“Cody-”
“Don’t worry about expense or anything. I got this. And don’t argue! What’s all this stupid money for if I can’t help out with something like this?”
“Cody!”
He snapped his mouth shut. He sometimes got carried away and this was one such time, he supposed. “Yeah?”
“Thank you.” She squeezed his hand back and went back to scarfing up her dinner.
He sighed in relief. That was one problem solved. At least she was willing to accept his help. Though he wasn’t sure how she would respond when he brought up tougher subjects.
Now was the time to find out, he supposed.
“Look, maybe I’m overstepping here,” Cody said slowly. He sat back in his chair. He had only eaten about a quarter of his dinner. But clearing the air about this seemed too important to ignore. “Do you have any idea of maybe... Well, I don’t know, like how long you plan to keep the kids sort of isolated like they are? I mean you can’t keep it that way forever. And they need an education.”
Jessie tensed up, her shoulders hunched up around her ears. She stared down at her plate, her cheeks bright red. He wondered if he’d sounded too accusatory.
He cleared his throat. He had never been very good at being diplomatic. “It’s not as if I think you’re doing anything wrong,” he said quickly. “You rescued those kids and I know you’re doing the best you can. But they need, you know... more. More than you can provide-”
“Don’t take them away!” Jessie whispered it, her eyes big and shiny with tears. Cody’s heart thumped in his chest. He hadn’t intended to imply anything like that.
He waved a hand and said, “No no! Nothing like that. I just mean they can’t stay in that little cabin forever. It’s not good for them-”
“They go on runs!” Jessie said. She clasped her hands in her lap, her voice pitching up. “I take them out and they shift and play and catch fish. I would never keep them locked up forever. Cody, please don’t... Someone will take them away or their sleuth will find them if they go to school or if... I wouldn’t know what to do if they had to go back there, I couldn’t live with myself... ” She got to her feet and started pacing.
Good job, Cody, he thought. This was not how this was supposed to go.
“Jessie.” He tried to sound firm. He stood slowly, not wanting to startle her. This was not his strong suit. He wished he’d asked one of his brothers for advice. Except how could he, without telling them about the cubs? He had promised not to. Judging by how upset she was now, that had been a good call. “Jessie, I don’t want to take the cubs away, I promise. I’m just trying to do what’s best for them and for you-”
“I know what’s best for them!” Jessie said fiercely. “I’ve been doing this all on my own, Cody! When I found them, they were practically starving! They were dirty and hurt and they’d never even known affection or what it was like for somebody to care for them and I know you want to help but you’re not just going to come in and take over and take them away-”
“No no no! Jessie, wait!”
She was panicking. He couldn’t blame her. He imagined that she must have been sitting on this stress and fear for all this time while working herself to the bone to care for the kids. She must have been exhausted and totally overworked. Cody had lost it on his staff for a lot less than that himself. Because Jessie wasn’t just a babysitter. She was a mama bear and there was nobody fiercer and protective than that. She was protecting her cubs and he’d upset her, even if it hadn’t been intentional.
“I have to go,” she said. Her voice shook and she wrung her hand, jogging over to her bag and her purse and grabbing them as she made her way to the door. “I have to figure out what to do. I’m sorry. I just have to go. I have to get home anyway. The cubs need me.”
“Jessie, please don’t leave like this,” he said. He ran a hand through his hair, feeling helpless. “Let’s just talk-”
“Please just don’t tell anyone,” she said tearfully. “Don’t take them away.”
He started to run after her but at the door, as he watched her run down the hall, he considered that she just needed some time on her own to calm down.
He’d find her later and hopefully, if he was lucky, they could work this out.
But watching her walk out the door, he felt a little bit like his own heart was leaving him.
11
Jessie
Jessie didn’t even make it out of the lodge before she broke down.
She found her favorite deserted spot for being alone. It was a big comfy chair next to a corner window in a wing of the lodge that looked out over the town of Black Bear Lake below. Most people preferred to sit somewhere with a view of the lake or the mountains on the other side of the building, and the suites in this wing were the less luxurious accommodations, although still much nicer than anywhere Jessie had ever stayed on vacation.
The corner was dimly lit. It wasn’t anywhere near the parking lot or the employee areas downstairs. Jessie hadn’t really been thinking when she’d taken off from Cody’s room. She’d just started running, feeling claustrophobic. She hadn’t even been thinking straight enough to go outside and shift, which often made her feel better when she was upset. Instead, she found her dark corner and sat down.
Jessie could hardly breathe and tears were streaming down her face. It was a ridiculous overreaction and that alone was a little scary. It wasn’t like her to get hysterical out of nowhere.
Her heart was beating too fast and hard. She clutched her chest, hunching over in her seat.
Panic attack, she thought.
She’d experienced such episodes before, but not for years. She’d been prone to anxiety sometimes as a kid and ended up catching her breath in the bathroom at school, sure that the world was ending just because she wasn’t doing well on a test. Her parents had been concerned. There had been some therapy and also sessions with a witch who dealt with such problems among shifters. But she’d seemed to grow out of it and her parents had just sighed in relief, considering it resolved. She’d had panic attacks just once or twice after that.
But this hadn’t happened in a few years now. Jessie got stressed out like anyone else but she had learned to manage anxiety and it had never raged out of control like this before. It made her feel helpless and crazy as she took deep breaths and inwardly waited it out, attempting to calm herself down.
She was shaking. She sat back in the big comfy chair and stared out the window, waiting until it stopped.
Everything is okay, she told herself. Nobody is coming to take the cubs away. Cody just wants to help.
The very thought of anyone taking the cubs away, much less the sleuth finding them was the worst thing she could think of. It made her want to shift and rip somebody’s throat.
It took her several minutes, but Jessie breathed through the worst of it and finally got to her feet and made her way out to her car. She stopped at an ice machine and gave herself a few minutes to hold a paper cup of crushed ice in her hand and let the little chips melt on her tongue because it was calming.
Only then did humiliation hit Jessie like a freight train.
Cody had been trying his damndest to help and she had completely flipped out on him. He must think she was a total basket case. Shame overwhelmed her. Her parents had told her time and time again that it wasn’t her fault when she got so upset. But it was hard to remember that now.
And to have flipped out like that right after they’d had sex...
“Ugh.”
Jessie made sure she didn’t get behind the wheel of her car until she was completely okay again, at least physically. Inwardly, she felt like she’d never get over her mortification. It seemed like at every turn, Cody was trying to be sweet and she was either turning it down or flipping out.
She couldn’t blame him if he kept his distance after this.
By the time she got back to the cabin up on the mountain, she was all cried out. She kept thinking of Cody inside her, the way he
’d looked at her like she was the most precious thing in the world.
She had likely just thrown all that away because of stupid brain chemistry.
“Oh well,” she muttered, under her breath. But inside, she was devastated.
She sniffed and climbed out of the car, grabbing her purse and her duffle bag. She took a deep breath and leaned down to catch her reflection in the side mirror. Her eyes were red and swollen. There was no way the cubs wouldn’t be able to tell she’d been crying, and she hated to worry them.
It was Jason who noticed first, even before Molly.
“Jessie, are you crying?” He looked like a sad little puppy gazing up at her. He’d run up to hug her as soon as she walked in and she tousled his hair, and swallowed her emotion. But she hugged him back, comforted. “What’s the matter?”
The other kids were all in the living room and the toddlers were crowded in their playpen. Jessie saw the evidence that Sophie and the twins had eaten already, empty Spaghetti-o’s cans littering the counter. The dishes were stacked up and the area rugs needed vacuuming. But Molly already looked like she was about to fall asleep into her tuna fish sandwich as she sat next to Chris who was stuffing chips into his mouth.
They need to fish more often, Jessie thought, already feeling tired. They needed to learn to find edible berries and other things bears liked to eat and they needed to learn to track. And that was just on the bear end of things.
Education, Cody had said. He wasn’t wrong and she should have listened instead of freaking out.
“I’m okay, sweetheart,” Jessie said, hugging Jason tight. “I was just... listening to a sad story on my phone. A podcast. It made me sad, that’s all. But it was only a story.”
Jason pulled away and looked slightly disbelieving. It was difficult to pull anything over the cubs' heads. Growing up in squalor and having to be aware of their so-called parents’ movements and moods all the time had made them hyper-aware of everything, it seemed.
“I promise,” Jessie said, smoothing down his hair. “We’re okay. I just went to visit my friend, Cody.”
“The big bear?” Jason looked vaguely excited by that and it was new. The kids had all seemed pretty nervous when she’d let Cody in. But once he’d left, she’d told them he was a good friend and a strong bear who just wanted to help.
She wondered if the boys like Jason and Chris were fascinated by the possibility of an adult male bear shifter around who was good and not an asshole. Another reason to try to hang onto Cody, she supposed. It made her heart crack a little in her chest.
“Yeah,” she said softly. “The big bear.”
Even as absolutely exhausted as she was, Jessie felt much better after some time in the cabin with the cubs. She played music from her phone and Jason helped dry dishes as she washed them and it wasn’t so bad, cleaning up and bathing the toddlers and putting away the clothes in the duffle bag she’d watched back at the lodge.
She kept herself busy enough, she was almost able to forget the sensation of Cody’s lips on her skin... almost. But then suddenly she’d wonder if she’d ever feel it again.
It was eight o’clock when there was a knock on the door and she caught Cody’s scent.
All the cubs jumped a little, alarmed. No one had ever knocked on the door before and they weren’t yet adept and singling out new shifters’ scents after only meeting them once.
Jessie had been wiping down the kitchen counters and she rinsed her hands and dried them on a dishtowel. “It’s okay, everyone. It’s Cody, my friend.”
That seemed to calm them. Molly was on the area rug playing blocks with the toddler and Jason and Chris were playing Sorry. Jessie smoothed her hair back and wished she had time to fix herself up just a little. She’d been doing housework since she’d come home and she probably looked a mess. But at the soft second knock at the door, she jogged over to answer.
Jessie threw open the door and there stood Cody... holding several shopping bags and looking bashful. “I may have gone overboard,” he said, shrugging. “There’s more in the car.”
12
Cody
Cody had let Jessie leave and then paced around, feeling like he was about to go out of his mind.
If there was the slightest chance Jessie was his mate, maybe this proved it. Because the thought that she was upset somewhere was driving him crazy. But she had clearly not wanted to talk to him. He pictured a little cloud of smoke following her when she’d run off, as if she were a cartoon.
Cody didn’t do well when he felt helpless about something. He tended to project it onto others, usually the kitchen staff. But he resisted the urge to head down to the kitchen and yell at the skeleton crew left at night for late dinners and desserts in the dining hall. Nothing was their fault and even if they knew his moods better than he knew his own and took it all in stride, he knew it wasn’t fair to them.
Instead, he went on a run in the woods. It wasn’t quite as joyful as his last. But he stretched his legs and stomped around in the creek and clawed at a tree. But after a half-hour of that, he felt no better. He returned to his suite and grabbed his keys, intending to go on a drive and distracted himself.
Somehow, he ended up at the Max Mart, an all purpose department store at the edge of town. It was an impulsive decision. He was driving and listening to music and thinking about how he might help Jessie once she was feeling better, he’d resisted the urge to text, when he saw the big yellow letters that spelled MAX from the road and impulsively decided to go shopping for the cubs.
An hour later, he was at her front door, hoping against hope that she actually felt like speaking to him.
“What did you do?” Jessie said. She was half-laughing and Cody grinned. That was a good sign anyway. At least she wasn’t upset anymore.
“I was just out driving,” Cody said with a shrug. She let him in and the kids all crowded around, stopping short at the edge of the area rug in the living room as they stared at Cody, as if it was some kind of barrier they would never dare to cross. “I was thinking, ya know. About... our conversation.” He set the bags down on the floor and the children didn’t wait for permission before they attacked the bags to poke around inside. “And I sort of impulsively went shopping. I was worried there might be things you need and I want to help, like I said.”
Jessie shut the door and stood facing him and he stepped closer. His instinct was to kiss her. It felt natural. He almost felt like he was coming home after work... Coming home to his family. There were worse things.
“I didn’t know if you still wanted to... ” Jessie’s mouth twisted and she played with her fingers. She was obviously full of nerves. He wanted to put all that worry to rest and he took his hands in hers. “After I flipped out the way I did. It wasn’t your fault, Cody. I want you to know that. I was just... I’ve been under a lot of stress, I guess. You didn’t do anything wrong.” She let him take her hands and squeezed his fingers. He bit his lip, his heart swelling. “I’m sorry.”
“You got nothing to apologize for,” he said easily. He leaned forward and kissed her cheek. “I figured you were just having a shitty day. Happens to the best of us. I once screamed at my pastry chef for ten minutes over absolutely nothing. Turned out I was just hungry.”
“I know I need to face up to some stuff,” she said softly. “About the kids and their schooling and the future... “
“One day at a time.” He nodded and the both of them took a deep breath as if in sync. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Wow!” Chris was kneeling on the floor, taking books out of a bag. “These look good.”
Cody had gone on a bit of a shopping spree. He’d bought supplies for the toddlers like pull-ups and wipes. He bought vitamins, over-the-counter medicines in case somebody got sick, a whole lot of food, healthy snacks, juice, and paper items. Then he’d grabbed a whole bunch of toys and books from the kid’s section of the store, hoping he was taking things the kids might like. He’d bought new blankets, sheets, pillows, and e
ven some decorative items for the cabin.
He’d probably gone overboard but then the Strauss brothers had always been good at that.
The annoying part was that he figured what the children needed most was new clothes and things like shoes. But he didn’t know any of their sizes.
“Cody,” Jessie whispered. She stepped forward and he enfolded her in his arms. She melted against him and he could practically feel her relief. He held her, the kids ignoring them in favor of the grocery bags and Cody smiled into her shoulder.
She felt so right in his arms.
Now, this is coming home, he thought.
He would have to be careful not to use the word “mate” too soon though. She had enough on her plate without worrying that the hot-blooded chef with a crush on her wanted to fall to his knees and propose already, six cubs or no.
Jessie smiled shyly when she finally pulled away and said, “Okay fine. Let me help you with the other bags then.”
It took a long time to bring everything in and pour over all the goodies that Cody had brought them. Some things made Jessie raise an amused eyebrow or tease him. He’d picked up a giant stuffed alligator that he thought the kids might like and some random pictures to hang on the grimly brown walls of the cabin next to the crayon drawings already taped up here and there haphazardly.
He had been a little nervous about getting to know the cubs. It was an unfamiliar feeling. He was never usually nervous. But he didn’t have much experience with kids outside of recently hanging out with his new niece, Emily. But she was an infant. They didn’t really require much of you socially.
Apparently, buying kids a bunch of toys, books, and snacks greased the wheels. Jason and Chris tugged on his hand and made him sit on the couch while they showed him exactly how a toy robot he’d bought for them worked and then all the kids seemed to be everywhere and Sophie was in his lap, Molly having handed her to him.
Cody (Strauss Bear Shifter Brothers 0f Colorado Book 3) Page 7