Being Jolene

by Caitlin Kerry

  Yet, as I stood in the country bar in the middle of Gypsum, Idaho, I started to rethink my whole notion on the bar scene. What I was looking at was quite strange. All I could see was cowboy boots, wranglers, and granola type people. Lots of hats. I scanned the bar from the rickety wooden table I was perched at. This was one of those times where I knew heavy drinking was not a good idea so I slowly nursed my vodka cranberry and took in the crowd. The good ol’ boys were out in full force tonight. I mean, yes I was from Idaho, but I rarely left Boise, a large city. I was used to the more outdoorsy type, Boise was full of them, but all the cowboys I was seeing reminded me that I did in fact live in Idaho. As I took another drink of the watered down beverage, my eyes caught made contact with the last person I wanted to see.

  The lumberjack.

  Shit. Of all my luck, of course Sexy Lumberjack would be here. I was known for being on top of my game. I always had a witty comeback and I never let anything affect me. Or at least that was the image I put out there. Sexy lumberjack threw me off my game that morning a month ago. Not okay. I scrunched up my nose as I took him in as he stood there, a bright smile on his face as he twisted the bottled in his hands.

  Fuck me. What was I supposed to do for four months in this barely-there town with all of these cowboys. And one lumberjack. I didn’t even bother to drink the rest of my vodka cranberry. I threw a few singles on the table and grabbed my purse to head out of the bar. I was done with this night.

  I was practically out the door when I heard, “Hey. Caleb’s girl.”

  I stopped. His alluring soft, deep voice wasn’t anything new. I had heard plenty of men whisper pet names in my ear because they couldn’t remember my actual name. I smirked to myself and turned around to face him.

  “Lumberjack,” I addressed him.

  He raised a brow. “I’m not a lumberjack.”

  I matched his raised brow. “I’m not Caleb’s girl.”

  We stood there. He slowly took a pull of his beer, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed, and I couldn’t help but feel a brief flutter in my stomach. Oh no, none of that. If I had a drink, I would have done the same, trying to intimidate him. Throw us back a couple hundred years and this could be an old fashioned shoot off.

  We both took each other in. I was a tall girl and usually I went for tall boys, but as I looked at Ty, I saw he wasn’t much taller than me. He only had an inch on me, if that. He was all wrong, even if my body was saying differently. Yes, I would be the first to admit that my type had a wide range, but mostly they fell under . . . not country. Ty looked like he came straight from the woods; I could smell the campfire on him, see the dirt on the cuff of his shirt. Plus, he had a beard and he was wearing flannel. Again. This time it was blue and black. What a trend-setter. I couldn’t tell if he was a hipster or actually enjoyed wearing it. What I could appreciate, though, was his lack of wranglers. Nope, he was wearing regular jeans, snug on his fine ass.

  “Let me buy you a drink,” he said, ending the stand off and bringing me back from my obvious gawking.

  A sentence I had heard many times. Usually that sentence led to more drinks and then to a private spot where a quick hook-up was surely the outcome. At this point in the game, I would have winked and said lead the way as I linked my arm with whoever would supply me with alcohol. But, for the first time in a long time, I hesitated. Taking this first step felt different than times before. I was the girl who took action and thought later, not the one who thought things through. Oh, I did plenty of calculated thinking, but I always had a game plan. This seemed different.

  But old habits die hard. I cleared my head and took a step forward, linked my arm with his, and winked. “Vodka cranberry. Thanks.”

  Fast forward to an hour later and I was at the same place as I usually was. See, I knew the bar scene wasn’t any different, even in this podunk Idaho town. Ty had already thrown down a few beers before he bought me a vodka cranberry. After I coerced him into a couple shots, we were at that stage where you were hot and sweaty from the booze running through your veins and the innocent touches were quickly heating up. Ty leaned into my ear. “Baby, you look like a fish out of water in this bar.” The pet names were always the same. Baby. Honey. Sweetheart. They all meant nothing to me, but I came back seeking and craving the attention and the rush of the first time you connect with someone. It didn’t have to be a life changing connection, but it was a connection nonetheless. I lifted my eyes and smiled. “Oh really?” I said with a bit of smolder behind it. I was nowhere near being drunk. Even if I was sitting here letting a guy buy me a drink, I still knew that I should be aware of my surroundings.

  Ty leaned in even farther, his earthy, exotic scent intoxicating. I was sitting and he was standing, our hips touching. He reached up and put his hand on my cheek. It was hot and clammy from the drinking. And then we were kissing. Even for how drunk he was, he was still gentle as he kissed me, his lips warm against mine. “Follow me,” he said.

  I did. I always followed as they grabbed my hand and took me a place where we could find that connection. What Ty didn’t know was that while at first I followed, I would be the first to leave.

  Typically, though, those places were apartments or dark rooms. Not the side of a bar made out of logs. But that didn’t stop our sloppy kisses as I wrapped my legs around Ty. He was strong as he lifted my not-petite frame up against the logs that dug into my back. I would probably be finding splinters in my ass after this. His hands snuck under my skirt and he laid hot kisses on my neck. I groaned out in pleasure. Whatever was going on between us took over and I lost any thought of where we were. I reached for his pants and undid his jeans, reaching inside to find him hard against me. “Protection,” I breathed out. His hand left my waist as he reached to grab his wallet. He held me up with one hand. That was pretty impressive. He reached and ripped my underwear out from my dress; I could feel the sting on my hip as the cloth tore. I felt him fumble around, but his mouth never left mine. And then with one swift movement he was inside me. I gasped from the abruptness of it but relished in it as we found a steady rhythm together. He moved in me, hitting all the right spots. “Does that feel good, baby?” I moaned my appreciation. I mean, it did feel good. It usually did, but I knew that I was not going to make it there. His movements quickened, and I knew this connection I craved would be gone sooner than I would’ve liked. It always was. We continued to move against each other. “You close, baby?” he questioned in my ear as he continued to move inside me. No, I was not close but there was no need to ruin his illusion that he was a master in the sack. Or, well, a master of the outdoors considering where we were. I snorted but hid it so he wouldn’t detect the thoughts running through my head.

  Instead, I did what every woman has done before. I faked it. I pushed my hips against his as he raced to the finish and gave my best fake orgasm cry. He was a nice guy; he deserved at least that. He came after my loud moans, which pushed him over the top, and then he slowly let me down as we separated, trying to catch his breath. He was nice enough to pull my skirt down, but my underwear was lost, hopefully lost enough no one would ever find it. Even if he was slightly drunk, he still gave me gentle kisses.

  Unfortunately for Ty, after sex coddling was not my thing.

  “Thanks,” I said to him as I pulled away. He stopped kissing me. His eyes focused on mine and even in the dark, the only light coming from flickering neon “Open” sign, his lips were tight with confusion. “Uh . . . yeah. Okay,” he mumbled to me.

  I gave him a small smile, letting go of his arms as I walked away. I was always walking away.

  CHAPTER TWO

  Ty

  All I could hear was the pounding of my feet against the dirt. The trail was worn from use and deep ruts were etched in the ground. I knew the trail like the back of my hand, my feet leading me through the almost summer meadow. This was my fourth summer running this trail and I enjoyed the fact that the first run of the summer wasn’t a muddy mess. I was also trying to run off t
he amount of alcohol I had drank last night, as well as the woman I couldn’t get out of my head. I didn’t even know her name, but that didn’t stop me from fucking her outside the bar. I felt like it was fate that I saw here again in the bar. The first time in Caleb’s apartment was kismet, but the second time I wasn’t going to let it slip away from me. Of course, I royally fucked it up instead.

  My mind couldn’t process the night before and how out of character it was for me. For most men, maybe that was a norm, a careless hookup after drinking, but I liked to get to know the person I was being with, as old fashioned as that sounded. I had never done anything like last night that I was having trouble figuring out how it got out of control so fast. One thing led to another, and suddenly we were fucking against the bar. I felt like a douche. I couldn’t afford to make mistakes. I couldn’t be careless, not when I had people depending on me and while I was still trying to prove myself. What an idiot I was, treating her like she was an easy one-night stand. I had only met her briefly at Caleb’s, what was I thinking? I didn’t know anything about her . . . even worse I didn’t even know her name.

  I was thinking too much. Damnit, runs were meant to help me clear my mind. That was why I never listened to music when I ran, but only took in the quiet of nature and the sound of my feet against the trail. A steady beat that kept me going. I rounded the corner and pushed myself up the last hill. It was always brutal but one of the reasons why I was fond of this route. It was a little bit out of the way, but challenging enough to keep me on my toes. I hit the top of the hill and started to coast down, trying to control my speed so I didn’t hit a rock and roll the rest of the way down instead. As the head of the trail came into view I slowed down and came to a stop, working towards steadying my breathing.

  By the clearing there was an A-frame cabin that was usually rented out for the summer by the local lodge in Gypsum. It was their most secluded cabin but I knew summer after summer here, it rarely got rented due to location and size. Since they hadn’t opened yet, I was surprised to see a dark haired woman sitting on the back porch.

  Even more surprised to see it was the girl from the bar.

  Fuck.

  I was sweating, out of breath and here was this siren of a woman sitting serenely on a porch with a cup of tea in her hand and a pad of paper on her lap, a pencil in her left hand moving vigorously over the paper.

  She was focused on whatever it was she was writing, not paying attention at all at anything going on around her. It gave me an out, one where I could walk away and she would never notice me. The embarrassment of last night would blow away with the wind. I shouldn’t have just had sex with her. I should have asked for her name and I should have been sober. I didn’t treat her right. I could walk away and she wouldn’t know anything different.

  Instead, I coughed to get her attention, to make this situation right because even if it was awkward as hell, I needed to fix this. And honestly, I wanted her damn name. A part of me wanted more, as crazy as it sounded.

  A name, a number, something because when I saw her strutting out of Caleb’s room and then again in the bar, here in one of the smallest towns in Idaho, I knew I could turn a coincidence into an opportunity. It had been a long time since I had wanted an opportunity with a woman. A chance, that was all.

  She didn’t look up, though. I took a few steps towards the porch and said, “Hey,” which made her jump, dropping her pencil. She reached down and grabbed her pencil and then looked up to see who had called out in greeting. When her head moved up and her eyes sought mine, I saw a range of emotions filter through before she quickly hid them behind her gorgeous face. Shock followed by the tinniest bit of guilt and then nothing. It was obvious she knew who I was. At least I was somewhat unforgettable, but the look on her face had me taking in a large breath, brewing up my courage. I didn’t take that as a good sign so before she could speak I quickly said, “I wanted to apologize for last night.”

  This time she didn’t hide the shock on her face. “Seriously?” she gaped at me.

  I shrugged. “It wasn’t right of me. I shouldn’t have been drinking and you deserved better than that.”

  “I . . . I . . . um.” She took a small sip of her tea, looking everywhere except at me. Her gaze went down to her cup. “I don’t think I’ve ever had a guy apologize for sex before. This is a first.” Her head lifted and here eyes finally met mine.

  I gestured to the seat next to her. “Can I sit?”

  She shook her head in disbelief. “Why not? Let’s see how more weird we can make this.”

  I took a seat and leaned on my knees, looking over at her.

  Whoever she was.

  Her dark hair tumbled down her back in thick waves and her dark chocolate eyes were free of makeup, her natural beauty shining through. “What’s your name?” I asked softly, because then maybe she would respond the same way and her name would only be mine to hear, mine to know, like she was a secret treasure and it was my lucky day when I stumbled over it.

  “Jo. Jolene Hayes. And you’re Ty, which is not short for anything.”

  I grimaced, remembering seeing her the first time in Caleb’s apartment. “I lied about that. My full name is Tyrell, but I hate it. I much rather go by Ty, so I don’t even bother telling people anything different.”

  She smirked. “You lied to me and apologized for bad sex. I’m at a loss of words.”

  I borrowed my brows. “Bad sex, huh?”

  She didn’t even flinch. “Whoops. I guess you didn’t say that. I did.”

  Awesome. Not only had I had a one-night stand with her, but it was bad sex. I only sighed at the mess I had made.

  She looked at me, tapping her pencil against the pad of paper. I glanced over to see she wasn’t writing but rather drawing. A face, but in a very abstract way, everything blurring together. She pulled the pad closer to her blocking her drawing. “Would you like some water, you busted through the trail out of breath and quite sweaty.”

  “Taking pity on me? You know, for the bad sex?”

  She laughed as she got up and my god, it was a sexy sound. One I wanted to hear over and over again. Dammit, Ty, you needed to clear your head because the chances you have with Jolene had been small before you even started and so far you’re sinking.

  Jolene sat down the bottle of water and I drank the whole thing in less than thirty seconds, not knowing how thirsty I was, but I had pushed myself on that run. Then came silence, really fucking awkward silence. The only sound was her constant light tapping with her pencil. I wondered if it was a nervous tick, a give of hers.

  As the silence waned on, I knew I wanted to see her again. In a town this small, I probably would but I was at a loss of what to say because I felt like I had already screwed everything up. I stood, clenching the empty plastic bottle in my hand. “Thanks for the water, Jolene.” She nodded her head, tapping faster. “I should go but I just wanted to say . . . yeah know . . . sorry and everything. I hope to see you around.”

  After that stuttering statement, I walked off the porch and didn’t look back, trying to save face. It pained me to leave her, but the situation seemed to be dismal, I would only do more damage if I kept talking.

  “Hey.” I heard behind me, her voice attacking my senses. I turned around. She sat there, the pencil still in her hand, but it had stopped moving.

  “Yeah,” I answered back.

  She opened her mouth and paused, but then she was biting bottom lip, her eyes flittering.

  “Glad to know you got home safe.” She said. I felt like she wanted to say more, but was holding back. I knew I was doing the same thing. There was something there, something we weren’t addressing. I only nodded and turned back around, leaving her to sit on the porch, by herself. But I had a feeling that wouldn’t always be the case.

  I was usually pretty confident around woman, though not like there were many, but I had some game. At least I thought I did but once I invited Jolene over for a drink last night, I lost all game. It was bad en
ough I felt like I was scoring for the other team. I walked the short trail between the cabin and the station. Most all the land in this area was federally owned and it didn’t take me long to find myself back at the station.

  I saw Paul walking towards the truck we used for work and he waved his hand in greeting. “How was the run?” he asked as I came up to him.

  I told him the truth. “Awful.”

  “Come across a bear or something?”

  No, only a beautiful woman. I sighed, putting my hands on my hips. “Not a bear, a woman.”

  Paul stopped with his hand on the open truck door, glancing over at me. “Find a damsel in distress on your run? How would that be a bad thing?”

  Nothing about Jolene said damsel in distress. Actually, it seemed the opposite. Even from the few times I had talked to her, she seemed to be independent, a girl who never asked for help.

  “You know that girl from the bar last night?”

  Paul nodded his head and said, “Yeah the brunette from the city? I saw you two sneak out.”

  “I had sex with her. Against the wall of the bar.”

  Paul barked in laughter. “Holy shit, Ty. I was not expecting that from you. Way to go.” He put his hand in the air for a high five but I stood there, not reciprocating.

  “No? Not a high five? Alright, man. So you found her on the trail? That’s strange.”

  “She’s living in the lodge’s A-frame I think.”

  “Oh, yeah. Jolene, right? She’s the lodge’s new front of house manager.”

  “How did you know that?”

  “I’m sleeping with Elizabeth. She told me about Jolene.”

  “And how is dear Lizzy,” I asked, sarcasm blatant in my tone.

  “Elizabeth is fine. Thank you very much.”

  I held my tongue, but when it came down to it, Elizabeth was not the most pleasant person. She came here every summer trying to find a new guy at the station to sleep with. I had already shut her down the summer before. Paul would figure out soon enough how vile she was.