Addicted to Him

by Lauren Dodd

  I step back out of his reach, not wanting to feel the same hands on me that were just on her. “Why isn’t your phone on?”

  “It was dead. I just plugged it in when I texted you. Come on in, I’m just going to jump in the shower.”

  Cautiously, I step inside. It’s almost like I’m expecting her to jump out from behind the door even though I just saw her leave with my own eyes. I survey the apartment, searching for any clue that she was here. Everything looks exactly the same as it did when I stormed out last night. I must be crazy. Seth couldn’t do something like this to me. He moves to kiss me but I jump back. “Your breath is toxic,” I say, buying myself some time.

  “I’ll take care of that then I’m going to take care of you,” he says seductively, but instead of turning my insides to jelly, like he usually does, I just feel sick. I wonder how many other naïve girls he has said those same exact words to.

  “I’ll be here,” I say, throwing him a look that I know he’ll misinterpret as lust. He rushes off toward his bathroom and I stay rooted to the floor until I hear the water. Once the shower starts I rush around the apartment like a mad woman searching for any evidence of another woman.

  I start at his futon, bending down to smell the wrinkled sheets. Seth’s musky scent fills my nostrils and my body betrays me by instantly getting turned on. I spot his phone plugged into an outlet and pick it up. The screen says it is only 8% charged which backs up his claim of it being dead. The only empty glass sitting on the coffee table is not ringed in lipstick and contains an inch of watered down tea, Seth’s drink of choice. I pick it up and carry it in to the kitchen sink, knowing that there is no evidence to be found. Unless I ask Seth, I’m never going to know. And there is no way I’m going to ask because deep down I don’t really want to know.

  I carry the glass into the kitchen and set it down in the sink. A few slivers of glass are still near the drain. Carefully, I pick them up and carry them to the trash. I’m just about to drop them in the garbage can when something stops me. Resting on top of a discarded Ramen noodle package is a used condom. My heart plunges and I drop the glass on the floor. I keep staring at the repulsive piece of latex filled with a part of Seth that I thought belonged to only me.

  “Is everything okay?” Seth asks from behind me. I spin around to find him dressed in only a towel with beads of water dripping from the ends of his curls and running down his chest.

  “I thought you loved me,” I hear myself say. Seth’s eyes flicker toward the garbage can, realizing my discovery.

  “I do love you, Cassidy. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’ve never cheated on you before, I swear. I’m sorry, baby.” He forces his hands through his soaked hair and it’s the first time I can remember seeing him look despondent.

  “I could never be with someone else,” I whisper, still trying to comprehend how he could even want another person like that.

  “I was just so mad last night after you sent that text.” He tries to touch me but I pull away.

  “Are you saying that this is my fault?” I yell. Not only was he intimate with another girl but now he’s going to blame it on me.

  “You shouldn’t have said that,” he tells me angrily.

  “You shouldn’t have fucked that whore,” I counter.

  His temper flares in his fiery green eyes. He’s not used to me talking back but I don’t care. I’m not going to sit here and take the blame for him cheating on me.

  “Let’s just start over,” he suggests.

  “Sure,” I agree. “Just as soon as I go fuck some other guy. I’ll be right back.” I prepare to storm off but the power of Seth’s palm connecting with my cheek stops me cold in my tracks. He doesn’t stop with a slap. Before I can even react he has me pressed up against the refrigerator with a wild look in his eyes.

  “If you ever let another guy touch you, I’ll fucking kill you,” he says, forcing my shoulders against the cool steel. He has said this before, but this is the first time that I actually believe him.

  I know how to calm him down and I could easily give him the answers he wants but something inside me just won’t let me betray myself like that, even if it means risking my safety. “So you can shit on everything we have by bedding some whore and I’m just supposed to stand by and not care even though it’s killing me?” I sob.

  My sobs seem to jolt him back into the present. He seems to understand the gravity of what he’s done to us. He drops to his knees and buries his face into my waist.

  “Please don’t leave me, Cassidy. I won’t ever do anything to hurt you again,” he pleads, his words hollow to my ears. The balance of power has shifted again and I know that I should walk away but I can’t just turn off the way I feel about him, no matter how much I want to.

  “I’ve already spent so much of my life being unhappy. We aren’t good for each other, Seth.”

  He looks up at me with wet eyes that nearly split my heart in two. I never thought it was possible to love someone so much and I probably would have stayed forever. I would have suffered his mood swings and abusive behavior but I can’t compete with another girl, even if she was just a fling. I can’t live my life worrying about him getting revenge every time I upset him.

  He gets to his feet, his eyes still locked on mine. He kisses me desperately, moving his tongue inside my mouth hungrily, trying to get me back. My body immediately responds, always a traitor were Seth is concerned. I fall into his arms and let him carry me to the futon where the other girl was just minutes ago. He sets me down gently, his eyes still watering.

  He urgently undresses me, obviously hoping that this is going to be more than just a good-bye. He drops his towel and I lean back and spread my legs for him, welcoming him into me one last time. Tears run down my face as he enters me, wondering how something so toxic can be so exhilarating.

  We rock together for the longest time, each of us not wanting it to end.

  “I really do love you, Cassidy,” he says tenderly, wiping away my tears.

  “I love you too, Seth,” I say, knowing that giving him up will be the hardest thing I will ever do. I pull him into me one last time knowing he won’t be able to hold back anymore. He groans with pleasure at his release. I keep my arms wrapped around him, knowing that a release won’t come for me. It was more than just Seth’s body that I connected with that allowed me to experience such intense orgasms with him. I knew the second that I saw the used condom that the connection I felt with him was gone. I just had to prove it to myself one last time.

  I let go of Seth for the last time and he reluctantly rolls off me. I stand up, gather my clothes, and go to the bathroom to clean up. When I come out, he’s pacing the kitchen wearing the towel again.

  “I have to go,” I say, moving toward the door. He rushes to block it, his face full of terror realizing that this truly is the end.

  “I won’t let you go,” he says angrily but he sounds like a lost little boy instead of a possessive boyfriend.

  “Yes, you will, because you love me,” I remind him.

  I touch his face for the very last time as I ease the door open behind him. He grabs my arm but then just as quickly lets go of it. I bolt down the stairs and to my car before I lose my nerve and fall back into his arms forever.

  I drive away, knowing that he is watching me from the same window that he just waved to the other girl from.

  I sob the entire way home wondering if I will ever love anyone as much as I love Seth. I worry that I won’t be strong enough to stay away from him. I worry that I’ll give in to the cravings. I almost turn my car around and rush back into his arms. Instead, I pull off to the side of the road and dial Wade’s phone number. I say a silent prayer that Chastity and Phil stick to our unspoken agreement about not answering the phone if they see it’s me calling. They’ve obeyed the last few months so I think there is hope. I’m sure they both live in fear that someday I’ll spill the beans and everyone in my hometown will find out what Phil did.

  “Hi, siss
y,” Wade’s adorable voice cries out.

  “I miss you, Wade,” I tell him, trying to disguise my tears.

  “Miss you too, sis. I just got this awesome new Lego set. It was my reward for getting a hundred on my spelling test.”

  “That’s awesome, buddy. I’m so proud of you for keeping your grades up.”

  “Mom helps me study sometimes. She even packs my lunch now.”

  The happiness in Wade’s voice pushes back all the doubt I have about rushing back into Seth’s arms. I did the right thing by moving to Colorado. It saved me, and in the end, it might end up making Chastity a better mom to Wade. Standing up to Seth was the right thing too, no matter how hard it might end up proving to be.

  I listen to Wade chatter on about who his best friend is this week, how his favorite baseball team is doing, and how he is the tallest one in his whole class. After a few minutes, I lose his attention span to his Lego’s. He tells me how much he misses me and I can actually feel my heart start to be repaired from the damage Seth did earlier.

  I pull back onto the highway and head home, knowing once and for all that I made the right decision moving here even if it didn’t work out exactly like I had planned. My life is here now, whether or not that life includes Seth. I’ll be forever grateful to him for giving me the strength to face Phil and Chastity, but I can’t trade their abuse for his. I deserve to have people who love me. I don’t deserve to live my life in fear of saying or doing the wrong thing.

  I’m worth more than that, even if people like Chastity, Phil, and Seth don’t think so. I love myself too much to live through another toxic relationship. Someday I’ll find someone who loves me more than Seth does. I won’t have to worry about getting hit, or making him mad, and I definitely won’t have to worry about any other girls.

  In the meantime, I need to take care of myself for a change.

  Chapter Nineteen

  “She’s just the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” I exclaim, looking down at the tiny bundle in my arms. My little sister is finally here after what felt like forever. I gaze down at her perfect little rosebud of a mouth yawning tiredly.

  “There’s a problem,” Dad says from his seat next to Lisa’s hospital bed.

  “Something’s wrong? What’s wrong with her?” I panic, clutching her protectively trying to fight off any invisible monsters threatening her.

  “Martin, for God’s sake, you scared the life out of her. Nothing’s wrong with the baby, Cassidy. The problem is that we can’t agree on a name for her,” Lisa explains, looking exhausted after thirty-six hours of labor.

  “Thank God, I thought it was something bad,” I say, breathing a sigh of relief. I look down at her cherubic pink face and the perfect name comes to my mind but I keep it to myself.

  “Sorry I scared you, hon, but we would be honored if you would name her for us.”

  I look up at them in shock, thinking that they can’t possibly be serious. How could Lisa trust me enough to name the child she has longed for her entire life?

  Her kind eyes somehow soothe my fear enough to let the name slip from my lips, “Hope.”

  Lisa gasps and her eyes fill with tears. “It’s absolutely perfect,” she sobs.

  “It really is,” Dad agrees, hugging Lisa.

  “I’m your big sister and I’m going to take really good care of you,” I whisper to the perfect sleeping bundle. I lift her up to my lips and kiss her chubby cheek then place her safely back into Lisa’s waiting arms but not before Lisa kisses my cheek.

  “Two perfect daughters. We are so blessed,” Lisa says, looking to Dad. He smiles over at me as my heart soars knowing I’m finally exactly where I belong.

  ****

  The bell rings signaling the beginning of Christmas break. I’m excited about spending the next two weeks with my new baby sister. I linger at my locker watching everyone flit about sharing holiday plans. I button my coat and wrap my scarf around my neck anticipating the same biting wind that blew me through the school doors this morning. I shut my locker and head out, knowing that no one will be stopping by my locker asking what my holiday plans are. I’m almost to the exit doors when I hear someone calling my name. I turn around to see a familiar face heading toward me.

  “Hi, Andrew,” I say, recognizing the handsome senior that sits behind me in English lit. I’m a little shocked that he even knows my name. He’s always polite and says hi when I sit down but that is about the most interaction we’ve ever had.

  He jogs to a stop in front of me, looking flustered. His shaggy brown hair frames kind, sweet- tea-colored eyes and a baby face. He hasn’t quite grown into his handsomeness yet but I have a feeling he will turn some heads at college next fall. He leans his hand on the door jam, trying to appear relaxed. I hold back a giggle when I realize that he wants to ask me out but he’s nervous. It has been so long since anything like this happened to me that I almost didn’t recognize the tell tale signs.

  “Are you going anywhere for break?” I ask him finally as he just stares at me nervously.

  “Just to my Grandma’s in Loveland for Christmas Day but after that I’ll be back.”

  “That sounds nice.”

  “Listen,” he forces out suddenly. “I heard you’re dating some older dude but I thought you might want to go to dinner sometime.”

  “No,” I blurt out uncontrollably.

  “That’s cool. Okay, so you have a great break,” he says, looking like he wants to crawl in a hole and die. He starts to walk away and I grab his arm.

  “I meant, no, I’m not seeing anyone. I’d love to go to dinner,” I explain.

  Andrew’s adorable face bursts into a huge grin. We exchange cell phone numbers and go on our way. I fight the biting wind all the way to my car, smiling the entire way. When I get home and pull into the driveway, I realize that I haven’t thought about Seth for almost fifteen whole minutes for the first time since I met him.

  ****

  It’s been three months since Seth touched me for the last time. In the beginning, I would see him stalking me at school and even driving by the house in the middle of the night. Somehow I could sense anytime he was near. He never approached me, never begged me to take him back, which was lucky for me as my resolve crumbled a little more every time he was near. Dad and Lisa never questioned his disappearance.

  I have dreams about being with him again. I wake up and thirst for him, feeling like nothing will quench it but to have him inside me again. But then I remember that with the pleasure came pain. Sometimes I feel like I might never experience the intensity I had with Seth with anyone ever again, and I wonder if I can live a life like that. Then I look at Hope and know that I would never want her to devalue herself by being in an abusive relationship and that I should value myself as much as I value her.

  I wonder sometimes if the sex between us was so hot because of the volatility of our relationship. I might never experience passion like that again but I also don’t want to feel the sting of a guy’s palm across my cheek again either.

  I finish dressing, carefully applying a full face of makeup, and doing my hair for the first time in months. I realize that I really want to look good for Andrew. Even if we don’t end up as anything more than friends it will be good for me to go out with someone new and take my mind off what I can’t have.

  I hear the doorbell ring and grab my coat and purse and head downstairs. Dad and Lisa are introducing Andrew to Hope as I come down the stairs. He delicately touches the pad of one of his giant fingers to her tiny cheek and she coos her approval. Andrew smiles up at me and a strange feeling almost buckles my knees. I ignore it and continue down the stairs.

  “I’ll take good care of your big girl, Mr. Lawson,” Andrew says, helping me put my coat on.

  “You kids have fun but be careful out there. It’s supposed to snow later,” Dad says pleasantly but I catch him looking Andrew up and down.

  I elbow his arm and smile when he looks at me, knowing he’s busted. It makes me feel
good knowing that he cares though.

  “I won’t be out late,” I announce, kissing Hope’s cheek then heading out the door with Andrew.

  He holds onto my arm tightly as we make our way down the slippery walk. He opens the car door for me and tucks me and my coat in before shutting the door. He slowly makes his way back to the driver’s side and hops in. He starts the car and the radio comes blaring out, scaring me half to death. He reaches over and shuts it off quickly.

  “Sorry about that. I was pretty nervous coming over here so I was trying to get pumped up,” he admits, making me giggle.

  “Why were you so nervous?” I ask.

  “Are you kidding?” he asks, running his hands through his shaggy hair. “Look at you. You’re beautiful and smart and I just can’t believe you’re sitting in my car.”

  “Thank you,” I blush. His words make the last three months worth living through. Even if Andrew and I don’t make a romantic connection, he sees something in me that is worth taking time out of his life to explore. That means there is hope that someday I’ll find someone who will love me the way I deserve to be loved. I lean over and kiss his cheek, catching him off-guard.

  “I don’t know what I did to deserve that but I plan to do more of it before the night is over,” he chuckles, backing carefully out of the driveway.

  Dad and Lisa are standing at the front window holding Hope up. Dad’s moves her tiny fist back and forth in a wave. I wave back, feeling content for the first time in my life.

  “Do you like Italian food?” Andrew asks politely.

  “That sounds wonderful.”

  We chat amicably on our way to a local restaurant that Andrew swears has the best breadsticks on the planet. I knew he was smart by the answers he gave in class but I’m surprised to find out that he has a wide variety of interests. We touch on our families and school subjects and are already discussing our favorite books when we pull into the parking lot of the restaurant. As soon as I see the sign I remember Seth bragging to me that it was his favorite restaurant but for some reason we never got a chance to go together. I shake off the thought, feeling disloyal to Andrew who is being such a dashing host.