Garrett makes a sound that sounds suspiciously like a laugh covered by a cough, and I picture him rolling his eyes mentally. I can’t help but smile at Bren. He and Avery fill me with such joy, an emotion I’ve sorely missed in my life. Unfortunately, my momentary pleasure fades just as quickly as it arrived.
“I don’t know if I can. The memories…they’ve been blocked for so long.”
Bren skips around the couch and sits on the table in front of us, his knees brushing against mine. My first instinct is to pull away. I’m well aware that my legs aren’t pleasant to touch, but he stops me with a hand on my thigh. The heat of his palm seeps through the cloth barrier of my stretchy jeans. Avery waits just behind him, as silent as the moonlight. His silver hair shines, matching the glow of his eyes.
Bren opens his mouth, and I think he’s going to say something inspiring, but instead he yells loudly. “Kodi! Get your ghostly ass over here!” That ghostly ass pops into place in our little nook, a sour expression on his face. Bren nods in satisfaction. “She needs all of us, especially you.”
My eyes widen at the same time as Kodi’s, but there’s fear in his. “Why?” I ask when it’s clear that the ghost won’t or can’t.
Bren’s gaze turns serious. “Because he was there.”
Chapter Twenty
Zosia
Garrett’s fists clench as Kodi’s face falls. I don’t know whether to concentrate on the shifter’s anger or the ghost’s obvious distress.
“He was there?” Garrett growls ominously. I instinctively cover his large hand with mine, trying to quell some of the fury coursing through his powerful body. He can’t injure Kodi physically, but he can hurt him mentally. I won’t allow it.
“Brother, we don’t know the full story,” Bren begins, but even he looks taken aback at Garrett’s response.
Garrett’s eyes flash to mine. “You don’t seem surprised.”
I shrug. “We thought there might be a possibility.”
“Ghosts don’t usually haunt people unless they have a reason,” Avery adds carefully, his words measured as he monitors the tension in the room.
Garrett takes several deep breaths. “Well then, let’s get the full story. Mark my words, Ghost, if you just stood by and watched some psychopath bludgeon this girl nearly to death, I will find some way to hurt you.”
His words infuriate me. I remove my hand from the shifter’s and my cheeks heat with something other than embarrassment for once. “You don’t get to decide that, Shifter. They are my memories, and it’s my past. What’s been done is done. More violence only accomplishes whatever goals that psychopath had in the first place.” There’s a momentary silence as my words ring out with powerful command. I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life. Whatever Kodi did in his life, I’ve already forgiven him. It’s a matter of whether he can forgive himself. My greatest worry is that he’ll just let go of whatever is holding him to this plane once he learns the truth.
The ghost in question slumps noticeably, his form drifting all the way to the floor. “I had my first inkling that I might be involved in her past yesterday morning. I regained flesh for just a moment in time, but I had memories. Some involved Zosia. You can’t protect me, Princess. I’ll face whatever punishment is decided. I’ve already come to terms with that.”
“You’ve saved me countless times in your afterlife, Boo. Surely, that makes up for whatever you might have done when you were young and alive.”
Kodi shakes his head, but his eyes finally meet mine. They’re sad and desperate, but mostly resigned. It breaks my heart. “If I allowed you to be hurt or helped someone make you into the way you are, you wouldn’t have needed protection, Zo. That’s the point I’m trying to make. Nothing could ever make up for something so horrible.”
Bren is suspiciously silent, and I slant a look at him. “Do you know more than you’re letting on?”
He shakes his head, dark hair flopping in his face. His eyes are sad. “I have had visions of you for years but only after you were released from the prison that held you. I only know that you’ll see him in your memories. My skill is in divining the future, not remembering the past.”
I nod with sudden conviction. “Fine. Then, I’ll just have to access my memories to prove Kodi’s innocence. Avery, would you like to sit down?” I feel bad that he’s still standing, but he only shrugs one slim shoulder. He can tell there aren’t more chairs. I blink. Weren’t any other chairs. Two have appeared across from us, accompanying the refreshments suddenly laid out on the table beside Bren. I reach for a glass of water, gulping it down in one long drink. My hands shake.
I want to do this for Kodi now, not just to bring out my shift, although Sage probably knew what she was doing when she appeared to me in beast form. If I can look that regal, that beautiful, and that supernatural, then I want to. But Kodi has been my dearest friend for years. I refuse to let the past dictate the future, not when the past was so horrific. He’s suffered enough. She asked for trust and faith. I will give it to him.
Garrett takes deep breaths, his skin rippling as if he’s holding off his shift. I turn halfway toward him, struggling on the deeply-cushioned couch. “Kodi is one of us, regardless of what my memories show me. He’s already suffered enough while thinking he might have had a part in whatever happened to me. He’s paid his penance. You’re not to deliver justice.”
I don’t really know this man. I’m nothing to him to demand his cooperation, and he doesn’t have to listen to me. I’m not sure he will. He looks between the ghost and me, his dark eyes squinting with uncertainty.
“I don’t know if I can promise that, Zosia. I have bad memories, and so does Bren. Our father was not the nicest man,” he says on a sigh. I recognize it for the understatement it is. “Our memories still haunt us. Once the memories you have hidden inside you rise to the surface, you may see Kodi in a different light. Your shared past might haunt you differently. If he causes you distress, I don’t know if I can stand by and watch. I have given my life to protect you, and that includes protection from your friends.”
While his words are sweet, they piss me off. “You are a stubborn, infuriating man,” I growl at him.
Bren nods sagely. “You don’t know the half of it, little lioness.”
“You may not know my memories, but do you know what will happen after I regain them?” What good is a prophet or visionary if I can’t use him to prepare us?
Bren’s eyes are sad as he studies me. Although Avery has taken a chair, the seer still sits on the table in front of me. His hand still rests on my thigh. Not many people touch my legs. I become self-conscious every time one of these men does so; anxiety shivers through me. What do they think of the mangled mess of my limbs?
“There are many paths in the future. The possibilities keep us from feeling like we’re trapped, predestined, fated, or whatever word applies. In my mind, there are two major crossroads. The first happened yesterday. If my brother had chosen not to stay here as your guardian, the future would have been entirely different.” He glances at Garrett for just a second. “Not a good one. Today is another crossroads. How you and Kodi choose to react to your memories is up to both of you.”
My brows crinkle. “But I’ve already chosen how to react, no matter what I see.”
Bren shakes his head. “You may have decided, but it doesn’t guarantee an outcome.”
“That doesn’t make any sense,” I grumble, shaking my head. My braid flops around on my back. “Kodi, come here.”
The ghost crosses his arms in front of his chest and thrusts his chin into the air. “I’m not a dog,” he says defiantly, but it’s just anxiety that’s provoking him and making him surly.
“Of course, you’re not. Please, let me talk to you for just a minute.”
Bren moves to the other chair. Kodi mutters under his breath before taking the seer’s place, gingerly pretending to sit on the table, although I’m not sure whether he actually is or if he’s floating above it. I meet his
gray eyes and remember the blue-green of the sea, a color I’ve only seen in books.
“Do we have to do this with everyone here?” he whines, distracting me from the monologue I was creating in my head. He has a point. It isn’t entirely fair that we have an audience, but we’re also a group now, a family for lack of a better word. I weigh the options in my mind.
“Yes, because I want everyone to know what I say. I love you, Kodi, as my friend, as my protector, as my family, and as the only one who’s been there for me. I love you. The memories I’ll dredge up… We know they won’t be good. We’ve always known, but nothing can change my feelings for you. It may be hard for me to deal with for a time. It may take me some time to come to terms with everything that I learn, but it won’t change how I feel.”
“So, you’ve friend-zoned me?”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” I roll my eyes to the dome above. The ghost always resorts to sarcasm when things get heavy. “I would kiss you if I could, but I can’t.”
His face suddenly grows serious. “And you never will, Zo. Better to just let me go now. You can pick someone worthier than me.”
“Stop being a pansy,” I snap. “If I have to deal with the memories and the backlash they bring, so do you. There is no one else.” I emphasize each word carefully. “If we’re all required to come to terms with our perceived shortcomings, then so are you. It’s not the fact that you’re not solid, Kodi. You’re lost, just like me. You’re lost in what you believe to be the truth about yourself. I won’t let you write that narrative without some objective input. We’re always our harshest critics.”
Despite my passionate speech, Kodi pouts. “Let’s just get this over with,” he mutters.
I huff out an impatient growl, feeling my spine twitch again. “Save me from stubborn, infuriating men,” I grumble under my breath. They will all be the death of me; I’m certain of it.
“Fine.” My eyes flash to Bren because I don’t see any of the goblins nearby. The ghost slinks away as if he’s hiding his movements from me. I reach out to grab him, but of course, my hand only stings with static as it brushes against his nonexistent form. “How do I do this?”
“You know how,” Bren replies with a sorrowful smile. “You’ve been using a lot of effort to repress your memories since you woke in the hospital. All you need to do is release that effort; reverse the process.”
He makes it sound so much easier than it will be. I bite my lip, frustrated and wound up. I realize the battle in the supernatural world will suffer if I don’t shift, but I’m hung up on something more personal. I may lose the only person who’s ever cared for me.
I don’t want to do this, but I don’t have a choice. I sit back on the couch, comforting myself in its warm, cushiony embrace. Garrett’s nearness stabilizes me. I can feel him breathing, hear it. The others are bright to my senses, even with my eyes closed. They’re with me, even Kodi, for now.
I’m surrounded by people that care for me, and I’ve come to care for them in the short time I’ve known them. I’m engulfed in the embrace of a higher being; the library has accepted me for who I am, flaws and all. My ancestors’ spirits, the family I never knew, are stitched into the wooden beams of the omnipotent building that’s now my home. I’m not alone anymore, no matter what I find. The singular thought gives me strength.
I take a deep breath and dive into myself, hoping I won’t drown.
Chapter Twenty-One
Garrett
I’ve always been a protector. Ever since my stepmother showed me the tiniest, most beautiful baby boy swaddled in a blanket, I’ve had a job. It didn’t matter that I was only four-years-old. Bren became my sole focus, especially since I already knew that our father could be incredibly cruel. When Bren’s behavior started showing signs of peculiarity - not wanting to talk, not as responsive or emotional as other babies his age, and further worries - my drive to protect him just increased. Even as his mother pulled away in shame, I stayed with him.
My protective drive is part of what drew me so quickly to Zosia. She needs me, and it has nothing to do with her legs. She needs someone to believe in her and to be her champion. I’ll protect her from whatever I can, but that also includes the ghost she loves. Even if it’s only memories of him that plague her, I’ll protect her.
When Zosia settles back into the couch, her hands clasped over her stomach and her eyelashes fluttering across her cheeks, I’m immediately on guard. I wish she didn’t have to do this alone. I want to slip into her memories, shift, and rend everyone who ever hurt her limb from limb.
Bren hops up from his chair and perches on the arm of the couch next to me. “She needs to do this for herself,” he says calmly, but he’s anxious as well. I’ve never seen my brother relate to someone as completely as he does Zosia. So far, I’ve been the only one in his life that he’s shown all of himself to, the quirky and serious sides. My gaze shifts to the ghost. He’s hovering nervously in the corner like he’s so apt to do. The vamp is as motionless as a statue, except for his breathing, which still freaks me out. I’ve never seen a vamp breathe before. I’ve heard of born vampires but never met one; they’re very rare. I don’t trust either of them yet, regardless of their signatures alongside mine in the same. They haven’t proven anything to me.
I swipe a hand across the short hair on top of my head with a heavy sigh. I know she has to do this alone, but I don’t have to like it.
Zosia doesn’t stir. It’s as if she closed her eyes and disappeared straight into her past. Her body twitches, and I want to reach out and hold her. She’s everything the women I’ve met are not: vibrantly alive, authentic, and perfectly imperfect. Bren was right. In just a day, I’ve seen how magnificent she is. She’s taken on this important role within a few days and is acclimating like she was born for it. She was, but her childhood should have made it more difficult for her to assimilate. Not Zosia. She’s already queen of the library, and it appears that she already has the four of us wrapped around her finger, regardless of how long we’ve known her. That might usually make me wary, but she doesn’t have any ulterior motives. She didn’t use artifice or manipulate us into liking her. It’s one thing I’ve become so good at detecting, I consider it an extra sense. She doesn’t need to manipulate us. She’s just herself: strong, brave, fiercely determined. She’s a force of nature, and we’re being dragged along for the ride.
“I’m glad that you’ve accepted your fate here,” Bren continues; he knows I need to be distracted.
I shrug. “Better than sitting in on some stupid lectures.” I hadn’t really been looking forward to school, especially not when every tutor repeatedly called me dumb and stupid. But I’d figured it was the only way to become as powerful as my father. A man capable of his level of cruelty shouldn’t be in charge. It doesn’t matter that he’s in charge of a primal faction ruled by their instincts. His position requires a steady and caring hand, not a man who does regrettable, impulsive acts in a temper, things that could change worlds or start wars. I considered it my duty to overthrow him since the moment I realized I could. If I have to take a backseat to do so, I will, but I’ll ensure someone worthy takes his place. He will fall.
The library is silent, but it always feels alive. The building breathes, something I hadn’t noticed until I’d signed the book. There’s magic here, different magic than the enchantments that transform me from human to beast. It’s ancient, powerful magic, far superior to any I’ve encountered before.
Zosia whimpers, drawing our attention, and we all turn to her as one. I reach out, wanting to touch her, but I’m worried she’ll react the wrong way if she’s entrenched in her memories. Her eyelids flutter as her eyes move, and a worried frown lines her beautiful face. Frustrated growls rumble deep within my chest. I hate feeling so powerless.
There’s one other matter that keeps me here and urged me to sign the book. From the moment I scented the shifter, I knew her significance. It’s another primal instinct of our race. She’s my beast’s mate, a
nd he yearns for her. But her sphinx doesn’t have the same unavoidable fate. She’s a hybrid. She can choose to listen to her human heart over the primitive yearnings of her beast. I’m uncertain whether my brother knew she was my mate when he led me here, but he must have suspected. I don’t blame him for not telling me. I would have denied it more if he’d told me than if I’d realized it myself. Grim determination settles within me as I look around the room. My beast doesn’t want to share, but that’s a fight for another time.
Bren stands and paces behind the couch, betraying his anxiety; he doesn’t usually display such human tics. Nothing ever appeared to faze him…until we met this woman. Avery sits with his chin perched on his hands and his elbows on his knees. I don’t doubt that he has Zosia’s best interests in mind, but I question his motives. I’ve never trusted anyone but my brother. He may worship her because she saved him from a life of slavery, but gratefulness fades. He can decide this isn’t how he wants to spend his life, although the contract made the repercussions of betrayal appropriately vivid and threatening. My beast still doesn’t trust him.
My phone buzzes in my pocket again. I know who it is. My father has been calling repeatedly since his crony reported back to him. He wants to yell at me, and he wants me to bring Bren back. I know everything he’ll say without needing to answer the call. I’m tempted to break the damn electronic device; it feels useless at this point. Everything I want or need is right here, but Zosia admitted her ignorance of the outside world and diplomatic issues. The phone will be a way to get information without leaving the safe walls of the library, and I haven’t seen any method of external communication in the building except for the magical, interacademy message system.
When the little goblin pops into the air across from us, I’m not surprised. At first, it unnerved me, but I’m starting to recognize the shift in the atmosphere right before they appear. It’s the male that gave me the book - Duggar. His face is drawn into harsh lines.
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