by Roxie Noir
Outside the bar he asks if I’d like to do it again, his eyes hopeful. I hate this part.
“You’re a great person,” I say, gently. “I just don’t think you’re the one for me.”
He looks puzzled.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I did have a good time. I really did.”
Aidan nods, looking disappointed.
“Okay,” he says. He crosses his arms in front of his chest. “Well, it was nice meeting you.”
He doesn’t wait for a response before walking away, and now I feel like a monster for being an asshole twice this week.
I open a bottle of wine in my apartment, then stand in the kitchen while I drink one glass, leaning my forehead against the cabinet.
Why can’t I like nice men? I think. What the hell is wrong with me?
I think of Alex calling me his dirty fuck goddess or whatever it was, and heat pools inside me instantly.
I have the feeling Aidan would never call me that. Not even if I asked.
I drink some more wine. I look at the side table by the front door and think of Alex saying your cunt fits me like a glove and it sends a delicious shiver over me. My phone is right there. It’s got his number in it.
I’m pretty sure he’d come over.
I have another glass of wine, and after three drinks total, I’m tipsy enough to do it, because after all, isn’t the worst he can say no?
Probably not. Probably the worst he can say is I never want to see you again or I found someone else.
I text anyway, and then flop into a kitchen chair and wait for him to reply.
41
Alex
I work twelve-hour days, partly because I like the job and I want to keep it and partly because if I’m not working, I’ve got too much time to think.
I don’t even know where Tessa and I left off, whether she’s going to ever booty call me or whether I can booty call her or what. I just know I left there furious and heartbroken and I can’t believe I let myself like her.
I must be some sort of idiot.
Wednesday I work late again, and then two of my coworkers invite me out for a drink after work, and I know that Tessa is meeting Aidan tonight and I need to think about anything else so I say yes. They’re nice enough guys and they take me to a craft brewery, where we sit and talk about office politics and craft brews.
It’s not the company that I’m used to, but it’s what I should get used to, I think. It’s better than the golf talk at that wedding, at least.
Halfway through my beer, my phone goes off, and I hope it’s not an email from my boss. Given that my last boss cut off pinkies when he was unhappy, reporting to someone still makes me nervous, even though I know this is much, much different.
It’s not.
It’s a text from Tessa.
You busy?
I look up at my coworkers, still chatting away. One of them laughs, and I slide my phone back in my pocket and decide to finish my beer before I answer. Make her sweat a little.
I last about five minutes and then give up, pulling my phone out of my pocket, because I can’t hear a damn thing they’re saying over my memory of Tessa saying I need you inside me.
No.
Come over?
OK.
I drain my beer, and my coworkers look over at me.
“Next round’s on me,” one says, but I stand.
“I’ve actually gotta go,” I say. “Thanks for the invite, though.”
That’s what people with these kinds of jobs say, right? ‘Invite’?
“Anytime, man,” the other one says, and I leave cash on the bar and walk out.
My dick is already hard when I knock on her door, and for a moment I wonder if I am just a walking dildo or something.
“It’s open,” she calls, so I go in and shut it behind me.
“Hi,” she calls from the kitchen. “You want a drink?”
I walk back and she holds up a bottle of wine.
“No thanks,” I say, letting my eyes crawl down her.
All she’s got on is a white V-neck t-shirt with no bra and a pair of black lacy panties. I let my eyes linger on her ass, the black fabric curving into a place I’m positive is already wet.
I wonder if she wore them on her date, even though I know that right now they’re for my benefit.
“You’re staring,” she says, working the cork back into the wine.
“You’re wearing lingerie in your kitchen,” I say. “Wear a parka if you don’t want me looking at your ass.”
“It’s not lingerie,” she says, as I lean against the opposite counter. “Just fancy underpants.”
“Was that for me or Aidan?” I ask before I can stop myself.
She licks her lips and leans against the other counter.
“They’re for whoever I went home with,” she says, her green eyes glittering.
“Apparently he turned you down, then, because here I am,” I say.
I don’t think it’s true, because who the fuck would turn Tessa down?
I just want to make her mad, because the thought of her with someone else burns me up.
She snorts.
“He didn’t turn me down,” she says. “He was a perfect gentleman, I’ll have you know.”
“How many drinks have you had?” I ask.
“Three,” she says. “One on my date and two here.”
“Now you have to drink before you call me?”
“I’ve never called you before,” she says. “You caught me when I tripped once and came back from the dead once.”
“You thought I might not come,” I say, crossing my arms over my chest. “So you had to work up the courage to call me after you went out with someone else.”
“Does it matter?” she says. “You’re here now.”
“Yeah,” I say. “I’m here now, your dirty secret. You go out in public with other men and then call me later when they don’t interest you like I do.”
She glares, but she doesn’t say anything. I lean forward and take her wrist in my hand, pulling her toward me.
“Anyone could give you what you say you want,” I tell her. “You call me later because I’ll give you what you need.”
Her hands are flat on the counter to my sides and she’s standing with one hip cocked, nipples poking through her t-shirt, staring up at me defiantly.
Every time I see her I just want her worse and worse. I don’t know what’s going to happen if we keep doing this. I don’t know if I’m going to survive it.
“You don’t know anything about the people I’ve dated,” she says.
“I know they’re not me,” I say.
“That’s all you know.”
“That’s all I need to know,” I say. “If you wanted someone nice you’d fuck someone nice but here I am.”
“I thought you weren’t jealous,” she tells me.
“I’m not,” I lie.
We kiss hard, almost savagely and she rolls her hips against me, rubbing herself against my cock through my pants until she pulls back and moans breathily.
I’m still wearing the button-down shirt I wore to work today and she pulls at the buttons, opens it and yanks it off of me, running her hands along the tattoos. I slide my hands up her shirt and squeeze her perfect, full breasts as she writhes.
“I’ve barely even touched you,” I say.
“I know what’s coming,” she says, looking up at me with those eyes.
I bend down and bite her nipples through the shirt, leaning her backwards, and as I bring her back upright I take her shirt off, her face flushed and wild. I kiss her again, hard, as I grab her ass in those panties and she takes my pants off and then I’m hard and naked in her kitchen.
She grabs my cock with both hands and kisses me and groans.
For some goddamn reason, I think of her with someone else, grabbing his dick and groaning like that. Or worse, lying on her back in the dark, yawning while he thrusts away at her.
Fuck no. She’s mine, at le
ast right now.
“Get into the bedroom,” I growl at her.
“Let’s fuck here,” she whispers.
I grab her and crush her against me so her hips press against the full length of my hard cock.
“Take off your panties and get on the bed,” I say, letting my voice go low and dangerous.
I don’t think for a second that she’s actually going to do it.
“Take them off me,” she says.
Instead I grab her and hoist her over my shoulder and take her into the bedroom as she shouts, “Dammit, Alex!”
I toss her onto the bed on her back and I’m on top of her, pressing my whole body into her as she wraps her legs around me, my cock sliding along the thin fabric between her legs. It’s soaked through and I can feel her heat radiating through it.
“Tiger, you make me so fucking hard I think I might jump out of my skin,” I say into her ear.
I curl my fingers around her panties and she sighs, and with my lips I find the spot on her neck, just below her ear that always makes her moan.
“There’s one thing that scares me about you,” I say.
“What the fuck scares you,” she says.
“I think you want me just as bad,” I say. “You could destroy me if you wanted to.”
I grab her panties with the other hand and pull. It takes a moment but then the thin fabric tears apart and I toss the torn panties away.
“Dammit, don’t—” She starts, but I put one hand over her mouth.
“Don’t pretend you don’t like that, tiger,” I say. “We both know I’m here because you want your panties ripped off of you. You want someone who’s impolite and rough and goddamn fucks you like it, and when you say you don’t, you’re lying to yourself.”
She’s breathing hard and looks up at me. I take my hand off her mouth and she grabs it, lacing her fingers through mine, her legs wrapped around me.
“You want me,” I say. “Right now you’re wet as fuck and you’re just desperate for my cock, and you don’t know what to do about it, because you’re pretty sure it’s the wrong thing to want. But here you are, on your back underneath me, aren’t you?”
I kiss her neck again and she squeezes my hand. I squeeze back.
I press my cock against her and watch her eyes slide shut as the shaft rubs over her clit.
“Where the fuck else would I be?” she whispers. “On my back beneath you is a pretty good place if what I want is for you to fuck me already.”
“Tell me,” I say.
“Why? Sounds like you already know.”
“Because it’s sexy as fuck, and it’s mine,” I say. “Because I love the dirty things you say, and I love them because you say them to me and because when you say them you’re mine.”
She puts her other hand on my face and looks at me with that heavy-lidded pure sex look she gets when she’s about to lose control.
“All I thought about for three days was how good it feels when you’re here,” she says. “I went on a date with a perfectly nice guy and all I could do was wish he was you, because all he wanted to do was please me.”
“I don’t please you?” I ask, teasing her.
“You could please me more,” she says.
“Tell me how,” I say.
She pulls my face down to hers so our foreheads are touching.
“You want dirty?” she whispers. “I want you to fuck me right now, Alex, because it’s the best thing I’ve ever done and I can’t get enough.”
I press the length of my cock against her, and I can see the way her eyes light up when I don’t do it right away.
“Say it again,” I tell her, my whole body throbbing.
“I need you inside me,” she says, and that’s all it takes for me to lose control completely. I slide inside her and she moans, our faces still pressed together.
“Oh fuck you feel good,” she says.
“God dammit, tiger,” I say.
It’s good. It’s perfect. When I’m inside her I feel like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be, like nothing else in the world even exists.
“I missed you,” she says softly, panting for breath as I fuck her hard and slow, afraid that I’ll never last long enough if I don’t. “I fucking missed this.”
“Leaving you wet on the bed in that cabin was the hardest thing I’ve ever done,” I say.
“I was so mad at you for that,” she whispers. “I hated how much I wanted you, Alex.”
I take one knee in my hand and put it over my shoulder and then I’m in her just a tiny bit deeper and she moans, her eyes sliding closed as her hips move against me and her back arches.
It feels incredible, like I’m falling, like I’m lost in her.
“Tell me this is just fucking,” I say.
I turn my head and kiss the inside of her knee and she’s watching me and the kiss makes her whimper.
“Tell me that the filthy things you say are because we’re just fucking,” I say. “Tell it to me while I’m right here, deep inside you, and you’re whimpering because it feels so good.”
She bites her lip and doesn’t say anything, and I fuck her again because it feels so good to be inside her like this and I suddenly don’t know if this is going to be the last time.
“You know we’re not just fucking,” I whisper. I can feel her muscles flutter around me as I move slowly inside her.
“Don’t,” she whispers.
“This is more,” I go on. I wish I could stop, but I can’t. “Just fucking doesn’t feel like this, like I’m only whole when I’m inside you, like when you tell me you want me my dick might just pop.”
I thrust again and she groans, tossing her head back, and Jesus it’s beautiful.
“I know,” she finally whispers.
I need her closer. I don’t even know how but I do, so I lift her up and move until I’m sitting on the edge of the bed, still inside her, and she wraps her legs around me and moves her hips back and forth so I’m just barely sliding in and out of her.
“Alex,” she whispers.
“I love this,” I growl, my hands on her hips as she writhes on my cock. “I love every second I spend inside you and every second I spend touching you and Jesus, Tessa, I fucking need you.”
She takes my face in her hands.
“I love the way we fuck,” she whispers. “I love the way you make me come so hard I forget my name and the only one I can think of is yours.”
“Say it,” I say. “Come for me.”
I grab her hips and push down and she groans, her forehead against mine.
“Alex,” she whispers.
“Say it again, tiger,” I say. Her pussy muscles flutter around me like she’s losing control, and I’m barely keeping it. The second she goes over the edge I’m done for.
“Alex,” she murmurs again. “God, I’m close, Alex.”
“Let me feel you come,” I say. “Nothing feels better than being bare inside you when you come.”
I kiss her and she moans into my mouth, her muscles tightening around me.
“Say my name again,” I growl.
“Alex,” she whispers, and then her muscles clamp down around me. “Oh fuck, Alex.”
She whispers Alex over and over and that’s what makes me go go over the edge. I feel like I’m drowning. inside her, like I almost don’t know where she ends and I begin. I’m fucking lost in her, pulled into a whirlpool of Tessa and I think I’m just saying her name over and over again like it’s a prayer, but I don’t even know.
After a long time I float to the surface and she’s got her arms wrapped around me, holding my head tight to her chest.
I don’t say anything. I don’t know what to say, so I stay perfectly still and go soft inside her. I listen to her heartbeat and I wonder if this is the last time.
I wonder what the fuck I’m going to do if it is.
42
Tessa
He’s quiet for a long time, and we stay like we were. After I finish I realize he�
��s in my arms and I’m in his and I’m stroking his hair.
At last, he takes a deep breath and I tense.
“I don’t think I can do this, Tessa,” he says.
I swallow, because I think I know what’s coming.
“Do what?” I ask.
“I can’t be your fuck buddy,” he says. “I can’t be your backup plan. I can’t be your dirty secret. I can’t torture myself like this, coming over at night and doing this and never getting the rest of you.”
This is exactly what I was afraid of.
I stand, wobbly at first, and walk to the window and peek through the curtains at the lights of Portland, resting my head against the window. I wish that anyone else had kidnapped me, but no. It had to be the one person I want more than anything.
After a minute, he follows me.
“Tessa,” he says.
I don’t move.
“Turn around,” he says, and I still don’t, because I’m afraid that I’m going to be seeing him for the last time.
“Fucking look at me,” he says, and puts a hand on my shoulder and I finally spin around, looking up into his perfect blue eyes.
I swallow.
“What?” I whisper, because I’m on the verge of tears.
“I can’t keep acting like I didn’t fall for you,” he says, his voice somewhere between sad and angry. “This is gonna tear me into goddamn pieces if we keep it up, tiger. I can’t be with you halfway.”
I sigh, and suddenly the dam I’ve been holding back breaks and I start crying.
“Fuck,” I mutter, wiping away tears. “Goddammit, I hate this.”
Alex reaches out for me but I step back, out of his reach, and take a deep breath.
“I’m afraid that there’s two of you,” I finally say. “There’s the you who’s here now, who fucks my brains out and who moved to Portland to find me and who tells me about his dead brother, and there’s the version of you who shoots people without thinking twice and breaks people’s jaws,” I say.
Now I’m shaking, still holding myself. He steps forward but I hold up one hand.