by Lauren Dodd
“So this is the last time I’m going to see you until September?” He moves off the bed and toward me with a desperate look on his face.
“The summer will fly by,” I say, busying myself stuffing some clothes in a carry-on bag.
Ethan reaches out to touch me and I will myself not to flinch. He doesn’t deserve for me to act like a freak, it isn’t his fault that any man’s touch makes my skin crawl. He leans in to kiss me and I force myself to press my lips against his. I stand soldier stiff until it’s over, trying not to scream. I open my eyes to find Ethan staring at me.
“You’re not in love with me anymore,” he states matter-of-factly. “There’s someone else.”
I want to convince him that there is no one else and if I was capable of being in love it would be with him. I think I used to be in love with him but that was before everything changed. I’ve selfishly kept him hanging on because even though I didn’t want him to touch me or expect anything from me, being with him made me feel safe because it reminded me of how things used to be, how I used to be. But I care about him too much to keep him hanging on any longer.
His kind blue eyes settle on my lying green ones. “Yes, Ethan, there is someone else,” I force out.
He deflates immediately and I know this is one of those moments I’m going to regret for the rest of my life but the amputation of Ethan from my life is necessary. Everything is getting too complicated and I don’t trust myself around him anymore. He makes me feel so safe that I’m afraid eventually I might just bust open like a piñata and all my secrets will come tumbling out. And I can’t have that.
“Cassidy, you’re my whole world,” he pleads, pacing back and forth across my plush blue bedroom carpet. I’ve always hated this carpet and I’d secretly love it if he wore a hole in it. I can still feel the sting when I realized that Chastity had specifically bought me blue carpet instead of the plum that she knew I loved. Ethan’s big toe poking through the end of his sock distracts me from the memory and I almost start laughing. What kind of a deranged lunatic giggles during a breakup? This is who I’ve become and Ethan deserves better than to be with the person I’ve become. He is the only person alive who has never let me down. He doesn’t deserve to be drug down into my pathetic world. I’ve kept him moored to me for too long already.
“We’ve been together for two years and we are both so young that I think we should experience life a little more,” I say, forcing myself to think about mundane things like cleaning the bathroom or helping Wade with his science project so that the gravity of what I’m doing, forcing away the only person who has ever loved me unconditionally, doesn’t make me break down. Tears are a sign of weakness and I am not weak.
He stops in front of my vanity and takes in all the pictures I have taped to the mirror. Most of them are of us. I can hardly stand the thought of him never being in my bedroom again and I dig my nails into my palms to force myself from telling him I’m just joking and that I don’t really want to break up.
“Can I call you?” he asks.
“It would probably be better if you didn’t,” I respond coldly.
“I know that something has been wrong for a really long time and I wish you would just tell me what it is,” he whispers, but he might as well have screamed it because my body is on full alert. He just couldn’t leave it alone; this is exactly why I’m severing our ties. I can’t deal with him trying to badger secrets out of me anymore. I don’t like it, but I know what I have to do.
“I’m not harboring some deep dark secret, Ethan. I’m just bored with you. I want out,” I say, channeling my inner Chastity. I hold eye contact with him until the full impact of my response sinks in. I hate myself more than I ever have before and, believe me, that’s saying something.
He couldn’t look more visibly shaken if I had smacked him across the face. “Good-bye, Cassidy,” he says, walking out my bedroom door and shutting it softly behind him without anger or even sadness. No matter how bad I feel, I know I did the right thing by letting him go. No one deserves to be saddled with my baggage for the rest of their life. I stand in front of my mirror barely recognizing the girl gazing hollowly back at me.
****
Kentucky Fried Chicken, dinner of champions, for the second time this week. My mother wouldn’t know a home-cooked meal if Martha Stewart herself delivered it to our door. I dig out all the drumsticks and hand them over to Wade who rewards me with a crooked jack o’ lantern smile. It doesn’t take much to keep that kid happy and it reminds me that sacrificing my soul to keep that smile on his face forever isn’t such a burden after all.
Chastity throws some napkins in our general direction and I busy myself tucking one into the top of Wade’s shirt so it doesn’t get covered in greasy chicken spots. Phil slides a soda across the table toward me. I catch it and pop the top, busying myself guzzling it down.
“How about a thank you, you weren’t born in a barn,” Chastity scolds me. I mutter thank you without raising my eyes. She seems to have calmed down a little bit since receiving confirmation of my airline reservations for tomorrow morning.
“Where’s Ethan? He said he’d play Mario Kart with me,” Wade asks, bless his eight-year-old heart.
“Ethan won’t be coming over much anymore, buddy,” I tell him gently. “We broke up.” I knew Wade’s feelings would be another casualty of our breakup and I wasn’t looking forward to it. Maybe someday I’ll be able to tell him that I did it all for him, but probably not because that would kind of defeat the purpose.
“Good. He deserved better,” Chastity comments under her breath as she slops coleslaw on her plate while checking her cell phone. It will be such a relief to get away from her nasty remarks for a few months. I just hope that my dad’s new wife doesn’t automatically hate me and make my life even more miserable.
“What happened, Cass?” Phil asks.
“It just wasn’t working out anymore,” I reply curtly, knowing that he won’t be sad to see Ethan gone. After all, he was the one who caught us in a very precarious situation about eighteen months ago.
A week after Phil caught us; I was still holding my breath, wondering when Chastity was going to find out. Instead, one afternoon Phil asked me if I had protection. Phil married Chastity when I was six and he had been more of a permanent fixture in my life than my biological father. He was the parent I loved the most. He was the one who was always there with a smile or corny joke, he had even covered up a few things for me so she wouldn’t go ballistic, like the time I dumped an entire bottle of nail polish on the new carpet, so when I found out that he wasn’t going to tell her, even offering to take me to Planned Parenthood to get on the birth control pill, I was ecstatic. I’ve never been able to talk to my mother about anything, and there was no way at sixteen, I was going to attempt a birth control conversation with her. Good old Phil had saved the day again.
Phil only had one request; that I never tell Ethan I was on the pill. He preached the importance of using a condom as double birth control and protection against diseases. I thought I would die of embarrassment discussing such intimate matters but I kept my head down and nodded in agreement. I kept my promise. To this day, Ethan doesn’t know I’m on the pill. Not that it really matters since we are now broke up, but it never really did anyway because we haven’t had sex in over a year.
“You, okay?” Phil asks, reaching across the table to touch my arm.
I jerk away so fast I spill my soda. Everyone flies back from the table as I attempt to mop it up with a wad of napkins.
“Is there anything else you can possibly screw up today, Cassidy?” Chastity shouts.
Phil jumps up and grabs a roll of paper towel to help me. Wade is giggling so hard that he starts having the hiccups. His playful innocence is the only thing that keeps me rooted to this insane existence.
“Here, I’ve got it,” Phil offers, moving closely behind me. I can feel his hot breath on my neck as we trade places so that he can wipe up the remaining soda. My stomach r
oils and suddenly the chicken doesn’t look so good.
“I’m really not that hungry,” I say, moving away from the table, but nobody even notices because they are too busy drilling Wade about his day. I wander back to my bedroom realizing that I’ve never really belonged anywhere.
****
“Are you really going to be gone all summer?” my best friend Whitney whines, twirling strands of her white-blonde hair around her perfectly manicured finger.
“Yep, I’m not coming back until Labor Day,” I verify, zipping my carry-on. It is amazing how little space some underwear, a few T-shirts, and two pairs of shorts take up. At least I’ll save Dad the baggage fee. I gaze longingly into my closet wondering if I should pack a dress or two then decide against it.
“That’s FOUR months,” Whitney points out. Through the perfect storm of no used snow days and the construction happening on the high school that is pushing back the start of school next year, we actually have four months off this summer instead of the normal three. I can’t help but think it might be fate.
“I broke up with Ethan.” I figure I might as well just deal with Whitney’s melodrama all at once and not drag it out.
She sits frozen in the middle of my bed. You would think that I just told her I was diagnosed with an incurable type of cancer. I knew this was going to be painful.
“But…but…but, you guys have been together forever. You love him,” she reminds me.
“We grew apart. It happens.” I’m careful not to meet her eyes.
“You’ve been acting really weird for a long time,” she declares, narrowing her eyes at me.
The best invisible mask I can muster slides over my features. Whitney has known me since I was five and it is a miracle that I’ve been able to blow her off for this long. If I can just make a clean getaway then I’ll have four months to figure out how to deal with everything.
“It’s our senior year. I just don’t want to be tied down. I want to have some fun this summer.”
“Isn’t it going to be weird for you if he starts dating someone else?” she asks.
The question strikes my heart like a dagger even though I realize that it has no right to. I’ve kept Ethan a fellow prisoner for long enough, he deserves to be happy. “I just want him to be happy. Look after him for me, would you?”
She seems taken off-guard but nods then breaks into a gigantic smile. “Oh, I get it. You want to zip out to Colorado and create some whole new life for yourself. You can be anybody you want to be. I’m so jealous,” she says, collapsing into my pile of pillows.
I flip my hair and prance around the room on my tiptoes. “Yes, I think I shall be a princess of some faraway land that no one has ever heard of. Everyone there will think I’m fabulous and I’ll have my pick of smoking hot guys.”
We both bust into the giggles. Thankfully she can’t read my mind to know that I’m going to Colorado to escape guys, not hook up with a new one. Besides, it is probably going to be a full time job just dodging my dad and his wife.
“Give me a hug. This isn’t going to get any easier so I’m just going to say good-bye and bolt,” Whit says, sitting up and holding her arms out. I fall into them easily with no hesitation. I wish I could have hugged Ethan as freely these last several months.
“The summer always flies by, you know that,” I remind her, squeezing her convulsing body. I should probably try to squeeze out a few tears to compensate for her near hysterical state but I’m dry as the Sahara.
“I hope you can work things out with your dad. I know that has always bothered you.”
She’s right, it has. But I kind of doubt four months can erase a lifetime of hurt and anger. I was beyond desperate to get out of here and his house was my only option.
“Have fun this summer and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” I tease, pulling out of our embrace. I usher her to my bedroom door, anxious to get on with packing, but I’m trying not to be insensitive. Sometimes I wish it bothered me how numb I’ve become to my feelings but it doesn’t.
She wipes her tears on the tail of her T-shirt, smearing her mascara in the process. “Why do I feel like I’m never going to see you again?” she says, her chin trembling.
“Like I could ever get lucky enough to escape this podunk town,” I say, shutting the door behind her, wishing she was right.
****
“Your mom says I’m taking you to the airport in the morning,” Phil says, barging in my room without knocking.
I slam my laptop shut and clutch it like a shield. “Whit is taking me,” I lie, not making eye contact.
“I’d rather take you myself,” he pushes.
“That’s okay.”
He shifts his weight from one leg to the other and I can tell he wants to argue but he doesn’t have the balls. It amazes me the imaginary lines he will cross and the ones he won’t. “I guess this is good-bye then,” he says, moving closer to the bed.
“Wade, get in here so I can teach you how to Skype,” I yell toward the hallway. My tornado of a little brother races in and lands on my bed, belly-flop style.
“I’m not the only one who is going to miss you around here, Cass,” Phil says, slinking toward the door. I don’t even respond but just start tickling Wade until his infectious laugh floods over me and washes all the invisible dirt away.
Chapter Two
It is still dark out when the cab pulls up in front of the house. I race toward it clutching my carry-on, filled with my laptop and the few clothes I brought, for dear life. I slide in the back and close the door as quiet as I can. The last thing I need is Chastity getting suspicious about me catching a cab when I’ve almost made a clean getaway.
“To the airport, please,” I demand, jamming on my invisible backseat gas pedal to urge him along. It isn’t working and I almost have heart failure waiting for him to adjust the setting on the A/C and turn the meter on. I keep my eyes peeled on the house, looking for any sign of life. The driver finally pulls away from the curb and I’m convinced that no one saw my escape.
I don’t relax until I’m past the security checkpoint at the airport. I find a seat with the best view and prepare to waste four hours. I left the house super early so that Phil wouldn’t realize I lied about Whit taking me to the airport. I’ve told so many lies in the last eighteen months I can barely remember the truth anymore. Thankfully my mother either isn’t too observant or just doesn’t want to know the truth.
I slip my ear buds in and disappear into the world of my current playlist. I try to block out how nervous I am to see my dad for the first time in five years. For the first few years after our last visit he faithfully kept up our bi-weekly phone calls, but after a while I could have had a more meaningful conversation with a telemarketer. After a while, I stopped answering and he stopped calling.
My favorite Mumford & Sons song comes on and Ethan’s face pops into my mind. I close my eyes and remember the first time he kissed me. It was pure magic. He was always so gentle and made me feel so safe. But the last several months I couldn’t stand to have him touch me, I almost outwardly convulsed at the very idea. Ethan deserves a girl who doesn’t bristle at his every touch. If only his kisses could have always felt like the first ones did. I wonder sometimes if I’ll ever be able to let anyone touch me like that again.
“Would passenger Cassidy Lawson please come to the ticket counter?” a female voice blares over the intercom, loud enough to hear even over my music.
My head jerks up at the mention of my name. Terrified, I start toward the desk and the woman calling my name. I knew it was too good to be true that I could escape this place for the entire summer. Somehow Chastity has figured everything out. I’m done.
“I’m Cassidy Lawson,” I tell the woman in the polyester airline uniform with the bun so severe she won’t ever need a facelift.
“How would you like to get to Denver a few hours early? We have one seat left on this flight,” she tells me kindly.
A flash of the plane going down an
d no one realizing I’m on it goes through my mind. It would take hours before anyone realized I was even missing. Dad would be upset but I don’t think Chastity would even care. She would probably be excited because she could sue the airline for a lot of money. Maybe the plane crash lands on a deserted island and I get to start my life all over again without anyone knowing who I am. Maybe I’m freaking losing it. The ticket agent is looking at me impatiently still waiting for my answer.
My phone vibrates in my pocket; I pull it out and check the screen to see Chastity’s cell phone number.
“Let’s go to Colorado,” I exclaim, hitting decline on my phone screen.
****
When the plane lands uneventfully in Denver, I realize that I have four hours to kill. As I walk down Concourse C a familiar scent hits my nostrils. I look ahead to see the restaurant, Timberline Steaks & Grille. Dad took me to this restaurant on my last visit while we waited for my flight to leave. He even convinced me to try a bison burger by telling me that Justin Timberlake, my biggest crush at the time, was the owner of the restaurant but the guy making the sign screwed up the name. It worked and I devoured an entire burger only to be left craving them for the last five years. Luckily, they are open 24/7 for weirdoes like me who want a bison burger at ten in the morning.
I duck inside and request a table for one. A waiter approaches before I’ve even slid in the booth, I suppose they are pretty used to people eating and running, and I rattle off my drink and burger order. After practically starving myself for the last eighteen months, I’m famished.
I slide into the worn leather booth and stow my carry-on next to me. I busy myself sipping on the iced tea that the waiter just presented to me.
I hold up my spoon to get a glance at my reflection and cringe. I thought by dying my naturally brown hair an awful artificial black, starving myself to turn the curves and bumps of my body into sharp angles, and dressing like a homeless person instead of a homecoming queen, that some of the unwanted advances would stop, but it hasn’t worked at all. I made myself ugly for no reason. And worst of all, Chastity never even questioned any of the drastic changes. The school guidance counselor pulled me in to ask if everything was all right, but my own mother never bothered to ask what was going on with me. Not that I’d tell her the truth but still.