by Lauren Dodd
“I hate my mother,” I say into the dark night air. I’ve never said such a horrible thing out loud and I’m terrified that Seth will think I’m some wicked girl and leave me out here to fend for myself, only to never see him again. He doesn’t say anything, just hovers over me in silence. Even the crickets go silent, mortified by my horrific confession.
“I hate my dad,” Seth confesses, curling up beside me. We both turn to face each other. Seth covers us up with one of the light blankets to keep the mosquitoes off us.
“You don’t think I’m a horrible person?” I ask, brushing a curl off his face.
“I think you’re finally being honest for the first time,” he says, intertwining his fingers with mine under the blanket. “I like it.”
Knowing that my confession didn’t repulse Seth gives me the strength to explain myself. “I think she’s jealous of me but I can’t figure out why. She says and does these horrible things,” I say, everything pouring out of me. Seth seems riveted beside me, listening intently.
“Has it always been this way?” he asks.
I try to find a time in my memories when she wasn’t completely horrible and nothing bubbles to the surface. I realize that the meanness has definitely amped up in the last two years though, which I hadn’t figured out until now.
“Things have definitely deteriorated in the last few years.”
“What’s been going on in the last few years that wasn’t happening before?” he asks innocently, but his question strikes my chest like a sword.
“Oh my God, she knows,” I whisper, my head spinning. She must not have been as oblivious to Phil’s stares and extra attention as I thought she was. But how could she just sit by and do nothing? Shouldn’t she see Phil as a predator preying on her innocent daughter? Doesn’t she love me at all to try and protect me?
“Knows what?” Seth asks, interrupting my mental debate.
All this time I’ve kept my secret, thinking that I was just protecting Wade when really I wanted to protect them all, even Phil. I never stopped to think about protecting myself for an instant. All this time I thought if Chastity knew what Phil was doing she would kick him to the curb and smother me with her love to make up for it. How could I have been so naïve?
“She knows that my stepfather has been trying to have sex with me for the last two years.”
I can’t believe that it is out in the universe now. I never thought those words would pass through my lips but the sense of relief I feel to have someone help me carry the load is unbelievable.
I’m so busy feeling relieved and better than I have in two years that at first I don’t notice Seth getting worked up. When he jumps off the bed of the truck, I think he’s disgusted by what I told him.
“I’ll fucking kill him,” he screams, punching the side of the pickup as hard as he can.
I scramble off the pickup as fast as I can, but by the time I reach Seth he has already had time to punch the truck several more times and his knuckles are bleeding.
“Seth, stop,” I scream, pulling on his arms, but I’m no match for his strength and he still manages to punch the truck several more times. At some point he slows and I duck under his arms and come up inside of them. “Please don’t do this,” I sob, touching the blood now running down his arms.
“No one is ever going to hurt you again,” he promises, placing both his bloody hands on the side of my face.
I’ve never seen someone react so violently but instead of feeling scared, I feel powerful. Like for the first time in my life I have someone in my corner. Someone who cares enough about me to harm themselves when they hear that someone has hurt me.
“Don’t ever hurt yourself again.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” he says, looking ashamed. “But the thought of him touching you…”
“It never went that far. He just got a couple of lingering hugs in before I realized what was happening.”
“Nothing else?” he asks, holding my gaze on his. “Don’t lie to me.”
“There was one time he cornered me in the kitchen and begged me to give it to him just once. He was hard and he tried…”
Seth pulls away from me and vomits on the ground. I rub his back until he’s done. I feel horrible that he’s had such an emotional reaction to my confession, but I’d be a liar if I didn’t admit how good it makes me feel to know that I haven’t just been exaggerating this in my mind all this time.
I rush to the truck to get the bottle of water I remember seeing in the cup holder. I hand it to him and he rinses and spits a few times to clean his mouth. He doesn’t say anything, just puts the bed of the truck up, gets in the driver’s seat and starts the truck. I scoot into the passenger side and buckle my seatbelt.
“I’m so confused,” Seth says, pulling the truck out of the gravel lane and back onto the road.
“About what?”
“I thought Lisa was your mom.”
“I wish. No, my dad never married my mom. They just had a little fling which resulted in me. He’s been paying for that piece of ass his whole life,” I say, laughing even though it is the truth and not funny at all. I feel so bad sometimes that Dad couldn’t just cut Chastity out of his life because of me.
“I wondered why you were never with them. Your dad would mention little things about you here and there, but I never saw you with them until a few weeks ago.”
It dawns on me that Seth doesn’t realize that I don’t live here. I know that I should tell him but the words are frozen on my lips the way they were when the drunk guy was coming toward me at the drive-in. Something tells me that if Seth found out I’m only visiting for the summer, it would be a deal breaker. Then I realize I’m reading an awful lot into a few dates, but I still don’t pipe up with the information.
“I’m with my mom most of the time,” I respond, knowing it isn’t technically a lie but still feeling guilty about it.
“Tonight was a total clusterfuck. You must think I’m a complete psycho.”
“You stuck up for me back there, no one’s ever done that for me before.”
“Does that mean you’ll go out with me again?” he asks, glancing over at me.
“You don’t have to ask me out again because you feel sorry for me.”
He swerves the truck over to the side of the road and squeals on the brakes. Startled, I brace my hands against the dash.
Once the truck is completely stopped, he jerks it into park, glaring at me the whole time. “Do you want to know how sorry for you I feel?” he asks, already reaching for me.
Inside I’m screaming that I can’t give in to how I feel about him. I know that it might eventually destroy me. But when he unsnaps my seat belt I practically launch myself into his lap, my legs straddling him.
I’ve never wanted anything as much as I want to feel his lips on mine. He is holding my arms against my sides, waiting for my approval. I barely nod and his perfect lips come crashing down on mine. We move our tongues inside each other’s mouths exploring every inch. He holds me close and runs his hands up and down my body but doesn’t touch me anywhere else. I can feel him getting hard as I lower myself down on him. He lets out a groan then gently pushes me back into the passenger seat.
“I don’t trust myself to be gentle with you,” he says, gripping the steering wheel.
Secretly, I’m relieved that he put the brakes on because I know I wouldn’t have been able to and doing him in the cab of his truck as cars whiz by isn’t exactly the most romantic scenario for our first time together.
“I do want you. More than I’ve ever wanted anyone,” he says, touching my knee. Embarrassed, I look out my window. He pulls back on the road and heads toward Dad’s house. When we get there he pulls quietly into their darkened driveway.
“Thanks for the movie,” I say, feeling awkward.
“I have a confession. I don’t have a clue what that movie was about. All I could think about was licking the butter and salt off your legs,” he says, swallowi
ng hard as he steals a glance at my bare legs.
We sit there for what seems like forever, off in our own fantasies but never actually touching each other. I can’t stop thinking that if I reach out and touch him, I’ll end up pulling off my clothes and begging him to have his way with me.
“I’m assuming that your dad doesn’t know,” he asks.
The change of subject immediately shuts down any sexual thoughts I was having about Seth. I’m tense, and as relieved as I felt blurting my secret out, now I feel exposed and dirty.
“No one knows.”
“Your secret is safe with me. But I don’t want you to go near him until we can figure out what to do. Deal?”
I nod my head yes, knowing I should blurt out the truth but something just won’t let me, scared that Seth will disappear if he knows the truth. I may only have him for the next two months but I’m not going to give him up before then.
“Would it freak you out if I told you that I’ve been obsessed with you since the very first day I saw you?” he asks, making my head pop up.
I smile and reach over to touch his hand. My skin comes alive with a popping sensation when he laces his fingers with mine.
“God, this sounds so freaking cheesy, but I just knew we were supposed to be together.
To hear him put words to my thoughts is amazing. And to sit here, touching a guy without flipping out, is like a dream. I’m still a normal girl who has normal emotions. I worried for so long that Phil had killed that part of me but I’m ecstatic that he doesn’t have full control over me. Even if I can’t have Seth forever, any time with him will be better than nothing.
“I never thought I could feel this way about anyone,” I confess, welcoming his lips on mine. When he gently urges his tongue into my mouth I allow myself to experience every ounce of pleasure it brings me without worrying about the future for the first time in my life.
Chapter Eight
“Will you be dining with us tonight or will Prince Charming be whisking you away?” Dad teases as he sets the table.
“You know he doesn’t get off until eight so I’m afraid you’re stuck with me for a few more hours,” I answer.
“You two are getting pretty serious,” Lisa adds.
“As much as I would love to hash this out with you guys, can we please talk about something else?” I beg.
They exchange a glance, silently agreeing that they better cool it even though I actually enjoy their teasing. The last four weeks I’ve been with Seth every single night when he gets off work and on his days off. We usually have the twins tagging along but Ava has started to warm up to me so we still have fun and it has managed to keep us from ravaging each other. I know that Seth thinks he needs to go slow with me but we still haven’t done anything but kiss. If we keep moving at this glacial pace, I’ll be leaving before we have sex.
“I still want to pay you for making that website,” Lisa says, pulling me out of my Seth thoughts.
“I think we’re even after everything you’ve done for me this summer. I’ll just be glad when you break out on your own. Your boss doesn’t appreciate you,” I tell her, loving that my relationship with both of them has grown so much since I first got here that we can have these kinds of conversations.
“The website really is beautiful, sweetie. You’re very talented.”
I smile, basking in the compliments, but knowing that what I did really wasn’t that big of a deal. Adults are funny though because they are so terrified of technology that they think anyone who knows how to master it is a genius.
“It has been so wonderful having you here this summer. I can’t believe how fast it’s going by,” Lisa says.
I’ve been trying not to even look at anything that has the date on it, hoping that somehow I can stop time and stay here with Dad, Lisa, and Seth forever. But the days keep ticking away, going faster and faster the more attached I get to all of them.
“This steak is delicious,” I marvel, changing the subject before I lose it. I see them exchange a glance and I’m afraid that they might think I’m looking forward to going home. I wish I was strong enough to shout out that I want to stay forever. I’ve changed a lot since I got here but I’m still too vulnerable to put myself out there that much, not knowing if Dad and Lisa would ever consider letting me stay forever.
We eat the rest of our dinner in comfortable silence. I watch Lisa scarf down her second steak. For such a tiny thing, she sure can put it away. I’m really going to miss her when I go back.
“I think I’ll go get ready now,” I announce, bolting from the table before my emotions get the best of me. I don’t even give them a chance to respond but take the stairs by twos and jump into the shower, sobbing. The thought of leaving them and Seth is already unbearable and even though I’m not looking forward to it, I know that I have to tell Seth the truth tonight. I can’t keep lying to him about living here. If I do that, I’m no better than Chastity.
After my shower, I do my hair and makeup, and pick out an outfit. I choose a coral- colored short-sleeved blouse and jean shorts. I slide my freshly-painted toes in a pair of gold flip-flops and head downstairs. Seth should be pulling in any minute.
I hear his voice drifting up the stairs and panic fills me. I’ve been purposely keeping him away from my parents, afraid that they would say something about me leaving before I can explain it to him. I fly down the stairs and into the living room startling everyone.
“I didn’t realize you were here already,” I say, floating over to him. Just the sight of him sets every nerve I have on alert. He smiles at me making me feel so privileged that out of all the girls he could have, he picked me. I put my arm around his back and he lightly kisses my cheek.
“You look beautiful, as usual,” he says, giving me a look like he wants to eat me alive. My stomach bounces around in my body nervously, wondering if tonight could finally be the night.
“I’m sure you too have better things to do than hang out with a boring old married couple,” Lisa teases, knowing I’m ready to have Seth all to myself. I smile, thanking her.
“Take good care of my girl, Seth,” Dad says.
“Come on, let’s go,” I urge, pulling Seth toward the door.
“We’re counting on you to convince Cassidy to stay in Colorado forever, Seth,” Lisa says, stopping Seth cold in his tracks. “No pressure or anything.” She laughs, not realizing the damage she’s just done.
Seth’s expression doesn’t skip a beat but he drops my hand and I know immediately that it’s over. “I’ll do my best,” he says stiffly. He opens the front door and I follow him, shutting it gently. He is already in his car, starting it up, when I slide into the passenger seat. He doesn’t say a word, just backs out of the driveway and starts toward the highway.
He turns up the volume full blast on some horrible heavy metal music and I refuse to even look at the speedometer to see how fast we are going. I just let him drive and drive without saying a word, thankful that the twins aren’t with us. The sun sets and I start to finally recognize where we are going. He slows down and pulls onto the deserted gravel road and we bump back into the trees, hidden from the world. He stops the car and gets out and I follow him.
I lean against the hood of his car waiting for him to turn around and yell at me. I want him to yell at me so that I know he cares. The last thing I want to do is leave him, but I know that I can’t stay forever. I try to have all my ammunition ready when he comes at me. I have to make him understand that I can’t just abandon Wade.
He finally turns around to face me and he has tears running down his face. I’ve never seen a guy cry and it does something to me. I completely forget every argument I had stored up to explain why I didn’t tell him.
“So you were just going to let me fall in love with you and then abandon me?” he asks.
I’ve known for weeks that I was in love with him but I couldn’t fathom that he felt the same. I’m so shocked, I don’t even know how to respond. He loves me, just keeps r
unning through my head.
“You don’t understand,” I blurt out, wanting him to understand. “I can’t leave my little brother with her. She’s a monster.” I’m crying now, wondering how I’ll ever be strong enough to leave him, but worrying that I may not have a choice now that he knows I lied to him.
“Do you love me, Cassidy?” he asks, touching my face.
“Yes, Seth. I do,” I plead, trying to pull him toward me. “I never thought I would ever feel this way about anyone.”
“Then stay with me.”
His words hang in the air like thick cloud of smoke that won’t dissipate.
I won’t lie to him again. “I can’t.”
He yanks his hand away from my face and starts pacing in front of the car again. “It must have been so fun for you to toy with me like this. You must have thought I was so stupid. That shit about your stepdad, was that all a lie, too?”
“No,” I shriek. “You’re the only person I’ve ever told about that.”
“Let me see if I get this straight. You love it here and you want to be with me but instead you are going back to a mother you hate and a stepfather who is going to eventually rape you. Do I have all my facts right?” He looks at me with such disgust that I start feeling like the girl who got off the plane a few months ago.
“You don’t understand. Even if I wasn’t worried about Wade, Dad and Lisa have their own lives that don’t include a teenager living with them full-time. I can’t just dump myself on them.”
“She just said that she wanted me to convince you to stay forever. What do you need a fucking engraved invitation?”
“My dad has never said anything like that.”
“So I was just a summer piece of ass then?” he asks, coming closer to me. Before I can answer, he lifts me onto the hood of his car.
“Seth, don’t,” I say, with no conviction at all because his hands are running up my thighs.