He caught up the water bottle and took a healthy drink of the icy water because his throat was burning raw. He could barely breathe, his lungs squeezing down, refusing to work properly. His brothers were royally fucked up. Sisters too. His fault. Demyan dead. His fault. And the biggest crime of all.
“All those innocents, Scarlet. Those girls the true monsters collected. Their prizes I trained for them to put on display. I helped them. I even helped train the masters.” He capped the bottle again, frowning, rubbing the ice-cold glass back and forth over his forehead. “It doesn’t matter that I want my motivations to be altruistic. They weren’t. I needed something. One decent thing for myself. I was going fucking crazy. I had everyone’s demons in my head. Not just the others, the children’s, but the instructors. Sometimes I thought I was going insane. I needed that little kitten to cuddle and take care of. To totally concentrate on. I saw to her happiness. I could make her purr all the time. I needed her to keep me sane.”
His head hurt so fucking bad he was afraid it would explode. “The kittens were content when they sucked their master’s cock. To them it was like getting a reward, cream from their master, their favorite treat. It calmed them. It felt good. I wasn’t getting beaten or raped. I was her master and she was always happy and content. As long as the masters of the kittens and pony girls were happy, I could have my kitten. I made certain the girls were very well trained and did whatever was required of them and were happy to do so. I did what Savage did. He trained the girls and boys to like pain. I trained them to be pets.”
He couldn’t keep the self-loathing out of his voice. “There was one brute of a man. He chose the youngest girl. She was so scared, and he liked to hurt her. He liked to scare her. He didn’t want me to train her. He didn’t like me going near her. He wanted to do all of her training himself. It was an ego thing. I hated that she was so frightened all the time and one day, when I didn’t think he was watching and she was sobbing, I whispered to her, pushing obedience into her mind. He went ballistic. He raged at me. I could have taken the beating. Gladly would have taken it. I was used to it. I was used to rape. It had been going on practically since I was a toddler.”
Memories were close. Too close. He rolled the bottle over his pounding temple, first one side and then the other, trying to find a way to breathe. “Those girls, they just wouldn’t leave it. When the other men wanted to join in—and it often happened that way, I could take that too—the girls lost their minds. They attacked. Brutus, that’s what we all called him, had a huge ego and temper to match it. He was so furious. He beat them back, beat me, kicked them. They were like little rag dolls. I tried to protect them, but he was huge and the other masters overpowered me and dragged me out of the training hall we had.”
His breath was coming too fast and he was close to hyperventilating. Getting dizzy. He forced himself to slow down, drink another swallow of water. Get back in control. Own up to his fuckin’ sins. He was laying out his blackened soul to his wife. Condemning Savage as a monster, a serial killer, was naming the wrong man. She’d tied herself to the real one.
“They all knew Brutus and they probably realized before I did what he was capable of and what he planned to do. I couldn’t conceive of that kind of evil, even after all I’d seen. He stomped those girls, those beautiful little innocent girls, and then doused them with an accelerant. He lit the hall on fire and barricaded the doors, leaving them inside to burn alive. I tried to get them out. I fucking tried with everything I had. I couldn’t stop him using my voice because the other men had their hands over my mouth. They didn’t want him killing me. Then when I ran back to try to get them out of the burning building, Savage and Steele stopped me.”
He took another swallow of water. “I fought them off. Demyan came. I fought them all. The building collapsed and they were all dead. All of them including my little kitten. I hadn’t saved any of them. I hadn’t protected a single one of them. They were all dead. I wanted to die too. I made up my mind to die. I went back down to our dungeon, that sickening place where so many others had died, and I refused to speak or eat. I didn’t care who threatened me, raped me or beat me. I didn’t respond when they threatened anyone else. I was going to die. They’d finally broken me. I welcomed death. Nothing Czar said, or Demyan, or Savage or Steele mattered. Demyan’s voice didn’t work on me. I just waited to die. They couldn’t force me to eat.”
He fell silent, raising his gaze to Scarlet’s. Her green eyes were that brilliant emerald. Tears swam in her eyes. He knew they were in his.
“Alena has a gift with food. She can make you taste anything. She can do this thing where she transfers food into you somehow when it’s really nothing. I hated her. I fought her for so long. She wouldn’t stop and Demyan sat with me in his lap just whispering to open my mouth, that I wanted what she was giving me. That it was the best there was and I craved it. To this day, that dish is always my favorite. Savage and Steele stayed close to make certain I didn’t harm myself. One of them always guarded me. When they couldn’t, it was Reaper and Czar, but it was always Savage, Steele, Demyan and Alena I blamed for keeping me alive.”
Scarlet pressed her lips together tightly as if to keep from speaking. “You hunted Brutus down and killed him, didn’t you?” she finally asked softly.
He nodded slowly. “All of them. Each of the masters. It took me years to find them. We didn’t get out of there for a long time. We were in our twenties, still running missions for Sorbacov. I looked for them every time I was on the outside. Savage sometimes got one. Or Steele or Alena. Sometimes Reaper or Czar. I knew by the way they were killed which one of us it was. In the end, all of the masters were dead. Brutus went first and he was the one I took satisfaction in killing slow. The rest I just wanted dead. Savage never kills any of the pedophiles slow or easy and, honestly, I don’t mind that in the least.”
If he expected her to protest, she didn’t.
“I can’t sleep at night. I can’t get the smell out of my head. Or the sight. I have everyone’s demons running around in my head all the time and I have enough of my own demons to carry. I don’t have natural erections. None of us do. We have to order our cocks to cooperate if we want relief. Our lives aren’t normal. We’re never going to be like other people. We’re predators and we always will be no matter how hard we try to fit in. We watch each other’s backs at all times to keep one another safe. That includes when we have sex. We don’t think too much about it. It’s just normal for us.”
He shoved his hands through his hair again. “I’ve been a fucked-up mess all my life, Scarlet, far worse than anything you’ve ever imagined you’ve been. Anything you’ve ever thought you’ve done, you’re a saint in comparison. When I told you I walked into that library and fell like a ton of bricks, I wasn’t lying to you. Everything you are appealed to me. You took my breath away. More, you stilled every one of my demons. Little by little, when I was around you, you took that chaos in my mind and brought me peace. I sat at that table surrounded by books, and my cock was so hard just looking at you that half the time I was afraid I would shatter if I moved.”
He sat back in the chair and looked at her. Took her in. Devoured her. It was probably going to be the last time he really got a good look at her. He could hear the ocean crashing against the rocks outside the house in the distance. His heart and soul felt battered like those rocks.
“I knew if I asked you to share my life, what I’d be asking of you. You are such an innocent in comparison to all of us. Don’t get me wrong, you would be an asset to the club, you’re a badass and we could count on you and build on your training. But for me, you’re just a plain fucking miracle. Moya literaturnaya ledi, and you always will be. You’re perfect. The sun rises and sets with you.”
Absinthe watched her lips part. He reached casually across the table and very loosely circled her wrist with his fingers, forming a bracelet, his fingers over her pulse. She wasn’t letting him into her mind, giving him back their connection, so he wanted
to know every word she said was the absolute truth.
“Why do you believe you are so responsible for everything the others have become?”
“Weren’t you listening to me?” He dropped his voice low so he wouldn’t make the mistake of reacting negatively.
“I listened to every word. You were a child when you were taken to that place. It sounds as if most of the others were toddlers or barely above that age group as well. All of you were being abused in every way possible and just trying to stay alive. You used every means possible to keep each other alive. Those are survival instincts, right? That includes fighting back if we’re fighters as well as honing psychic gifts if we have them. Am I not correct, Absinthe?”
Her voice was sweet, like a fresh breeze blowing through his mind. He’d felt that before from her. Clearing out the demons, sending them scurrying before her as if just by that simple innocent tone, so logical and sweet, the demonic images ripping him apart were dispersed. His woman carried a gun and hunted dangerous men, just as Torpedo Ink did. They were from the fires of hell. Could she be sent from heaven? An angel? Was there even such a thing? He didn’t know. He’d never allowed his mind to go in that direction.
“Absinthe?” Her voice had gone gentler than ever. “Am I not correct in saying you were all just using survival instincts? We’re born with those, right? You’re an intelligent man. You must have read all the studies, the same as I did.”
He had. Of course he had. He rubbed the pads of his fingers over her pulse. That heartbeat that connected the two of them.
“Yes, literaturnaya ledi, I read them. You are correct. We ran on our instincts. But later …”
“As teens? Trying to survive impossible circumstances? You said worse and they sounded worse. Sorbacov brought in brutal men and women. You and your brother did what each of the others did. You banded together in order to find a way to survive, your instincts kicked in. You were older, so they were more sophisticated and more developed. None of you knew if you would live. You got by minute by minute, hour by hour. Isn’t that true?”
That was certainly the truth. Sometimes it felt as if it was seconds. He nodded.
“When you were beaten and raped and barely alive, the others rallied around to save you. You became a single unit to survive. You’re an intelligent man, Absinthe. Step outside your emotions and think about what those teenagers were doing together. They formed a pack. A tight pack. A unit where they each played a part in order for all of them to live. They needed one another. If one went down, they all were going down. They needed each other. If you didn’t know it at that point, the leaders certainly did. They needed your talent and your brother’s talent in order for each of them to survive what was being done to them. What they were forced to do. Do you really think Savage would have stomached what he was doing if you hadn’t helped him? He’s strong. A fighter. He would have forced them to kill him.”
“Maybe it would have been more merciful,” he said, stating aloud what he’d thought so many times. “He lives in hell. He fights his inclinations every day. Sometimes I can help him, but most of the time he doesn’t come to me.”
“He’s alive and that means he has hope.”
“For what? What chance does he have?”
“You found me.”
His heart jerked hard in his chest. He couldn’t seem to comprehend what she said. “Scarlet …” He didn’t know what he was going to say. Hadn’t she understood him? “All those girls? Demyan? I let them down when they needed me the most. They counted on me and they died. Savage was here in our home and you were terrified. You had your own flashback because of me. I was somewhere else, taking a trip down memory lane, and I couldn’t come back. That could happen anytime, anywhere, when you need me the most.”
“First of all, Demyan’s death was definitely not on you. Had you been connected to him, he still would have died and you know it. He disconnected, not you. You’re holding a grudge against Steele because you can’t face that loss. You already know this, I don’t have to tell it to you. You’re too intelligent not to know. At some point you had to have put your emotions aside and studied this horrid event from every angle. You know those men killed him. I assume you hunted them down as well.”
“Steele killed them. Every one of them. He returned broken, a mess, but he killed them all himself,” Absinthe admitted.
“That doesn’t surprise me in the least.”
“You’re right. I did look at Demyan’s death from every possible angle. I knew the highest probability was that my brother had been the one to disconnect and I had changed the way things had happened on my end in my mind because I couldn’t face my brother’s death. Someone was to blame. Steele or me. I wanted to condemn both of us, but you’re putting the blame squarely on the shoulders of the monsters attacking the two of them. Even while you’re doing it, my mind is screaming no, we were to blame. It was my responsibility. It was Steele’s.”
“You blame the two of you because you had already formed your pack, that tight unit, and all of you were taught to watch out for one another. Steele has to feel as guilty as you do. It’s ingrained in you to watch each other’s backs. In this case, neither of you were able to do so, it was an impossibility. You both have to let that go.”
On some level he knew Scarlet was right, he’d always known she was right, but he couldn’t accept it.
“Have a conversation with Steele, Absinthe. You both need to talk about this or you’re never going to put it to rest.” Scarlet kept the arm he held so loosely—but that was his lifeline—very still, but she raised the water bottle with her other hand. She took a deep breath. “You know what happened to those girls wasn’t your fault. You were as much a prisoner as they were. You tried to make their lives easier. That was all you were doing, Absinthe. You know I’m not lying to you and I wouldn’t. If for one minute I thought you were to blame, I’d tell you, but you weren’t.”
He shook his head and started to take his hand away. She turned hers up and caught his, her fingers threading through his. “Absinthe.”
There it was. That voice. The one that took away the worst demons a man like him could have. Sweeping them out of his mind.
“I’m with you because I love you. I want to be with you. You have to believe in me, but even more than that, you have to believe in yourself. I really can’t save you if you’re not willing to save yourself. It won’t be easy to change the way you think about all of this, but you’re smart. Use your mind, not your emotions. Think with your brain when these things creep into your head. Come to me and we’ll talk about it. And you have to find a way to forgive the others. They were doing exactly what they were taught to do. What they needed to do to survive. You’re part of their pack, their unit, and they can’t lose one member or they all go down.”
She was right. His woman was right. He’d hit the jackpot when he’d walked into that library. He brought her hand up to his mouth, kissing her knuckles.
“I’m so tired, Scarlet. My head is killing me. I need to lay it down tonight. I know I owe you so many more explanations and apologies. But I have to sleep. I just want to hold you.”
“Fireplace is off.”
“I want you warm.”
“I can be warm with you next to me and a ton of blankets. We’ll figure things out together, Absinthe, but I’m protecting you until we do.”
He framed her face with both hands. More and more he was finding love was an overwhelming emotion. “You really are the most intelligent woman on the planet.”
“I know. Just kiss me. I think that’s the only thing that’s going to get you out of the trouble you’re always going to be getting into.”
He kissed her.
SEVENTEEN
“They’re going to dry that chicken out,” Mechanic observed, frowning. “Why the hell do they have someone on the barbecue that doesn’t know what he’s doing?”
Alena bumped him with her hip. “Did you try the potato salad? I tried to rescue it for you, but
I was a little afraid that even I couldn’t make it better.”
“You can make rat poison palatable,” Transporter said, his eyes on the large group of bikers enjoying the sun setting over the river.
The members of the Venomous club wore their colors openly as they partied right in the middle of Diamondback territory on the banks of the river. It was either very foolhardy or they were deliberately taunting the larger club in a defiant gesture to come after them.
“If the Diamondbacks start a war with them, the Feds will blame the larger club,” Czar observed. “The Venomous club can plead innocence. They weren’t doing anything to provoke the Diamondbacks. They’re clearly willing to sacrifice a few of their members to achieve larger gains. Those higher up know what they’re doing, but the ones here don’t have a clue they’re in harm’s way. They think their brothers are looking out for them.”
“They joined the wrong fuckin’ club,” Reaper said.
Savage shrugged. “Goes to show, men like that find one another. There’s the one they call Jacko. He’s the manager of the day shift at the Gypsy Club. He’s in the bright red tee with his vest open. Has some woman doing him while he’s eating. Nice guy, just shoved her on her ass and laughed when she fell.” His voice dripped with ice.
Beside him, Destroyer was utterly still, but the temperature around him seemed to drop by several degrees.
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