“Should we stop him?” Cedar asked.
“No, he’s fine,” Gale said. “You didn’t know him before his PWD, but this is pretty normal.”
“Has he always been so flippant?”
“Yes. Believe it or not, he can be quite a smooth talker too. He didn’t mean anything by it. It’s that bold and nonchalant attitude that gets him so many eyes, for better or for worse.” Then Gale shouted, “Did I say you could use one of our SUVs to go to Fairbanks?”
“I’ll hot-wire one if you deny me the privilege,” Yuri said without turning his head; Gale could hear him perfectly well.
“Maybe you should start thinking about the future, Yuri. What are your goals? You can’t just mess around forever.”
“What else are you supposed to do with your life?” Yuri tossed his hand back in a lazy goodbye and exited the building. He didn’t bother shutting the door because, like clockwork, Lance was behind him, and he took care of it.
Satisfied, Yuri slung his arm over his brother’s shoulders. “Tonight is going to be good.”
Lance didn’t have anything to say about that.
CHAPTER THREE
THE SMALL STAGE WAS lit, and all the bleary-eyed patrons of the bar were at half-attention. Ash Nobody stood on that stage. Places like these were perfect for them to perform. No one came for Ash specifically because they never planned ahead. Ash was like a leaf carried on the wind; they went wherever it took them. Their social media following could try to keep up, but it wasn’t easy. Ash liked it that way. They liked to drift into their own little world of music.
Together with their ukulele, Ash created a sanctuary no malevolent force could touch.
“This next song is very special to me,” Ash told the audience as they pulled the microphone to their lips. “You know how people say when you have a crush or love someone it feels like butterflies in your stomach? I never got what that meant, but I never got love either. It’s an abstract concept, right? It’s something only butterflies know. Or it was. After twenty-three years of being alive on this planet, I can say I’m in on the secret.”
Ash took a moment to take in the crowd, to see this reality. It didn’t look like much. The bright lights did an excellent job of concealing faces. It didn’t matter anyway. Lance wasn’t here again.
Once Ash strummed that first chord on the ukulele, setting the key for themself, all those ghostly silhouettes disappeared. It was just Ash and the music.
“‘Something Only Butterflies Know,’ everybody,” Ash said, and then they sang for the one who wasn’t there.
Walking along a road that never ends
A rhythm made by feet on earth
Lyrics and stories stream in my head
A record of all the places I’ve been
No destination made for me
I am on the road to nothing
And I meant to keep it at nothing
But a kaleidoscope of butterflies find me
I have heard it said a time or two
There’s something only butterflies know
It’s a feeling, a wondrous feeling
It starts in your stomach and grows
No destination made for me
I am on the road to nothing
And I meant to keep it at nothing
But a kaleidoscope of butterflies find me
They fly from above
In a vortex called love
I swallow them whole
Then lose all control
It all starts with a look
A simple look from a stranger
A short exchange of words
There isn’t any danger
Your eyes tell a story I’ve never heard
I hardly know you, but something inside of me stirs
That should be the end
I’ve recorded your story
But I come again
Guided by fluttering wings
Because your eyes tell a story I’ve never heard
What was cold is now warm, and there is more
That’s when I know
I’ve discovered what only butterflies know
Ash kept their gaze soft and low to the ground, resting on the synthetic fur of their boots when they strummed the last chord. This was the only love song Ash had written. Maybe. Ash didn’t know if it was a love song or not, but it was born of love, dedicated to a special someone they had bonded with, the same someone they hadn’t seen in over a month: Lance.
Clapping filled the bar and drew Ash out of their isolation. Ash had never felt so empty. They had always been detached from everything because life taught them to be. Life turned them into a nomad, and it was time to move again. Lance wasn’t coming back, and Ash would carry their first broken heart.
Ash stepped down from the stage as several people made comments and offered drinks. Ash ignored every one of them because they were leaving. They were going back to the Campfire Hotel. They’d play some more music and get lost for a while. Then they’d pack up and leave. Tonight Ash couldn’t even bring themself to take a picture for their Instagram followers. It would have been simple enough, a quick smile and a selfie, but Ash didn’t feel like smiling, not even for a second. They kept swallowing like they were trying to keep something from crawling up their throat. Their vision shimmered, and it wasn’t because of the bright lights that had pierced their eyes onstage.
After weaving their way through the last of the tables, Ash would have had a clear shot to the door if not for the man who blocked their way. Ash stopped and reluctantly raised their chin to get a look at the guy. Their eyes had to scale a wall of muscle before reaching a million-watt smile shining through a scruffy beard. The beard was only a few inches long, but it was thick, and it hid the finer features of the lower half of his face. His eyes were brown at a glance, but there was a subtle burst of orange somewhere deep inside of them; they resembled fire. Ash had been here, playing at Tipsy almost every night, for months now, but they had never seen this man before.
If Ash hadn’t been heartbroken over Lance, they would have been more than intrigued by this newcomer; he was hot as fuck.
“You have the voice of an angel,” he said. “Never met a gal who could sing like that.”
“They and them,” Ash said.
“What?” The man raised an eyebrow so subtly it was more of a visual cue than a reaction.
Ash held out their hand for him to shake. “Those are the pronouns I use.”
The man took their hand. “Got it. I’m Yuri. What’s your name?”
Ash liked that he didn’t ask for an explanation. “My name’s Ash. You would’ve heard that if you had been here when I started my session.”
“Guilty. I almost missed your performance entirely, but I’m glad I didn’t.”
He was still holding Ash’s hand and quickly ran his thumb across their knuckles before withdrawing. This guy was smooth. Brokenhearted or not, that one touch brought Ash’s body to attention. This warm buzz flooded their skin, promising the sweet caress of distraction. That grin hadn’t left Yuri’s face. He was too endearing. Maybe the buzz Ash felt wasn’t coming from inside of them at all. Maybe Ash’s skin was catching invisible fireworks from Yuri. Maybe everyone in the room was because he was drawing many more eyes than Ash’s. There were several salivating women and some salivating men who would have loved to steal his attention away.
“Are you a model?” Ash asked.
“Hell no. That life wouldn’t suit me. I’m a shower-and-go kind of guy.”
“You’re right. You look too rugged for that, but damn.”
Yuri chuckled. It was a big sound that entered Ash’s ears and sank all the way down to their core.
Suddenly Ash was smiling, too. Yuri’s emotions were contagious. Ash had met similar people on their endless journey, but none of them were quite as magnetic. It was a bit unnerving. No, that wasn’t it. There was nothing “wrong” with Yuri. It was the name: Yuri. Lance had told Ash that name before. Hearing it now, from
this stranger, sent a pang through their chest that made them feel emptier. It was the kind of loneliness a single tree must have felt in the middle of a concrete city.
Yuri was the name of Lance’s twin brother. Ash didn’t know much beyond that since Lance was best described as a block of ice—when they first met him, anyway. Ash had to chip away at him to discover the warmth that hid at his center, but there was still plenty they didn’t know and would never know. This couldn’t be Lance’s Yuri. Yeah, their skin tone and hair color were drastically different, but most importantly, Lance’s Yuri was very sick. This guy was a shining beacon of health.
“Can I buy you a drink?” Yuri asked.
“Maybe,” Ash said.
“Or we can skip all the pussyfooting and start a fire somewhere.” There was a glint in his eyes that danced like a flame. Ash decided his spirit was made of an indomitable fire. That was why they could see it in his eyes.
Ash hummed. They coyly stepped back from the stranger and made their way to the bar. They took an empty stool on the end and watched out of the corner of their eye as Yuri took a seat beside them.
“Warm honey-lemon water if you please, Frank,” Ash said when the bartender came around.
“Already got you covered, kid,” the old man said as he slid a mug their way.
“Thanks.”
“What about you, boy?” Frank turned his attention to Yuri. “Damn, got enough muscle on you? You some kind of bodybuilder?” Ash couldn’t blame Frank. Yuri was wearing a skin-tight T-shirt; it was impossible not to notice his physique and the tattoos emblazoned on his arms.
“Yes,” Yuri deadpanned and put money on the counter. “Whiskey neat.”
Frank set a shot glass down and poured the drink. When he slid it over to Yuri, Yuri knocked it back quick and tapped the glass back down on the counter. He showed his teeth and growled. “Give me another one, old man.”
Frank did as he was asked and left to take care of another customer.
“So, what’s this about starting fires?” Ash asked. “Were you joking?”
Yuri knocked back the next shot and hissed. “No joke, but it’s probably illegal.”
“Are you the dangerous sort?”
“If that’s what you want me to be.”
“You’re just trying to appeal to my type?”
Yuri shrugged. His smile was playful. “I guess you could call me the dangerous sort, but don’t knock it till you try it. Arson can be an interesting pastime. And tonight feels like a good night to make ‘bad decisions.’” He made air quotes with his fingers.
“I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone like you before, Yuri. Are you trying to get laid or are you looking for a partner in crime? I’m getting mixed messages.”
“Yeah, I’m out of practice. Arson isn’t usually a good pick-up line. What I’d really like is to fuck you, and however we get around to doing that is fine with me.”
“What if I say no?”
“Then that’s that. At least I put myself out there. Never any harm in doing that.” His smile was so easy. Ash would have never described a smile as lazy before, but Yuri’s was just that.
Ash laughed. Yuri probably had a few screws loose, but others had accused Ash of that same thing. Yuri looked like someone who could make them feel good, and Ash had no problems with breaking rules. Tonight, they’d welcome both things wholeheartedly. Alcohol could numb their feelings, music could take them away from this reality for a while, but maybe Yuri could do more.
Just then, the bar door slammed shut. The windows rattled with the force of it, drawing every eye in the bar, but there was nothing to see. The culprit was gone. Out a window, Ash saw a silhouette of someone hunched over, drawing up their coat collar to protect them from the snow as they slunk away. Someone was having a bad night. Me too, person, Ash thought. But maybe Ash’s night was about to get a lot better. Or worse. That was also a possibility.
“Am I wrong in assuming you’re a little wild?” Yuri asked. “Because if you’re actually the careful type, we can stop this right now. I’m looking for someone who’s reckless. I’m not offering dinner dates or anything romantic. I can’t get the image of us fucking in a burning building out of my head.” He moved in closer, and Ash stayed in place, firm as a statue. Their noses almost touched. “Dangerous and sexy,” Yuri promised. “You in or out?”
“I’ve never had anyone offer something so outrageous, and I think you’re serious about it.”
Yuri tapped his fingers smoothly against the counter. It wasn’t a twitch or a nervous action. It was calculating, a constant rhythm like the flick of a cat’s tail. He was getting ready to pounce.
“I’m in,” Ash said.
“You’re either really dumb or you have no sense of self-preservation,” Yuri remarked. “I fucked up with the whole fire thing almost right when I started talking to you. That’s not how you pick up chicks, but you’re different. So, I decided to roll with it to see what your reaction would be. I expected you to turn tail, but you’re still here.”
“The latter,” Ash said. “It takes one to know one. I’ve done my fair share of reckless things, and I’ve got nothing to lose.”
That brought out the gleam in Yuri’s eyes tenfold, and it was followed by a big shit-eating grin. “When you could die tomorrow, why play it safe?”
Yuri’s words were an odd echo in Ash’s head. Ash went with the flow. The thought of dying tomorrow didn’t scare them. They had thought about ending it all before, but they kept finding things that kept them going. Ash was hanging on to a narrow ledge. Sometimes, the ledge would start to crumble. Other times, it would hold steady as a mountain. Lance had almost given them the strength to climb up and leave the ledge behind forever, but then he disappeared without a word. Now the ledge was crumbling faster than ever. Ash was holding on to paper and it was tearing, unable to hold their weight.
Lance wasn’t coming back, and Ash would fight through a broken heart. They wished the butterflies had kept their secret. It would have spared them this pain.
“Sounds like we’re both people with nothing to lose,” Ash said, “so let’s play with fire.”
CHAPTER FOUR
“HOW MUCH FARTHER, AND where are we going exactly?” Ash asked. “I’m starting to think you’re a serial killer who wants to find the perfect place to bury my body.”
“We’re almost there, and I’m very offended,” Yuri said. He scanned the snowy scenery outside the moving truck. If Yuri hadn’t been a tiger shifter, he wouldn’t have been able to see what he was looking for, but, as things stood, the dark wasn’t much of a visual obstacle for him. “I remember I saw an abandoned building around here. We’ll more likely be able to play the game if we’re not in such a populated area.”
“We’re in the middle of nowhere officially now,” Ash said.
“There.” Yuri rolled down the window and pointed. “Park in that clearing over there, but don’t go too far out.”
“Wow, it’s like all the trees disappear over there, huh? I wonder why.”
Ash turned their ancient truck off the road. Yuri wasn’t exaggerating with that assessment. The truck was like an old man with blotchy, saggy skin, but it was well-suited for this kind of weather, rugged and ready to go on any kind of adventure. If Yuri had been in a different mood, and if it hadn’t been so dark out for a human, he might have suggested an off-road adventure that could have ended with sex in the truck.
Ash was hot. Fucking hot. Yuri was half-hard right now. He couldn’t get the memory of their perfect tits out of his head. They had worn nothing but a tank top back at Tipsy. The material was thin, and Ash wasn’t wearing a bra. It left little to the imagination. Their boobs were the perfect size to palm and knead. And their thighs. Ash’s thighs were thick and strong; it was obvious they had spent a lot of time on their feet. They didn’t wear makeup, and they didn’t need to. Their dark brown skin was unblemished, and their eyelashes were full and black. Their look would have been all natural if not for
their curly bleached-white hair and the faded rainbow coloring the right half of it.
Oh yeah, Yuri was ready to get laid—after they fucked up some shit.
“All right, let’s get out,” Yuri said when Ash had parked and the snow had stopped screaming. “Good job not driving us into the ice. We’d be swimming right now.”
“Ice? What the hell?”
“It’s a lake.”
“You might have mentioned that before.”
“Details.”
“I didn’t even know there was a lake out here.” Ash squinted.
Yuri chuckled. “Doesn’t matter. I would’ve told you before we drove into it. Promise.”
Ash turned off the headlights. “So, are we on the wrong side? I don’t see any abandoned buildings.”
“There’s one across the lake, but we’re on the right side.” Yuri pointed again, now that Ash’s fragile human eyes wouldn’t be competing with the truck’s headlights.
“Oh, I see it. I think.”
Yuri winked and kicked open his door. He stepped out into the snow, looked at the trees behind him, and back out at the iced-over lake. He tugged at the collar of his coat as the cold penetrated his uncovered skin. What could he do to make this as exhilarating as possible? Well, he was stuck on the image of fire, so running with that sounded like a good idea. First, they’d need some branches to act as torches. Fire wouldn’t start too easily in this weather, but there was a gas can in the truck bed, and Yuri was willing to bet it wasn’t empty.
Ash didn’t question him. They waited patiently, silently observing. It was refreshing. He usually resorted to doing shit like this by himself since everyone else started complaining about the situations he’d get them into. “It’s too dangerous, Yuri,” they’d say and, “You need to rest, Yuri.” Lance and Mateo never nagged so much until his seizures got worse and worse. They didn’t get it. They never had. He was in it for the thrill, and for the novelty. It was a chance to live and to remind himself that he was alive.
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