by Ssam
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{JACOB}
Oh my god, what did I just do? I thought. I was still looking at the screen where our last conversation was in front of my eyes. I didn’t even let her complete her sentence. I heard her saying that she met this guy and I lost it. I really completely lost it. I cannot imagine her sitting with a guy and talking to him, laughing at his jokes. I didn’t mean it to happen but I was so angry and there was this odd feeling like there is fist clenching my heart, I couldn’t make myself hear what she was going to tell me about that guy. We were strangers and I never did relationship but why was I feeling different with Nichole. Why was this so much different and complecated. This relation is not true right. We are not a real couple, she is my virtual girlfriend. Then why does it hurt so much. Why her last comment hurt me so much. It’s still there on the screen.
Nichole: Fuck you, Jacob. You are my friend not my fucking boyfriend. Go to hell.
But I don’t blame her for her outburst, it was totally my fault. I don’t know what got over me. Why I was behaving like the douche bag which she hates. This is not me; I’m not that jerk who can’t see his friend happy. But is she just my friend. She’ll hate me now. Oh god, I am screwed. I’ll have to make it right. I’ll do whatever it takes to make it right. Even if I have to beg her for forgiveness, I’ll do that too. I cannot afford to lose Nichole Allen, not now not ever. I’ll have to explain her what I am feeling for her. But first I have to understand what that feeling is. So, I texted her even if I knew she won’t be replying me soon but I had to be positive.
Me: Nichole please listen to me, I am really sorry. I know what I said it was out of line and I deserve your anger. I don’t know how to explain, but I will. I promise just talk to me give me one chance to explain it to you so that I can make it right. I am not going give any excuses about what I did. It was my mistake, but please let me explain.
Her reply was instant which was really unexpected. I felt so relieved at least I will get a chance to explain myself.
Nichole: Why should I listen to you? Did you listen to me?
Me: I am really sorry, it was my fault. I am not denying it.
Nichole: Say what you have to and then leave. I don’t want to talk to you anymore.
Me: Let me explain and after that if you think I don’t deserve to talk to you, I’ll not disturb you anymore.
Nichole: Whatever. Make it fast.
Me: I think I am falling for you.
Nichole: But, how is that possible? You don’t even know me?
Me: I know that is what I was telling myself, but it is what it is. And I may not know your true identity, but I know you as a person. You are funny, you are caring, you are strong and you are independent. Any guy will easily fall for you. I know it’s only been one and a half month we started talking, but I know what I am saying and feeling. That is why I was behaving like that. I am sorry.
Nichole: But?
Me: I know I am scared too. But can’t we give it a chance just to see where it goes. I think it’s worth trying. It’s all I have to say. Now it’s up to you what you want.
Nichole: I don’t know. It’s just so odd. I have never thought of you that way. I mean I know you as a person and I know you are a good guy. But being in a distance relationship I don’t think I can manage that. You getting what I am saying right. I want to feel connected to my boyfriend not by chatting or talking over the phone. I want him with me. I know it’s not possible all the time but whenever I can have him I would like for him to be with me.
Me: I know. I want the same. But we can manage if we want to. Wherever you are I’ll come over there to meet you anytime you want me with you. Because I want to give this a try I want to give us a try Nichole. I know we can be happy together.
Nichole: This is scaring me. You know I already had a cheating boyfriend. I cannot afford it to happen again. It will break me.
Me: I know. But you have to build the trust in every relationship right. We can do it together. Just give us a chance.
Please god, just once I want something so badly in my life. I have never wanted anything so badly. Please help me god and let her answer be yes. I was praying in my head. I think I have lost it. I am asking a girl over the internet to give this virtual relationship a chance. That’s fucked up.
Nichole: I need time to think.
Ok, it’s better than a No. so I replied.
Me: Sure.
Nichole: Good night.
Me: Good night Nichole have sweet dreams.
I slept after that and woke up the next morning thinking about Nichole. I was hoping her answer will be yes.
THE MISTAKE
After telling my feelings to Nichole we were talking to each other normally. But I can tell Nichole was a little cautious about what to say or not. She was holding herself back. We talked about normal stuff every day like how our day was and what we did. But she never told me about her answer or she never brought that day up. So when it was two weeks after that night of confessions I was getting a little worried and I wanted so bad to go to her and demand her to give me the answer. But I didn’t know anything where she live or her phone number or where she work. And I didn’t want to be impatient because I knew if I’ll force her into anything she’ll stop talking to me and I would never meet her.
So I never said anything to her. I was getting frustrated and it was showing in my work. I would lash out on anybody for small things. Like the other day my friend Mike, accidently dropped a coffee mug in my kitchen and I bursted out. He was so upset after that and asked me what was wrong. I was not able to concentrate anywhere. I wanted to talk to Nichole so badly. So I did one thing which always helps. I called my mom. She picked up on the second ring.
“Hey baby”, she said. It felt good to hear her voice.
“Hey Mom”
“How are you? It’s been so long you talked to me”, she complained.
“I know and I am sorry I don’t call you often. But you know how the work is”
“Yeah I know. So tell me what is it?”
“Why do you think there is something” how did she know.
“I am you mother Jacob. I know when my son is worried. So tell”
“Nothing maa, there is this girl…” I started.
“Ah. A girl and?”
“Ummmm, her name is Nichole and I want to talk to her so bad, but I don’t know what she wants?” I confessed.
“Oh so finally you got a girl who is giving you a hard time. I like her already”my mom stated with smiling.
I told her all about Nichole and me. She listened to me and finally when I was done with my story she finally said.
“Look, baby I don’t know about her. But if you are feeling something for the girl she would be worth it. Give her some time she had her heartbroken and she don’t want that to happen again and trusting a stranger is hard for a girl. When she’ll be ready she will tell you. Be patient”.
“I am mom, this waiting thing is frustrating me”, I always had an easy access to girls. I never had to do anything for getting a girl before, but this is different. I don’t want it to be a quick relationship or quick fuck like others. I want it to be serious, something special with Nichole. There is something about her which I cannot resist. I want her with me. Want to see her, feel her, and hold her in my arms. I want to know how it feels to hold her in my arms, kiss her and listen to her voice. This thing I feel for her is new for me, but I like it.
“I know baby it’s hard. But you know good thing don’t come around easy”.
“Ya, I know. I love you mom and I miss you”.
“I miss you too and your dad misses you too”.
“How’s dad? I miss him too”.
“He’s good. Went to fishing with Bob and Phil. I’ll tell him you called”.
“Ok mom. Bye. Take care and Thank you”.
After talking to mom, I was feeling a little better and hopeful. But I still didn’t know what to do about Nichole. What if she says No. I
stopped thinking about Nichole and focused on my work that helped a little to keep me busy.