by Roxie Noir
Stone holds the base of the condom, pulls out, and sits up against the headboard as he pulls it off and ties a knot. I sit next to him.
He tosses the condom onto the floor of his bedroom, then puts his arms around me. Somehow, the condom on the floor doesn’t ruin the moment, and I lean against his chest, just basking in the afterglow.
“Luna,” he says, after we’ve both been quiet a long time.
“Hm?”
He’s playing with my hair with one hand, absent-mindedly pushing his fingers through the curls, and he takes a deep breath.
“I don’t know what I’m doing,” he says.
“No one does,” I say.
“I don’t mean like that,” he says slowly. “I mean I’m twenty-nine and the job at Eddie’s is the first one I’ve ever had. The longest relationship I’ve had was a couple weeks. The deepest friendship I ever had was with the guy I ratted out to the FBI.”
I reach across him and take his other hand in mine.
“Stone,” I say, even though I’m not sure what I’m going to say next.
“I’m afraid I’m going to hurt you, Luna,” he says, his voice quiet in the dark. “I’m afraid I don’t know how to give you the things you deserve, or how to be your boyfriend, or how to be the kind of person you want.”
“But you are,” I whisper.
He presses his lips to my head, and I look over at him. His face is still pretty badly bruised. He’s got an eye patch on one eye and a cut under the other that I’m pretty sure will scar, not to mention a constellation of bruises over the rest of his body.
Stone rests his forehead against my head and sighs.
“I think this might sound really cheesy,” he says.
I squeeze his hand.
“I promise not to tell anyone,” I say.
“I thought I was a lost cause until I met you,” he says, the words coming out in a rush. “I thought I was always just going to get through life, and it was always going to be hard and I was going to be alone, but I thought that was what I deserved, and it was okay. And then you came along, and I tried to tell myself I just wanted sex and I’d be fine once I got what I wanted, but I missed you, Luna.”
He swallows. I don’t say anything, because I don’t think he’s done.
“I want to be better for you,” he whispers. “I don’t think I’m good for you and I don’t think I’m who you deserve, but I want to be. I don’t have a map for how to live a good life and I’m afraid I’ll fuck it up, but Luna, I swear to God I’m going to try.”
“Stone,” I say, looking up at him. “You’re not a bad person. You did bad shit, but that’s fixable.”
I raise his hand to my lips and kiss it.
“I’m not here because I think you’re perfect,” I say. “I’m here because I like you.”
He nuzzles my hair.
“Now how about you let me decide what I deserve?” I say.
He laughs quietly into my hair.
“Fine,” he says.
42
Stone
My stomach growls, and my ribs hurt a little, but I don’t want to get up. Luna’s snuggled against me, her warm skin against mine, and everything feels perfect and effortless right now, like there’s nothing better in the world.
We don’t say anything else, just lean against the headboard, half-dozing.
A phone buzzes, over by the door.
“Noooo,” Luna says.
It keeps buzzing.
“It might be work,” I say, even though I don’t want her to get up.
Luna sighs.
“Work can leave a message,” she says.
“Don’t you have an incredibly important job solving crimes, like you keep reminding me?” I tease.
“Fine,” she mutters.
She gets off the bed, walks over, and answers. I push myself up and walk to the bathroom, grabbing the condom off the floor as I go and tossing it into the trash.
When I come back into the bedroom, the lights are on and Luna’s wearing underwear again.
“They got Hammer talking,” she says.
“Yeah?” I ask. I’m not sure what that means for me.
Luna doesn’t know — no one knows — but I’m not going back into witness protection. I’m not running anymore. I’m not leaving this life that I’ve finally started getting used to, and most of all, I’m not leaving her.
“Talking, and talking, and talking, apparently,” she says, then looks at me, one eyebrow raised. “He was higher up than you thought, Stone. Way higher.”
My heart skips a beat, and I start putting on my pants as well. Luna walks over, half-naked, and puts a hand on my shoulder. Then she kisses it softly, and leans her face against me for a moment.
“Is everything okay?” I ask, stroking her curly hair.
“Yeah,” she says, and kisses my shoulder again. “Let’s go make dinner.”
I put a shirt on and follow her to my kitchen.
Days go by, then weeks. I get to take the eye patch off, and I go back to work. The doctors say I’ll need glasses earlier than I would have otherwise, and they say I might have more headaches than I used to, but otherwise I’m fine.
No, I’m better than fine.
Luna sleeps over most nights. It turns out that Hammer didn’t like putting girls in shipping crates either, and he ends up spilling nearly everything. The FBI arrests dozens of people.
Suddenly, there’s almost no one left to come for me, and anyone who’s left is much more worried about themselves than about punishing me. The Tortuga PD stops stationing an officer outside my door every night, and I start spending more nights at Luna’s.
I was afraid it was going to be hard. I was afraid I was going to want to fall back into my old ways, into clamming up around her. I was afraid that I’d feel trapped, get bored, start looking at other women, but I don’t.
It isn’t all easy. Talking about feelings is hard. Communicating when we argue instead of just getting angry is hard. She has quirks that can be annoying and weird pet peeves I don’t understand.
But I don’t get bored. I don’t want someone else. Even when she does all the dishes except the silverware for some reason I cannot understand, I still want to be with her more than anything.
A month after I get kidnapped, I’m parking my crappy car in the same lot outside the Tortuga police station I got taken from. I hardly recognize it from that night. It’s sunny, since it’s three in the afternoon on a Friday, and the lot is full.
I get out of the car, shut the door and check my blazer in the reflection from the window. It’s the first one I’ve ever owned, and it’s kind of uncomfortable, but I wanted to look nice for this. I even asked Luna if I should wear a suit to her ceremony, but she just laughed at me and told me that half the audience would be wearing their nice flip-flops.
When I open the front door of the Tortuga Police Station, there’s a big sign to one side of the reception desk that says COMMENDATION CEREMONY, with an arrow pointing down a hallway. I’m about to follow it when I recognize the guy behind the receptionist desk.
We both stop.
Don’t, I tell myself. There’s no reason at all to talk to Chad, especially since he’s obviously being punished with receptionist duty.
But I remember him calling Luna a dumb slut, and my blood boils. I walk over and lean against the counter.
He glares.
“Do you know where the commendation ceremony is being held?” I ask, giving him my best technically-friendly smile. “My girlfriend is getting a commendation because she’s a great detective who solved a rhard case.”
A few officers in uniform walk through. People drift in and out.
Chad looks like he wants to murder me.
“Detective Luna Rivers?” I say. “You might know her. She just got promoted a few months ago, but she’s doing really well.”
“Down the hall to the left,” he says, the veins standing out in his forehead.
“Thanks,” I say.
“Have a good time with that tramp,” Chad says.
Fury bolts through me, and I nearly reach out and grab him by the shirt.
Be better than that, I tell myself.
I lean over the counter again.
“You’re a fucking weakling who couldn’t be happy for someone else’s success,” I say, keeping my voice low and quiet. “And you want to knock Luna down to your level, but she’s got you beat in every single way I can think of, and you’re a jealous child who can’t deal with that.”
I’ve been going to therapy, by the way. It was Luna’s idea. I think it’s helping.
Chad snorts and opens his mouth, but I cut him off.
“She’s too good to stoop to where you are, but if you want to keep calling her names, you come call her names to me,” I say. “I’m not afraid to stoop pretty fucking low.”
The door swings open again, and people walk in. Chad doesn’t say anything in front of them, and I nod at him once.
“Keep that in mind,” I say, and walk down the hallway to the auditorium.
During the commendation ceremony, I sit next to Luna’s mom, who squeezes her dad’s hand proudly throughout the whole thing. Her brothers are there, too, along with a few of her friends who I’ve never met before.
They’re all nice, even though I’m pretty sure they all know my whole story. As we wait for Luna after the ceremony, we drink lemonade and eat cookies and I make polite conversation with people who have never really broken the law.
Her brother Raine still seems a little suspicious, but he’s the one she went to after she saw the prison tattoo. I don’t think I made a very good impression just then.
At last, a door opens and Luna walks out, along with Batali and the other two detectives. Her mom shouts her name and envelops Luna in a giant hug.
“We’re so proud of you!” she says. “Sweetie, you did great.”
“I just stood there,” Luna says, blushing, her mom still holding tight.
“You did a great job solving the case and being a detective,” her mom says.
“Thanks, Mom,” Luna says.
I stand back a little and let her family hug her and tell her how great she is. I want to shout my girlfriend is awesome and good at her job and I’m super proud of her to the world, but I’m not exactly sure what my place here is. I don’t want to step on any toes.
Finally Raine gives her a noogie, she makes a face, and then sees me still standing there.
“Hey,” she says.
I pull her in and wrap my arms around her, and she makes a slight oof noise.
“You did great,” I tell her, not sure what else to say.
“Thanks for coming,” she says, her face smooshed against my chest.
I smile into her hair.
“Of course I came,” I said. “I wouldn’t miss this for the world.”
We pull apart because we’re in front of her family and coworkers, but she keeps my hand in hers for the rest of the reception. She introduces me to everyone there as her boyfriend, and even though I can see them thinking isn’t he that guy who was in witness protection? they’re all warm and friendly.
After the reception, we go to dinner at her parents’ house. I help set the table and do the dishes, and after dinner we eat dessert and drink wine and laugh, sitting around the fire pit outdoors.
The whole time I’m nervous. I still don’t think of myself as the guy who meets parents and drinks wine and gets along with families, but here I am. I’m doing those things.
Slowly but surely, I realize: it’s working. I am that guy. Luna’s here, holding my hand all night, and for her, I’m that guy.
I drive Luna back to my house. She had a glass of champagne and a couple glasses of wine, so by the time we’re in my driveway, she’s got one hand on my leg.
The moment I park she pulls me over to her and kisses me, her tongue in my mouth as her hand sneaks under my shirt.
“I nearly made you sneak off and fuck me in my parents’ bathroom,” she murmurs, her hand winding through my hair.
I was already at half-mast, but I’m instantly rock hard.
“Be nice,” I tell her as she nuzzles her face against mine. “I’m trying to make a good impression on Karen and Gary.”
“They like you,” she says into my ear. “I like you, so they like you.”
She bites my earlobe, and I inhale sharply. I only had one glass of wine, so I’m not even buzzed, but it’s nearly impossible to have Luna all over me and not give in right away.
“Only until they catch me with my face between your thighs on their bathroom sink,” I say.
She laughs quietly in my ear.
“Go on,” she says.
I take a deep breath.
“Wait,” I say, exerting all my self-control. “I have a surprise.”
She looks at me, eyebrows raised.
“What kind?” she says, her voice cooling a little.
“A good surprise,” I say, undoing my seatbelt.
Luna suddenly looks skeptical, but I get out of the car and then pull her out and we walk up the front steps together. I unlock the door, then put one hand over her eyes.
“This had better not be a puppy,” she says, sounding a little nervous. “I don’t want a puppy, they’re so much work.”
“Not a puppy,” I say, pushing the door open and guiding her inside.
The moment I take my hand off her eyes, she blinks and then starts laughing.
“You unpacked!” she says, between peals of laughter. “Oh, my God, you unpacked.”
I grin, and she hugs me tight, still laughing.
“Look at all this stuff I didn’t know you had,” Luna says. “Holy shit, are those lamps? Don’t tell me you’ve got more than two plates now.”
“I’ve got eight plates,” I brag.
She giggles against me, then sighs.
“God, I was afraid you were gonna propose or something,” she says.
Now it’s my turn for my heart to clench in my chest. Proposing isn’t in my immediate plans, but we’ve only been together a little over a month, so of course it’s not.
Why would she be afraid of me proposing? I wonder, suddenly nervous.
When I think of me in a year, Luna’s there. When I think of me in five years, in ten years, she’s there. If she doesn’t want to get married, fine, but I need her in my life.
“Would that be so bad?” I ask, tentatively.
Luna looks up at me, and there’s a long moment where I think neither of us knows what to say.
“That would just have been really fast is all,” she finally says.
I grin with relief.
“Oh, shit, Stone, I’m sorry,” she says, and takes my face in her hands. “I swear I just meant that we’ve only been together for a month, and, I mean, this is really great but also it’s just so soon and...”
I kiss her so she stops blathering on.
“Agreed,” I say. “I promise any upcoming surprises aren’t a proposal.”
Luna laughs.
“Thanks,” she says, and I lean my forehead against hers.
“I love you, though,” I say.
I don’t even mean to say it, it just slips out. I hold my breath for a second, but nothing happens.
I don’t even care if she says it back, I realize. It’s true, so fuck everything else.
“I know,” Luna says. “You unpacked.”
“I’m gonna be here a while,” I say.
For another moment, I just hold her and we both look at my living room.
“Do you want me to call you by your real name?” Luna asks suddenly.
“Ellwood?” I say, a little incredulous.
“Didn’t you go by Sam?” she says.
“I like Stone,” I say. “Ellwood Sam was a fuck up. I’d rather be Stone.”
I don’t say, I like being Stone because that’s who I am to you.
“Stone,” Luna says.
“Hm?”
“I love you too,” she says.
I kiss her on top of her head, her hair wild around my face, and we stand there for another moment, just holding each other.
“Stone,” Luna says after a moment.
“Yeah?”
“Your futon is still crooked,” she points out.
I put my hand under her shirt and slide it up the warm skin of her back.
“That was your fault,” I tease.
She looks up at me and hooks one finger under the waistband of my jeans.
“Wanna break it more?” she asks, grinning devilishly.
I kiss her and she presses herself against me, warm and pliant and just a little drunk.
For just a moment I think, how did I get this lucky?
Then I grab her ass, pick her up, and carry her to the futon.
Epilogue
Luna, One Year Later
I’m sneakily eating an Oreo over the kitchen sink when Stone drives into the driveway in a bright red convertible.
I stop eating mid-chew.
Did he steal that? I wonder in mild alarm.
Not that he’s stolen anything in the past six years, at least not that I know of, but I don’t know where else he’d get a vintage sports car.
He walks through kitchen door, hands in the pockets of his leather jacket.
“You’re hiding Oreos from me again,” he says.
I look at the half Oreo in my hand, then finish chewing the half Oreo already in my mouth.
“No, I’m not?” I say.
He walks over, takes the Oreo half from my hand, and eats it.
“That’s what you get for hiding them from me,” he says around the mouthful of cookie.
I make a face, swallowing.
“Where did you get that?” I ask, pointing at the car.
He looks out the window, like there’s any question as to what I’m talking about.
“Borrowed it from Eddie,” he says, then leans against the fridge and grins. “I told you I was taking you out in style tonight, even if you’d rather eat Oreos over the sink like an animal.”
“Does Eddie know?” I tease, even as I walk up to Stone and give him a hello kiss.