Men sought his company and advice. Lords, once disdainful, approached him for discourse on issues of sovereignty. Women touched his arm or added an extra smile when he passed, all because he’d gained favor with the Queen. Darius played the part of the dutiful and powerful Chamberlain, offering smiles and encouragement to those who approached him.
Everything to hide the emptiness inside.
Darius’s heart ached and each gesture felt like a counterfeit affectation barely hidden. None of the words spoken or promises made held any truth. The courtiers merely observed the game, went through the motions, and postured for the best possible appearance.
It was all artificial.
Bollocks. His heart sat empty. The music, elegance, and beauty of the Court showed its age. Cracks appeared in the glorious façade and the magic of the Queen no longer thrilled him. The same games, the same meaningless posturing he’d experienced for the last century played in an endless reel. He didn’t want to remain among them anymore, but he had nowhere else to go.
All I have is my job, my honor, and my sword.
Sabrina’s mocking words echoed in his head and pain stabbed his heart so sharply, he paused to take a deep breath.
“Are you well, brother?”
Darius looked over his shoulder and met the gaze of his elder brother Tiberius. The current Lord Winterbourne stood just a few inches shorter than Darius, but his shoulders had greater breadth and his eyes shimmered emerald green. Silver showed at his temples though only a decade older, and a slight paunch had developed over his belt.
“Yes, quite well, Lord Winterbourne.” Darius grasped his brother’s forearm and gave another false smile. “Welcome. I trust your journey here was pleasant?”
“Quite.” Tiberius looked smug. “It has been a momentous time for our family. The Queen has bestowed great honor on us.”
On me, you pompous ass. And it all means shite. “Indeed.”
Two Fae ladies strolled by and inclined their heads to Darius. He nodded back and smiled, to which they twittered and fluttered their fans.
“I see your reputation hasn’t diminished with the honor heaped on our name.” Tiberius eyed the ladies with lascivious interest. “Perhaps some of that goodwill shall spread throughout the family.”
Tiberius’s allusions to trysts with females other than his wife sickened Darius. He’d often taken advantage of such infidelity, but his beliefs toward the practice had changed. He refused to cuckold a man just to scratch an itch best relieved by his hand.
“I’m sure you’ll find many a willing partner, brother.” Darius tried to disguise the sour edge to his voice, but Tiberius eyed him with surprise.
“What are you moping about, Darius? I’d have thought you’d received everything you wanted.” Tiberius gestured to the Court as they strolled, nodding graciously to the other courtiers of the Summer Queen. His brother reveled in his element, his elegant clothing matched only with his faux serene expression.
“Of course. And I’m not moping.” Darious’s disgust at what the Court found valuable festered within him, but he covered it with bland cordiality. “The family’s honor is intact, I still hold my position at Court, and Kainon remains in my keeping.” He shrugged under the sword’s weight. “I’m not moping.”
“Yes, you are. Ever since you returned, you’ve drifted through your duties and barely remembered to invite your family to Court.” Tiberius sniffed. “If the Queen hadn’t issued the invitation, I doubt we would have heard from you.” His brother eyed him narrowly. “What is eating you, brother?”
“It’s nothing.” Darius had no intention of revealing his aching heart to anyone, least of all his position-coveting elder brother.
“Does nothing have a name?”
“What?”
Tiberius snorted and raised an eyebrow. “I’ve never seen you this way. Hell, you’ve rarely visited us throughout your career with the Queen so I’ve barely seen you at all.” His expression morphed into a mild sulk. “Do we hold no value in your life since you’ve become the Chamberlain?”
Darius growled. “Don’t be absurd, Tiberius.” His brother had no idea all he’d lost in favor of his family’s good standing. Flashing lavender eyes and mahogany hair materialized in his mind, but he shoved the lovely image away. “I daresay you’ve never made me feel welcome after I assumed my duties to the Queen.”
“Certainly not my fault.” Tiberius drew himself up with an arrogant sniff. “The position is suited to someone who has had organizational experience, not someone who did no more than clerk for a lord.”
Darius barked a laugh. “Such as you, I suppose? With all your years minding the estates?”
“Exactly right.”
“As I recall, brother, when I became Chamberlain, you’d only just begun to learn how to run our ancestral home. And I seem to remember a few times when you had to mortgage a few lands to make ends meet.”
Tiberius flushed and his lips tightened. “It’s not my fault the foremen are lazy, thieving bastards.”
Aye, it’s never your fault, brother. Darius wanted to needle Tiberius until the older man felt the same frustrated helplessness consuming him. I gave so much up for you. At least you could be grateful. But he’d never told his family what he’d left, much less what he’d loved. And he’d never tell Tiberius. The ambitious man would use it against him to gain favor from the Queen.
Bloody hell, he can have it.
“Of course not, brother. It’s so hard to find those who will work for the pittance you pay them. I can’t imagine why anyone would attempt to get ahead in life.”
Darius had delivered his statements in an even voice, but his brother’s face turned white. When Tiberius had executed the family’s trusted steward for the alleged crime of embezzlement, scandal had broken through the Court. No one knew the truth, but Tiberius had mortgaged much and chose not to pay the servants during the time.
“Forgive me.” He gave Darius a stiff bow. “I see my lady beckoning me.”
Darius watched his elder brother stride over to Lady Winterbourne with his anger mantling his shoulders. He’ll have to learn to better disguise it or the Court will eat him alive.
Darius sighed and turned his attention to the Queen. She laughed at something and all the courtiers around her twittered with careful amusement. They jockeyed for position to be the Queen’s favorite, but the mercurial Fae woman rarely kept them long. He’d been in her favor the longest, and now it had lost its attraction. Empty gestures, empty smiles, intrigue around every corner. Once he’d seen it as a challenge, now it appeared a waste of effort.
“Pardon, Chamberlain, might I have a word?”
Darius sighed inwardly and turned, a carefully constructed smile forming on his lips until he saw the speaker. A grin stretched his tired muscles. “Phinnius, by the Goddess! I’m glad to see you. What brings you to Court?”
He embraced his youngest brother and his heart melted a little. He and Phinnius shared a closeness he’d never experienced with anyone beyond his mother. And Sabrina. But he ruthlessly squelched the thought.
“Other than the official invitation of the Queen? Nothing.” He chuckled and thumped Darius on the back. “It seemed like the perfect time to come see you, brother. I’ve heard much about your exploits.” Phinnius grimaced as they glanced over to Lord and Lady Winterbourne. “I see our older brother has taken full advantage of your accomplishments, and attributed them to the family. He always was a pompous ass. How do you put up with him?”
Darius laughed. “I don’t. I left him safely ensconced on the estates in the country. But one of the boons granted me when I returned included a visit to Court for the rest of the family.”
“I’m grateful.” Phinnius gripped Darius’s forearm with real affection. “I got to see you. Tell me, how goes the role of Chamberlain?”
“Well enough. I have position, power, the ear of the Queen, such as it is.” Phinnius’s sapphire blue eyes narrowed at his sarcasm. “Everything a man could
desire.”
They walked together through the crowd and some of the hopelessness unwound from Darius’s heart. His brother’s company brightened the dismal sentence of being at Court.
“So why are you so miserable?”
“Why do you say I’m miserable?”
“Darius.” The tone of reproach in Phinnius’s voice made him look over at his brother with surprise. “You couldn’t sound more bleak if you stood on the front lines at Waterloo.” Phinnius crossed his arms over his chest. “What’s wrong, brother? Surely your life is as you want it?”
“Of course, it’s perfect.”
“Then why do you look so forsaken?”
Because I’m tired of this game and I miss the woman who holds my heart. The woman who told him to go and never return. He thrust the thoughts away and shook his head.
“Perhaps I’ve become too cynical and jaded for Court.”
Phinnius sucked in a surprised breath. “You? The most adept at political intrigue and posturing? Jaded?” He laughed. “About time.”
“What?”
“Darius, I knew this life would only suit you for a while, and I’m glad it’s at an end. But I’m curious what has changed your view.” Phinnius slapped him on the shoulder. “It can’t be Tiberius’s need to be at Court. What has captured your heart, brother?”
Darius let the silence between them expand as he sauntered through the courtiers mobbing the room. If he could trust anyone with the secrets of his heart, Phinnius held the honor, but the rest of the crowd acted as the Queen’s ears. He tugged his brother over to an alcove off the main ballroom and scanned the space around them. The Court learning of his personal life, particularly his elder brother, remained on the list of things he’d like to avoid.
“You know I’ve returned from arranging the High Beltane rituals in the human realm.”
Phinnius nodded. “The news seethed all over the Court. Even the soldiers heard about it. What of it?”
“The Queen asked me to secure the talents of a witch to conduct the rituals, and for all my hard work, the she gave me the “gift” of being the May Lord.”
“Congratulations.” Phinnius grinned. “It must have been some night to leave you in such a state.”
“It wasn’t just the ceremony, Phinn. I stayed with Lady Foxglove and her family for a sennight. I learned about her, experienced a small measure of her life.” He’d experienced a whole world, greater than he’d ever imagined. And with its loss, the greatest sorrow. Darius’s heart still ached. “I miss her.”
“By the Goddess!” Phinnius laughed. “Have you actually gone and fallen in love, Darius?”
“Not so loud.” But he couldn’t find the anger to truly reprimand his brother. “She told me to go, Phinn, when she discovered the deal I’d struck with the Queen. She told me to go and never return.”
“What deal?”
Darius surveyed the room again as if lost in thought, searching for listeners. When he found none, he gave a bitter smile to his brother. “The Queen threatened to release me from my duties, ban our family at Court, strike our name from the records, and take Kainon from our keeping if I didn’t convince the witch to perform the rituals.”
“Did she need to be convinced?”
“Yes. She feared pregnancy.”
Phinnius frowned. “Strange. Children are blessings. Why wouldn’t she want one?”
“Because she already has two, and no partner or husband to help her raise them.”
“Mother had no one to help her and we turned out well enough.” Phinnius thumped Darius in the shoulder with his fist.
“Mother no more deserved the role than Sabrina does. Father was a prick.”
“Sabrina, is it now?” Phinnius winked.
“Hush.” Darius wanted to take his dagger and dig out his aching heart. Why did this hurt so badly? He’d only known her for a week. One glorious week. “Her world is not like ours. She is alone, and often ridiculed for her solitude.”
“Darius, do you think Sabrina is pregnant with your child?”
“I can only surmise the magic created a new life within her, what with the strength of it and the Queen’s presence for the rituals.” Goddess, he hated the idea of leaving Sabrina without his company. “And with the Goddess’s blessing at the end.”
“Sorry?” Phinnius looked startled.
“The Goddess appeared to us at the end of the rituals. To Sabrina and I.”
“Bloody hell. Which form did She take?”
“What?” Darius shook his head.
“Which form? The Goddess holds four forms, the Maiden, the Matron, the Warrior, and the Crone. Which did She take?”
Darius thought back to the star-eyed woman who had approached them at the bridge to Tír na nÓg. “The Matron, I’d guess. Too old to be a maid and too young to be a crone. Why?”
Phinnius sighed. “If She wore the Matron, She represented home, family, and children. I’d say you’ve gotten your witch with child.”
Darius’s heart sank and his gut churned. Sweet mercy, he’d become the basest pond scum alive. No better than his prick father.
“And I left her.”
Phinnius shook his head. “So why are you here?”
“I have my duties to the Queen.” Phinnius made a rude sound. “And Sabrina told me to go and never return. Her anger rose incandescent.”
The pain in his chest almost doubled him over. Disgust at leaving Sabrina with child ate at him, along with the sorrow of betraying her, and the loss of her companionship. He glanced over at the Queen, luminescent in her golden dress and glittering jewels, and found her gaudy and ridiculous. All the courtiers appeared the same, fawning over the Queen, jockeying for position, all of it meaningless. Even his elder brother Tiberius and Lady Winterbourne fluttered around Her Majesty, begging for scraps.
“Anger can be assuaged with honesty, Darius.” Phinnius gripped his shoulder. “Don’t wait, brother. Make her yours now.” He paused and gave him a piercing look. “Help her raise your child, be a better father than ours, and soothe your heart.”
Darius gaped at his younger brother. When had Phinn learned such wisdom? He spoke with the certainty of the Goddess.
“What about the Queen?”
“Take your leave of her. Resign. Return to your Lady Foxglove.” Phinnius winked. “The Court will take care of itself.”
Darius narrowed his eyes. “Do you covet my position as well?”
“Me?” Phinnius scoffed. “No, not at all.” He shuddered theatrically. “But I can see your misery as if you’re wearing a feather headdress. I suspect others can as well. You don’t want this life anymore, Darius. It’s quite obvious.”
“What about the family? If I resign, we’ll lose our position of honor at Court.”
“We could have lost it at any time, brother. The Queen didn’t need you working for her to secure it. She’d like you to think it’s all dependent on you, but she could have ripped it away without regard for any of us. You’re not held here because of our honor.” Phinnius shoved at Darius’s shoulder. “Go, take your leave, and return to your witch. She needs you more than we do.”
Could he walk away from the life he’d carved for himself? Darius scanned the room around him with all its counterfeit beauty and glitter. The magic no longer attracted him or held his heart. He found little joy in his duties and in time, it would bring dishonor to his family.
The Goddess always meant for me to leave the Court after Beltane. He had no idea where the certainty came from, but it resonated so strongly through him, he trembled.
Overwhelming relief and joy surged through Darius and he wrapped his brother in a bear hug in gratitude. “Come find me some time, when you can, Phinn. You’ll always be welcome, even if I’m alone.”
“If you’re alone?”
“Sabrina was terribly angry.”
Phinnius gripped his forearm in farewell. “Never give up, Darius. I daresay she’s worth it.”
His brother had the truth.
Darius descended the stairs to ask for his second boon and take his leave of the Queen.
Chapter Sixteen
Sabrina stared at the little strip of plastic and felt the inevitable crash over her. Pregnant. Again. She’d have another February baby. Bloody hell, I’m running out of dates for birthdays. The attempt at levity spurred her sorrow and tears spilled down her cheeks.
“Dammit!” Pregnancy hormones sucked. So did morning sickness, but she hadn’t experienced that little gift yet.
She wiped her eyes with her sleeve, tossed the plastic tab in the trash bin, and returned to the kitchen to clean up dinner dishes. The house seemed too quiet, too empty since she’d told Darius to go. He’d become a welcome fixture there.
You need to get over it. You knew he wouldn’t stay. He only proved you right.
It still rankled. She didn’t want to be right about him. She’d wanted him to be different, to mean all the things he’d said about loving her and wanting to be the father to her children. Especially the new baby.
The Goddess’s words came back to taunt her. You’ve been offered a great many gifts by those who love you. Have faith and take them to heart.
Oh, she’d taken them to heart. Especially the new life growing within her. She wanted the baby, Darius’s child. She wanted the memories she’d made with him and the embodiment of the love she’d felt for the man. Even if he broke her heart.
It didn’t help to hear about Merrilee Fuckstwice everywhere she went, either. The woman paraded around town with a massive superiority complex because of being selected to perform the High Beltane rituals in Durango. Sabrina couldn’t get away from the news at Mazie’s, and the few times she’d seen Merrilee in town had been torture. Not only did she take Tommy, but now she thinks she’s the Goddess’s emissary to Cloudburst. My great honor? To be pregnant and alone. Again.
Grief hit her with new waves until she had to retreat from the sink full of dishes before she rubbed her eyes full of soap. She sat down in the living room and tried to swallow her sobs, but they rattled in her chest until she started to hiccough.
The Beltane Witch (Cloudburst Colorado) Page 21