When she was finally done, she stayed on her knees, gasping and shivering.
Was she still sick? Perhaps she should go to bed.
Her wolf whimpered again in her mind, pawing at her.
Shh girl. I know. She couldn’t go back to bed—by all accounts, they’d spent too much time there already. Besides, even though she’d just thrown up, there was an itch under her skin, a need for wide open spaces and speed, the freshness of the ocean breeze across her face and tangling in her hair. It shoved away any weakness she felt, becoming an energised prickling in her skin, her muscles, her bones.
Yes. They needed to get outside and run. Running had always cleared her head—maybe that’s exactly what she needed to do right now to remember anything of what had happened to her. And to figure out what she was going to do about uni.
She went to her bedroom, slipped out of her shoes, dress and undies, took off her earrings then gathered her change around her.
Rainbow glow lit the room and then she was seeing everything through her wolf’s eyes, the night brighter, the air full of more scents, enticing her out the door. She trotted through the house and slipped out through the sliding glass door she’d left open and into the cool of the night, her thick tawny coat keeping her warm against the chill now in the air. Laughter and cheers and the warm glow of the fires from the pack circle were off to her left. She headed right towards the cliffs and the ocean.
She ran fast and hard, her paws slapping against the hard-packed earth as she took off up the road to begin with, then veered into one of the fields that had been given over to the apple trees that grew so well down here. The McVales were well known for their wine, but thanks to a forward-thinking Alpha, they had begun to diversify and were now investing in apple and cherry orchards. Cherry season was well and truly over, but the boughs of the apple trees around her were heavy with fruit. Normally she would have stopped and picked a few of her favourites—golden delicious—but didn’t want to stop. Couldn’t stop. She had to run. And run. It was the only thing that made sense right now.
She ran to the edge of the cliffs and down the path that led to the private beach that Pack McVale used year round. There was only a sliver of sand—the tide was riding high—but she ran along it, splashing through the waves as they rolled up the beach, enjoying the salty spray against her nose and paws. She ran to the far end of the beach and then turned and ran back the way she came. The water was lapping up closer and closer to the cliff, so she couldn’t stay down here for long, but she knew she could make it to the other side of the bay that was theirs and back to the steps before running became swimming.
It was a close call, but she leaped up onto the first steps as the waves slapped up against the base of the cliff, building with each surge. She stood there for a moment, chest heaving, tongue lolling, and breathed the night in. She felt calmer and no longer like her life had been torn apart by some unseen hand against her bidding. A run and the ocean always fixed things. It was why she so loved it here, why she thought herself so lucky to have grown up here on the main McVale packlands. She loved going to uni but she so missed this when she was away. But soon—the end of this year—she’d be finished her Bachelor and could start on the plans she’d discussed with the Alpha, David, only the other day.
She frowned. No, not the other day. Over a month ago.
She huffed a sigh, the sound coming out of her snout like a snort.
Waves splashed at her feet, their spray hitting her in the face. She danced up a few steps, surprised by how high the ocean had got—she must have been here for longer than she thought.
Sighing again, she turned and padded up the stairs, wondering if the celebration was still going full tilt. By the look of the position of the stars and the moon in the sky, a few hours had passed since she’d headed out for her run. Her headache had thankfully not made a return visit, but as she ascended the stairs from the beach, she became aware of the strange sensation still in her chest. She’d not noticed it when running—too busy pulling oxygen into her lungs so she could keep going.
But now she was only walking, she couldn’t ignore it.
Was there something wrong with her heart? Was that what had happened to her? Were rarely got sick from bugs and viruses, and their bodies were less likely to fall prey to diseases like cancer or neurological and heart issues, but that didn’t mean it didn’t happen.
Something wrong with her heart was the only thing she could think of to explain a month of illness, the large bottle of pain medication prepared by the pack healer at her house, her parents’ worry and protectiveness—even Siobhan’s words to her when she called her up to make a speech.
It was also the only reason she could think of that would explain this odd feeling of weakness and bruising ache in her chest, as if something incredibly important was now missing.
Should she have been running? She stopped as she reached the top of the cliffs and looked back. She was no longer panting heavily—hadn’t felt more exerted than she usually would after such a wild run. And she felt much better than she had before she’d started her run.
Okay, so running seemed okay.
But standing around wondering what was wrong with her wasn’t going to give her the information she needed to help her in the days ahead. She needed to wolf-up and ask her parents what had happened to her and admit she couldn’t remember the last four weeks.
Although, did she really want to worry them more than they already were? The news that she couldn’t remember anything since late February possibly wouldn’t go down too well. Maybe she needed to ask someone else.
Siobhan was going to be too busy tonight, so her best friend was out.
Same for her brother—she’d seen him eyeing off Charlotte, the female Were eagerly returning his ‘let’s have us some sex’ vibes. Maybe she should find Abby. As pack healer, she would be the best person to ask about the illness that had laid her low for such a long time. And Abby was probably the only one who could help her figure out why she couldn’t remember anything of that time and maybe even enable her to gain back some of the memories.
It was a really horrible thing to know there was a gap in your mind.
She padded off across the field that bounded the edge of the cliffs, the long grass brushing against her fur, then headed up the hill between the apple trees before veering into one of the vineyards as a shortcut to where the Alpha house sat, the healer cottage beside it.
The noise of pack mates still celebrating drifted through the night, making her wolf prick up her ears over the happy sounds, a little surprised that it was still so loud. By this time, usually at least half the pack must have already retired for the night, but it had been too long between mating celebrations, so she expected they were all taking advantage of the good news. Not to mention the love that ran through the pack bond from the happy couple. There would be more than a few pack mates coupling up tonight to rid themselves of the wildness of that sexual energy.
A sexual energy that was so vibrant, it sang through her as she got closer, almost making her want to break her staunch rule of staying single and keeping out of the kinds of relationship messes Siobhan and others of their age seemed to fall into at the drop of a hat. Her wolf didn’t urge her to give in though—she understood the need to keep themselves concentrated on their goals. But still, she couldn’t help but close her eyes and enjoy the thrilling intensity of sexual awareness that pushed at her.
Damn, but she was so happy for her friend. To have found the one to share that with—it was every Were’s dream.
Except hers. She didn’t think she ever wanted to give herself over to someone that much. She was too much her own Were to want to have to fit someone else into her life. Had too much to prove to herself and the pack. Too much to accomplish.
But still, she was happy for those who found it, even if she didn’t want it for herself.
A pulse of ache pulled at her chest and almost made her stumble.
Was her heart abou
t to go? Was she having a heart attack?
She needed to get to Abby. She headed towards the pack circle—it was likely the pack healer was still there, using her healing abilities to make certain nobody got too exuberant, or if they did, be on tap to heal them immediately.
As she hurried up the slope towards the noise and the golden glow of flames from the torches and bonfire, the ache in her chest grew, pulling, tugging, making her gasp.
Such agony. Such sorrow. Such grief.
What the hell?
Then she saw him. And knew.
These weren’t her feelings of agony, of sorrow and grief.
They were his.
Paul Collins.
Her nemesis.
The man whose gaze hadn’t left her tonight as she’d danced with her brother then given her speech, and not for the entire time she’d stood with her parents.
He was standing against the wall of the apple storage barn overlooking the orchard. His blue eyes—glowing in her wolf night-vision—were on her once again.
As he watched her, that agonising ache inside him of sorrow and grief, grew and grew until she could barely stand it.
He was in pain. So much pain.
She had to help him.
She gathered her change—his need and pain so great she didn’t care that she’d be naked before him like she usually did—but before the rainbow glow brightened more than a few centimetres around her, there was a buzz of energy and he was gone.
Chapter 6
Ivy could still feel Paul’s grief even after he vanished.
Oh Goddess. Such tearing loss. It was a thickness in the air around her. A painful grip on her heart, her lungs.
She had to do something. To help him.
But how could she do anything when he kept transporting himself away?
She frowned. Kept transporting himself away? Why would she think that? He’d never transported himself away from her before. He’d always made some sarcastic comment about her, laughing at her with his friends. He hadn’t had to walk away because she was the one running away, tears in her eyes. She’d never been able to figure out what she’d done to make their Pack Warlock treat her with such disdain, never been able to stop it from hurting so much. More than when her stupid brother and the rest of their friends treated her like a pain in the arse.
Paul had never fled from her before. He wasn’t the running away type. Too arrogant. And why not? He was their only Pack Warlock, their hope for the future health of the pack. He’d been spoiled rotten from the moment he’d been born, given every advantage, treated like a god almost. He was set to marry a strong witch from Pack McClune to keep the Collins line going. He had everything going for him.
So why had he run from her tonight? Why was he in such pain? Had anyone else noticed? Should she bring it to Iris and Abby’s attention?
Surely they would have felt it. She was being arrogant to think they hadn’t. They were so much more attuned to the pack and its members than she. She was only a maternal wolf after all. And not even one of the strong ones. Just average.
She turned from her path and headed back to her home. But with every step, heaviness enshrouded her until she was almost staggering under its weight as she let herself inside.
What the hell was happening? How could she feel this way? And why was she still feeling it so strongly?
Something horrible must have happened to Paul in the time she’d been unconscious and nobody had told her. Maybe nobody had wanted to upset her. Had the witch he was supposed to bind with died? She hadn’t thought he’d been in love with her, but maybe he had been.
Hell.
Had he lost the love of his life? It hurt her to think that might be true. Perhaps she should go and tell Abby and Iris what she’d felt. It was possible they didn’t know the full extent of his pain. He could be hiding it from everyone, not wanting them to see him in pain. He probably thought it a weakness. Idiot. Stubborn idiot. He was as stubborn as the stubbornest wolf.
But she’d caught him out tonight when he’d probably thought nobody was around and he could let down his guard. It’s probably why he’d transported himself away—shock and shame.
Didn’t the idiot know there was nothing to be ashamed of in grieving for a lost love?
Abby and Iris would be able to help him.
But instead of heading back to the pack circle to find them and tell them what had happened, she found herself running home to pull on some jeans and a jumper then grabbing the keys for the family’s 4WD.
She drove along the orchard road, past the hills of vines and to the tallest hill that lay at the centre of the McVale packlands. She had no idea why she was heading this way, only that she felt drawn to it.
Her heart pulsed as she turned off the road, opened the gate into Hill Paddock, and drove up the steep rise, bumping along through the tall grass.
Something made her stop before she got to the top. She turned the car off then hurried up to the crest. There he was limned by the moonlight glowing from above. His head was bowed, hands over his face, shoulders hunched.
She’d never seen him look so small. So … unguarded. So raw.
She watched him for a moment before moving towards him, quietly, carefully.
He didn’t look up at her but he must have heard her coming—he had to at least have heard the 4WD.
Didn’t he care that he was found? That she was there and could see him like this?
Perhaps he was having a vision? But she’d seen him have visions before and they didn’t look like this.
Worry jagged up another notch and she ran the last few metres towards him. ‘Paul. Paul. What’s wrong? Why do you feel like this? Did you lose her? Is she dead?’ She went down beside him, her arms around him before she could give it a second thought. He stiffened under her touch. She held on tighter. ‘It’s okay, Paul. You need help. Let me help.’
For a brief moment, he softened into her, his hands clenching on her back, but then he pushed away, scrabbling to a stand. ‘No. No, you can’t help. You are the last one who can help. You need to go.’
‘What?’ She stared up at him. He was right. She was the last one who should or could help him. Except, she was the only one here. And even though his attitude hurt and made her angry, she couldn’t leave a pack mate alone when they were hurting like this. ‘Don’t be a stubborn arse, Paul.’ She pushed to her feet. ‘I can feel your pain. I know you need help. Why won’t you ask for it?’
‘You don’t understand. You can’t understand.’
‘Why? Because I’ve never been in love? Because I haven’t lost someone I love?’
He staggered back a step as if she’d punched him. ‘What?’ he said, his voice a breathy thread. ‘How do you know?’
She took a small step towards him—oh Goddess, his pain was throbbing through her, making her throat thick. ‘You lost her. I didn’t know you loved her. I’m so sorry. So sorry.’
‘What? What are you talking about?’
‘Mariella? The McClune witch. The one you were to bond with. She’s died, hasn’t she?’
‘No. Why would you think that?’
She blinked at him for a long moment then said slowly, ‘But it’s the only reason why you’d feel such grief. Losing someone you loved deeply. Like a mate.’
‘I’m not grieving. You’re wrong.’
‘I’m not wrong. I feel it. Here.’ She clenched her fist over her chest.
He shook his head, his mouth opening and closing. ‘You shouldn’t be feeling that at all.’
‘But I am.’ She took another step forward. He took a step back, hands held up as if to shield himself from her. ‘I have never felt such horrifying loss before.’ She blinked rapidly, tears welling in her eyes, choking on her words. ‘I can’t bear it. I don’t know how you can. I don’t know how you’ve managed to shield this from everyone. It’s so—’ her hand clenched again, hot tears poured down her cheeks, ‘—huge. So all-encompassing. How can you even think past it?’
He shook his head but didn’t say a word.
She took another step forward. ‘Please, Paul. Let me help. You can’t deal with this alone.’
‘I have to.’ He turned away, hands wrapping around his body as if to hold himself together. ‘There were consequences. Now I must pay them. There is no other choice.’
‘There is always a choice.’ She stepped up behind him, wrapped her arms around him again even though she had no idea what he was talking about. He stiffened and moved to pull away, but she held on tight. ‘I know you don’t like me, that you think I’m a pain, but I am the only one who has felt you hurting. And I can help. Let me take some of the pain.’ Her wolf keened as she sent calm and warmth along the part of the Packbond that tied all the Were in Pack McVale to their coven. To Paul. The grabbing soul-clenching grief lessened slightly as she did so, and she took a big breath for the first time since she’d felt it, pushing more of her maternal healing down the bond. ‘See, I can help,’ she whispered.
‘Ivy.’ He turned in her arms, looking down at her. ‘You shouldn’t be so good to me.’
She smiled up at him. ‘I know. You’re an arse. I hate you.’
He laughed, although it ended in a sound almost like a sob. ‘No, you don’t understand. You shouldn’t be able to do this, feel this. Why do you? Did I not do it right?’
She frowned up at him. ‘What are you talking about?’
He was looking past her, out into the darkness. ‘So sick. I was so worried. But tonight … the zombie that woke up was gone. Alive, laughing, dancing. It wasn’t wrong. I wasn’t wrong. It was all as it should be. Finally.’ His gaze came back to her. ‘But why can you feel what you’re feeling?’
She stared at him askance for a moment before saying, ‘You know you’re making absolutely no sense.’ She gasped. ‘You are having a vision. I know they cause you pain. Is that why you’re so sad? Grieving?’ Oh Goddess. For him to feel like this, the vision must be horrific. She loosened her hold on him. ‘Is it about the pack? Is something terrible about to happen? Have you told Iris and our Alpha?’
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