by JoAnn Durgin
“Well, thanks for that, Doc.” The moment of closeness broken, she turned away from him, crossing her arms over her chest.
“Tell me what’s going on, Serenity. No evasions. Be straight with me.”
She frowned. “In spite of your noble efforts, this isn’t a case where you can break down my door, swoop in here, play the hero and make everything all better.” Serenity headed to the sofa, dropping onto it, staring absently at the floral pattern. “You shouldn’t have come. I’m not decent company today.” Curling into the sofa, Serenity leaned her head back and draped her forearm over her face, as if that could somehow make her disappear into the cushions.
Jackson blew out a sigh laced with exasperation. “I should call you Scarlett O’Hara with your theatrics. Do you have the vapors or whatever they’re called?” He crossed his arms. “Time to stop acting like you’re ten. I see it enough with my patients and I’ve never known you to wallow in self-pity.”
She opened her eyes to find him staring down at her from a foot away. Stepping closer, he moved his hands to his hips. She couldn’t look away if she tried, not sure if he was more angry or annoyed by her evasiveness. Serenity’s mouth went dry, and she swallowed, afraid she’d cough.
“I’m not going anywhere, so start talking.”
“You’re pretty bossy sometimes, you know that?” At the moment, it was one of his most aggravating habits as well as his most endearing. Warmth invaded her cheeks. “Not to mention your infuriating ability to be right most of the time.” Even after licking her lips, they were dry again seconds later. Serenity hung her head, gathering her thoughts, willing herself not to cry.
The sofa cushions dipped as Jackson settled beside her. His nearness surrounded her like a blanket on a cold morning, bringing to mind the way her mother would wrap her in a warm towel after her bath when she was a little girl. But she wasn’t a little girl anymore, and Jackson certainly wasn’t her mother. Awareness of him washed over her like the waves at high tide, crashing into her subconscious. Without touching her, Jackson awakened feelings she’d thought were long dead. What a lonely, needy mess she was.
Squeezing her eyes tight for a moment, she felt the prompt to tell this man. She’d shared everything else about her life, and he was here and cared about her. Jackson sat quietly with his hands clasped together on his lap, waiting for her to speak.
“It’s my anniversary.”
Stealing a peek, Serenity noticed the lines circling his eyes, the tautness around his mouth.
He finally spoke. “If you want to talk about Danny, I’m here. Whatever you need.”
She couldn’t meet his eyes. “No, not that anniversary.”
“Well, then what...” Jackson’s voice faded and the muscles in his jaws tightened.
“I found my heart five years ago today, Jackson, and then lost it the next day.” The tears started, and she didn’t bother to stop them. Neither did she protest when he gathered her into his chest, brushing loose strands of her hair away from her face with his gentle fingers and then leaned his head against hers. He absorbed her shaking shoulders and her trembling body. She didn’t know what he said, but his presence gave her comfort. But it was so much more than that.
“You need to talk about it.” Their eyes met, but she lowered hers first. “It’s been too long, honey. You can’t keep this bottled up inside you. It’s not healthy, and you can’t move forward with your life until you come to some kind of resolution.”
A small surge of anger sparked within her, and she drew in a shuddering breath. “For once I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Why?” He didn’t even flinch and held her gaze.
“Because,” she said, a small sob escaping, “if I talk about it, then it’s like he’s really gone. Don’t you see?” Her voice broke. “My baby was the one thing in this world I managed to do right, Jackson, and I couldn’t even hold onto him.” The last part came out a wail, and she clamped a hand over her mouth as her sobs unleashed.
Her shoulders shook as she wept. They weren’t hard, body-rocking sobs, but quiet, steady tears that she couldn’t seem to stop. How long they sat there together, Serenity couldn’t know. The right shoulder and half of Jackson’s shirt was soaked with her tears. Finally, she disengaged from his arms and swiped beneath both eyes with her fingers.
“I’m sorry about your shirt.”
“I’m not. Baby, you can soak a hundred shirts, and I wouldn’t care.”
Serenity cleared her throat. “I want to show you something. I’ll be right back.” Pushing off the sofa, she darted down the narrow hallway to the bedroom. Reaching into the top shelf of her closet, she pulled down a small plastic shoe box. She startled to see Jackson leaning against the doorjamb a few seconds later.
Staring at the box for a long moment, not moving, she crossed the room and sat down on the bed. She balanced the box on her lap. “I haven’t taken this out in a long time.”
Jackson watched as she lifted the lid and removed a tiny knit cap and a white, pink and blue striped receiving blanket. Draping the soft blanket over her lap, she smoothed her fingers over them. “They’re so tiny. It’s hard to imagine we were ever this little, isn’t it?” She picked up the wrist bracelet and stared at it for a long moment, dangling it from her fingers.
“I was over ten pounds when I was born. My mother reminds me at every opportunity.”
“Okay, Paul Bunyan,” she said, appreciating his attempt to lighten the moment.
Reaching into the box again, she pulled out a birth certificate with Liam’s footprint. She traced her finger over it. “He weighed over eight pounds. Danny would have been so happy and proud of him. He used to bring home little bouquets of flowers and put them in a glass on the kitchen table to liven up our dinner. He always made sure I ate well. Once he packed a picnic basket and whisked me away to the park.” The thought made her smile. “He actually fed me grapes under a tree and read poetry. He didn’t understand much of it, but that’s what made it even more special. We shared a lot of laughter, and we shared Liam, at least when I was pregnant. I’ll always cherish those memories.”
“I’m thankful you can talk about them”—he tweaked her chin—“and smile.”
“Me, too.” Sniffling, she put the certificate back in the box. “We were planning on naming our child after Danny if it was a boy. But after he was born and I had to put a name on the death certificate...” She took comfort from Jackson’s presence when he settled on the bed beside her. “I couldn’t do it. I’d always liked the name Liam and it means guardian and protector.” She heaved a sigh. “It’s silly and makes no sense, really, but I promised Liam he’d always be the big brother protector when I have more children.”
Sitting back and leaning on his elbows, Jackson surveyed her. “You realize what you said in subtext?” Returning to an upright position, he nudged her shoulder. “You want to have more children.”
“I remembered what was so familiar about Dr. Saunders.”
“What’s that?”
“I’d never met him before, but he’s the doctor who signed Liam’s death certificate.”
Jackson’s eyes widened. She’d caught him off-guard, and for once, he’d been rendered speechless.
“I’m sorry,” she said, wiping away another tear that escaped. “Leave it to me to add a little morbidity to your morning.”
“Serenity, look at me.” She raised her eyes to his. “Liam will always be in your heart. You know he’s loved and he’s safe, and that’s what you’d want for him, right?”
She nodded and bit her lower lip. Although it still trembled, no fresh tears fell.
“Right,” she whispered.
Liam’s middle name is Justin. If any doubts lingered in his mind, they were eradicated when his gaze fell on that piece of paper. Struggling with a tumult of emotions as strong as he’d ever experienced—a tidal wave of elation tempered with extreme frustration all at the same time—Jackson forced himself to focus on the woman beside him.
Jackson enjoyed hearing Serenity’s memories in spite of the pervasive sadness. Everything in him wanted to hold her close and murmur the words that would change her life. Serenity, your son is alive. Your mother is alive. They’re here in Croisette Shores. In that moment, he resolved to confront Elise and demand she meet with Serenity as soon as possible. Reunite the woman he loved with the child she thought had died. What on earth happened in that hospital five years ago? Why was Serenity told her baby died? Was her mother involved? If so, what possible reason could she have for decimating her daughter’s life like this?
“Jackson?” Her fingers, warm and soft, rested on the side of his face. “What are you thinking?”
Turning his head, he met her eyes. “One of the best ways to get over heartache is to face those fears and plunge right back in. Immerse yourself in the very thing that brought you sadness. Only then can you conquer it. Another child won’t replace Liam, but it’ll give you a contentment you might not think possible. I hope you’re at least willing to consider it.”
Serenity’s gaze slanted over to his. “I know you’re trained in psychology, and I’m sure it makes some kind of sense in the annals of clinical shrinkdom or whatever, but please tell me how—hypothetically speaking—a woman who can’t swim can possibly benefit from jumping feet first in a river?”
“For one thing,” Jackson said, measuring his words, “why would you want to deny yourself another opportunity to find love and happiness?” Not sure why he’d started this tangent of conversation, he felt powerless to stop. Subconsciously, did he need to know how she’d respond?
Refolding the baby blanket, Serenity tucked it back in the plastic box with the certificate and the knit cap. Turning on the bed to face him, Serenity appeared thoughtful, but she didn’t seem upset. “I never said I didn’t want another chance.”
He gathered his thoughts. “The way I see it, if you fall in love and get married again, having another child is part of the natural progression.”
“You mean the natural order of things? If you know me so well, then you’d know I don’t follow the same path as most people. I do things my own way, for better or worse.”
He couldn’t leave it alone. Something inside spurred him on. “I know you love children. If you never have another child of your own, you’ll be denying one of God’s children a great mother.”
At least that made her laugh. “That’s one unique campaign for motherhood. You should be on the board of the local women’s shelter. With passion like that, I’m sure they could use someone like you.”
“I’ve got enough to do right now. And job one,” he said, lowering his voice and looking her straight in the eye, “is taking care of the beautiful woman God’s brought into my life. She’s my passion.”
Leaning toward her, Jackson waited. When she touched those sweet lips to his, desire shot through him like a red-hot branding iron. Lost in the moment, he covered her mouth with his. Cupping her face, he moved his lips over her cheeks, peppering her soft, supple skin with featherlight kisses. Every nerve ending in him ignited and he slowly moved with her as she fell back on the bed and his lips found hers again. When she arched her neck, he traced a slow, sensuous path of kisses from her jaw down to her neck, delighting when she moaned and whispered his name. Their bodies were close, inches apart. Oh, how he wanted...
You can’t do this. In an abrupt move, he sat up and reached for her hand, pulling her up so they both sat upright again. He could tell she was surprised, but he dared not look at her until his shaky emotions were under control. Putting both hands on his knees, he remained silent and so did she.
“I’m sorry. That was wrong of me to take advantage of your vulnerability. We need to get out of here,” he said, running a hand through his hair and jumping up from the bed. Lord, forgive me.
“It was the moan, wasn’t it? It was too much. I shouldn’t have done it.”
“Baby, I loved that little moan, but that’s the problem. You can’t begin to know what you do to me.” Sweeping her into his arms—taking care where he placed his hands—he started down the hallway and moved through the living room toward the front door. After leaning down to turn the knob, he threw open the door and walked outside into the warm sunshine.
Serenity squinted and squirmed in his arms. Her legs dangled and she moved her hands over his shoulders and around his neck. When she leaned her blonde head against his chest and snuggled closer, he felt his pulse accelerate at warp speed. He’d been preoccupied with thoughts of Serenity in recent days—ever since he’d met her, if he was honest with himself—and holding her like this brought out every male instinct he could imagine, some honorable, some not. As much as the pleasurable sensations pumping through him, he loved how she clung to him. Serenity trusted him.
“Where do you think you’re taking me?”
“Somewhere way less tempting, for starters.” He hesitated a second. “You’re dangerous for me to be around.”
She looked up at him. “Sorry?”
“No, you’re not.”
“Jackson.” Something in her voice made him stop. Serenity angled her head toward what she was wearing—or wasn’t—and raised a brow.
Lowering her to the ground, he grunted. “Do you have any appointments or pressing obligations today?”
“No. I cleared my schedule,” she said, tugging down on the hem and tightening the belt on her robe. Hopefully the Lord would understand and cut him some slack. He was only a flesh-and-blood man with the thoughts of a man. Not that he’d act on them, but oh yeah, he’d be asking forgiveness for his thoughts. All the more incentive to help her solve the mysteries of her life, pray she wouldn’t hate him and then get on with both their lives, one foot in front of the other.
“This day is always one of the hardest for me since I left Croisette Shores,” she said, bringing him back to the present. “I’m sure you know by now that I’m a case in emotional instability. I really wanted to meet you on the beach this morning, and I had every intention of being there, but...”
“We’ll go to the beach another day. I have somewhere else in mind for now.” That wasn’t the entire truth, and he hoped he’d come up with something while she went back inside and changed. Fun. Serenity needed a day to get away, relax and enjoy herself, but not the beach this time. Charlie. He’d call his friend. If anyone knew a place to suggest, Charlie would.
“While you’re quite fetching in your cute little robe, why don’t you go change into some I’m going to have fun today clothes. Shorts and tennis shoes. And think about retiring that robe but at least get some good dust rags out of the deal.” It took everything in him to keep his eyes trained on her face. The thin, ratty cotton of her white robe accentuated the curves beneath it to great advantage and its short length highlighted her long, shapely legs. He almost let out a moan of his own but kept it in check.
Serenity absently fingered the torn belt, the expression on her face sad. What had he said now? “This robe was Mama’s. That’s why I haven’t been able to let it go. I don’t have much of her left to call my own. It doesn’t smell like her anymore, though. For a long time, it did.”
Jackson’s eyes widened. “Then I think you should definitely keep it. I’m sorry. That was an incredibly stupid thing to say.”
She shrugged. “No, it wasn’t.
You had no idea, and you’re right. I guess I needed my mother today.” Her eyes met this. “But then God sent you.”
Tears stung the back of his eyes. So much he couldn’t tell her, so much he wanted to tell her. What a horrible place to live. He hadn’t even told her yet that he’d found the last known address for her mother and was surprised she hadn’t asked.
Lord, please don’t let her hate me.
Her eyes bright, Serenity touched his forearm as she headed back toward the house. “Give me five minutes to change.”
Reaching for his cell phone, he nodded. “Sure. Take your time.”
~CHAPTER 35~
Untying her robe, Serenity slipped it off her shoulders and tossed it on the bed. She darted into her closet and grabbed a pair of khaki shorts and a light blue cotton top. Dressed less than two minutes later, she headed into the bathroom, washed her face and then applied a couple of light coats of waterproof mascara, the latter being one of Deidre’s best suggestions. The thought made her smile. After brushing her teeth, Serenity slicked a light pink gloss over her lips and frowned at her reflection in the wall mirror. Faint circles lined her eyes, evidencing her lack of sleep the last few nights and her features appeared more pale than usual.
“Look lively, girl, and get ready to enjoy the day. No more wallowing.” She combed her hair and secured it in a twist in back with a plastic clip.
Next she rummaged through her closet for her most comfortable pair of athletic shoes. They were well-worn but hopefully they’d suffice for whatever Jackson had in mind. She suspected he might be winging it and hadn’t planned on whisking her off anywhere today. How could he have known he’d walk into the den of emotional instability when he almost broke down her door? As usual, he was being compassionate, sensitive Jackson. One of the things she admired most about him was his ability to sense her moods and not push her. Today, he knew she needed company and fun. He really was so good to her, so good for her. Not many men would be so patient and kind. Danny might have been the one she’d played with in the sandbox as a child, but Jackson was the one she felt like she’d known forever.