I’ll take anything at the moment, but the realisation that it’s all my fault, and how different life could be if it hadn’t been for my shit isn’t lost on me. She’s distant because I hurt her so bad. She’s afraid now. It kills me how stupid I’ve been. And while she isn’t making me feel bad to make herself feel better, a part of me wishes she would, just to get a spark from her. The only time I see life in her eyes is when she’s holding our son or she’s yelling at me.
My phone vibrates, buzzing around the table. Scooping it up, I see it’s JJ.
“What’s up, brother?”
“The Lost Souls’ headstones were smashed, including your sister’s. Cas wants everyone in the back room at eight.”
“Say that again?”
My sister’s fucking grave?
“You heard me. Your dad’s back and at the club. He isn’t talking to anyone, but it’d help if you were here.”
He hangs up, and I jump to my feet. Who the fuck would trash the graves? Halfway up the stairs, Sebastian starts to cry, and I try to get to him before he wakes Nina. But when I step into the room, she’s already got him in her arms, lifting her top to feed him.
He settles quickly, like he usually does when he gets his milk, and I sit on the edge of the bed.
“Did you manage to get any sleep?”
“Yeah.”
She stares down at the baby, not looking my way once. “JJ called. I have to go to the club,” I tell her.
“Okay.”
I grit my teeth, hating her short, snippy replies. We talked on and off for hours the other night, but ever since, this is all I get.
“Are you going to be okay, or do you want me to call my mom and get her over here?”
“I’ll be fine.”
Frustration builds, but I keep my mouth shut. Sebastian unlatches from her nipple and starts to whimper. Once he’s been burped, she settles him against her chest and begins shuffling off the edge of the bed.
She takes him through to his nursery and lays him on the changing unit. I go to grab her a diaper and the wipes, but she swats my hand away and grabs them herself.
“It’s okay, I’ve got it.”
“Let me help you, dammit,” I curse.
This is exactly the kind of shit she’s been doing since we got home from the hospital.
“Why won’t you let me do anything for you?”
“It’s best I do it and get used to it.”
“Why?”
“If you decide to leave us again, I’ll know I can do everything on my own.”
And there it is. I fall back a couple of steps as she busies herself with changing his diaper. I’m left speechless. This is the reason she won’t let me help? I feel sick with guilt.
“Nina, I swear to God, I’m not going anywhere.”
“So you keep saying, but you’ve made me promises in the past and broken them all.”
Finishing up, she gets him into a clean sleepsuit.
I see now, so fucking clearly, that I didn’t just hurt her, but I shattered her trust in me as well. Carrying him back to our bedroom, she cuddles him on the bed, ignoring me and her admission.
I sit as close to her as I can, and place my hand around her cheek. She still doesn’t look at me, even when I stroke my thumb over her cheekbone.
“I’m home, babe, and I’m going to prove to you I’m not leaving again. But you need to give me the chance, or we’ll end up apart. I don’t want that, not at all.”
She finally graces me with a softer than usual look, and I lean in. When she doesn’t shy away, I press my lips to hers ever so gently, sweeping my tongue across her bottom lip. I keep waiting for her to push me away, but when she returns the kiss, hope blooms in my chest. Finishing the kiss with an extra peck, I break it off before she can regret it.
“Just because I kissed you back, doesn’t mean I’ve forgiven you,” she’s quick to inform me.
“It’s a start.”
Sebastian’s eyes are wide open, and I know from searching around on the internet that he can’t see very far at this age. Yet, I wonder if he can sense the shit between his mom and me?
“I hate how this is the beginning of his life,” she murmurs. “It shouldn’t be like this.”
A single tear falls from her eye, and I wipe it away before it drops onto the baby.
“I’m so sorry.”
“Yeah, you keep saying…”
“I’m trying, I really am.”
“I know, and I believe you’re sorry, but I can’t be happy just because you’re here. I had this vision of how it should be, and we’re never going to be able to change these first few days. We don’t have any happy memories of his birth between us, like how it should be. You weren’t nervously waiting for him to arrive. We don’t have any photos of the three of us in the hospital. We didn’t cry and laugh together because we finally got to meet our perfect little creation. We’ll just have memories of pain, hurt, and broken trust.”
“I know, I know, and believe me, I’ll regret this every day for the rest of my life. But I’ll also spend it making up for it. We will have happy memories in the future, and we’ll start making them now, I swear. But you have to let me in and so we can start.”
Another tear falls as she nods. “I’ll try.”
She lets me press my lips to hers once more before I stand and say, “I won’t be long. As soon as I can get away, I’ll be home.”
She smiles up at me, but there’s no joy behind the act. “We’ll be here.”
When I walk into the back room, Leo’s sitting in his chair to the side of Cas, and my dad’s back in his seat. Shit feels right again. He’s not wearing his cut, but he’s here. It’s another step in the right direction.
Ricky and Pope are the last to arrive, and Tal closes the door after them before taking his seat next to Mason. Cas bangs the gavel down with such force, I think the wood splinters.
“Before we start, is there anything anyone wants to tell us? Any trouble you’ve had outside the club?”
He looks to the brothers sitting around the table, who all look back to him, shaking their heads.
“Someone’s coming for us. First, the fight in town, and then our fallen’s graves.”
“While we take any attack seriously, this feels amateur, like someone’s pissed off. Someone who would usually be harmless to us,” Sparky adds.
“I agree. Picking fights in bars and smashing up graves is something teenagers do,” Pope huffs, with brothers murmuring their agreement.
“Think. Have any of you slept with the wrong woman and her husband found out? It’s got to be something as fucking stupid as that,” Cas fumes, getting worked up.
“I swear, if my daughter’s grave was targeted because one of you couldn’t keep your dick in your pants, tell me now,” Dad snaps.
Silence hangs in the air, and I find my dad staring at the twins. Together, they flinch, holding their hands up.
“Hey, don’t look at us. We’re all loved up and shit now. You’d know this if you didn’t leave,” Myles chides, causing Pope to give him a look to shut him up.
“What about you?” Dad asks Tal. “I don’t know shit about you, really. Is this because of you?”
“Nothing to do with me,” he mutters.
Dad’s eyes skim over the men slowly, skipping over Leo and me, his anger beginning to skyrocket. “If it was someone on our level, they wouldn’t touch a woman’s grave, they’d come for the brothers. I want to know why?” he yells, slamming his palm down on the table.
“Slade, calm down. We’ll get to the bottom of this, you hear me?” Cas says.
“Calm down?” Dad snorts.
“The club will pay the cost for the damages. I’ve already sent out prospects around town to keep a lookout. They’re under strict orders to notify me if they see someone they don’t recognise.”
This doesn’t please my dad, but he leans back in his chair, keeping quiet.
“As fucking usual, until we know what the fuck�
�s going on, leave the club in twos. I don’t want anyone riding alone, ’cause I’ll be damned if we get caught out again. Next, we have other concerns to deal with.”
What other concerns could there be?
“A fed showed up at Slade’s last week and again this morning.”
Hearing this, brothers all try to talk over each other, while Dad remains silent. Once Cas bangs the gavel hard on the tabletop, silence falls immediately.
“What did they want?” Pope asks, staring straight at Dad.
“He wanted to ask questions about India. I cut him off the first time, and shut the door in his face the second time,” he finally explains, leaving me to wonder why I hadn’t heard about the second visit.
I’ve been distracted with Nina and the baby, but I figured Cas would’ve let the brothers know after the first visit that a fed was sniffing around again.
“Do you think he’ll be back a third time?” Ricky asks stupidly.
“Sure as shit,” Dad grunts.
“Then see what he has to say. At least we’d know what we’re dealing with,” Leo observes, speaking up for the first time.
“It can’t be anything good, though,” Ricky says quietly.
“Obviously fucking not, brother, but it’s best if we hear what he has, and what he thinks he already knows,” Leo offers calmly. “Our question is, though, why is a fucking FBI agent showing up in town now? And why do they have India’s name in their mouths?”
That’s a better question, and one I’d like to hear the answer to myself.
“Leo has a valid point,” Cas notes, leaning back in his chair, twiddling an unlit cigarette between his fingers. “Slade, the next time he shows up, see how far you can push him for answers without giving anything away. Not that you would, of course.”
Dad tips his head, agreeing, and Cas sits forward. “Keep your eyes open. Anyone catches anything or anyone, be ready to end this before shit can get out of control. Got it?”
Murmurs fly around the table, and Cas ends the meeting by slamming the gavel down. Dad’s first out of his seat and storms into the bar. I expect him to leave, but he slides onto a stool, next to the one nobody ever sits on, and bangs his fist on the bar for a drink. Moving beside him, I decline a bottle of beer from the prospect once Dad has his and lower my voice.
“Is this you staying?”
Side-eyeing me, he downs his beer and slams the bottle down, signalling for another.
“This is me staying for vengeance, as it’s the one thing I do know how to get right. Find someone to ride with you and go home to your baby and Nina. There’s nothing more you can do tonight.”
“Are you going to be okay?” I ask as another beer is put in front of him.
His hand pauses as he goes to scoop it up. “Not tonight. Not ever again.”
Sighing, I stand to leave when he sits back and grabs my arm.
“Your mom and I haven’t been ourselves, but I want you to know how much I love you. You’re my son, and I wouldn’t survive losing you too.”
I wasn’t expecting to hear this tonight, nor was I prepared for how much I needed to hear it from him.
“I love you too, Dad.”
We both kind of nod before he releases me. I walk away, having heard the words I’ve craved without knowing it, and head for my bike. A prospect jogging up beside me jumps in a van and follows me home, then fucks off once I’m inside. It’s time I get my family back on track, starting with my old lady and my son.
I took so much away from her, but I intend on repaying her with so much more in return. I won’t let her or Sebastian down again.
Walking inside, I find them both on the couch. I sit on the arm of the chair, wondering how I ever thought them leaving town would be better for me. Whoever’s fucking with us has no chance of getting near my family. Mistakes made with my sister won’t ever be repeated, and heaven help anyone who tries.
It’s never bothered me before when people have been killed by the club. If you’re not one of us and become a threat, you die—it’s that simple. But after India, and now having Sebastian, the need to keep threats as far from them as possible is even stronger than before.
“You weren’t long,” she murmurs.
“I said I wouldn’t be.”
“Why were you called in?”
Sliding down onto the cushion from the arm of the chair, I slip out of my boots. Feeling the fatigue settling in, I rest my head against the back of the chair.
“Someone vandalised our graves at the cemetery, including India’s.”
She clicks the television off and arranges Sebastian in her arms as she sits forward.
“Who would do such a thing?”
I shrug my shoulders. “Has anyone told your parents?”
“Dad was at the club. And yeah, Mom knows.”
“He was there? Your mom said she’d throw him out if he ever went back.”
“Well, he’s there, and I don’t think he cares anymore.”
Besides, he’s there for India. He knows the only way he’ll get his revenge on whoever trashed her grave is if he works with the brothers. Even I can see he’s no help to Mom, who wants nothing to do with him. His time is better spent at the club. Him being there could at least bring one parent back to me.
Kristen
With Slade out of the house, there’s no need for me to hide upstairs. I don’t have to worry about bumping into him in the hall, and I don’t have to hear clinking beer bottles as he discards of them. But at the same time, I can’t let go of the rage I feel over him going back to the club. He knows I can’t stand that place, and he swore to me he wouldn’t set foot back inside, ever. Filling the bucket with hot water and a capful of bleach, I dunk the mop into the steaming water, squeeze the excess off, and begin mopping the kitchen floor. I don’t really care if the house is clean and tidy, but it’s giving me something to do rather than lie about, drowning in memories of my daughter.
I put more weight on the mop and scrub the floor like it’s not been cleaned in years, while trying not to think about what was done.
Leo fucking Jackson. He had the nerve to fall to his knees and cry over her grave. Why can’t anyone else see he’s to blame for all of this? The stupid fucking patch. They’re all blinded by pieces of fabric that mean nothing to anyone who doesn’t wear it.
If this had happened to anyone else in the club, things would be different.
Dumping the mop back into the bleachy water, I repeat the motions and continue to mop the rest of the kitchen, backing up to the hall as I go.
If Ellis had killed Leo that night, the club would’ve burned to the ground before Cas and Alannah had finished with their need for vengeance. Ellis had problems with so many people in the club, he could’ve gone after any one of them, but he went for my daughter. Someone he wouldn’t have known about if it weren’t for Leo.
She had so much to live for, and now, with Slade back at the club, her death was for nothing. He’s making a mockery of her memory, proving what I always knew deep down: the club always comes first.
Oh, he made a good attempt at showing me our family came first over the years. He was always there for mealtimes when he wasn’t out of town, spending more time with the kids than most fathers. And he was always in my bed, every single night. All the years I’ve given him, and for what? To end up at a point I always knew we’d reach?
Clutching the mop handle tighter, I struggle to breathe. Why didn’t I just stay at my aunts all those years ago? Zachery and I could’ve built a life for ourselves there. And while I would never have given birth to India, it wouldn’t have hurt this much because I wouldn’t have known her to miss her.
Letting go of the mop, it falls to the floor with a thud, and I walk into the living room. Family portraits assault me from every corner I look in, and I can’t bear it any longer. Making my way around the room, I collect all the photos and shove them under the couch.
Sitting down, I take a good look around. This house isn’t my home
anymore. Zach has his own home now, and India will never walk through the door again. As for Slade, he has no business coming back here, not after going back to the club. Everything this house stood for no longer applies.
Leaning back, I lift my legs and curl up, pulling the comforter down from the top of the couch. I close my eyes, but I don’t expect sleep to find me. I sink into memories, because they’re all I have left now.
“Slade, what are we doing wrong?”
India’s eight weeks old, and she won’t stop crying whenever we put her down. She doesn’t want feeding, she has a clean diaper, and she hasn’t got a temperature.
“She wants to cuddle,” he murmurs, stroking the top of her head as she’s cradled in my arms.
“It’s three in the morning. I’m so tired, my eyes are burning.”
“Give her to me, and you go get some sleep.”
That sounds like a perfect plan, but I remind him, “You have to leave in a couple of hours to go on the club run. I don’t want you worn out on the road.”
“I’ll be fine. Besides, I’ll get to spend some time with her before I go. It’s going to kill me not seeing her every day, and I don’t want you burnt out looking after her and Zach while I’m gone.
I’m too tired to argue, so I pass her over to him. He leans in and presses his lips to mine before shooing me out of the nursery. Slade has been the perfect father to Zachery, and watching him with India melts my heart.
Plodding into our bedroom, I sink into the mattress and curl up under the sheets. Heaven knows I love my daughter, but she needs to learn to sleep for more than two hours, and she certainly needs to do better at picking her cuddle times.
His Last Chance : Sons of Lost Souls MC Book Seven Page 11