“It was our pleasure. I hope you enjoy—” She stopped at the sound of a knock on the door and sighed. “That’s somebody at the outside stairway entrance. I hope it’s not somebody wanting something from the store on Christmas Day.”
She turned and hurried out of the room. Sarah glanced around once more before she picked up her valise and followed to the parlor. She’d just set her bag down beside the fireplace when her aunt opened the door and uttered a soft gasp of surprise.
Sarah could tell it was a man’s voice that answered her aunt, but she couldn’t tell what he was saying. She turned to face the door and felt the breath leave her body when Alex stepped into the room. Her aunt glanced from one to the other as if she didn’t know what to say. The veins in her neck stood out, and Sarah realized Aunt Clara was having trouble speaking.
Alex moved closer, and Sarah reached up and grabbed the edge of the mantel to steady her shaking legs. His eyes burned into her. It was all she could do not to run to him. She tightened her hold on the mantel.
“Hello, Sarah.” Her name rolled off his tongue like a sweet caress, and she shivered with pleasure.
She swallowed hard. “Alex, what are you doing here?”
“Ellen told me yesterday you came home for Christmas. I tried to stay away, but I couldn’t.”
Sarah glanced at Aunt Clara with pleading eyes. Help me, she begged silently. With a shake of her head Aunt Clara reached for a shawl hanging on a hook near the door and wrapped it around her shoulders. “I’ll go see what’s keeping Charlie. It’s nice to see you, Alex.”
He nodded without turning to face her. “It’s good to see you too, Clara.”
She opened the door and stepped outside. When the door had closed behind her, Sarah let go of the mantel and clasped her hands in front of her. “Why did you come, Alex?”
“I wanted to see you.” His gaze drifted over her face. “You look wonderful. Teaching must agree with you.”
“It does. I’ve had a good first semester. And how about you? Is the law firm everything you thought it would be?”
“It’s all right. I’m working hard.” He hesitated a moment. “I saw your picture in the paper, and I’ve read several articles about you. It seems you’re busy in the Memphis suffrage group.”
“I am. In fact I may be going to Washington soon to help with the cause there.”
Surprise flashed across his face. “Washington? Are you going alone?”
“No. Mrs. Simpson and Roger are going with me.”
“Roger?” He spit the word out like it was distasteful. “I might have known he’d be involved.”
Her hands balled into fists. “He’s been very good to me.”
“I’m sure he has. And what does he want in return for it?”
“Maybe the same thing Larraine Buckley wants from you.”
His mouth dropped open, and he stared at her in shock. “H–how did you know about Larraine?”
She tried to smile, but she couldn’t. “You’re not the only one who reads the newspaper. I’ve seen your picture in the society news several times.”
“She’s just a friend, Sarah. My boss’s daughter.”
“And Roger is my friend, as well as one of my bosses.”
Alex groaned and raked his hand through his hair. “I didn’t come here to talk about anybody else but us. I wanted to see you and make sure you’re all right.” He wrapped his fingers around her arms above her elbows and stared into her eyes. “And I wanted to tell you I still love you.”
She knew she should pull away, tell him she didn’t love him, shout at him to leave, but she couldn’t. Instead she gazed up at him. “And I still love you.”
“Then why can’t we fix this problem between us? I thought all women wanted the men they love to be successful in their professions. Why can’t you do that for me?”
“Oh, but I do. I just don’t want your success to cost you so much of who you are.”
He frowned. “What does that mean?”
“You have a law degree. You can work in any law firm in Tennessee. Why does it have to be in James Buckley’s firm? When I met you, I knew you could be a lawyer who sees the needs people have and help them with their problems no matter who they were. A person has to have a lot of money to hire one of the lawyers at Mr. Buckley’s firm. You’ve let your obsession with making money get in the way of how you could help people less fortunate.”
“And you’re not thinking of yourself? You want to be able to walk into a voting booth and cast your ballot. I think you’re willing to put that first no matter what it costs you and everybody else who loves you.”
“Alex, I’m not in the suffrage movement for myself alone. I’m representing hundreds of thousands of women all across this country. They need to be recognized as citizens in this country and given the rights that men have. If I gave up their fight, I’d be disloyal to them. There are very few of us who are willing to stand up and be heard. I have to be one of their voices.”
A smirk pulled at his mouth, and he shook his head. “So nothing has changed. You’re not going to give up this silly fight.”
Her skin grew warm at the snide remark. “Why would you call it silly?”
“Since time began, the woman’s place has been in the home. It’s the husband’s place to take care of the family in every way. Men haven’t been doing a bad job electing our leaders in the past, and I don’t think they will in the future.” He took a step closer. “And they will keep doing it because nothing’s going to change. You’re not going to win this fight, Sarah.”
She almost doubled over in pain from what felt like a kick in the stomach. Instead she straightened her shoulders and glared at him. “Well, it’s certainly good that I’ve finally seen your true colors, Mr. Taylor. I thought you were supposed to be a Christian man who cared about other people. I now see your pompous prayers really hid what was in your heart. I lost my faith in God long ago, and now it seems yours wasn’t real after all.”
Pain flickered in his eyes. “Sarah, please don’t say that. I don’t want you to think about me that way.”
She brushed at the tears running down her face. “I’m afraid I already do.”
He backed away from her. “Then there’s nothing left to say.”
She shook her head. “No, nothing else.”
He turned toward the door, and the slump of his shoulders made her want to run to him and throw her arms around him. She willed herself to stand still. When he reached the door, he put his hand on the knob and stood there with his head bent. Then he turned and faced her.
“Sarah, I meant it when I said I love you, but I’m through trying to put our relationship back together. I want to be happy, so I won’t bother you again. I’m going to get on with my life.”
She clasped her hands in front of her and nodded. “And I’ll do the same.”
His gaze drifted over her face once more. “I may be walking out of your life, but I will stand by my promise. If you ever need me, let me know. No matter where you are, I will come for you.”
She clamped her trembling lips together and nodded. She didn’t move until he had stepped outside and closed the door behind him. Then she fell on the sofa and released the tears she’d held in while he was here. She’d told herself she was slowly getting over Alex, but today that had been proven wrong. It didn’t matter where she went or what she did, she knew she would never quit loving the man she’d first met at the pump behind the store.
The only problem was the man she’d met that day didn’t exist anymore, and she didn’t know how to live without him.
Alex tied his horse to the hitching post beside the church and stared at the building where he’d attended services all his life. To someone just passing by, the white clapboard building might appear to be only another small church on a dirt road in a rural community, but to him it was something much more.
Inside the walls of this small church he’d given his heart to God when he was a boy, and he’d promised Ellen and
everyone in attendance that day he would always serve the Lord with gladness. He’d done that all his life until last summer, when his life had changed. What had happened to him?
He hadn’t been inside a church in the months he’d been in Memphis. Instead he’d spent Sundays at his office or with Larraine Buckley. Sarah had accused him of pretending to have faith and that he prayed pompous prayers. Was that really the impression he gave other people?
He glanced at the front door and wondered if the church was unlocked today. He felt an urgent need to go inside and find some answers to all the questions pouring through his head. He climbed the steps, opened the door, and stepped inside.
The dark interior of the church calmed him and sent a peaceful feeling rippling through his soul. He eased down the aisle, slid onto the bench where he’d sat all his life for services, and rested his crossed arms on the pew in front of him. He lowered his head until it lay atop his arms. He wanted to pray, but the words eluded him. Even if he could pray, he doubted God would want to hear from somebody like him who hadn’t been in touch in four months.
He buried his face deeper in his crossed arms and thought of all the things Sarah had said to him. Then he thought of Ellen and how her face had looked yesterday when he’d ranted at her because she hadn’t told him about her feelings for Edmund. He wondered if he would ever recover from the guilt gnawing at his heart for hurting the two women he loved.
The tap of footsteps on the wooden floor alerted him that someone had entered the church and now walked down the aisle toward where he sat. He looked up in surprise at the figure of Edmund Lancaster looming above him. “Hello, Edmund. What are you doing here?”
“Ellen was worried because you’ve been gone so long. She sent me to look for you. I saw your horse outside and thought I would see why you’re here.”
Alex scooted over and motioned Edmund to sit beside him. “I took a ride on my horse for a while. I rode and did a lot of thinking. Then I went to see Sarah. Ellen had told me she was home for Christmas.”
Edmund’s eyebrows arched. “And how did that go?”
“Not too well, I’m afraid. We both said some things that hurt. After I left Charlie’s, I felt the need to come here and pray. For some reason, I can’t find the words I want to say.”
They sat in silence for several minutes before Edmund spoke. “Alex, Ellen’s worried about you. You’ve taken this breakup with Sarah a lot harder than she thought you would. She’s afraid your health is going to be affected if you don’t get your emotions under control.”
Alex rubbed his hand across his tired eyes. “It’s not just Sarah and her silly cause. It’s the pressures of my new job and all the hours I’m putting in trying to become a valuable member of the firm. Then I come home and find out the boy I intended to run the farm for me wants to enlist in the army. And then I get the biggest shock of all when Ellen tells me she wants to marry you. It’s too much at one time.”
“I know what it’s like when you’re first starting out in a new job. I remember when I got out of medical school and joined a practice in Memphis. I worked long hours just like you’ve done to prove myself. I found out I was neglecting important things in my life, things I could never get back.”
Alex swiveled in his seat and stared at Edmund. “Like what?”
“Oh, like spending time with my family. Enjoying the blessings of each day. I even got to the point where I didn’t read my Bible and pray like I should. I strayed from my faith for a while, I’m afraid.”
Alex nodded. “Yeah, I know what you mean. Sarah accused me of pretending to be a Christian and said the prayers she’d heard me pray were pompous. But I believe in God, and I love Him with all my heart. Over the past few months, though, I’ve felt like He’s deserted me. He’s left me to deal with my problems all alone.”
Edmund looked at the cross on the communion table at the front of the church and back at Alex. “No matter how committed we are to God, we can let circumstances in our lives lead us away from Him if we’re not careful. It happened to me, and I had to realize it wasn’t God that had deserted me. I had deserted Him.”
“How did you get back to the place where you’d been in your relationship with God before?”
Edmund took a deep breath. “I had to take each of my problems and lay them at His feet. I had to come to the point that I realized I couldn’t control what was happening to me, and I had to place it all in His hands. When I did that, my whole life changed. You’ve suffered a lot of changes in your life in the last year, and you’re not coping very well. Why don’t you turn it all over to God?”
Alex bent over and leaned on the pew in front of him. “I want to do that, but right now I don’t even know where to start.”
Edmund sat silent for a minute. “Well, why don’t we deal with one thing at a time? Let’s talk about Augie first. Ellen told me you found him alone in a sharecropper’s house after his father had deserted him. His mother was dead, and he had no relatives, so you brought him home. You and Ellen gave him a place to live, fed him, and accepted him as one of the family. Did you remind him every day of what you’d done for him and ask him to sign a lifetime commitment to you for your kindness?”
Alex sat up, his back straight. “Of course not. I wanted to help him.”
“And you have, Alex. You’ve helped him develop into a fine young man, one who wants to test his wings and fly out into the world. You don’t want him to live his life just to help you.”
“But what will I do about the farm if he leaves? I need someone to run it for me, and I was depending on him to do that.”
Edmund turned his body in the pew to face Alex. “God has given you a brilliant mind, Alex. You have a job in a prestigious law firm, and I know you’re going to do well. If God has gone to all the trouble to provide you with these things, don’t you believe He’s a big enough God to provide a plan for your farm?”
Alex hung his head. “I know that in my heart. But I worry about the tenant farmers and who will oversee them.” He stared up at Edmund. “And I feel guilty for leaving Ellen alone with it while I was away in school. Now I’m in Memphis, and I worry about crops that need to be planted and harvested. And the more I worry, the more alone I feel. What’s happened to me?”
Edmund reached out and touched Alex’s shoulder. “You’re human, Alex. When we take our eyes off the example Jesus gave, we all tend to feel alone and desperate.”
“Sometimes I question why God doesn’t change things the way I want, and I begin to lose my faith in Him.”
“What do you want God to change?”
“One thing I’d have Him change is Sarah’s determination about this suffrage thing, and I’d take care of her and Ellen. I wanted to do well and make money so I could give Ellen the things I’ve always wanted her to have—a big house, clothes, a chance to travel.” He frowned at Edmund. “But she doesn’t want anything from me anymore. She wants to marry you.”
“Ellen’s faith brought the two of you through a lot of hard years. She gave up a lot for you, Alex, but she never meant for you to repay her with money and possessions. All she wants is some happiness of her own. You hurt her with your attitude about our wedding.”
Anger flared in Alex. “That’s your fault, Edmund. I’m the head of our family, and you should have spoken to me before you said anything to Ellen.”
Edmund’s face showed no emotion. “Maybe the reason you’re angry with Sarah and Ellen is because you’ve never really come to terms with your feelings about women.”
Alex’s face grew warm, and his pulse pounded. “What do you mean by that remark? Sarah’s off working for some harebrained idea that doesn’t amount to a hill of beans, when she could’ve been my wife. I would’ve made her happy. Ellen forgot her place by not asking my permission to marry.”
Edmund waited for Alex to finish his tirade before he continued. “Forgot her place? Sarah working for a harebrained idea? Alex, the world is changing. The promise of individual rights built this
nation. Right now, only men have the privilege to vote, yet women must adhere to the same laws as they do.”
“Yes, I’ve certainly heard that from Sarah.” There was no disguising the disgust in his voice.
Edmund’s quiet voice continued. “Ellen raised you to study the Bible and believe the Word of God. Think back, Alex, to how it was before Jesus came. Women were nothing more than chattel. They held no rights. They couldn’t testify in court because of their lowly estate. Jesus changed all that.”
“What are you getting at, Edmund?”
Edmund looked toward the cross on the communion table, and his eyes glistened. “On the morning of the resurrection, Jesus revealed Himself to two women and charged them with the duty of telling everyone He had risen. Think about it. He entrusted His glorious message to mankind to those the government prohibited from even speaking in a court of law.”
Alex pondered Edmund’s words. “I never thought of it like that.”
“If Jesus loved women that much and raised them to such a place of honor, how can we do any differently? I don’t know what will happen with Sarah and her fight. But she believes it’s important, and for that reason we should support her.”
Edmund placed his hand on Alex’s shoulder. “As for Ellen, your sister has devoted her life to you, but you don’t own her. She can make her own decisions without your approval. We hope you’ll be happy for us. If you choose otherwise, it will make no difference in our commitment to each other. We plan to be married next month and hope you’ll attend the ceremony. Let us know.”
With that, Edmund stood up and walked out of the church. Alex sat in the pew thinking of all Edmund said. A feeling of guilt and shame surged through him.
He moved to the front of the church and fell to the floor. He prostrated himself at the altar and groaned as his heart and mind wrestled with the doctor’s words. Was Edmund right?
Sarah had been honest with him since the day of the picnic about her commitment to suffrage, but he had never tried to understand the depth of her allegiance. Instead he had judged her feelings in light of his own desires, the same as he did with Ellen. He had never given a thought to understanding why Sarah felt driven to work for suffrage. His unhappiness over his failure to keep Sarah with him had driven him to lash out at Ellen in his fear of being left alone.
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