by Tanya Allan
“No, of course I’m not Kenneth. How daft would that be?”
Linda felt relief flood her whole being. The relief was mingled with confusion as she sought to make sense of what the girl said. Her relief was short-lived.
“I can’t call myself Kenneth with tits like these, can I? I call myself Keira when I’m a girl.”
With that, she lifted her tee-shirt, showing Linda that she was one hundred percent girl underneath.
Linda’s eyes rolled back in her head and she slid soundlessly to the floor.
“Oh, bugger it!” said Keira, finishing her toast.
When Linda opened her eyes, she was lying on the sitting room sofa. Kenneth, yes, it was Kenneth, and he was sitting in the chair next to her doing some homework. He looked up to see she was awake.
“You okay?” he asked.
She frowned, trying to remember what had happened. Then she did, and gave a little shriek. Such was her uncertainty that she doubted her own memory.
“Kenneth?”
“Duh; who else would I be?”
“Oh God, it must be the stress. I thought you were a girl. I must have imagined it.”
“No, you didn’t imagine anything. I am a girl.”
She stared at him.
“No, you’re not!”
“We’ve talked about this, mum. I am a girl; but at the moment, I’m in the body you gave birth to.”
“Huh?”
Kenneth; and she could see by the complete absence of breasts that it was her son and not the girl she had seen in the kitchen, Kenneth sighed and rolled his eyes.
“I never meant for you to see the real me, but I wasn’t expecting you so early,” he said. “I knew you’d freak out.”
“The real you?”
“Oh, you are so thick sometimes, mum. I’m a girl, so as you guys made me a boy I have to be a boy when I’m around you and at school. The rest of the time I revert to who I should be – and that’s Keira.”
“Keira; isn’t that the name of your friend?”
“No, it’s me. I met them from next door and didn’t think you’d want them gossiping about me being a girl, would you?”
Linda was confused.
“But you are a boy!”
“Not all the time. And, once I leave home, I will never be again.”
Linda snorted. It was partly disbelief and partly disgust at the very thought.
Kenneth put his pen down and fiddled with his collar. Linda couldn’t see what he did.
She sat up and looked at her watch. She realised she was going to be late with her assignation with Yvonne. However, when she next looked at her son, she gasped, for the girl was back.
“How the hell did you do that?”
“Mind over matter. It’s what I’ve always wanted, so I’ve made it happen,” Keira lied.
“That’s impossible!” Linda declared.
The girl laughed at her.
“Yeah, of course it is. Just because you don’t understand something, or don’t want that something to be true, you state it’s impossible. Well, I’ve got news for you; not only is it clearly possible, but very soon I will be attending school officially as a girl.”
Linda stared at her, all thoughts of meeting her lover dissipated.
“You what?”
On the advice of the headmaster, I met a doctor today who has taken me on and is referring to a gender specialist. Clearly, they are not aware that I can actually change my gender, but I will play at going down that road so I can be legitimated in the eyes of the law. As you can clearly see, I won’t need surgery, but I plan to reveal that I must be inter-sexed after a little while, so they can get me all legal very quickly.”
Linda sat there, too shocked to say anything.
“So, I shall be a boy for some of the time, but mainly I will be a girl, certainly at home.”
“Over my dead body! You will not...”
“Well, I see I will have to inform the local press about the love affair between two prominent tennis ladies, and, oh yes, some photographs taken after last summer’s BBQ might be fun. You never checked to see if I was at home, did you?”
Keira took out two forms from her bag.
“These are medical consent forms. They allow me to start along the road, so to speak. Strictly I won’t need them in a few months, but I don’t feel like waiting. You will sign these now, and I will guarantee that those photographs will not be shown to anyone.”
“This is blackmail!”
“No, actually blackmail is making unwarranted or illegal demands with menaces. My demands are both legal and reasonable, and the menaces are purely my duty as an honest person drawing attention to the dishonesty and lack of morals of a supposedly respectable, married woman.”
Linda gaped at her.
“Now, mother dear,” she said, handing her a pen. “Sign!”
Linda signed the forms without reading them.
Keira checked the signatures and then nodded.
“Thanks. Now, as our lives have to coincide from time to time, we need to clarify a few things. Firstly, our relationship is going to undergo a subtle change. Although I am your child, I have noted that you are about as pleased to have me as a child as I am to have you two as parents. Why you ever bothered having me, I have no idea, but as you clearly have, and then failed to uphold the basic responsibilities of decent parents, I think I am within my rights to declare my independence clearly as from this moment.
“With that in mind, I am no longer at your beck and call to be ordered about and forced to comply with your social requirements so as to boost your standing and self-esteem. I will no longer attend any family functions or be present when you bring clients here to impress them with your lovely home unless I choose to do so, and I will decide whether to attend as Keira or Kenneth.
“Two, although I live here, supposedly under your tender care, please note that for the last eight months, I have done my own washing and made most of my own meals. Those ready meals you buy from various supermarkets you happen to be passing are, quite frankly, crap! So, I will continue to get my own food, and I will not eat anything you provide. While I have to attend school and am legally not an adult, then I accept that I have to, by law remain under parental supervision. I will keep to my room, and those shared areas of habitation, like the kitchen and sitting room. I won’t make a fuss if you bring your lesbian lover home, so I do not expect you to make a fuss if I bring home any friends, be they male or female.
“Third, you can forget about the old ideas of bedtimes and telling you where I am going. You do your thing and I do mine, okay?”
“Your father will have something to say about this!” Linda said.
“No, he won’t, for the same reason you will just accept the new status quo. Dad has been shagging Stephanie for so long; I’m surprised that there is anyone left who doesn’t know what he’s up to. Why can’t you two just accept your marriage is a sham; you’re crap parents, and both go and shack up with your real partners and live in some semblance of contentment instead of being professional miseries living a pretend life in a pretend world?”
Linda opened and closed her mouth a few times, resembling a goldfish. No words came out.
“Now, I need some clothes and some makeup, so I’m meeting Connie and we’re going by bus to Maidenhead. I suppose you’ll be at Yvonne’s when I get back; is her husband still in Canada?”
Linda said nothing, but the mouth was still moving.
“Well, in that case, why don’t you stay the night?”
Keira simply put the forms in her bag and walked out. Linda heard her go upstairs. A few minutes later she came down again and then Linda heard the front door open and bang shut.
Linda felt light-headed and a little nauseous.
“I’m having a break-down; that’s what’s happening; this is all a bad dream. I’ll go to bed, and when I wake up, everything will be back as normal!” she said aloud as if to make it happen.
Her phone buzzed at he
r. It was a text from Yvonne.
R U CUMING?
“It’s not a bad dream, is it?” she asked the phone.
The phone didn’t reply.
Connie sat as far away from Keira as she could; which wasn’t very far, as they were next to each other on the bus.
She could handle things when Kenneth was around, but this girl scared the pants off her. She knew that Keira could do strange things, and was not quite sure how safe she was.
“This is nice, isn’t it?” Keira said.
Connie smiled half-heartedly.
“Oh, you don’t have to be scared, it’s not like I’m going to do anything outrageous, or anything. I have had sixteen years of this planet, so I understand how to behave.”
“What happens if we meet anyone we know?” Connie asked.
“You just say that I’m your friend Keira, okay?”
“Okay, but, like, where do you live; or go to school?”
“You don’t know that, as we’ve just met. I’m a cousin of a friend from school.”
“Why are we going?”
“I need some girl stuff; you know; clothes and shit like that. I haven’t a clue, so need help.”
“Oh.”
“Don’t look so worried; what could possibly go wrong?”
Neither girl was aware, but Keira was about to have her second less than successful attempt to impart Justice.
Words could not hope to describe Keira’s emotional contentment as she and Connie settled down for a coffee in Cafe Nero in the Nicholson’s Shopping Centre. Connie couldn’t believe that the very pretty girl opposite her was the same person as Kenneth, her friend from school. Now wearing a new dress, underwear and shoes, she looked radiant and ecstatically happy. Although Keira’s bank account (actually, to be perfectly honest, it was Kenneth’s bank account) was reasonably flush, Keira didn’t want to spend more than she had to.
The shops were stocked with a huge range of clothes, but many were out of her self-imposed budget. Keira was happy just wandering up and down the aisles, looking at stuff she had never dared look at as Kenneth.
There were also some charity shops, but there was something slightly tacky about wearing stuff that some stranger had worn and then got rid of for whatever reason. After an hour of frenetic shopping, she came away with several tops, a couple of skirts, two summer dresses, underwear (yes, she now owned four bras!), tights, makeup and five pairs of shoes. She wore some of the underwear, a dress and a pair of shoes on leaving the final shop. Connie was actually feeling useful, as Keira never stopped asking for her advice and opinions.
Keira, for whom shopping had never been either a leisure pursuit of even a pastime that Kenneth enjoyed, was in a different realm.
“This is fun!” Keira said, sipping her coffee.
Connie had to agree. This was perhaps better than just hanging around Kenneth’s room watching him play computer games. However, suddenly not having a boyfriend was rather disturbing.
“He never was, Connie,” Keira said.
Connie jumped.
“Can you read my mind as well?”
“No, it was obvious from your expression. You miss him, don’t you?”
Connie nodded again.
“If I’m honest, I know we never had a thing going, but it made me feel sort of better believing that we might, one day.”
“You know now that it was never to be, Connie.”
“Yes, I suppose I do.”
“What time do you want to head home?”
Connie shrugged.
“My parents think I’m doing homework at your place; Kenneth’s place, that is.”
Keira smiled.
“Your boyfriend’s place, you mean?”
Connie reddened slightly.
“Aren’t they bothered that you’re alone at a boy’s house?”
“No, to be honest, I think they’re relieved. Dad is never there, as he works shifts at the Fire station, and mum is happy as long as I’m out from under her feet.”
“Oh yes, she works at two jobs, doesn’t she?”
“Yeah; what a great future we have ahead of us,” Connie said sarcastically, glancing quickly at her companion. “At least, I have.”
“What’s that suppose to mean?”
“Well, your parents are rich, so you’ll go to university and then, I don’t know, I suppose then you’ll be doing all sorts of wonderful things in secret.”
“The future is not written, so you can be whatever you want to be,” Keira said.
“As long as you have the money and or the opportunities.”
Keira smiled.
“Actually, you’re brighter than you look. But, the secret is in making your own opportunities.”
“Even if I get good grades at GCSE and then A levels; there is no way I can afford uni, what with the loans and living expenses. My folks just can’t afford it.”
“That’s what comes from having five kids!” Keira joked.
Connie looked down into the dregs of her coffee.
“I would love to be able to do what you can do. Hell, I’d just kill for a body like yours; you can keep all the super shit. I just want not to be the fat girl with the specs!”
Keira was silent. She felt very sorry for Connie, who, if the truth be known, was a lovely person. Her weight was probably due to insecurity and low self-esteem leading to comfort eating. Keira thought it might be a spiral downwards; in that the more she ate, the bigger she became, so she got more depressed, so she ate more, and so on. Even now, Keira had a coffee and that was it, but Connie had two enormous chocolate chip cookies.
“How about we do a deal?” Keira said.
“What?”
“I’ll help you get a body like mine, and you help me be a girl on this damn planet; what do you say?”
“You’ve got some super-power that transforms bodies?”
“No, but together we can get you slimmer through less crappy food and more exercise.”
“I’m not sure I like the sound of that.”
“Lots in life are choices. You can choose to be whatever you want to be, in spite of everything and everyone around you.”
“I suppose I could try,” Connie said, half-heartedly.
“No, Connie, you will do it, because you want to, and not for any other reason. Look, I’ve been watching all the people walking past. Only about one percent of men and women are anywhere near possessing something like a good figure and good looks. There are some with great facial features, but with a body that’s awful, and vice versa. We have a daft idea of the ideal person, which is a shame, because of the amount of money we all waste in pursuit of a perfection that is unattainable and in the end pretty useless.”
“You’ve got both; a great body and a face to die for.”
“Yeah, but I’m screwed to hell and gone. Believe me, you don’t want my hang-ups. You tell me that you’d like to be slimmer, which is great, because slimmer is fitter and fitter is healthier, but don’t do it for me, or other people, do it for yourself. Do you really want to be slimmer?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Then now is the time to make that decision. Say to yourself, ‘I want to work to make myself fitter and healthier.’ Now you’re committed, and I’m committed to helping you; okay?”
Connie smiled and nodded.
Keira looked at her watch.
“Okay, one more shop, and then we’ll go home, okay?”
“Okay.”
Robert Dyas is a home-ware and gift shop, part of a chain and one of its retail outlets was in the town of Maidenhead. It boasts many departments and loads of stuff for all the family. Kenneth was a gadget fiend, so Keira was as well. As they browsed, Keira saw a woman looking very furtive as she walked around the store. She wasn’t looking at the goods, but was watching the other shoppers.
Keira immediately suspected she was a shoplifter casing the joint in preparation of a thieving spree. Keira kept her under observation and watched as she wandered, seemingly aimle
ssly, touching something her and another thing there. She held a shopping bag that Keira was convinced held her swag so far purloined.
The woman was dressed casually, in a pair of jeans and a pink top. She had long hair tied back in a pony-tail, and Keira guessed she was in her mid twenties.
Anyway, as she was following another woman out of the shop, Keira grabbed her and pushed her up against the window.
“You’re a shoplifter!” Keira said, triumphantly.
“No, I’m fucking not! I’m a store detective and I was following a suspected thief!”
Keira felt about one inch high.
She apologised and let the woman go.
Swearing, the woman ran after the real shoplifter, so Keira grabbed Connie and they ran the other way, towards the bus stop.
“What happened?” Connie asked.
“Nothing,” Keira replied.
“Something happened.”
“Okay, I made a mistake. I have just learned to be a little more observant and to take greater care when selecting potential customers.
“Customers?”
“Yeah, customers for my attention. Crime fighting is not as easy as I thought it might be.
Nine
Ray was a car thief. Actually, he was a lot of things, and wasn’t awfully good at most of them. However, at taking cars that didn’t belong to him, he was actually quite adept. Unfortunately for Ray, the cars he targeted were the fancy new and expensive ones; you know, the ones with the hi-tech security systems that you just can’t steal without the key and fob. Unfortunately, very few people leave their keys lying about, so if you want the keys, you have to go into the home or office and steal them.
There wasn’t much money in the old and beaten up Fords and Vauxhalls that one could steal with a screwdriver and a hammer, but even they were getting harder to pinch these days.
Ray was paid reasonably for his skills. He suspected that all his merchandise was in a container and in a foreign land within three days of his taking them. He also suspected that his fees were considerably less than the price that the next man in the chain received.
However, heroin is an expensive habit, so a regular source of income for very little outlay kept him happy.
That meant that in order to steal these fancy cars, Ray had to become a burglar, at which, he was mediocre, to be honest.