“It’s not the same.”
“The hell it isn’t. A baby is a lifetime. Cancer isn’t.”
“Unless it kills me,” he says quietly.
“It will if you don’t do anything about it and I will get you in to a doctor.”
“You don’t need to.”
“Don’t tell me what the fuck to do.” I storm up the steps and into my closet, slamming the door behind me. I’ve never been so angry in my life.
After getting dressed for school, I come back out, but Christian is gone. He’s left without a goodbye. He once told me he’d never do that to me, that first weekend, and now he’s gone and done exactly that.
I swipe a tear from my cheek.
I’m hurt. His words hurt. His pushing me away hurt.
But, he’s scared.
Instead of wondering where the hell he went, I go to the hospital and get there early. Nurse Hurt, our instructor, is already in the classroom, ready to hand out our final assignments.
“Bethany, you’re early.”
“I need to talk to you,” I blurt out. Thank goodness nobody else is here yet and I quickly tell her what is going on. When the rest of the students start showing up, we step into another room.
“First you,” she says. “No period but negative test?”
“Just a little spotting.”
“When do you start your new packet of pills?”
“Today.”
“Don’t. Go to the lab and have blood drawn. It’s going to be more accurate.”
I pull back. “Can I just do that?”
“I’ll get it ordered.”
“What about Christian?”
“As soon as I hand out assignments, I’ll take you up to oncology.”
“What is my assignment?”
“ER, like you wanted, but you won’t be working today.”
It’s the department I wanted. “I can’t skip a school day.”
“You haven’t missed in four years and it’s not going to impact your grade. Go to the lab and I’ll meet you there.”
“Okay.”
35
I shouldn’t have walked out on Bethany, but really, it’s for the best. Had she been pregnant, I would have stayed. The kid would have been as much mine as it was hers and she shouldn’t have the burden of responsibly on her shoulders. But there is no baby and the only positive pregnancy test was mine.
I’ve got fucking testicular cancer.
I read all the stuff last night and I know Bethany was trying to make me feel better by discussing the percentages of survival rate, etc., and it worked last night. It worked until I saw the positive result.
I’m not asking her to stick with me. That is unfair to Bethany. She is beautiful, vibrant, sexy as hell, nice, sweet, loving, caring, and deserves a hell of a lot more than I can give her. She certainly doesn’t deserve to be tied to a guy with cancer. And, if I don’t make the break, then she won’t.
I’ll lose one of my testicles, if it’s only in one. Then there is chemo or radiation or both? I don’t even know if it’s spread and I don’t want her by my bedside while I die.
Yes, I’m looking at this with the darkest scenario, but it’s better that way. Always be prepared for the worst. That way you’re never disappointed or taken by surprise unprepared. Luck hasn’t exactly been with me. If it hadn’t been for Louie, I’d probably be dead already anyway.
I stop in the middle of the street and look around. Where the hell am I going?
Nowhere? Anywhere?
I can’t go home. Not until I get my shit together. The guys know me too well and will know that something is up. I will tell them, eventually, but not until I know for certain what it is they need to know. They’ll be there, that I don’t doubt. The girls too, but they will want to know details and I’ll need to have the answers. I’m not telling them anything until I know it all.
Bethany says she’s going to get me a doctor. I told her that she didn’t have to, but I know she is going to anyway. She’s too stubborn not to. I will let her do that because I need one and I don’t know where to begin, but after that, it’s over. As much as I want her in my life and need her, I’m not dragging her down with me. It’s not fair to her.
My phone dings and I pull it from my pocket.
Bethany: Dr. Melligrew can see you in 30. He’s the best. Be there. Don’t make me look for you.
Me: Thanks.
I immediately head for the subway, my stomach in knots and my hands shaking. I’m barely going to make it there in time and hope I’m not late. As much as I don’t want to do this, I have to. Early diagnosis and all that. If I put it off, I will definitely be dead.
Once I get to the hospital, I head up to the oncology floor, that’s where the information desk sent me. Bethany is in the hall when I get there.
“What are you doing here?”
“I’m not letting you do this alone.”
I should have expected this. “I am doing it alone.”
“No, you aren’t.”
I grasp her upper arms gently so she’ll understand and as much as I just want to pull her close because I really need her right now. I bend and look her in the eye. “I don’t want you here. I don’t want you around while I’m going through whatever I am going to have to do.”
Pain flashes in her blue eyes. “I thought you were just upset this morning.”
“I was, but this is for the best. Go away, Bethany.”
“So, we were a couple last night, but now we are done?” There is a hard edge to her voice and I suspect that if we weren’t standing in the middle of a hospital hall she’d be yelling at me.
That’s fine. I deserve to be yelled at.
“We weren’t sure I had cancer last night.”
“So, that’s it. You might have a disease so I’m supposed to just go away and forget about you.”
“It’s for the best.”
“No, Christian. It’s not. Not for you. Not for me.”
“You don’t know me well enough to know what’s best for me.”
Bethany jerks back as if I had slapped her.
“Fine, be alone.” She turns and walks away and my heart never hurt so much in my life.
Bethany was the best thing that has happened to me in a really long time and I just threw it all away. She’ll probably hate me after this and I can’t blame her one bit, but it is for the best.
There is no possible way I could have worked in the ER today. Thank goodness my instructor gave me the day off because I need it.
Christian’s words hurt. They cut deeper than I could imagine. Yet, despite that, my heart goes out to him. I’m worried. He is scared. At least he isn’t really alone. He has the guys he lives with, and the girls from high school, and Louie. Yet, he is alone because I’m the only person who knows and I promised not to say anything. I will honor that despite the way he just treated me. Christian just needs to come to this on his own. If he still doesn’t want me around, then so be it. But, I will be here when and if he does.
Yes, it was a short-lived romance and perhaps this is the implosion I feared, but it’s more than that. He’s pushing me away so I don’t have to do this with him and I’ll be damned if I let him.
He can go it alone for now, but I will be back, after it has all sunk in, and he knows what is going on, what needs to be done, and he has talked to his friends. If he kicks me out then, I’ll leave him alone. If not, I will be there to support him.
If fear and pain weren’t behind his words, I would never speak to him again. And, maybe I’m a fool, and I’ll regret holding on, but I don’t know how not to. Not when I know that he is going to need me. Not when I care so much about him. We weren’t together all that long, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t start to fall in love with Christian either.
After closing my apartment door, I head to the fridge, take out the leftover pizza and put some on a plate.
His feelings couldn’t have changed overnight.
I stop as a shiver go
es through me. “Unless, we were a couple only because he thought I was pregnant.”
With that I sink down onto a stool.
He did come here right after he got off the plane. Except, he didn’t have a suitcase or anything else. Does that mean he went home first and then came here?
There’s nothing wrong with that, but why did he come here? Was it just for sex and to give me fabric?
What exactly are we to each other?
Have I made it more than it is? Did I build up a romance that doesn’t really exist?
We had a wild weekend and then he was gone for two weeks. There was absolutely nothing about being a couple or a future or anything until he saw the pregnancy test on my bathroom counter.
And, as soon as I wasn’t pregnant, but he got a positive result, he cut me loose.
Is it the cancer or is he done with me? Would he have only stuck around if I was pregnant?
We talked about seeing how we fit when he got back.
Was it just too much too soon?
The package he brought back from Portland is still by my sewing stuff. All I know is that it’s fabric, but I never checked to see if any matches.
After turning on the lights, one by one I take out the material and hold it up to the quilt. With each piece I smile a little more until I’m done.
There are no longer any holes in my quilt and I can now sew it all together.
Except, do I really even want it now? This was a fun project, even more enjoyable when Christian sent me fabric. If what we had is really over, do I want the quilt? Every time I look at it I’m going to think of Christian and do I really want that reminder for the rest of my life?
But I can’t not make it. Not after a year of looking for fabric. Not after Christian went to quilt stores in three cities.
Then it hits me. I won’t make it for me. I’ll make it for him. A parting gift that he can do with what he pleases, because I can’t not make the quilt. But first, I need to head out to get a lot of black material. If this is going to be for Christian, the border is not going to be white. If I never see him again, so be it, but at least I won’t have the quilt to remind me that he was here.
36
Dr. Melligrew confirmed what I feared after doing a physical examination. What he couldn’t tell me was what kind, how bad, and how far it had spread. First up, was a CT Scan with a needle biopsy. Not pleasant, though I can’t imagine anyone would enjoy the experience. That confirmed the cancer and I was next scheduled for an MRI, the first scan to check out the rest of my body. That was the longest hour of my life. It was like lying in a coffin and not being able to move. I was pretty sure I was going to hyperventilate before it was over.
The next day I had to go back for a PET scan. Supposedly that is supposed to spot small collections of cancer cells and to help check to see if the cancer has spread. The next day, they scheduled a bone scan. Dr. Melligrew did every scan, ran every test, and I’m pretty sure I’ve had more blood drained from me than I usually have taken when I give blood. Today, I get the results.
Three long days of tests and avoiding my roommates. Three long days of no Bethany. I came close to texting and calling so many times that I lost count. But I can’t bring her into this. I made the break, which was better for her. She has a life and doesn’t need to be tied to me and my sickbed, and if I didn’t break from her, she’d not abandon me. This was for her.
I’ve used every excuse in the book as to why I wasn’t home or why I disappeared into my room. I was looking for a job. Checking out bands. Working on a resume to present to St. Cecilia’s High School so I can apply for the band director’s job.
And, they were all lies.
Luckily, the guys have been busy too so I didn’t have to avoid them all that much.
I also avoided Bee Bee’s. I need to talk to Louie and the guys, but not until I know what’s going on. Why worry them when I have no answers. No, I can’t tell anyone until I have all the information, which I’ll find out this morning.
I’ve never lied to the guys before. I just didn’t say anything, and I feel like shit for doing it. But, this is for the best. Tonight, I’ll sit them down and let them know what is going on. Just like I made all the plans for the tour and how I was going to find Scarlett for over a month before I told them.
My appointment is at nine in the morning, but I’ve been up for hours. I’m not even sure I actually slept. But, now that my shower is out of the way, I’m ready to get dressed and head to the hospital. All I can pray is that none of the cancer has spread. If it has, well, I don’t know. I really don’t.
“What’s going on?”
Sean is on my bed, the pillows bunched behind him so that he’s sitting up.
“What do you mean?” I grab clothes out of my closet.
He just stares at me.
“What?”
“Something is going on.”
I just shrug.
“Look, I can call all the guys in here and we’ll get it out of you.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Grabbing the rest of my clothes I head back into the bathroom to dress in peace.
Sean is still on my bed when I come back out. “Don’t you have to be at work?”
“That depends.”
“On what?” I snap.
“On what’s bugging you.”
Rubbing my temples I sink down into a chair. “Why do you think anything is going on?” He’s not going to leave me alone until he’s satisfied.
“Because I know you.” Sean sits up and swings his legs around the side of the bed so that he’s facing me. “When you have things going on, you keep it in, get in your head, mull it around, and then come out with whatever it is.”
“So.”
“What’s been happening inside there since you got back?”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell him, but I don’t really know everything yet. “Bethany and I broke up.”
His eyes widen, then he frowns. “You didn’t date her long enough for the way you’ve been acting. Hell, you’ve dated girls at least twice as long and didn’t act this way.” He straightens. “Unless she dumped you.”
“No.” I shake my head. “I made the break.”
“Why?”
Because I’m not going to drag her into what is to come. “Just because.” I really have no answer and out of all the guys, I have the hardest time lying to Sean. He can read me like a book. Out of all the guys, he is the quietest, and the most observant and I should have known he’d start asking questions.
“Are you ever going to stop flying solo?”
I blink at him. “Because I broke up with a girl.”
“Whatever is going on with you has nothing to do with Bethany.”
Sean is staring at me. He knows there is more and suddenly I do want to tell him. Someone. “I’ve got cancer.”
His jaw drops. “Seriously?”
“Would I joke about this?”
“Why the fuck didn’t you tell us?” He yells. “Tell me?”
My throat tightens at the hurt in his voice.
I get why he’s yelling. I’d be doing the same in his shoes. Even though keeping things to myself is how I roll, I hate it when the others do that to me.
“I don’t have all the answers yet.” I tell him calmly.
“So, you might not have cancer.”
“No, I do. Testicular.”
I wait for that to sink in.
“Bethany found it.”
“So you dumped her?” Sean snorts. “It’s not like she caused it.”
“That’s not it. I just didn’t want to drag her into this.”
Then I explain about the pregnancy scare, the test, her getting me a doctor and me breaking up.
“You’re a shit.”
“I know”
“Well, that explains some stuff.”
“What?”
“Mary said that Bethany has been avoiding her. Too busy to talk, and things like that.”
“She promised not to tell anyone, including Mary.”
“So, even after you dump her, she keeps your secrets.”
“What can I say, she’s too good for me.” Way too good, and now she’s free.
Sean is just shaking his head. I know he’s disappointed in me. Hell, I’m disappointed in me but it’s for the best.
“So, are you still getting tests? What’s going on?”
I swallow and try to get past the lump in my throat. “I have an appointment to get all of my results at 9 and then Dr. Melligrew is going to give me my treatment options, prognosis and all of that.”
Sean stands. “And you were just going to go there alone?”
“I am going alone.”
“Hell no you aren’t.” He grabs his phone and punches in a number. “I can’t make it in today,” he says into the phone.
“Don’t miss work for me.”
He hangs up. “You’re family and you aren’t doing this alone,” he says as he heads out.
“Don’t tell the others.”
He stops. “They will want to know. Christian, you aren’t alone and haven’t been for a really long time.
“I’m glad you will be there, but I don’t want a group. I can’t. It’s too much and I’ll need to process what I’m being told.”
He frowns and then gives a nod of his head. “But you’ve got to promise to tell everyone tonight.”
“I will.” That was already the plan. “Shake, rattle, and roll, right?”
Sean gives me a look. “This isn’t a bad break, a shitty class, or any of the shit we had to deal with in college.”
He’s right. “I know, but I need that attitude in my head to get through this.”
After a moment, he nods. “You’re right. Shake, rattle and roll. We got this.”
“Mary and Bethany, inventory the supplies,” the head nurse instructs. “We are slow right now, but it was busy last night.” She hands us a clipboard. “This is everything that we should have and the number of each. Make sure we get restocked.”
Mary takes the clipboard as I head to the closet.
Shake, Rattle and Roll: The Baxter Boys #4 (The Baxter Boys ~ Rattled) Page 20