Sweet tb-2

by Erin McCarthy

  “No. We didn’t.” I mimicked the gesture so he’d see how stupid it looked. “But we’re doing something. Just not that. Yet. And FYI, I had to tell him that we have, and he was none too happy about it. He didn’t know and I wasn’t going to hide it from him.”

  Tyler winced. “Awkward.”

  “Big time,” I agreed.

  “So, you like him or whatever?” he asked, clearly curious. “He likes you?”

  “I guess. You’d have to ask him. But yes, I do.” I felt more than a little defensive. “Is that okay?”

  He shrugged. “Yeah, sure. Whatever makes you both happy. I just didn’t think that you two were going in that direction.”

  “Me either,” I answered truthfully.

  “Don’t break his heart, Jessica, that’s all I’m asking.”

  I glared at him. “Shouldn’t you be worried about my heart being broken? I’m the girl here.”

  “Yeah, but you’re not exactly sensitive. Riley doesn’t really get out much, you know. He’s not one to get involved with someone lightly.” Tyler scratched his tattoo, the one that read TRUE FAMILY, just like Riley’s. I wondered if he even realized he was doing it, a subconscious gesture as he worried that I might gut his brother emotionally.

  “I think you’re giving me more power than I have.” Truly. “And why does everyone think I’m so hard-core? I have feelings, too.” I did. Buried deep down underneath a layer of self-tanner.

  “You can handle yourself.”

  “Thanks.” Not. “Now are you going to move out of the way, or am I trapped in here all day?”

  “See? You’re not afraid to say what you think.”

  I was so not flattered. “I’m not afraid to punch either.”

  Tyler put his hands up in front of his face, boxer style, and bounced on his feet, grinning. “Give me what you got, Jess.”

  “Weirdo. Now I need coffee before I kill someone.”

  Jayden and Easton were in the kitchen, Jayden’s hand in the cookie jar. “Did you see this, Jessica?” he asked me. “Cookies!”

  At least he remembered me. His amazement made me smile. “I know, cool, huh? I told Riley that when it’s empty, you should very nicely ask Rory to make some more.”

  “Except Rory won’t be back until next month and there is no way these will last that long,” Jayden said earnestly.

  Tyler laughed. “Those won’t last until tomorrow. Slow down, U.”

  I still didn’t understand why sometimes Riley and Tyler called Jayden U, but I had given up trying to figure it out. “So you guys like the house? I’m glad. And I told Riley no smoking in the house anymore.” I directed this at Tyler. “The ashtrays are out on the picnic table.”

  “What, you paint the kitchen and suddenly you’re the boss?” he asked.

  “The social worker is coming tomorrow,” I told him, trying to sound casual. “Probably a good time to start keeping the secondhand smoke outside.”

  He made a face. “Shit. Okay. You’re right. It seemed pointless to smoke outside before because my mom always smoked in the house. It just became a habit.”

  “Well, with the carpet gone, the smell is almost gone, too, so this is a fresh start, as cliché as that is.”

  “How come Riley didn’t tell me?” Tyler asked in a low voice, coming up close to me to ask as I pulled out a coffee filter.

  We were both very much aware of Easton fingering the candy wrappers on the YUM art just a few feet away.

  “I don’t know. He probably didn’t want to ruin your vacay.”

  “Yeah, but I need to make it look like I don’t live here. You know, again, the whole convicted felon thing.” Tyler leaned on the fridge, his arms crossed, looking worried.

  I hadn’t even thought of that. “Okay. We’ll just move all your clothes and stuff to Riley’s room and they’ll assume it’s his. We’ll make your room look empty. But don’t you have to give an address for your parole officer and stuff like that?” Though truthfully, I had no clue what I was talking about. That was just an assumption I was making based off TV.

  “I gave them Nathan’s address. If they show up there, Nathan just says I’m at work and then texts me, though it’s only happened once.”

  “That sounds illegal.”

  “I’d rather violate my parole than have them deny custody to Riley.” He nodded his head in Easton’s direction. “He won’t do well in foster care.”

  No, I didn’t imagine he would. I didn’t imagine any kid would, but Easton was quiet, thin. He would be an easy target without his brothers there to protect him. “Alright, let me drink this coffee and then I’ll help you move your stuff.” I dumped grounds in without measuring them in any way.

  “Really?” Tyler sounded surprised.

  “Sure. Rory is stuck out at her dad’s working her summer job, and I’m here. I can help.”

  He was looking at me like I’d just parted the Nile.

  “What?” I growled.

  “Nothing.” He shook his head. “Nada.”

  “Then stop looking at me like that.” I poured some water haphazardly into the coffeemaker. Truthfully, I had been surprised the Manns had a coffeemaker. But apparently it had been handy for hiding drugs, so their mother had bought it at a garage sale, according to Riley. I hoped there weren’t any lingering drug bits in there, though I was too naive to really know what she had been hiding and/or doing. Sure, I’d popped a Vicodin here and there and had smoked a blunt or two, but it wasn’t like I really had any clue about having a real drug habit other than what I had seen on intervention shows.

  Ever since the funeral though, I had decided that getting an occasional itchy high from a pill or two wasn’t worth the risk of addiction. Who was to say when it might go too far, and I didn’t want to do that to myself or to my family. So not worth it.

  “By the way, the pictures in the hall?” Tyler smiled at me. “Nice touch, Jess. It means a lot.”

  “You’re welcome,” I said, feeling uncomfortable with his praise. I was used to compliments on my appearance, not on my actions.

  He studied me as I reached for a mug, looking like he wanted to say more.

  “Yes?” I snapped.

  Tyler laughed. “God, you’re as big of an asshole as Riley.”

  Now that I was more comfortable with. “Watch what you say or I’ll freeze your underwear when we’re cleaning out your room. One of the many skills I learned at Bible camp.”

  “How do you freeze underwear?” Jayden wanted to know.

  Tyler rolled his eyes. “Oh, great, Jess, thanks, way to give him an idea.”

  I grinned. “You dunk them in water and put them in the freezer, Jayden.”

  Jayden cackled at the thought. “Watch out, Tyler, or I’ll freeze your underwear, too.”

  “If anyone freezes my underwear I’ll beat the shit out of you.” Though Tyler looked more amused than pissed.

  Jayden’s response was to flip his brother off. I figured that was as good of a comeback as any, so I followed suit. Jayden and I met eyes and laughed.

  “I like you,” he told me, expression honest and guileless.

  I can’t even begin to say how much that wiggled inside my heart and pleased me. I’d never thought of myself as particularly sentimental, but Jayden’s open approval made me feel awesome. Normally I avoided hugs and casual contact at all costs, but I found myself reaching out and actually initiating a hug with Jayden, pulling him close. “I like you, too.”

  It was a toss-up who was the most surprised—me, Jayden, or Tyler.

  Easton wasn’t paying attention. He was resting his head on the table and tracing his finger over the cookie jar, speaking quietly to the Mystery Machine.

  And maybe for the first time in my whole life I felt protective.

  So I turned and poured myself a huge mug of coffee.

  * * *

  That night I sat in my sublet apartment and tried to concentrate on the TV. When I had seen the apartment, I had liked that two girls lived there
and were clean, their furniture pretty and shabby chic, the dishes in the kitchen matching. But now with my suitcases tucked away in the one free bedroom, it felt frilly and too perfect, and empty.

  Lonely.

  The girl, Maggie, who lived in the other bedroom, was already in bed. It was midnight, and I was still keyed up from work, and worried about the social worker’s visit the next day. But I knew I couldn’t text Riley because he would be asleep. So I had nothing to do but sit there wide awake and stress out.

  My phone buzzed with a text message. Riley.

  U awake?

  Yes. U ok?

  No. Can’t sleep.

  It’s going to b ok, promise.

  Wish u were here Pita.

  That made me inhale sharply, a giddy thrill. It was a new feeling. Usually if a guy said that, I laughed or rolled my eyes, knowing he was just talking about sex.

  But this had nothing to do with sex.

  Me too.

  Then I shocked myself by adding, Pick me up?

  Just three little words that hung out there, making me feel as stripped down and vulnerable as I ever had. How selfish and stupid and pathetic was that request?

  He had a social worker coming the next day. He didn’t need to be dealing with me. And why would he want to get out of bed, drive over to my place, and bring me back just to lay in bed together? I knew he wouldn’t want to have sex. It so wasn’t the right time for that, especially for our first time together.

  Panicked, I was going to add a “haha” to make it seem like I was joking. But he responded before I could.

  Be there in ten.

  Huh.

  K.

  So I stuffed a change of clothes in my purse, along with my toothpaste and deodorant, and went downstairs to the lobby to wait for him. He was actually there in nine minutes and I pushed open the door to the building and climbed in. “Hey,” I said, a little breathless from running down the stairs and from nerves.

  “Hey.” He leaned over and slid his hand to the back of my head before kissing me. “Thanks.” Resting his forehead on mine, he sighed.

  “For what?”

  “Coming back.”

  I liked the sound of that, like my leaving had been a big deal. “You might change your mind when you see me in the morning without makeup.”

  He gave a soft laugh and pulled away, putting the car in drive. “I doubt that. You’re beautiful, and I’m going to keep telling you that until you believe me.”

  “Okay,” I agreed. I was down with that. “Twice on Sundays would be great.”

  “Brat.”

  For some weird reason, I reached out and rested my hand on the back of his neck, stroking up into his hair. I had no idea why I was having such a touchy-feely day, but he seemed to like it. “What time is the social worker coming?”

  “Ten. I think I scared Easton. I was trying to prepare him, coach him, you know? I was giving him examples of questions she might ask him and how he should answer and he started crying. Then he denied it and locked himself in his room.”

  “Well, you had to tell him what was going on. And of course he’s scared. You’re all scared. But he’ll tell the truth and it will be fine.” I massaged his neck, feeling the tension in his muscles. “I mean, it’s sad to say, but since your mom passed, there hasn’t been any drama in the house. What could he say that would damage your case?”

  “I don’t know. What if he drops an F bomb or something?”

  “I doubt that will be the first time a social worker hears a kid swearing.”

  He sighed. “I guess I can speculate all fucking night. Nothing can be done about it. This paper pusher has me by the balls. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” Riley reached for a cigarette from the half-empty pack by the gearshift.

  I didn’t even consider complaining about the smoke. Let him have that. It was better than the whiskey escape of the other night.

  “What do you want to talk about then? I can recite a poem for you if you’d like.”

  “You do not know any poems by heart.”

  He had a point. “You’re right. I don’t. But I do know Bible verses.”

  “Oh, God.”

  “Exactly.”

  Riley laughed. “I guess that makes you a good preacher’s daughter.”

  “Good is a loose, all-encompassing term.”

  “Do you believe in God?” he asked, sounding genuinely curious, taking a drag on his just lit cigarette.

  “Yes. I just don’t believe in using religion as an excuse to hate or exclude others, or as a self-righteous shield.” I had thought a lot about the hypocrisy of religions, or rather of the people who professed to practice it. It didn’t sit well with me that you could claim yourself a devout Christian, then plot revenge on your neighbor for their dog destroying your flower garden. And that was on the small end of the scale.

  “I don’t know what I believe.” The smoke rose in front of his features, his eyes troubled, jaw set.

  “You believe in your brothers.”

  “Yeah. I do.” Riley pulled into his driveway and turned off the car. He looked at me. “I know that my life as it is right now is how it will always be. I’m cool with that. But I want better for them.”

  I nodded. “I know.” I did. I could see his sincerity. Knew that he lived his life to take care of everyone else but himself. Until Tyler had gotten arrested, most of Riley’s income had gone to pay Tyler’s tuition. It had been their plan to secure Tyler a decent paying job. But then their mother had dicked them over by planting her drugs on Tyler to avoid her own arrest.

  It was clear Riley wasn’t really sure how to adjust to the new reality, how to create a new plan. I didn’t know what my plan was either. We totally had that in common, though his stakes were way higher. Mine were just my own future, not the responsibility of other human beings.

  “Sometimes I picture the future my parents want for me, and I feel like I’m drowning,” I told him. “But I guess I deal with it by telling myself to just live now.”

  “What future do your parents want for you?”

  “Arm candy for a junior minister. Social coordinator for the church. Donation solicitor.”

  His eyebrows shot up. “For real?”

  I nodded. “I’m double majoring in Religious Studies and Interior Design. Their call, not mine. I get to chose my husband, but only from a church member.”

  “Holy shit.” He looked astonished. “Then what are you doing here with me?”

  “Living in the now.” I wanted him to understand, to hear what no one had ever heard. “I won’t be able to do it, you know. I’ll fail. At some point, I will be kicked out by my family. It’s just a matter of when, of when they figure out that I can never be good enough. Pure enough.”

  “They’ll really cut you off?”

  “Without a doubt.” It was something I had never said out loud before, but it was the truth, I knew it.

  His hand stroked my knee. “I guess we’re both fucked, huh?”

  “Looks that way.”

  “Then I guess it’s a damn good thing we found each other.”

  It was.

  Chapter Twelve

  By the time Riley finally called me at eleven thirty the next day, I was clammy from anxiety. My temporary roommate, Maggie, had been trying to chat with me after Tyler had dropped me off that morning, but I had been so lame and boring, she’d given up.

  “Hello?” I said, already pacing back and forth in the small kitchen.

  “It went good. The social worker said everything looks fine. That it was a clean and ‘pleasant environment’ for four guys our age.”

  “Yes!” I gave a fist pump, letting out a sigh of relief.

  He laughed. “She had Easton go through the pictures in the hallway and tell her about them. When he got to the one of you and me, he said, ‘That’s Jessica. She says no one is allowed to smoke in the house.’ The social worker said that was a good rule.”

  “My work is done here,” I told Rile
y, highly satisfied. “Though I didn’t even realize Easton heard me.” Or remembered my name.

  “He hears everything. It’s his superpower.”

  “What’s your superpower?”

  “You haven’t seen it yet.”

  Oh, my. The night before we had just spooned again. No making out, no nothing. It was like Riley had been too worried to be turned on. I had tried not to find it weird, but the truth was, I found it weird. Most guys I knew used sex as an excuse to avoid anything and everything. Or it was the one thing that could distract them from something they didn’t want to deal with. Riley was different.

  “Oh, yeah? That sounds ominous.”

  “Nah. Superpowers are always a positive thing.” There was a pause where I could tell he was lighting a cigarette because there was a muffled rustling as his shoulder connected with the phone.

  I wondered when his birthday was, because I wanted to buy him a nicotine patch.

  “The cookie jar was a nice touch, by the way. Jayden reached in and got one out and he actually remembered to offer one to her. I don’t know how he pulled manners out of his ass at the right second, but it was golden.”

  “That’s awesome. I’m really happy it went so well.” Happy and relieved.

  “Thanks, babe. I owe you one.”

  Hopefully it would be in the form of a giant orgasm. “What are you doing now?” Maybe we could celebrate.

  “I’m heading to work. I’ll at least get a half day’s pay.”

  Ick. So much for thoughts of celebration. “Hey, I forgot to ask, how was the zoo yesterday? Did you actually make it?”

  “Yes. And it was ninety degrees there. It was like doing laps in ball soup. We saw a gorilla eat his own shit and two lemurs fucking.”

  “Hm. Sounds delightful.”

  “But for whatever reason Jayden and Easton loved it. They must be seeing something I’m not.”

  “I never liked the zoo either. It’s a lot of walking to look at dirty and bored animals.”

  “See? That’s exactly what I’m talking about. How come you and I are the only ones who get it?”

  “We’re an island unto ourselves.” I paced again, suddenly overcome by the urge to call off work and be at the house when Riley got home.