by Lauren Dodd
“Lisa, are you okay?” I ask.
She bolts from the table without answering.
“I’ll check on her,” I tell Dad, grateful to escape the overwhelming sensation I have to touch Seth. I push my chair back and run after her.
I rush into the ladies room where I hear Lisa throwing up in a stall. The door to the stall is swinging open and I find her crouched on the floor hanging over the toilet. Thankfully, this is a nice restaurant so the bathroom isn’t completely filthy but it still grosses me out seeing her bent over a public toilet like that.
“I’m going to go get Dad to take you home,” I tell her, rubbing her back.
I know how sick she must be because she doesn’t even bother putting up a fight. I sprint back to the table where Dad and Seth are sitting, looking worried.
“She’s really sick. I’m going to ask the waitress for a bowl or something to take in the car. Why don’t you pull up the car and I’ll help her out,” I order, knowing that the sooner we can get Lisa home, the better. I head toward our waitress, not bothering to wait for a response. She quickly brings me a giant disposable bowl and I head back to the bathroom.
Lisa throws up a few more times while I get her a wet compress for her head on the way home. I have a feeling Dad might be cleaning out the SUV when we get home. Part of me still worries that it was something about my dinner last night that is making Lisa so sick. I’d never forgive myself if I found out that this was my fault.
I help pull Lisa off the floor, holding the bowl in front of her as our arms are wrapped around each other. I’m really hoping she can at least hold it until we walk through the restaurant for the other diner’s sakes. I move her through the restaurant at record speed. Seth is holding the front door open then he rushes to open the passenger door on Dad’s SUV that is pulled up to the curb. I settle Lisa in the front seat, buckle her seat belt and hand the bowl to her. I turn to apologize to Seth for bolting, even though I’m honestly not sorry at all because I don’t trust myself around him, when Dad just drives off.
“What the hell…” I say, trailing off, watching their tail lights disappear out of the parking lot.
“Your dad gave me money to pay for dinner and thought we should stay and enjoy ourselves. I hope that’s okay,” he says, looking at me hopefully. “I’ll get you home safe. I promise.”
My knees start to shake realizing that I’m going to be alone with Seth through an entire dinner, and then for a dark, deserted drive home. As much as I love my dad, I could strangle him for leaving me in this situation.
“It’s fine,” I choke out, making my way back to the restaurant entrance. Seth holds the door open for me and I hesitantly walk back into the restaurant. I keep glancing behind me, waiting for him to touch my back to guide me back to our table, but he keeps a respectful distance which I appreciate.
Seth pulls my chair out for me. I sit primly, holding my breath as he gently pushes me again, but to my relief, he manages to do it all without actually making any physical contact. He takes the seat that Lisa had occupied across from me. He smiles pleasantly as he swipes a stray curl off his forehead. The gesture makes beads of sweat pop up on the insides of my arms and the backs of my legs. I fan myself discreetly with my menu.
“I think I’m going to try that steak dinner your dad recommended. And I think we should get one to go for him. He looked pretty bummed about having to leave,” Seth suggests, distracted by the menu. I’m touched by his suggestion, knowing that I probably never would have thought to do it.
Our waitress brings us our drinks and takes our order then we are left staring at each other awkwardly, trying to figure out what to say.
“I really enjoyed my Mad Cow burger,” I tell him, trying not to watch him trace his finger along his water glass. I force out a thought of him running that cold, wet finger down my chest between my breasts.
“Thanks,” he says shyly, clearly embarrassed.
“I think it’s pretty cool that your family has its own restaurant. It must be kind of nice being your own boss.”
A strange look comes over Seth’s face and I instantly regret bringing up the restaurant.
“I used to love the fact that everybody knew we owned Chubby’s and it was cool working there in the summer because all my friends would come in, but after working there full-time for nine months, I feel like I have hamburger grease coming out my pores,” he reveals.
“You look pretty good to me,” I blurt out and want to crawl under the table when I realize what I’ve said.
“Speaking of looking good, I thought you were hot the first time I saw you at the library but I’m dying over here. You look so beautiful that I feel like I can’t even form a complete sentence.”
My cheeks flush at his compliment and I am extremely thankful that our waitress sets our salads down in front of us at that exact moment so that I don’t have to respond. Seth must think I am a complete freak but I haven’t been alone with a guy for longer than fifteen minutes in two years. It is taking all of my composure just to stay in this seat even if Seth is the most gorgeous guy on the planet.
He seems to pick up on my uncomfortableness at his compliment and immediately changes the subject.
“So tell me about yourself, Cassidy,” he asks, stabbing a perfect bite of Romaine lettuce, shredded cheese, tomato, and bleu cheese dressing.
“I’m really not that exciting.” I hate that I can’t even sell myself a little bit. He is probably going to just slow down and throw me out of the car by the end of the night.
“You really didn’t want to go out with me, did you?” he asks, catching me off-guard. He is mistaking my reluctance to tell him about myself as snobbiness. As much as I want to spare him the heartache of dragging my problems into his life, I don’t want him to think I don’t like him.
“It’s not that,” I confess. “I’m just not that good at dating and being open with people.”
He reaches over and covers my hand with his, startling me. I jerk out of his grip and my fork goes flying into the aisle beside our table. Our waitress immediately comes back with another set of utensils. After several awkward seconds, I brave a peek at Seth’s face.
“Let’s just finish our dinners and I’ll get you home,” he says under his breath as the waitress serves us our entrees. I barely notice her presenting my delicious shrimp dinner to me as I try and read Seth’s mood but his face isn’t giving anything away.
Neither one of us make eye contact again as we finish our meals. Seth puts in an order for Dad, pays the bill, and we move out to the half-empty terrace to wait for the go-to meal.
We gaze up at the dark mountains, the peaks illuminated by the full moon. I wish that I could just enjoy being in the company of a gorgeous guy without acting like such a weirdo. I sneak a peek at Seth, his jawbone clenched staring at the sky. He is the most amazing looking guy I’ve ever seen and I wish I had the courage to just reach for his hand or even kiss his perfect lips, but instead I’ve allowed myself to become this strange person afraid of even the slightest touch.
Seth sighs and I instantly feel guilty that Dad drug him here tonight. The poor guy flips burgers all day, helps take care of his brother and sister, and he doesn’t deserve my craziness.
“I wish I knew who hurt you because I’d kill them,” he says, startling me.
I know that I should argue with him and lie and tell him no one hurt me, but when I look into his hypnotic green eyes, I just can’t. I want to tell him everything and I’ve never felt that way. I just want to open up my chest and let all my secrets fly out because I feel like Seth could fix it all for me.
“Do you want to spend more time with me?” he asks.
I nod, falling deeper into his eyes. I know I should pull back and tell him I don’t want to see him again but I just can’t. I want to be with him more than anything I’ve ever wanted before.
“I want to kiss you so much it hurts,” he confesses. I shrink back even though the thought of his lips on mine had alrea
dy crossed my mind several times at dinner. “But I won’t because I know that would make you uncomfortable. I promise I won’t touch you until you tell me you’re ready.”
I breathe a sigh of relief that he understands me so well in such a short period of time. I’m not stupid, I know a guy as good-looking as Seth isn’t going to sit around pining for me but I think hanging out with him this summer will be good for me. I will finally prove to myself that I’m still human. Who knows, maybe I’ll feel comfortable enough to let him kiss me someday. But at the end of the summer it will be over, no dragging it out like I did with Ethan. A summer fling, with a guy who in three months will be a thousand miles away, might be just what I need to get back to normal.
****
I’m almost sad when Seth pulls into Dad’s driveway. He jumps out and rushes around to my side to open the door for me.
“Thanks,” I say, grabbing the bag with Dad’s food in it. He walks me up to the door where we both stand awkwardly. I gaze into his eyes and practically drop the bag. There’s a part of me that I thought was dead forever that wants to reach out and touch Seth’s face and pull his lips to mine so bad I can hardly stand it. While it feels good to have those emotions again, I can’t lead Seth on when I know I’m not really ready.
“Can I take you out again tomorrow?” he asks eagerly. “I don’t get off until eight but we could go to a movie or something.”
I never really expected a hottie like Seth to put up with a prude like me, but maybe he sees me as a challenge. Either way, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to being excited that he asked me out again.
“That sounds good. I’ll see you tomorrow,” I say, sneaking inside before I embarrass myself. I wait until I hear his car start and him zoom off before I make my way through the house. I try and wipe the humongous smile off my face, knowing poor Lisa is miserable.
“Hey, sweetie. I didn’t expect you so early,” Dad says. He is sitting on the end of the couch with Lisa’s head in his lap. She seems to be sleeping peacefully and her normal coloring has returned.
“Is she okay?”
“Yeah, she just caught a little bug. There’s something going around.”
I dangle the plastic bag of food, teasing him. “Seth thought you might be hungry.”
He eases Lisa’s head down gently on the couch and races to take the bag from me. “My God, I love that kid.” He starts spreading his feast out on the kitchen table and I’m grateful to Seth for thinking of him.
“Come keep me company,” he says, patting a chair.
“I’m kind of exhausted, Dad. I think I’m going to turn in,” I plead off. I feel so guilty knowing I’m not actually tired at all but I’m used to Lisa being a buffer with Dad. It is still so hard for me to have a conversation alone with him.
“At least tell me if you’re going to see him again,” he asks, cutting a huge wedge of steak off and popping it into his mouth.
“We’re going out tomorrow,” I say, smiling.
“I knew you two would hit it off. Night, sweetie.”
“Night, Dad.” I wonder for the millionth time tonight why Dad wants me to like Seth so bad but then I realize it is probably just like Lisa said. He wants me to spend some time with people my own age, not to mention give him and Lisa some time to themselves. I head upstairs to change out of the beautiful dress Lisa bought me. Suddenly, I realize that without even knowing it, I was already starting to get used to being here. But I have to remember that this situation is only temporary. I can’t let myself get too attached to anyone here because it will all be gone in a few months.
Chapter Six
I haven’t even had time to change out of my dress when Chastity starts blowing up my phone. She is the last person on the planet that I want to talk to but I’m scared to death it is something about Wade, especially once I see that she’s called three times tonight. I panic, just realizing that I forgot my phone at home the whole time I was gone to dinner. If something happened to Wade, I’ll never forgive myself.
“It’s about time,” her screechy voice says as I pick up the phone. “I was almost ready to resort to calling the bastard’s home phone.”
I want to scream that the bastard has been trying harder to make me happy since I’ve been here than she has my entire life, but I don’t because you can’t fight with my mother. If she says the sky is green, it is easier just to agree because there is no way you are going to convince her of anything different. It’s her world and the rest of us are just living in it because she allows us to. I learned that little nugget a long time ago.
“How’s Wade?” I ask, ignoring her tirade.
“How do you think he is? He misses you terribly. So do I,” she adds but the falseness in her voice tells me that she just wants to hear me repeat it to her for some sick reason.
“I miss you guys, too.”
“Where have you been? I’ve been calling all night.”
I know for a fact that isn’t true because I’ve only been gone for about three hours but she loves to be melodramatic. “We went to a restaurant in the mountains and it didn’t get good cell reception.”
“Wow, a restaurant in the mountains. How fancy! I bet I could afford meals like that too if I wasn’t stuck paying for braces, insurance, and school tuition,” she spouts.
I’m tempted to tell her that I go to a public school and I figured out in fifth grade that she didn’t have to pay the thousands of dollars that she claims it costs her in tuition every year, but I don’t even care to win anymore. I just want to get this conversation over and pretend I have a normal life for the next couple of months.
“I’m sorry I’ve been such a burden.” I didn’t mean for that to come out, but when I start getting some distance from her, I realize how truly horrible she is and I just can’t bottle it up anymore.
“You ungrateful little brat. A few weeks with that bastard and you’re already acting like him. You better watch it or you won’t have a house to come home to,” she threatens. She has used this threat since I was twelve. Anytime I stepped out of line she would threaten to send me to Dad’s as a punishment. I don’t know how I got it in my head that it was so horrible here but I’m sure she helped out with that. Now her dagger-sharpened threat bounces off of me like a marshmallow. “And make sure the bastard sends me my money,” she says, disconnecting the call.
At times like these it is hard to imagine how I’ve hung on so long with any good feelings about my mother at all. That’s the hardest part. She will have these moments where she actually seems to care about me and those tiny moments are enough for me to subsist on until I get the next miniscule dose of her affection. Thankfully, she has never been this way toward Wade, although I think he is starting to feel guilty because he is starting to notice the way she treats me versus him.
I don’t want to have this conversation with Dad but if I can text Chastity and reassure her that her money will still be coming then maybe I can get some relief from her for a while. I shuffle downstairs where Dad is putting some dishes in the dishwasher. I look over to make sure Lisa is still sleeping. I’m so embarrassed that I have to bring it up at all and I don’t want her to think bad of me like I’m trying to take advantage of my dad after she showered me with clothes and shoes this afternoon. I would be devastated if Lisa ever thought I was even remotely like Chastity.
“I kind of need to talk to you about something,” I say awkwardly. Dad pulls out a kitchen chair for me and I sit down cross-legged. He sits across from me and absentmindedly strokes his beard waiting for me to talk. I wish that I could disappear into Lisa’s pretty ceramic tile backwash.
“Dad, um, Chastity was wondering, um, if you were still going to be, um, sending the, um, child support,” I finally force out.
“Oh, honey. You don’t have to worry about any of that. I’ll make sure that she gets every payment just like usual,” he assures me.
Relieved, I blow out a huge breath. “Thanks, Dad.” I bolt upstairs because I can tell that my fath
er’s anger is barely contained but he has never badmouthed Chastity in front of me and I don’t want to give him a reason to start, although trading stories about her might be kind of therapeutic.
I close my door and lock it then immediately press my ear to the vent. This feels so immature, and such a violation, but I can’t stop myself. I want to hear what they are really thinking.
“Everything okay?” Lisa asks groggily.
I hear the foot on Dad’s recliner go up and he doesn’t answer for a minute.
“Martin, what’s going on?” Lisa pushes.
“What kind of a soulless bitch makes their kid worry about child support payments?” he answers finally.
I hear Lisa’s intake of breath then she says, “She didn’t.”
“That’s all Cassidy is to her, a damn paycheck. All these years I went along with her demands for more and more money, not giving a crap about the money but knowing that my daughter wasn’t seeing so much as a penny of it. Now she can’t even let the kid relax for the summer but makes her be her pimp.”
“Is Cassidy okay?” Lisa asks and I feel tears well up in my eyes. She genuinely cares about me.
“She’s fine, just embarrassed. I just wish we never had to send her back. I would fight Chastity to the death over custody but I wouldn’t want to drag Cassidy through that. Besides, she doesn’t want to live here, her life is in Missouri.”
I want to race down the stairs and tell him that I would love to stay here, but I know if I made that decision Chastity would never let Wade be a part of my life again.
“If only there were some way we could prove to a judge that Cassidy hasn’t been cared for properly emotionally. I’ve never seen someone so young be so guarded. And she practically breaks into a sweat if she even thinks I’m going to touch her.”