“Get a girl’s number?” Solana raised her eyebrow and looked at me for more information. I didn’t miss the way she pulled her hand away from mine. I narrowed my eyes and looked at her for a few beats.
“Yeah…”
“Was she in your class?” She wrapped her arms around her slender body.
“Not my homeroom. I had a few classes with her though. I thought she was the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen but…” Solana’s arms went from being wrapped around her body to being folded defiantly. He delicate chin was tipped upward. I stifled my laughter.
“But what?” She asked.
“Then I met you.” I touched her chin and she smiled a little bit.
“Aren’t you sweet?”
“Nah. I’m not. I do tell the truth even when I don’t want to though and you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. I’m glad you’re my friend.”
“Me too, Ezra.” She stretched her legs out and climbed over to sit in my lap. That shit gave me a whole host of new shit to think about. I wrapped an arm around her tiny waist then picked up the collage of pictures.
“We were in middle school right here,” I told her. I pointed to a picture of me and Everett wearing matching outfits.
“Oh my god, you two were dressed alike?”
“Yeah. We hated doing that shit in real life but it was literally twin day at school for spirit week. We won hands down.”
“I bet. It was an unfair advantage but it is what it is,” she shrugged with a laugh.
Solana sat nestled in my lap for nearly an hour while I explained every picture to her. She listened to me talk about Everett. She grew quiet when I got emotional and she cried when I did.
She heard me.
“I guess I have to break these pictures down now,” I said looking at them once more.
“You can take them like this and put them on your wall at home, Ezra. I think it would be nice to have these memories.”
“It would be,” I agreed. I hated that I had to move from that spot because I felt whole right there. When I moved, Solana got up and walked around the bedroom.
“Do you want to keep any of his books?” She asked, leaning to the side eyeing the bookshelf.
“Nah. Those are mainly books he stole from me. Fucker.”
“Does it matter where I put them?” She asked, looking around.
“No. My mother didn’t give me any guidelines. She just unlocked the door, let me in and left.”
“I’m trying hard not to judge your mother because I understand how loss affects people differently but she’s flat-out shitting on you for no reason. Like you aren’t going through pain too. Oh, and what the fuck was that back at home? Why was she acting like you were unable to talk or think for yourself?”
“That’s been the case since I got out of the hospital. I told you.”
“That’s bullshit, Ezra. I’m sorry. You’ve been coming to work for an entire week on time and you do exactly what you’re supposed to do.” She set a pile of books in a plastic tub and moved to the next shelf. “She’s probably the reason why you think something is wrong with your brain.”
“I can tell something is wrong with me, Solo. I don’t need my mother in my ear for that. I’m not the same. I’m angry all the time and…”
“Look at me, Ezra.” She took a step closer to me and I looked down at her beautiful chocolate eyes. “You’re angry all the time because your mother snatched away the opportunity for you to say goodbye to the person you shared a womb with. You’re angry because you have survivor’s guilt. You’re angry because you don’t understand why you’re alive when your brother isn’t. On top of that, you have your own mother telling you all the time that you’re not normal. You have every fucking right to be angry but that doesn’t mean you can’t function.”
I heard her words but they didn’t make sense. I was in the hospital. I’d seen doctor after doctor and had tons of tests done. “I know you think nothing is wrong with me, Solo but I know what I feel.”
“And what you feel is a mixture of things but it’s not what you think it is.”
“How can you be so sure?” I countered.
“I can feel it. I know that’s not a lot and it might not be concrete enough for you but I can feel how heavy your heart is. I can feel how cloudy your energy is.” She put another pile of books in the tub then walked over to me. “Promise me you’ll keep coming back to work and letting me do Reiki on you.”
“I promise. Plus, what would ever keep me away from you?”
“Hopefully nothing.” She smiled at me and I smiled back.
“Before you came over, Solo I was thinking some dark shit,” I confessed.
“Like what?” She asked. She put the last pile of books in the tub and then looked at me.
“I wanted to give in and be with Everett.” I let my shoulders drop with the weight of my admittance.
“Fuck,” she sighed, rubbing her forehead. Her full lips fell into a frown and she walked over to me. “I’m glad you called me. I don’t care where I’m at or what I’m doing, I will stop everything and run to you if you’re ever feeling that lost, Ezra.” I knew she meant every word of what she said. Shit, she was already proving it by being there with me right then. “I don’t want you to be with Everett. I know the pull is probably strong but I like having you around and I’ve just started getting to know you.”
“I actually believe everything that comes out of your mouth. That’s rare. Especially after the accident. Everyone thinks I’m defective now. Shit, my mother called me a monster. Not you though. You treat me like I’m normal. So, I think I like having you around too.”
“Defective?” She almost laughed the word out. “Ezra, you’re not defective. If you’re defective then so am I. We can be defective together.” She bumped me with her hips and I pulled her closer to me. I wanted to smell her roses and sugar.
“Thank you, Solana.” She nodded in response. I saw something dancing in her brown eyes. It nudged something deep inside of me.
“Now, let’s get this room packed up, okay?” We broke away from each other before that something grew between us.
We worked side by side going through every corner of Ev’s room. With her beside me, it wasn’t an insurmountable hill to climb. With her beside me, it was cathartic. It took three hours to pack up his room and during that time I found tons of things that made me laugh and cry and stand there in awe that I was actually a twin and had the experience of Everett in my life.
“All done,” Solana said, rubbing her palms against her toned thighs. “How are you feeling?”
“Lighter. Like once I leave this room for good maybe I can say goodbye.”
“That’s what I was hoping for you. Hey, can you show me where the bathroom is?” I pointed her down the hall and then I was alone. I knew it was what Solo wanted.
“I’ll always miss you, bro. I’ll carry you forever. I love you, Everett.” I walked out of his room and shut the door behind myself. I didn’t intend to ever go back inside. If Mom wanted the boxes out of the room she was going to have to figure it out on her own.
I went across the hall to my old room and opened the door. The entire space was empty but I still saw it as the room I grew up in. I still saw the posters of beautiful girls on my walls and the computer over by the wall. I still saw the way my bed sat near the window.
“Hey,” Solana said. She stood in the doorway with one hand on her hip. I motioned for her to come in the room. “Did this used to be your room?” She asked.
“Yeah,” I nodded. My arms burned to hold her. I didn’t want to push it so I stood beside her instead. “All these walls used to be covered with posters of girls.” I made an abstract gesture like I could paint the walls with memories.
“So you were a pervert is what you’re telling me,” she laughed.
“I wasn’t a pervert.”
“You were a virgin moonlighting as a pervert.”
“Nah. Definitely not a virgin,” I said
shaking my head. The corners of Solana’s plump lips turned down. She was impressed but she didn’t want to show it.
“Oh, I’m sorry. You’ve been with a girl or two.”
“Yeah…or more. Just because I was the quiet twin doesn’t mean I didn’t have girls. I just took longer to talk to them than Ev did.”
“You? No. I don’t believe it,” she laughed with her hand over her mouth.
“What’s not to believe? Are you a virgin?” I asked.
“Me? No. Absolutely not. I’m also a grown ass woman.”
“And I’m a grown ass man,” I said looking down at her.
“You are but you’re still only eighteen. Even if you’re not a virgin you’re not experienced.” She sounded so sure of herself. The beast inside of me wanted to show her every ounce of experience I had. The curious side of me wanted to know what she had to teach me. I wet my lips with my tongue and looked at her, sliding my gaze down her body.
Solana had the most perfect body. She was so toned and lean. Every time I put my hands on her hips, they throbbed to do more. To squeeze more and feel more.
“Look, we’re not going to go there. This discussion is only going to lead to somebody trying to prove a point and we’re friends, right?” I asked, folding my arms.
“Yes. Friends,” she said with a short nod.
“Good. So let’s assume that I knocked plenty of backs out of alignment and keep it moving.”
“Oh, what the fuck ever, Ezra. You’re not knocking a goddamn thing out of alignment. Shut up.”
“Yeah okay. Lucky for you I don’t teach my friends lessons when they don’t know how to leave well enough alone.” She rubbed her chest then slid her hand up to her neck and I followed her every step of the way.
“Lord, little boy…”
“Don’t call me that. I don’t like that shit, Solana.”
“I’m sorry. I won’t call you that anymore. Little boy.” Her teasing was stirring something hungry inside of me. Something that wanted to prove to her that there was nothing little about me and that I damn sure wasn’t a boy. She shoved me with her finger but I didn’t move an inch.
“You like playing with fire, don’t you?” I asked her, folding my arms across my chest.
“My name literally means sunshine. So yeah, I love fire.” I wondered if she was attracted to me sometimes. I saw it in fleeting moments when we were alone but right now it was pouring from her and it was hard for me to resist.
“I see. Stop that shit.”
“What? I’m not doing anything,” she grinned.
“So is this what you look like when you’re full of shit? Good to know.” I tugged on her silky ponytail and she stared at me with wide eyes.
“You’re must not know what it means when you pull a woman’s hair.”
“Yeah. I’m pretty sure I know what it means.” I tugged her ponytail again and closed the space between us. Her flat stomach pressed against mine and I could feel how shallow her breathing was.
“Then you like playing with fire too,” she said.
“My only friend’s name literally means sunshine…so yeah, I love fire.” I slid my fingers down her slender neck and her shallow breath stuttered beneath the pads of my fingers. I was dying to grab her neck and pull her against my mouth so I could taste her soft rose sugar lips.
I had to protect her from all my broken pieces though. Even if she didn’t think there was anything wrong with me I knew better. I knew what would happen if I contaminated such a beautiful flower. I was a weed. I would choke her to death.
I yanked my tainted hand away from her perfect cocoa skin and she blinked, shaking her head like she was clearing fog. “Friends. Right?” I said. My voice held onto a sliver of hope like a raft in a raging ocean of rejection.
“Yeah…” She didn’t sound sure but I didn’t press it. “Um, wanna go grab lunch?”
“I’m not supposed to leave the house.”
“Fuck that. Let’s go before the warden gets back.” She spun around and headed out of my room. I shook my head at her but I still followed.
I’d follow Solana anywhere.
I’d follow her into the sun.
We drove in her little yellow bug to get Chipotle. She ordered a vegan bowl and I stared at her quizzically. “You’re vegan?” I asked. I tore into my chicken burrito bowl hungrily.
“Yes, Ezra. How the hell didn’t you notice that?” She laughed.
“I know I saw you eat a chicken wing one day at the studio.”
“No the fuck you didn’t,” She slapped my arm from across the table. I grabbed her hand and held on to it for a few extra seconds.
“Do you have any tattoos?”
“Yes,” she nodded. “One. It’s big though.”
“It’s big?” I looked her up and down and shook my head. “I’ve seen you in shorts and tank tops and never once did I see a big tat on you. You’re only big as a fucking minute. Where is it?”
“Can’t tell you.” She winked and my chest burned. My fingers twitched with the need to peel away her clothes until I found the treasure I was seeking.
“So I need to take you swimming is what you’re telling me?”
“I’m down. Let me know when.”
“Monday. After work.”
“I have a class at the college on Monday. They have a pool. Come register for classes and we can go for a dip afterward.” She leaned forward and I stared at her pretty face. Her eyelashes were impossibly long. She looked like a doll baby. My gaze climbed down her face, lingering a bit on the beauty mark on her cheek.
“Deal.”
“Good. I get to see you in swim trunks.” She bit her bottom lip then shoved a forkful of food in her mouth. She was pushing it. I couldn’t pretend like I didn’t know she was flirting with me. I couldn’t pretend I wasn’t flirting with her either.
We both knew better.
“Not like you haven’t seen me shirtless before.”
“I know but there’s something about swim trunks that make it even better. You know…from a friend’s point of view.”
“Yeah whatever, Solo.”
“What? Maybe I like having a friend that also serves as eye candy.”
“Remember to look and not touch. I’m too young. Too young and too broken.” Solana’s smile slipped away and she shook her head at me.
“Ezra, you’re not broken and if you were twenty-one I probably would act like I didn’t have any morals. I love your personality. I love the way your mind works. Nothing that I’ve seen from you so far scares me away…besides the fact that you’re a baby.”
Our eyes locked. Her brandy gaze on mine.
“So in another lifetime…” I let my words hang in the air. Her fingers danced across my knuckles while her eyes drilled into me.
“In another lifetime we’d light up the sky with the energy between us.” I saw a flash of sadness in her eyes and I wanted to chase it away with a sword and shield. I didn’t know how to be a knight in shining armor but for Solana, I’d learn to be whatever she needed.
“We do have crazy energy,” I agreed.
“We do. That’s why we’ll have to settle for being amazing, beautiful friends.”
“We’re going to have to have this conversation a million times because every time I look at you, I forget what platonic means. Defective brain…remember?” I tapped my forehead and cracked a smile.
“Ezra Fredericks, are you making jokes on your own behalf?”
“I am.”
“Good. Laughter is the best medicine.” I could think of something else that would top medicine but I kept my mouth shut.
The entire time Solana and I ate and laughed, I kept playing the song Next Lifetime by Erykah Badu in my head. I’d look for her in every corner of the world next lifetime.
Sometimes you know when you’ve found something special and Solana was special to me. I knew if I ever was able to have a normal relationship that I’d always compare every woman to her. I never even had the chanc
e to taste her lips or be inside of her and I was already ruined for every other woman in the world.
“Thank you for lunch, Solo,” I said before getting out of the car. As much as I hated to see her leave, I was glad to climb out of that tiny ass tin can she drove around in. I was too tall for that shit.
“No problem. I guess I should leave before your mother comes back.”
“Yeah. She might actually let me come work with you so let’s not push it,” I laughed.
“Oh god, I don’t want to make her angry,” she rolled her eyes and I smiled at her.
“I’ll see you later, beautiful.” I leaned over the driver side and looked at her face one more time before she left.
“You have to stop calling me beautiful,” she told me.
“Why?” I touched the soft hair behind her ear then pulled my hand away.
“Because I’ll smile the whole way home like an idiot.”
“Okay. No more beautiful. I’ll see you later, gorgeous.” I tapped the top of her yellow tin can and she laughed before throwing it in reverse and backing away.
She was gorgeous. I didn’t see anything wrong with letting her know every chance I got how perfect she was. I waved as she drove down the street and she honked the horn right before she turned the corner.
I looked around outside and saw kids riding their bikes and playing. I knew that meant I needed to get my ass in the house before trouble came looking for me. I knew I wouldn’t back down and I could end up seriously hurt as a result.
Once I was in the house, I checked my phone and saw I had four missed calls from Mom. I groaned knowing she was going to lose her shit because I didn’t answer her. I didn’t feel like talking to her though. She didn’t have anything positive to say and I noticed every time I was around her, my energy dropped and I felt like I was on fire with anger. I didn’t like feeling like that.
I’d deal with her wrath when she came to pick me up. I thought I’d have time to prepare myself before I had to look at her and see the hatred in her brown eyes. I didn’t. Twenty minutes after I got in the house, the key turned in the lock.
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