Shift

by Em Bailey

  When the song finished he took hold of my hand and held it like it was something very precious. His eyes were soft. ‘Stay for another song?’ he said.

  That’s when I heard it. People nearby, snickering. I knew what it meant. I wrenched my hand away, angry with myself for being so stupid.

  ‘Hey,’ said Lachlan. ‘What’s wrong?’

  I glared at him, my throat aching. ‘Have you won your bet yet?’ I said, my voice hard and fierce. ‘The one you made about dancing with the ugliest girl at the formal?’

  ‘What are you talking about?’ he said, looking horrified. ‘I –’

  I cut him off. ‘Isn’t it embarrassing, being seen with me? Even as a joke.’

  ‘Olive. Stop.’ There was something in Lachlan’s voice that made me pause, just for a moment. He looked so serious. ‘Why would I be embarrassed about dancing with you? You’re the most amazing, most beautiful, most … real person in this whole school.’

  I had to look away then. The ground was covered in gold glitter. I guess it was meant to look like sand. ‘Sometimes I don’t feel real,’ I said, hating how pathetic it sounded.

  ‘Well maybe you’re unreal then,’ said Lachlan softly. ‘Which is probably why I want to kiss you.’

  Usually you can rely on your body to do the basic things on its own. But right then my body totally forgot about respiration. I had to gulp at the air, trying to get the process started again. I don’t know if someone was messing around with the heating, but suddenly it was even hotter than before in that hall. Hot, bright and way too full.

  ‘I need to go outside,’ I wheezed. Thank god my legs remembered what they were for. I ran.

  It was the darkness as much as the cool breeze that helped me control the swirling, tumbling feeling in my chest. I slowed to a walk and a moment later I heard Lachlan running to catch up. He didn’t speak, just fell into step beside me. Silently we moved away from the crowd out the front who were laughing and smoking furtively in the shadows.

  I turned down the path that ran along the side of the town hall. The unpainted bricks were exposed and rough along here and I stopped, leaning my face against them, cold and solid on my cheek. Lachlan stopped too, just behind me. I watched a tiny spider – smaller than a raindrop – making a web in the gap between two bricks. It had probably taken it all night to create that web and I could’ve destroyed it with the tiniest movement of my finger. The spider too.

  ‘I freaked you out, didn’t I?’ said Lachlan. ‘With that kissing thing.’

  ‘No,’ I lied. ‘I just wasn’t expecting it. I don’t really know you. I mean, I’ve had maybe three conversations with you in my life.’

  ‘Well yeah.’ Lachlan’s smile was small, but so sweet. ‘They’ve been three good conversations though, don’t you reckon?’

  I didn’t answer. Lachlan wants to kiss you. I said it over and over in my head – like it was a foreign phrase that I couldn’t quite translate.

  Lachlan leant against the wall too, face turned towards mine. ‘Why can’t you believe me that I like you?’ he said. ‘That I want to hang out with you?’

  My head began to throb. ‘Lachlan,’ I said. ‘I can’t. I just can’t.’

  ‘Can’t what?’ said Lachlan. ‘Hang out or believe me?’

  Noise from the town hall filtered down to us, louder and then softer as the wind changed direction. There was laughing and cheering. It sounded a lifetime away.

  Lachlan turned his face up towards the sky. ‘Sometimes you seem to like me,’ he said, ‘and then you jump away, like you’re scared I’ll bite. I don’t get it. Is there something wrong?’

  Yeah there’s something freakin wrong, I thought. Something wrong with me. And I couldn’t accept that Lachlan didn’t know that, especially as he must have heard about my history by now. He should be running away as fast as he could before I wrecked his life just like I’d wrecked my family’s.

  But Lachlan didn’t move. He just stood there beside me and I realised he was waiting for a response. I turned and looked at him. It was time to be honest. ‘We don’t match.’

  Lachlan’s forehead wrinkled with surprise. ‘Match? Who says we have to? We’re not shoes.’

  ‘But we’re so different,’ I said, trying to find a way of explaining it. ‘You’re a swimmer. You probably train all the time. And if you’re not swimming you’re probably off doing something else active and sporty. I bet you go nuts sitting inside for more than five minutes and you love nothing more than hanging out at the beach.’ I knew I sounded blunt but maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing, even though it was hard to look at him as I spoke. Now let’s compare that with me, OK? I like hanging around on my own, listening to music no-one else has heard of and dreaming of the day I can get away from the ocean forever. Be honest, Lachlan. Do we sound like a good combination?’

  Lachlan was quiet for a long time and I wondered if he was waiting for me to leave. But eventually he spoke. ‘OK then. Who do I match?’

  ‘Someone cute,’ I said promptly. ‘Someone sweet and pretty who’ll mind your towel and cheer for you while you swim. Someone who says ohmigod all the time and who covers her mouth when she laughs in case she’s got food in her teeth. Someone smooth and knot-free.’

  Lachlan looked bemused. ‘What’s wrong with knots? They keep things together sometimes.’

  I ignored this, not wanting to break the flow of my description. The words came easily because I was describing someone I knew. Someone I used to be. Pretended to be, at least. ‘She’s perky and chatty and involved in everything. She talks about you as my beautiful swimming star and constantly raves about your latest successes.’

  Lachlan made a strange noise then. I stopped and stared. ‘You’re laughing?’

  ‘Sorry,’ said Lachlan, ‘but this chick sounds kind of irritating. And … fake.’

  He was right, of course. The old Olive was fake. That was why I’d finally knocked her off. The new Olive was hard and broken, but at least she was real. But she wasn’t the sort of person I thought Lachlan would want to kiss.

  ‘What about you?’ said Lachlan. ‘What kind of shoe do you match?’

  Truthfully? I suspected that there wasn’t anyone out there for me, a bloated, ex-mental-patient family-wrecker. And, as Ami had pointed out, most of the people I liked were about as unavailable as it is possible to be. As in dead. Or fictitious. But I wanted to give Lachlan an answer. One that didn’t leave me looking quite so tragic.

  ‘Dallas Kaye,’ I blurted. ‘He’s the lead singer of Luxe.’

  Lachlan gave me the strangest look then, like I’d just said something that really disappointed him. ‘Yeah,’ he muttered. ‘I know who he is.’

  Lachlan stepped away from the wall then, the gravel crunching beneath his shoes. Old-fashioned ones, I noticed, lovingly polished. Probably also his Grandpa’s. Looking at them I had a sudden image of Lachlan cleaning those shoes earlier this evening and the thought of it made my insides crinkle up.

  ‘I guess I see things differently,’ he said. ‘I don’t think people are like some board game that you can only play one way. And I’m kind of surprised that you do.’

  My stomach crunched again as Lachlan shoved his hands deep in the pockets of his jacket and turned away.

  ‘Hang on, Lachlan,’ I said. ‘Wait. Don’t be dumb about this.’ I knew it made no sense. All this time I’d spent trying to convince him to leave me alone and now that he was going I was holding him back.

  Lachlan stopped. Turned to face me. His expression was so cool that I could hardly stand looking at him. ‘The thing is, right now I feel like being dumb about it,’ he said, swinging away from me again. A moment later he stalked off around the corner.

  I stood where I was, longing for some kind of natural disaster to occur. An earthquake maybe. A hurricane. Anything to distract me from the way I was feeling. To break the icy silence that was closing in around me.

  And then something did happen. Someone screamed.

  For a momen
t I didn’t move, unsure of where the scream had come from or even if it was for real. Then it came again, an angry scream, and I knew it wasn’t a joke. It was coming from around the back of the hall. I got moving, running to the end of the path and into the little garden behind the hall.

  A purple spotlight was trained on the fig tree there. It was probably meant to light up the area and make it look less scary but it had the opposite effect, washing the tree’s bare branches and sinewy trunk with an alien glow. I stopped in the shadows, avoiding the purple light, deciding that it was better – safer – to remain unseen.

  I spotted Katie right away. She was in front of the fig tree with her back to me. She was so still and pale, the rippling of the wind across her dress the only movement. I knew instantly that it was Katie who’d screamed – everything about her stance said fury. But what had she screamed at, exactly? It wasn’t until I stepped sideways that I saw Cameron and Miranda sitting on the wooden bench under the tree. They weren’t touching, but there was something about the way they were sitting that made it clear they had been. Maybe it was the looseness of Cameron’s fish tie. Or the slightly rumpled look of Miranda’s hair. These days her hair never looked messy.

  I can picture so clearly how their faces looked as they sat there, although when I think back now, logically it’s not possible. The only light was trained up into the branches of the tree, not on the bench. Perhaps the moonlight was enough to illuminate them, though, because I can picture Cameron’s face perfectly – knotted and twisted around with guilt and anxiety. His tension made Miranda seem all the more serene.

  I shifted slightly and a twig cracked beneath my shoe. Neither Cam nor Katie reacted, but I thought I saw Miranda’s eyes flick over to where I was standing in the shadows. It was just for a moment, but when she looked away again her mouth was twitching.

  I knew I should go. This has nothing to do with you. But then Katie began talking and I found myself leaning forward, trying to pick out her words. Her voice was weak, like the screaming had drained her.

  ‘I saw you. Don’t try and deny it.’

  Cameron stood, holding his hands towards Katie, palms upwards. ‘Katie,’ he said. ‘Please.’

  Katie’s whole body was rigid and when she spoke her voice was the same. ‘I saw you. What you were doing on the bench together. You’re disgusting.’

  ‘Katie,’ said Cameron again, taking a micro-step towards her.

  Katie staggered back. ‘You’re a cheater,’ she hissed. ‘And a liar. I hate you. I hate you.’

  ‘Come on,’ said Cameron. ‘Calm down.’

  Katie shook her head. ‘You’ve been laughing at me, haven’t you?’ she said huskily. ‘Stupid little Katie. Doesn’t have a clue what’s going on. But I know now, don’t I? My boyfriend and my best friend.’

  Miranda laughed then – a laugh full of contempt, and I felt myself begin to simmer. How could she laugh?

  Katie’s hands clenched, her fists pitifully small. ‘I was so nice to you, Miranda. I made you!’ she said. ‘And all you’ve done is steal from me!’

  ‘I didn’t steal anything,’ sneered Miranda, rising from the bench and moving towards Katie. ‘You gave me things. But you can have everything back if you want – starting with these.’ Miranda lifted up the golden sweep of her hair and plucked Katie’s earrings from her ears. She held them out, like they were a couple of dead beetles. ‘They’re not real diamonds, you know.’

  Katie snatched up the earrings and flung them into the bushes. ‘I’m not talking about those,’ she said. The tendons in her neck were bulging.

  ‘Do you mean Cam?’ said Miranda, her voice full of scorn. ‘You loser. I didn’t steal him. He came looking for me. Can you guess why? Because you were boring him to death.’

  Katie shook her head.

  Miranda’s smile glittered. ‘Ask him yourself then.’

  For as long as I’d known him, Cameron had been the Big and Popular Guy. But that’s not how I would’ve described him right then. Right then he was the Shrunken and Nervous one. The one who looked like he was about to wet his pants. ‘I – that’s not –’

  The wind picked up Cameron’s stuttered words and flung them out to sea. Miranda turned her back on him and glided towards Katie. ‘So is there anything else you want to accuse me of stealing from you?’ she said. ‘Go on. I’m dying to hear it.’

  ‘I used to be popular,’ whispered Katie, starting to sag. ‘Beautiful.’

  ‘So I stole those things, did I?’ said Miranda. ‘Get real, Katie. You think that if I could steal personalities I’d bother stealing yours? You just lifted yours straight out of a magazine anyway. There’s nothing original about you. Nothing interesting either. That’s why Olive dumped you, isn’t it?’

  I went cold. Katie gasped and bowed over as if winded.

  ‘Miranda!’ Cameron was probably trying to sound firm but instead he just sounded scared. ‘This is getting out of control.’

  Miranda paid no attention. She kept moving towards Katie, her dress swish-swishing with each step. ‘So I suppose it’s also my fault you don’t eat anymore, is it?’ she said. ‘And that you’ve forgotten how to brush your hair? The hair that you also seem to have stopped washing?’ Miranda’s perfect little nose wrinkled with distaste. ‘Can’t you smell yourself? You reek.’

  The awful thing was that Miranda was right – Katie did smell. I’d noticed it myself the last few weeks. It was a musty, sour stench that clung to her, trailing behind in a cloud as she walked. The smell of neglect, I suppose. Or despair.

  Miranda tapped her cheek thoughtfully. Then she smiled – like a brilliant idea had struck. ‘You’ve always been so good at giving other people feedback on how they look,’ she said. ‘Maybe it’s time I gave you some. You know. Just to check you’re not turning into a road accident. There’s no going back once that happens, remember.’

  I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t imagined this scenario – Katie being treated the way she’d treated others. The way she’d treated me since I’d told her we were no longer friends. I’d never imagined it happening like this though, when she was already so broken and so empty. Part of me wanted to intervene then, but Ami’s warning rang in my ears. ‘Stay the hell away from her.’

  Miranda had already begun walking around Katie, examining her from all angles. ‘We may as well keep going with your hair,’ she said. ‘I can see your scalp. Not a good look, you’d have to agree. And your skin? Ew, Katie. So pasty white. You look like a corpse.’

  Get angry at her, I willed Katie. Push her away and leave. But all Katie did was nod. Like Miranda was doing her a favour.

  Miranda looked at Katie’s dress and shook her head regretfully. ‘Your clothes are so bland these days. I mean, what is that thing you’re wearing? A sack? But I guess most things would look like a sack on you now.’

  ‘I want to take the test,’ said Katie and even though her voice was whisper-thin there was a certain determination to it. ‘The one you said all the models in Europe have to take before a show.’

  ‘No,’ said Miranda sharply. ‘You can’t. Not here.’

  Katie raised her arms and held them out to the side. ‘You don’t need a tape measure to get the numbers,’ she pleaded. ‘You can tell just by looking at me, can’t you? Please. Just look at me.’

  ‘Actually, you’re right,’ said Miranda suddenly. ‘I can tell just by looking at you. Bad news again, Katie. Your numbers are way too low.’

  In the distance, the waves crashed and rolled.

  ‘Too low?’ whispered Katie. ‘I didn’t know that could happen.’

  ‘Of course it can. God, Katie. Have you looked in a mirror recently? You’re just bones. It’s disgusting.’

  I couldn’t control the yell that came from me then. ‘Stop it!’ I couldn’t just watch from the shadows any more. Not while someone was being mauled alive right in front of me. Even if they didn’t want my help.

  Katie and Miranda turned to look at me. Katie’s expression was so
vague I wasn’t sure she even knew who I was. But it was clear from Miranda’s expression that she did. With a chill I realised she had known I was there, all along.

  ‘Are you standing up for Katie now?’ she said. ‘How very strange. Considering how you dumped her.’

  I mustered up the fiercest expression I could, doing my best to ignore the pounding pain in my skull. What was it about Miranda that made my head ache? ‘Just leave her alone,’ I said.

  Miranda snorted. ‘With pleasure.’

  Katie stood fixed in place for a moment, looking at Miranda. Then silently she fled into the darkness.

  My heart began to race as I looked at Cameron, slumped on the bench, head in hands. ‘Aren’t you going after her?’ I demanded.

  ‘She doesn’t want to see me,’ he mumbled.

  I couldn’t even look at him. I was right to mess with him, I thought savagely. That cowardly piece of shit.

  ‘I’ll go then,’ I spat. ‘Alone.’

  I guess it’s pretty strange to go searching for someone you don’t like very much, but there was no way I could let Katie run off on her own like that – so upset and so obviously sick. I’d let Miss Falippi go. I wasn’t going to make the same mistake again.

  I turned and stormed off, but before I could get very far, there was a hand on my arm – one full of warmth and reassurance. ‘Wait up. I’ll come too.’

  How long had Lachlan been there? It didn’t matter. He was there and I was glad. Crazy glad. He raised an eyebrow. ‘But only if you want my help, of course.’

  I didn’t quite trust myself to speak, so I nodded.