by Em Bailey
The panic that had propelled me there had worn off a little by the time I arrived. I felt my confidence slip further as I pushed through the front door and smelled that familiar smell of overcooked vegetables. It was unlikely that Katie would be thrilled to see me – I’d probably just be a reminder of how far she’d fallen. But I was here now and it felt stupid just to turn around. I took a deep breath. Bee brave, I told myself. All you have to do is go in and just warn her to stay away from Miranda. That seemed reasonable, and do-able.
The woman at reception smiled as I approached. ‘Hello,’ she said. ‘We haven’t seen you for a while.’
‘I’m here to visit Katie Clarke,’ I said quickly.
The woman looked at the visitors list and shook her head. ‘Sorry. It’s relatives only at the moment.’
Patients at this clinic were able to indicate people they did and didn’t want to see. You couldn’t forbid the doctors or nurses from coming, of course, but just about anyone else could be on the ‘no visits’ list. When I was here, I’d made it clear that I didn’t want to see anyone from school.
‘She’s my cousin,’ I lied.
The nurse scrutinised my face. People used to say we looked alike. ‘She’s in Room 12,’ she said finally. ‘Don’t stay too long. And keep things calm, please.’
My shoes made mouse-like noises on the polished corridor tiles. Room 8, Room 9. I tried to work out what to say to Katie that sounded halfway believable. You know your supposed best friend Miranda? I think she’s draining you of your personality and spirit. It was going to be tricky.
I stopped outside Room 12. I could see my distorted reflection in the glass. Even stretched out long and thin like that, it looked anxious. This could be such a mistake.
But I went in anyway. It was air-conditioner quiet in there and for a minute I thought I’d got the wrong room. This one was unoccupied. Then there was a noise from the bed and I saw Katie lying there, asleep. She barely made a lump under the sheets.
I stood by the door, awkward and awful. This was all so wrong. If Katie had been in hospital just a couple of months ago, it would have been overflowing with flowers, teddies, giant cards. People would’ve camped in here around the clock, and Katie would’ve been propped up in bed, behaving like royalty. I could picture Justine and Paige fussing around, arranging all the flowers in vases, and Cameron lying on the bed next to Katie, joking that this hotel was so good he was going to stay too.
But apart from a few things probably brought in by her family – some magazines, a single bunch of flowers – the room was totally bare. It was just Katie. And me.
I started backing out. There was no point hanging around if Katie was asleep. Maybe I could call her, or email even. That would be better, probably.
As I was reaching for the door handle, there was another noise from the bed. Katie’s eyes were open, watching me.
‘What are you doing here?’ Her voice gave no clue as to what she thought about finding me in her room. There was this strange blankness about it and I couldn’t tell if she was cross or surprised. Maybe she’s pleased to see me, I thought, although I knew that was unlikely.
‘Just dropping by to say howdy. I’ve never known anyone who’s been rushed to hospital in an ambulance before. I was wondering what it was like.’ My voice sounded high and fake, my words like they’d been scripted by someone else. A moron.
Katie grimaced. The bed covers rippled as she shifted her legs beneath it. ‘I wouldn’t recommend it,’ she said.
‘At least you get some time off school,’ I said stupidly. That was a mistake. Being reminded of school was probably the last thing Katie wanted.
She twitched the corner of her sheet. ‘How is school?’
My mouth was apparently out of control. ‘You’re the hot topic of conversation, of course. You even made it to the front page of the paper.’ Another mistake. The article hadn’t exactly been the sort you’d cut out and keep for your scrapbook.
Katie wasn’t listening anyway. ‘Everyone hates me,’ she said. ‘All my friends. Cam. Everyone.’
‘No, they don’t.’ I went and sat on the chair beside her bed. ‘They feel terrible about what happened. They … told me to send you their love.’ It’s OK to lie, isn’t it, when the person you’re lying to looks so sad and sick? It’s not so much lying as making up a story.
Katie must have known it wasn’t true, but I could see she desperately wanted to believe it all the same. She fell back on her pillows and let my fairytale wash over her. ‘How sweet,’ she murmured.
‘How long are you going to be in here?’
Katie shook her head slowly. ‘I don’t know,’ she said. ‘They want me to “fill out” a bit.’ She gave a hollow laugh. ‘But there’s no way that’s going to happen if they keep serving me up plates of disgusting gunk.’
‘What do you feel like eating?’ I asked.
‘A choc-top.’ When Katie grinned I saw a flash of how she used to be – that spark in her eye.
‘I’ll bring you one,’ I said. ‘Next time I visit.’
‘Do you remember when we tried to make our own?’ said Katie suddenly. ‘Back before –’ her eyes flicked away for a moment. ‘Well, back when we were friends?’
Funny. I’d forgotten about doing that. ‘I still don’t know how they get the chocolate to stick on properly,’ I said. ‘Ours just fell off in big globs everywhere. But they were still pretty awesome.’
Katie looked awake now – properly awake. ‘Olive, do you think I’ve got an eating disorder?’
Her question took me by surprise. Katie had always worried about her weight. And there was no denying that she was scarily thin. I remembered what I’d come here to do.
‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘I do.’
Katie’s face fell. She squashed back down into the pillows.
‘But I don’t think you have anorexia or bulimia or anything,’ I added quickly. ‘Your disorder is that you’re being eaten. From the inside out. And not just your body. Your mind too.’
From the corridor came the sound of someone pushing a trolley with squeaky wheels. I remembered that squeak from when I was here.
Katie’s eyes were fixed on me. ‘What do you mean?’
‘That stuff you said to Miranda at the formal. You’re right. She is stealing from you. She’s trying to steal your whole life.’
Katie was trembling now and I knew that I had to choose my words carefully. If I suddenly launched into a description of shapeshifters, with a bit of wasp stuff thrown in, Katie would reach straight for the call button and have me ejected. I needed to say the things Katie probably already suspected.
‘She wants to take everything from you,’ I said.
For a moment Katie didn’t respond. Then she nodded.
I leant forward. ‘She makes herself stronger by making you weaker.’
‘Yes.’
‘You can’t trust her, Katie. She’s not your friend, no matter what she says.’
Katie’s face screwed up. I’d gone too far. ‘No, it’s you who’s not my friend. You dumped me, remember? Without ever telling me why. I came to the clinic to visit you. I was worried. But they said you didn’t want to see me. Then when you came back to school you acted like you didn’t even know who I –’
‘Hang on a minute,’ I said angrily. ‘Don’t put that all on me. It was as much your fault as it was mine.’
‘What the hell are you talking about?’ Katie’s voice cracked.
‘It’s not like we could still be friends after what you did,’ I said, my temper fizzing. ‘You told everyone about my dad leaving. And about my … Incident. So excuse me for not wanting to be friends anymore.’
Katie was speechless, and I felt a small surge of triumph. She’d obviously thought she could get away with betraying her best friend and that everything would be fine. And then she said something that floored me.
‘Ollie,’ she said, looking me right in the eye, ‘I never told anyone anything. I mean, I wrote about it in
my diary – I had to, to cope with everything – but you know that’s completely locked and hidden. Anyway, we’ve been friends since primary school. How could you think I’d actually blab all that personal stuff?’
‘But everyone acts like they know,’ I said, finding my voice. ‘Like I’m a leper who’s going to –’
‘I said you were away because you had glandular, you idiot. The only reason everyone avoids you now is because you act like a pain in the arse who’s too good for us.’ Katie crossed her thin arms, and I saw the blue veins beneath her papery skin. ‘So why the hell should I trust you now, about Miranda, when you’ve obviously never trusted me?’
The hum of the air conditioner had triggered an echo in my brain. I could feel it, high and insistent like a mosquito. I massaged my temples with the heels of my hand, trying to get things straight. If Katie was telling the truth, and nobody at school knew about what had happened, then not even Lachlan knew. So his interest had been genuine. And maybe I’d completely screwed things up with the one guy at school who was decent and lovely. I felt a cold hand squeezing my heart, but I had to put all thoughts of him out my mind. I had to focus.
Of course, things with Katie weren’t that straightforward. Our friendship had been shattering in slow motion for a long time before Dad left, and before I did what I did. But what could I say to her now that wouldn’t just make everything a whole lot worse? Did she really want to hear how I felt like I’d been forcing myself into a badly-fitting friendship? How I’d started to despise all the things she was interested in, and only pretended to care so I wouldn’t upset her? And how when Dad left, it just exploded inside me and I couldn’t pretend any more? I figured that these were things she didn’t need to hear. Especially now.
‘I’m sorry, Katie,’ I said. ‘Things were really … screwy for me then. I know I was a bad friend and I know you’re pissed off. It’s just …’
Katie watched as I struggled to think of an explanation. ‘I guess I was jealous of you,’ I said, and it was partly true. I’d been jealous of how easy her life was.
Katie’s eyes opened wide with disbelief. ‘You were jealous of me?’ she said. ‘That’s crazy. You’re the smart one. The funny one. The cool one. The one everyone liked. Even …’ Katie pushed up her knees under the sheets and hugged them. ‘I sometimes got the feeling that even Cam had a thing for you.’ She laughed, embarrassed. ‘I was always so scared he’d dump me and chase after you instead.’
I felt a pang of pity for Katie, and another feeling too. Regret.
Maybe I could have handled things better with her. Maybe I’d been too quick to give up on our friendship. There were things that Katie and I needed to talk about. But not now. There was other stuff – life and death stuff – to deal with. I had to make her promise to cut Miranda off.
I reached over and squeezed her hand. ‘I’m so sorry, Katie. About everything. I know it’s hard but you have to trust me on this. Miranda is really dangerous and you’re her number one target at the moment. You have to stay away from her. Please tell me she’s on your “no visits” list.’
Katie’s hand suddenly gripped onto mine, tense and surprisingly strong.
‘What’s wrong?’
Katie had frozen – even her breathing seemed to have halted. Her head was turned slightly to one side, listening. I listened too but at first all I picked up was the food trolley, squeaking its way around from room to room. Then I heard two people talking as they walked down the corridor, coming closer.
I recognised the nurse’s voice straight away. When I was here, she was the one who always seemed to be in a foul mood. She’d walk into your room and sigh, like you were keeping her from what she’d rather be doing. She had one of those stern faces that seemed incapable of cracking a smile – even a fake one. But I could hear her laughing and chatting in an über-friendly way.
‘She’ll be so pleased to see you,’ I heard her saying as she came closer. ‘And you’ll be helping so much too.’
‘It’s no problem,’ the other person replied. ‘I want to help – she’s my best friend after all.’
I knew who it was. Someone who sounded exactly how Katie used to sound.
Katie knew too. Her bony fingers hooked into my arm. ‘Don’t let her in,’ she whispered. ‘Please. She can’t see me like this.’
I pulled away from Katie’s grip and stood up. ‘Don’t worry. I’ll sort it out.’ I walked towards the door like I had some sort of plan, when actually I had no idea what to do. Throw myself up against the door or fling it open and wrestle Miranda to the ground? And then what? Call the police? Arrest this girl immediately. She’s a personality thief. A shapeshifter.
I reached for the door handle – maybe planning to walk out and confront Miranda in the corridor – but as I took hold, I felt it turn beneath my hand. Then the door pushed open, sweeping me to one side, and there was Miranda. I jumped in front of her, blocking the entrance, standing close enough to feel her breath against my skin – cold and with no scent. Snow-breath, I thought, shivering.
‘Olive,’ she said. ‘How totally not surprising to see you. Move it. I’m here to see Katie.’
I stayed put. ‘She doesn’t want to see you.’ My legs were tensed and ready but I didn’t really know what for. I’d never confronted someone like Miranda. A shifter.
‘Don’t be stupid,’ snapped Miranda, pushing past me with surprising strength. Her thick hair flicked into my face. ‘Katie is my friend. My best friend. Of course she wants to see me.’
Katie’s hands fluttered up to cover her face. ‘I’m sorry, Miranda. I look so terrible.’
‘Katie!’ I knew it was bad to yell at someone who was so weak, but this was beyond frustrating. ‘Don’t apologise. It’s her freakin fault you’re in this state.’
Katie’s crying grew louder. She pushed back the covers and scuttled into the bathroom, clicking the lock behind her.
Miranda didn’t try to stop her. Didn’t even glance her way. She was watching me instead – her mouth smiling but her eyes still and cold. ‘It’s my fault, is it?’ she said.
I jumped as someone came up behind me and put their hand on my arm. It was Ami. She gave me a reassuring squeeze. ‘Don’t let her psych you out,’ she murmured. I hadn’t seen her arrive but I was so glad she was there.
Having Ami there made me feel a thousand times better. ‘I know what you’re doing to Katie,’ I told Miranda, pleased by how strong I sounded. ‘All those wonks at school might be blind to your crap, but I’m not. I watched what you did – pulling her apart bit by bit while you pretended to be her friend.’
Miranda flicked her hand dismissively. ‘You know what your mistake is? You’ve been listening to Katie and taking her seriously. Her brain has been starved. She’s completely paranoid. Delusional. You of all people should know something about that.’
My head had begun to pound.
‘Don’t listen to her,’ whispered Ami. ‘We are right about this. We need to tell Katie what we know.’
The door opened and a nurse appeared. The cranky one. ‘What’s going on?’ she said, glowering at the empty bed. ‘Where’s Katie?’
‘She’s locked in the bathroom because she upset her.’ Miranda pointed at me. ‘She should leave.’
‘Me? I’m not the one Katie’s terrified of,’ I shot back. I was shaking – from anger – but I knew it made me look scared. ‘You’re the one who should go.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ said the nurse crisply. ‘Miranda is part of the recovery team. She has volunteered to sit with Katie during all her meals and encourage her to eat. She’s Katie’s healthy-weight role model.’
That left me unable to speak. How could anyone mistake Miranda for a role model?
The nurse checked the clock. ‘It’s Katie’s meal time now. You’ll have to go.’
‘No. I won’t,’ I said. The nurse brought the stubborn child out in me. Ami gave me the thumbs up.
‘No-one is considering how Katie feels,’ said M
iranda, ‘Let’s ask her what she wants.’ She walked over to the bathroom door and knocked on it firmly. ‘Hon?’ Miranda’s voice was gentle. Soft enough to stroke. ‘Come on. Open up.’
There was a long pause, then finally the sound of the lock being turned. A moment later Katie stood in the doorway – a greyish silhouette against the ultra-bright light of the bathroom.
Miranda reached over and lightly touched Katie’s arm, making all the tiny hairs instantly rise. ‘Do you want me to leave?’ she said. ‘Because if you do, just say and I’ll go,’ she snapped her fingers, ‘like that.’ It was somehow threatening.
Katie’s eyes – already bloodshot from crying – began filling with tears again. ‘Please don’t leave me. I want you to stay.’
Miranda’s face swung back to mine, gleaming with triumph.
‘You’ve got to explain to Katie how much danger she’s in,’ urged Ami quietly. ‘Make her understand.’
‘Katie,’ I said. ‘Think of everything she’s done to you. All the things she’s taken. Tell her to leave.’
But Katie shook her head. ‘I want her to stay.’
The nurse went over and took hold of Katie’s arm, leading her back to bed. ‘Enough of this nonsense.’
When Katie was tucked back in Miranda sat beside the bed, where I’d been sitting moments earlier.
‘I’m going to check on the food trolley,’ said the nurse. She glanced in my direction as she left the room. ‘When I come back I want you gone.’
Miranda smiled. I win, the smile said. You lose.
It felt like everyone – Miranda, Katie, Ami – was looking at me then. Waiting for me to do something.
Rage blew across Ami’s face. ‘She can’t get away with this! Olive, you have to do something.’
I’ve thought so many times about that moment. What I could have done. Maybe I could’ve grabbed Katie and bolted for the door. She looked so light I could’ve carried her. But where would we go? Maybe I should’ve run after the nurse and explained that Miranda was the last person to be left in charge of Katie. But what was the point? Katie didn’t want to be saved.