were my age. You had your fun, buddy, so now it’s time to let me have mine. Still, I have to admit, you sound...settled. Content almost. Leaving Chicago was probably a good thing and that little South Carolina town is good for you. Does your pretty new friend know about your illustrious past?”

  Jackson shoved his empty plate aside with more force than he intended and had to catch it before it toppled over the edge of the counter. “No, and there’s no reason to tell her. It’s nobody’s business but mine.”

  “You always were humble. If you don’t want that medal of yours, ship it to me. I could probably score big time with that thing draped around my neck.”

  Jackson shook his head in disgust. “Don’t be a pig, Kyle.”

  “Hey, ladies love a hero. If I were you—”

  “That’s just it. You’re not me, Kyle. You probably don’t want it, but I’m going to give you some advice, so listen up.”

  “Okay, lay it on me.”

  “Work hard at your job and have fun when you can, but be a man of honor enough to respect the women you date. Remember those words the next time you bring a woman home. Work on the inside of you as much as what the rest of the world sees. Trust me, it’ll help you sleep better at night.” He wondered if Kyle had an overnight guest tucked in his bed right now. More likely, he’d left one somewhere in Seattle when he’d snuck out of her place in the middle of the night. The one nice girl he’d dated for more than six months had her heart shattered when Kyle cheated on her. He’d already throttled him at Christmas for that one. When would he realize all the emotional damage he was doing? Jackson ran a hand over his brow, more determined than ever to pray for his brother.

  “Yeah, well, thanks for the lecture, Dad.” Their dad would never tell him those things, and they both knew it. Even if he did, would it change Kyle’s lifestyle? Probably not. Like he’d found his own way, now it was Kyle’s turn to navigate life, regret his mistakes and celebrate his personal triumphs.


  “When you look in the mirror ten years down the road, I want you to respect the man you see.”

  “Speaking from experience, are we?”

  Jackson sighed. Kyle had an annoying habit of throwing everything back in his face. “In some respects, yes. I’ve found my peace, but it’s my prayer you’ll find yours without making some of the same mistakes I did.” Contrary to what Kyle probably believed, he’d always been a one-woman man, never a player when it came to relationships. Not that he’d been a poster child for clean living. Sure, he’d made errors in judgment, some pretty big, but thanks to a football coach who’d believed in him and the Almighty, he now lived a better, straighter and more fulfilling life.

  “I’d say you’ve done pretty well, Jax. Don’t sell yourself short. Any man who earned a...”

  “I don’t need to hear you trumpet my accomplishments, but thanks. That’s all in the past. People tend to forget quickly, and I’ve got more important things to do. I know I ride you hard, little brother, but somebody’s got to do it. Take it easy, runt.”

  “You, too.”

  Before he hung up, Jackson gave Kyle the pertinent facts he’d gotten from Serenity about her mother. It might not give them anything to go on. Then again, it might bring some definitive answers. The Lord knew that’s what he wanted more than anything—help the woman he was falling in love with find what she needed most in her life.

  Blessed, sweet serenity.

  ~CHAPTER 21~

  “You’re a great assistant.” Working side-by-side at the church picnic, Jackson smiled as he manned the grill and Serenity handed out paper plates and hot dog or hamburger buns. She got reacquainted with a few members of the church she’d known in the past and Jackson introduced her to everyone. She liked how he poured himself into the community and made a serious effort to get to know the townspeople, learn about their lives and show a genuine interest.