by Mj Fields
The words coming out of my mouth make no sense to me. I don’t want a legal battle with him. I know the laws, and I know he has rights to him. Nevertheless, I can’t not fight for my children; what kind of mother would that make me?
“Ava, I’m not getting a goddamned lawyer.”
“Okay, Luke, let’s give her some time,” Tessa says from beside him.
“Tessa, this is not any of your—”
“Luke Lane, I’m not asking. I’m telling,” Tessa says, which shocks the hell out of me. He’s her family, her godson, and she’s taking my side?
He looks at me, his eyes pleading. “What did I do?”
I take in a deep, shaky breath. I want to tell him that it’s not what he did; it’s what he will do.
“I found the man who killed—”
“Luke, come on,” Tessa says as I close the door behind me, leaving them out in the hall.
I look at Hope, who is sleeping blissfully unaware of what I have done to her. I look at Chance as he looks at me...unaffected for now. I feel like I have been punched in the gut, like I may get sick or lose it at any moment.
Luke found him? Luke did that for me? For us? This is too much. It’s all too much. I can’t handle it all right now.
I pull up my shirt, and Chance latches on. Then I sit and feed him until he falls asleep. After I put him in his crib, I walk downstairs to find Tessa, Dad, and Logan in the kitchen, whispering. I know it’s about me, and I have to remind myself that they love me. Regardless, just the thought of people talking about me makes me want to run away, run back to the city, to Brooklyn. But Brooklyn isn’t home anymore.
She ruined that.
I found out from a news report that Casey knew who killed T. She knew and didn’t say a word to me. She knew, and I trusted her. I trusted her...and she knew. She drove us, me and my kids. She stayed with us. She...I don’t even know what to think, except I am a fool, a fucking fool. And now I have no idea what I am doing; what I am going to do. I don’t know who or what is real. I don’t know who or what to believe, or trust, or how the fuck I am going to protect my babies from...everything.
“You hungry?” Dad asks, breaking the silence.
“No. I’m going for a walk. Can you make sure they’re...they’re okay?”
“You want company?” Logan asks, walking over to get his shoes.
“No. No, I want to be alone.”
“Okay.” He nods. “Okay.”
I push my feet into my boots that are in the closet by the door, throw on one of Logan’s sweatshirts, and then start for the door.
“Ava,” Dad stops me. “Hat and mittens; it’s cold out.”
I nod and robotically reach in the basket hanging in the closet and grab them.
Outside, I look toward Luke’s house, the path that I usually take. I don’t want to see him, and I don’t want him to see me, so I go the other way.
It’s cold, nearly dark, and I have never felt more like running away. Except, for the first time since I held them, I don’t want to take my babies with me.
I’m their mother—I should protect them—yet I let people...her into my life.
From conception, I have fucked them up. From birth, I lied about them. For the past few months, I hid them under the belief I was protecting them. Meanwhile, I allowed a stranger, a fucking stranger who knew who killed the man I love, the man who loved me, into their everyday life.
I am not a mother; I am a mess. And they...God, those beautiful babies deserve so much more than I ever was or could ever be.
A horn blows from behind me, and I realize I’m not on the side of the road. I’m walking right down the middle.
For a moment, I don’t want to move. I want this all to end. I want to leave them to someone deserving.
“Ava!”
A door slams, and I look over.
Luke. Always Luke.
“Leave me alone!” I yell.
“Not a fucking chance!” he yells back as he hoists me up and all but throws me in his truck.
“You win! Okay? You win!” I yell. “I was Thomas’s toy! I’m a big fat fucking liar! I trusted people I shouldn’t have! Sometimes, I forget to fucking shower! I can’t even eat half the time! I’m a fucking mess, and they deserve better than me! You’re the hero, Luke, so take him...take them both. Just leave me alone. You win!” I try to get out the passenger side door, but he pulls me back in.
“That’s enough! Goddammit, Ava, that’s enough!”
“I hate you! I hate you so much!” I sob out, my throat hoarse from crying, from yelling.
I do hate him. I hate him for being everything I knew he was. And I hate him for being good and bad, wrapped up in one Luke fucking Lane.
He grips my arms and pulls me closer, saying nothing, not one fucking thing. Then...“It was an accident.”
“I don’t want to hear it!”
“It was an accident, Ava, and she didn’t know what to do. She knew the guy. He was her fucking pimp, and he was coming after her for money. He was coming after her and not you, not Thomas, not the kids. It was a horrible fucking accident, and they are both paying the price for it now.”
I cover my ears, not wanting to hear any more. Still, he doesn’t shut up. He doesn’t, and I hate him even more than I did moments ago.
“She was wrong, so fucking wrong, and I could have handled it in a much different way, but I thought you would be more upset if I had. He...Well, he is a piece of shit, and I wanted to kill him, but then...” He stops when my mouth gapes open. “People like him don’t deserve to breathe, Ava. People like him prey on girls like her, girls like you, girls who are so trusting they get sucked into situations that they can’t control, and then they lose themselves.
“You were not his toy. He did love you. It’s obvious in that fucking book—all those things he wrote about you, and you wrote about him.”
“You read my book!” I am so angry he looked at it, read it. That book is mine, mine and Thomas’s. How dare he!
“Ava, I notice shit, okay? If you want a tit for tat, you read my letters.”
“My letters.” I poke myself in the chest. “Mine.”
“Yeah, Ava, I know where they came from.”
I don’t know what his point is.
“Let me go.”
“Never, Ava.”
“Fuck you and your never! Let me go, dammit! Don’t you see what you do to me? You make me hate myself. You make me feel like I am nothing. You make me want to run and never come back. You make me want to disappear!”
“I get that. I get that more than you can even imagine, but I made a promise to a girl, and I won’t break my promise.”
“She’s a few months old; she’ll never know. You’ll be a man of your word, Luke, keeping all your promises and never lying to a fucking soul. You can keep on being her hero.”
“Yeah, well, she’s not months old anymore, and she sure does know damn well I lied. I’m just hoping she’ll let me be the hero she always thought I was.”
“Don’t you dare,” I sneer.
“You knew, Ava. You knew how I felt, and dammit—”
“Don’t. Do not placate me.”
He smiles sadly at me. “Look at me. I fucked up. I did. You didn’t. It was me, Ava. I pushed you away because I was so fucking stupid. Had I not, none of what you are going through, what you have been through—”
“No.” I push him hard and get out of the truck quickly.
“Dammit, Ava, I have been in love with you since before I knew what love was! You’ve had me from the beginning, and I will make you remember why,” he says as his footsteps move closer to me. “Please, blue eyes, please let me love you.”
I don’t turn around. I can’t look at him.
Luke Lane just told me he loves me, yet it doesn’t feel like I dreamed it would. In fact, it makes me sick.
“You can see him when you want. Just make sure you call, because I don’t want to see you.”
“Ava, I can’t change a thi
ng. Wish I could. And I know goddamned well you love me, too!”
I walk through the snow covered field away from him and toward home.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Yep, you’re right. — C. Dee
Ava
Every day since the day Luke Lane told me he loves me, I have hated myself more and more. He comes here twice a day. Logan hangs out with him and the kids while I stay in this fucking room, a room where my parents lied to each other for years and years about loving each other. And for what? For Logan and I.
I will not ever allow that.
Never.
I haven’t left the house; haven’t had to. Diapers and groceries appear. Hell, dinners are cooked and delivered. And people walk around me like they are on eggshells, which is all fine by me. Let them do what makes them happy. Let them give and give and give, and pretend it will make one bit of difference in this world.
It won’t.
I have been there, and look at me now.
The truth about love is, it changes. People change, love fades, givers give, and takers take. There is no balance. Like I said in my and Thomas’s book, Our love is forever, Thomas Hardy. Yours, mine, and our children’s...forever. And like I know in my heart, the only real love is that of a mother and child.
There is a knock on the bedroom door, and without a “Come in,” it opens.
Luke is standing there, with Chance in his arms.
I say nothing. I simply look away.
“We need to discuss Christmas. You can’t hole up in here, Ava, and I won’t miss their first Christmas, either.”
“You can take him. When you’re done, bring him back.” I say it without emotion, nice and evenly toned. You see, I knew this was coming, I knew it, and it’s better. I prepared myself for it.
“Them.”
I look up at him and shake my head.
His face turns nearly purple. He looks like he may explode. “What the hell happened? We were doing so damn well before I left at your request.”
“It wasn’t real.”
I swallow hard as he glares at me. Then he walks out of the room. As soon as he does, I lie down, bury my head in the pillow, and cry.
Minutes later, the door opens and closes, the bed dips, and then arms are wrapped around me, pulling me tight into him.
“This feel real to you, Ava?”
I don’t answer.
“Feels real to me. Feels real, and good, and right.”
“Was never right,” I mumble.
“That’s a lie we both believed on two totally different occasions. I thought so then when you didn’t. You are making yourself believe that now, but it’s wrong.”
“I don’t want you here.”
“I don’t believe that for a second.”
“It’s the truth, so please...please just leave.”
“No.”
“Luke, I—”
“No.”
“Luke...” I begin again.
“No.”
“You’re pissing me off,” I whisper.
“That’s okay; I’m still here.”
“I don’t want you here.”
“I. Love. You,” he whispers into my ear. “I will prove what you already know. No amount of pushing me away or being nasty to me is going to make me run and hide, Ava. I know you. I know you, and I love you. It isn’t going to stop because you said so or because I don’t want to hurt you, or because tomorrow is not a guarantee, or because you think you don’t deserve it, or I think I don’t. You have loved me forever, and I will love you for as long.”
“I loved T. I loved him. I couldn’t have him and me, Luke. What makes you think I can have me and you? What makes you think you can have me?”
“Because I can.”
“You can’t. I won’t let you.”
“I’m not asking for something that isn’t already there. And I made a promise, Ava. Hell, I’ve made more promises in two weeks than I have my whole life. I made one to you, one to Hope, one to Chance, and one to myself. You may not be giving me a second shot at showing you what you already know, but I’m damn sure gonna take it.”
I don’t say anything. What can I say?
“I’ve got a room at the house; I’m taking them tonight.”
I feel my body tremble.
“You need sleep. And, Ava,” he continues, “I need them. I need them just as badly as you do.”
“This isn’t fair, Luke. This isn’t fair,” I cry.
He holds me tighter. I want to hate him for it—I do—but I understand. I just won’t tell him I do.
“Hope stays. She stays,” I beg.
“You have expressed milk enough for—”
“Don’t do this,” I whisper.
“You have expressed milk for two days. We’ll be fine. Get some sleep, Ava.”
“My dad won’t let you take them.”
“He’s not here. Go to sleep. You can come get them at Harper’s tomorrow. We’re making cookies.”
“I will never forgive you if you take him.”
“I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t.” He kisses the back of my head. “I love you.”
“I hate you.”
Logan grabbed me when I went after him. He held me when I fell to my knees, crying. He took my phone from me when I wanted to call the cops, Dad—anyone who would listen. He stopped me from running out the door during each attempt I made. And he slept in my room the entire night. Every time I woke up, he did, too.
I am shocked when I look at my phone and see it is ten in the morning. I am even more shocked when I look out the window at the exact same time Luke pulls out of the driveway, going to Harper and Maddox’s.
“Take a shower, Ava,” Logan tells me. “Let’s go.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“Have you gone shopping for your kids for Christmas yet? I sure as hell haven’t had time. Get showered, and you and I will head out.”
I don’t respond, and he looks at me.
“I miss my kids. I want my kids. My kids need me.”
“So you said a million times last night. Get a shower, and then let’s go get them.”
“But then I’ll be a shit mother without Christmas gifts.”
“A shit godmother, too.”
“Piper. Oh, God...” I cover my face. “I can’t go. I can’t.”
“For someone who wanted out of this house so badly last night, you sure as hell are taking your time. Go shower. Let’s hit the mall then get your kids.”
Walking into Target, Logan grabs a cart. “What do babies need?”
“Their moms,” I answer, rolling my eyes.
“Okay,” he says, picking me up.
“Put me down, dammit,” I snarl at him as he sets me in the cart. “You’re ridiculous.”
He laughs as he pushes the cart, using his dad voice to say, “It’s Christmastime; do you wanna build a fucking snowman?”
“No, I want you to get me out of this cart,” I retort, trying to get out, but then he starts moving faster.
He whips around the store as I hide my face in my hands. There is nothing else I can do.
He throws things in the cart, things I don’t even know if they are age appropriate or not, but I don’t care.
“Wait, stop!” I yell, and he does on a dime, nearly giving me whiplash. “I need those.”
We are standing in front of the ornament display case where I see “Baby’s First Christmas” ornaments. There are also ones for grandparents, aunts, uncles, moms, dads, and by the time I am done, the cart is full of them and Logan has to let me out.
On the way back to town, I am hit with the realization that I have not pumped. It hits hard, and it hurts.
As much as I want to avoid the festivities, I need my children, and not just because I am in emotional pain. I am in physical pain, as well.
Chapter Twenty-Four
I understand — J. Fields
Luke
Mom bought this baby carrier thing, and I am
actually wearing the damn thing. Hope seems to like it. I suppose it makes her feel safer snuggled up to me. Besides, it’s easier to have one in it and one on my hip.
Hope had one hell of a time last night. I couldn’t put her down. Chance, on the other hand, was telling stories to everyone. He jabbered away like he is now, and everyone was laughing, him included. It’s fucking beautiful, and she should have been here.
I have taken lives, wreaked havoc all over the world, yet nothing, not one damn thing, was as hard as walking out of her house yesterday with her kids.
When I got home, Mom was pissed at me. I told her to stay out of it and enjoy them. She told me she was ashamed of me.
She wasn’t the only one.
It didn’t matter, though. It had to be done. And honestly, when they fell asleep and I walked out in the garage to do some lifting, hearing Ava going off, I actually felt better.
She needed that. She needed to be pissed, and she needed to see what it felt like to not have her kids. I knew they were just words when she said take them, but seeing her walking down the middle of the road, followed by those words, she needed to feel it. She needed to feel what it is like when, not just a part of you dies, but what it feels like when your whole world has been threatened, in order to appreciate it.
I have to do everything I can to stay strong, push forward, and look at the objective.
Who am I to make that choice? I am the man who made a promise, and I don’t go back on my word.
I feel someone pull on my pants and look down.
“Hi.”
I smile at Piper in her crown and tutu. “Well, hello. How are you?”
“I’m good.” She licks some frosting from her fingers. “Where’s Ava? I need to tell her something.” She looks at Hope and beams. Then she puts her little thumbs together, fans her fingers, and wiggles them. “Butterfly hi’s, little Hope.”
“That’s a great question,” I answer, trying to figure out what she just did. “You think I should call her?”
Please say yes. Give me an excuse to put myself out of my fucking misery.