She takes the list and unfolds it without looking any more worried than she was when she approached me.
She gasps when she reads it.
“What the hell? It's very similar to my handwriting but it isn't mine. This is horrible, Sam. Who could've—”
I shake my head, my jaw clenched tightly because if Ayla didn't write it, I’ve no doubt about who did.
“Michelle?”
We say it together.
Ayla cups my jaw with her soft hand and looks into my eyes, serious and a little sad.
“I’d never write anything like this. But if you need proof that I didn't, you can ask Tuna: about an hour ago was the first time I ever saw his ... I’d never seen him naked before today, Sam.”
I nod.
“Yes, he told me when I showed him. I know I treated you like shit, sugar. And I’ve no other justification but that I was used to being betrayed. I should've known this wasn't you but it looked exactly like the margin notes in your book and I ... Michelle knows my insecurities so damn well!”
She's still touching my face, still staring at me.
“Your ex is not only an evil bitch, she's also an idiot. She's absolutely wrong. You look perfect naked or dressed and in any state in between. I might've not seen as many—”
She blushes and I grin.
“Penises? Cocks? Dicks? Men sticks?”
She laughs and I can't believe how much I missed that sound.
“Yeah. I might've not seen as many as her but I loved what I saw. She's right that you're huge but you're so sexy! And that night, after you took me to San Diego, I wouldn't have stopped you if you’d tried to have sex with me.”
“But you did last week, when I tried.”
She's suddenly very serious again.
“I stopped you because you weren't acting like your normal self, Sam. I could feel that you were upset and—”
I hold her tight against me.
“I’m sorry. You're right. I’d got it in my head that if you’d let me fuck you, I’d have known for sure that you hadn't written that list.”
I can't believe that she's not mad and she doesn't hate me after I believed that she wrote that list.
“Next time, instead of being miserable, just ask me. If you'd shown me before, I'd have told you that the list wasn't mine. Call me out on my shit like I call you out on yours, Sam. And if your trust is harder to earn because of how you’ve been treated, I’ll work harder for it because you're worth it.”
“So you don’t hate me?”
I ask and she flashes me one of her mischievous smiles.
“I could never hate you. But that doesn't mean that I’m not mad at you for believing that I wrote that disgusting list.”
“I’ll make it up to you, sugar. Even if it takes me a whole year.”
She becomes suddenly serious and places a hand on my chest: I feel it burning my skin through my t-shirt.
I’ve missed Ayla's touch and I wanna kiss her and tell her how I feel about her but today's not the right day.
I know why she's suddenly quiet: the guys told her about Polly and probably this was why she came to seek me out.
I’ve refused to talk about Polly with my therapist and I just stopped going because I spent the sessions just staring in front of me.
I’ve refused to talk about her with the guys: their pain is raw and always bubbling under the surface, ready to emerge when the slightest thing triggers a memory.
Polly was Tuna’s twin sister and Alex's first love but for me?
She was my best friend, aside from the guys who are more like brothers.
Whenever I saw something funny, she'd be the first I told.
If I had a problem, I’d speak to her before the guys because she understood, she was compassionate and kind.
She was like a sister to me but she wasn't my sister by blood and I don't know...
I’d started to think that she could become more than a friend when she told me that she was in love with someone but she was scared of ruining a friendship that was extremely important to all of us.
At first, I thought that she was trying to confess her love for me.
So when she said it was Alex...
Of course I was happy for them and I could see how happy they made each other but...
"Their relationship made me feel excluded. Tuna was her brother, Alex her boyfriend, and I—”
I didn't even realise that I’d started talking out loud and I told Ayla everything.
“I wished things would change, Ayla. I wished she found other friends or she'd just go away.”
I feel my tears hot and heavy, they burn my skin as they fall on the fabric of my t-shirt.
“It's my fault, Ayla. I wished her away and—”
She begins kissing my tears away, her voice low and soothing:
“Oh, honey, no. It's not your fault. You were worried about how your friendship was changing and it's natural to be scared of change. You wished that she'd go away because you felt that your world wasn't the same anymore and sometimes transitions are the hardest part of a change. Things aren't like they used to be anymore but they aren't like they will be just yet. And the uncertainty is stressful. You didn't want Polly to die, right? And even if you’d thought that, Sam, anger and fear make us think extreme thoughts.”
I look at the warmth in her eyes and I know that I don't deserve her: I doubted her, I tried to take her virginity just to soothe my bruised ego ... I’m a monster.
“But I wanted her gone and the universe heard me.”
“No. Trust me, it doesn't work like that. If it did, then think about it ... how many things would be different? You didn't make that happen to her, Sam. And being upset with the people you love sometimes is inevitable. I didn't know Polly but I’m sure that she'd tell you the same thing if she were here today. Please don't blame yourself for something you didn't have any control over. Any of you could've stopped her from taking the drugs, the booze or from jumping. She could've changed her mind. What happened is tragic but it can't be changed.”
She's right.
I hold her in my arms and I know what I’ve got to do.
I need to tell Alex and Tuna about how I feel and hope that they'll forgive me not only for my feelings but also for how I kept them bottled up inside all this time.
But for now, I hold my Ayla against me: we all loved Polly and she somehow divided us.
While this girl who just walked into our lives not that long ago has strengthened our brotherhood and our bond.
I kiss her softly, savouring the feeling of her lips against mine.
And for the first time in forever, I just feel love without any guilt and without any hesitation.
I’ll tell her those three little words but not tonight, I'll wait until we’re alone, without any ghosts between us.
EM
ALEX: I’m dropping Ayla off at her house. Be ready in ten, I’m picking you up.
My phone beeps with a text from Alex at midnight: I don't know why he wants to see me but of course I’m ready as soon as he pulls over in my driveway.
He looks very serious and he doesn't say much during the short drive to his house: I really hope that this isn't about that video of Ayla giving him head because I honestly have nothing to do with it.
Of course it was Michelle's doing but I’ve no idea who helped her.
When we enter the pool house, I’m not surprised to find Sam and Tuna waiting for us.
Again, the guys are all extremely serious tonight but something must be up because this is the day when they all disappear from the rest of the world.
And if I didn't know better, I’d think that Tuna has been crying.
But maybe his red eyes are due to drugs?
Maybe the rumours about the drug fuelled orgy with escorts is true and this is what we're about to do now?
We walk to the backyard where there's a fire pit lit up and four chairs around it.
The guys sit and I’m invited to do
the same.
“Ok, shall we start? EM, this is an A-Team meeting. We have them at least monthly. Since you want to be admitted in our midst, we thought that you should start participating. Being part of the A-Team makes you a brother and it means that you get our complete loyalty and you pledge your complete loyalty to each of us until your last dying breath. Is this clear?”
I nod, trying to conceal the huge grin that wants to spread on my lips: this is huge! If they invited me here tonight, it means that I have a chance to be an A-Team member.
I’ve wanted to be one of them since freshman year and now, I’d do anything they ask of me.
“I thought my acceptance was subject to winning the bet about Ayla?”
Alex nods in response to my question:
“It was. But the guys and I had a talk and we decided that it wasn't fair to expect that from you, since we were at an advantage with Ayla. We’ll continue on with our bet and you'll keep score for us, if it's ok? But we have another task for you as your Initiation challenge.”
I nod but I still feel unsure about Alex's motives.
“What made you change your mind?”
Alex shrugs and the amused glint in his eyes makes me feel belittled as much as his words:
“We know that you aren't as experienced as we are with women. We thought that two virgins together was a recipe for disaster.”
“I’m not a fucking virgin!”
I say, livid that he’d assume that.
His smile widens, and the derision in his tone makes me wanna punch him in the face.
“Oh, did you and Jenna do it freshman year? Because I don't recall seeing you with any other girl ...”
Hearing him say Jenna's name with that mocking tone makes me even more mad: I know that he and the guys laughed mercilessly too when Michelle pulled that Ugly Prom Court stunt.
So I look straight in Sam’s eyes when I say:
“No, it wasn't Jenna. I fucked Michelle, actually.”
I know it's a risk because of the whole loyalty thing but Alex is the real ringleader here, so as long as I didn't fuck his ex, I don't think he’ll care.
Sam smirks, surprisingly.
“Wow, dude! Were you her rebound? Or possibly one of her many rebounds? I’ve got to admit that Michelle knows her way around a cock.”
He high fives me and I’m surprised that he isn't mad that I slept with his ex.
Tuna smirks too.
“So I guess that your study sessions with her, are just as exciting as mine with Ayla?”
“You must be spending a lot of time together, that's for sure, since her grades in Ms. Webber’s class have really improved.”
Shit!
Alex's look is like that of a predator.
Does he know something?
I can't tell him that I helped Michelle to hack into their phones, he’ll kick me out of the A-Team before I’m even in.
But, if not the whole truth, I can try to save my own ass by throwing that stupid bitch under the bus.
So I admit to helping Michelle by changing her admission test results to get her into the A-Class and to helping her steal the tests from Ms. Webber's locker.
“So she slept with you to make you help her, right?”
I flinch: are they saying that Michelle wouldn't have slept with me otherwise?
Sam must read my facial expression because he explains:
“Look, dude, we aren’t trying to insult you or anything. This is how Michelle is. She only sleeps with you if you're popular and hot. It's not about feelings, it's about what you can do for her. Now, no offence but until you ... had this growth spurt, she would've never looked at you twice. Why did you think that she dated me? I didn't see it at the time but now I know it wasn't because she loved me: she wanted to date a popular football player and it wouldn't have mattered which one of us three.”
Alex agrees:
“Yeah and now that you're in the football team, you’ve got the right looks and you could be part of the A-Team? She’ll be all over you even more.”
I nod.
“I think you're right. But if you guys don't approve of it ... it's not like she cares about me anyway. She doesn't even treat me nicely.”
“Then why the fuck did you sleep with her?”
Alex looks perplexed.
“Honestly? Until I lost weight and got taller, I was invisible to girls. Even Jenna wouldn't look at me anymore. Aside from the bad memories that being with me could've brought up. And Michelle is hot.”
Tuna speaks for the first time:
“Yeah, she’s hot. If you can call Satan hot, that is.”
“Regardless EM, Michelle's been a pain in our asses since school began. She has it out for Ayla and we fear that she’ll only get worse. We’re pretty sure that she's behind that video being played at school. And look at this.”
Sam hands me a piece of paper with a pro and cons list that seems to have been written by Ayla and it's pretty insulting to the guys. Especially Sam and Tuna.
Alex explains that they've shown the list to Ayla and she told them that she'd never seen it before.
“And do you believe her?”
I ask even though I know full well that Michelle wrote it.
They all nod.
“Ayla isn’t a liar.”
If I didn't know any better and I hadn't seen what kind of girls those three hang out with, I’d think that they care about Ayla and they aren't only after winning the bet.
“Ok, so ... you said I’m off the hook for sleeping with Ayla. What's the challenge to become an A-Team member?”
Alex smiles and it doesn't reach his blue eyes.
“You’ll keep Michelle away from Ayla. You won’t tell her that we know what she's up to when we uncover how she cheated her way into the A-Class and in Ms. Webber's class. If you do your job like we asked, you’ll be initiated into the A-Team at the end of the semester and we’ll make sure that you won't go down with Michelle for helping her with the entrance exam. Look, we understand how persuasive she can be but aside from how she treats Ayla, I can't condone cheating at academics. We all study hard, it's not fair.”
Sam drives me back home and at first we don't talk but I want to clear the air about Michelle.
“Hey bro, about your ex...”
He pulls over and turns to look at me.
“I couldn't care less that you're fucking her, EM. But there are a few things I need you to know: this whole A-Team business? Regardless of what you do with Michelle, the only way to be one of us is to show us that you're loyal one hundred per cent and you put our brotherhood above all else. So, I want you to have a good understanding of the situation here: the bet was the stupidest idea ever. This is what happens when you hurt Alex, he lashes out. The thing is ... it started like a game but now the stakes are higher than ever. We all fell for Ayla, dude.”
These guys are really complicated, I don't understand and I tell him that.
“But if you love her, then why—”
“The bet at this point is all a ruse. Michelle knows about it and she's been blackmailing Tuna that she’ll tell if he doesn't do what she wants. So she needs to believe that we're still playing. Until we get rid of her and then it won't matter anymore, And EM, I’m telling you all this because if Michelle catches wind that we aren't playing anymore, she will tell. And if that happens, it can only be because you told her about this conversation. And we don't know how she found out in first place but we guess whoever helped her hack into our phones. Got it?
I nod.
He doesn't say clearly that he thinks I told her but I know he does: so regardless of getting into the A-Team, I guess I’ve been given a chance for redemption.
“So, don’t disappoint us, EM. And be careful with Michelle, regardless of this situation ... that girl is so evil. She’d take anyone’s innocence and taint everything she sets her eyes on. Please don't fall for her.”
Sam is being honest with me and this is probably what they mean with being
brothers, so I come clean and tell him something I’ve never really admitted out loud.
“I couldn't fall for Michelle. I’m in love with another girl. This is why I didn't feel this thing with Ayla in the first place.”
Sam cocks his head in a silent question.
“Jenna.”
I whisper.
“Does she know how you feel?”
“It's complicated. After that Ugly Prom Court thins, she was too embarrassed even just being seen talking to me. And now she's with Josh.”
“You need to tell her how you feel, dude. I know it’ll hurt if she doesn't like you back but life's too short not to go after true love.”
He tells me why the A-Team disappears once a year and how he was in love with Polly but never spoke up.
“This is why I went after Ayla even if Alex liked her: I couldn't let this happen again and now ... I don't care if she loves the three of us. Alex and Tuna are even more than brothers to me, so loving the same girl somehow feels right. And Jenna is Ayla's bestie. So she’d fit in perfectly in our little family if you don't mess things up.”
He’s right: I never wanted Ayla but if I were dating Jenna...
“But she might be too scared of what Michelle could say, even if she were interested.”
“Michelle will be taken care of soon enough. For now, just make sure that she doesn't suspect a thing.”
We share a brotherly handshake: I might have everything I’ve always wanted after all.
The A-Team and my girl.
18.
Thankful
TUNA: FORTY POINTS
Alex: twenty five points (but really forty five)
Sam: twenty five points (but really forty six)
EM: zero points
Ayla
MOM’S WORKING FOR THANKSGIVING, so Ben and I get invited to spend the day at Sam’s house.
Alex and Tuna are gonna be there too since their families aren't around for the holiday.
I’m pretty nervous about it, so I spend a lot of time trying to decide what to wear: I’m basically meeting my boyfriend’s family and I really hope this goes better than with Alex’s Dad.
I opt for a little black dress, something demure and classy and I pin my long hair on both sides with some bejewelled bobby pins.
Beverly Hills Prep Academy The Complete Boxset : A Light Bully Romance Page 22