“Job site about three blocks from here.”
“We’ll have to do a blood test,” I tell him. “Since it’s a work injury and all.”
“That’s fine. They aren’t going to find any drugs and I only had one drink last night.”
He seems sober enough, but it’s a requirement that all work injuries get tested.
“Sorry to hear about you and Christian,” Ryan says.
“Me too.” I’m not going to lie and pretend that I’m okay with it because I’m not. It’s still too soon. Maybe I’d be okay if things were different. Like if I wasn’t pregnant and he dumped me because things were getting complicated for him. After giving it a lot of thought, he didn’t dump me because of me. At least, I don’t think so.
I really hope that isn’t the case because it would suck if he decided he didn’t like me at all.
“How’s he doing?” I shouldn’t ask, but I can’t help myself.
“He’s worried about the surgery and what is to come but it sounds like he will be okay.”
“Good.”
“You did know that, right?” Sean asks cautiously.
“I didn’t know the results or prognosis until Mary told me this morning,” I answer honestly. “Christian shut me out when I met him before his appointment with the oncologist. I haven’t talked to him since.”
Sean and Ryan share a look.
“You’re here about Sean’s hand and not what may have happened with me and Christian,” I remind them. I’m not going to tell them anything they don’t already know and it’s very unprofessional of me to even discuss my life.
“Give him time,” Sean says.
“For what?” I go the computer and order up the blood draw.
“He’ll come around. You aren’t the only one he shut out.”
“Look, what Christian and I had was one weekend, and two weeks of texting. That’s it.” It was a very short relationship and I did start to fall in love with him. Not that I’ll tell Sean or Ryan that, but in the grand scheme of things, it was only a beginning and not a long-term love affair.
“It was more to him,” Ryan says.
“You are reading more into it than there was.” I start washing the blood from Sean’s hand. The cut is really deep. “You’re lucky you didn’t lose your hand.”
The doctor steps inside and greets Sean, then starts examining his hand. “You probably already guessed that you’re going to need stitches,” he says. “And a tetanus, unless yours is up to date.”
“Got one last year.”
“Good.” He nods. “Bethany, why don’t you get it cleaned out and then I’ll be back to stich him up.” The doctor goes to the cabinet and gets a syringe and vial. “We’ll just get you numbed up before she starts digging around, okay.”
“Sure doc,” Sean says as if it’s no big deal. There are scars all over his hands and arms, but most of them are small. He probably gets hurt a lot working construction.
“There’s some dirt and particles in there, so make sure you get them all,” the doctor tells me as he leaves.
I position Sean’s hand so I can work on it and take a seat then pull a tray over and grab the tweezers.
“Don’t write him off yet,” he says.
“He’s written me off,” I counter as I pull a small piece of metal from the wound.
“It’s his way to shut out people when things go bad. He does come around.”
He’s not telling me anything I hadn’t already figured out on my own.
“He’s going to need you,” Ryan says.
“Christian has all of you so I’m sure he’s going to be fine.”
“He knows he fucked up with you,” Sean says.
My heart skips for a moment and I glance up at him. “Did he tell you that?”
“Not in so many words, but I know the guy.”
I go back to cleaning the hand. “Don’t look for something that isn’t there.” And, don’t get my hopes up.
“What if he came to you and admitted he was an assjerk?”
I snort at the name and can’t help but chuckle. Christian is a major assjerk and I wish I could hate him, or even dislike him, but I’m only just hurt.
“So, does that mean you’d forgive him?” Ryan asks hopefully.
I blow out a sign. “It doesn’t matter what I would or wouldn’t do because he’s not coming back around.” I wash out some dirt, then grab the tweezers to get the dirt that’s still stuck inside. “Besides, he shut me out when things got difficult. Who is to say he wouldn’t do the same again?” It’s an honest answer. “I’m not sure I want to deal with that.”
“His own worst enemy,” Sean grumbles. “But, if he does wise up. At least hear him out.”
Oh, if only they knew. Of course I’d hear him out, but there is a lot more involved than me forgiving Christian. I’m not sure if I want to be with a guy who runs at the first sign of trouble, especially when we have bigger things on the horizon. “I’d hear him out, but don’t expect any promises.” I pull out more metal. “Besides, you guys are assuming he wants to see me again, and I doubt that he does.” That is what I need to hold on to because if I hope that things have changed and he wants me, I’m setting myself up for only more hurt and right now, I need to be strong and learn how to do everything that is coming on my own.
Sean winces as I dig deeper.
“Sorry. Do you need more lidocaine?”
“Maybe?”
I’m not surprised that he’s feeling the pain. It is taking longer to clean the wound than I thought it would, and it’s a lot deeper than I originally thought. I give it a rinse again and spot white. A bone. Swallowing back bile, I blink. Since when does looking at a wound or bone make me woozy? I’ve seen much worse.
I grab the side of the bed to steady myself as darkness floods my vision.
“You oaky?” Ryan’s voice is far way, but I sense him moving toward me.
“Bethany,” is all I hear as darkness closes in.
38
The music is there, lyrics too, for the first time in a long time. Maybe it’s because I don’t feel so weighed down now. Once I told the guys and then let it sink in that I’m probably going to be okay, I was freed. All that is left is some fear of the unknown. I’ve never gone under the knife before, and they are taking that knife to a very delicate part of my body. The part that most men protect more than anything else. But, I’ll still have a testicle. I’ll still get an erection and I’ll still have and enjoy sex. Or, I should be able to at least. And, as long as they don’t radiate my other testicle, I can have children. But, even if they do, I’ve got swimmers stored. Hopefully whoever I end up with won’t mind getting pregnant in a less than romantic way.
All the reasons I put Bethany away from me are gone. I’m not going to have months of chemo, or of being sick and losing my hair, while I waste away. I’m going to be able to be with her physically in a way she deserves, and I’ll pretty much be recovered in a short time. But, because I’m an ass, I let fear decide everything and I lost her.
That is where the music is coming from. The fear that I’ll be alone because I can’t hold on to a good thing. Fear that I pushed away the one person who could have been “the one”. Yes, it was only three weeks, but my gut knew Bethany was a hell of a lot more than a fun weekend and I screwed it up.
What I’m writing now is for her. It’s all about her. It’s sad, it’s lonely and it’s wanting. The song that will probably haunt me. The song I might never play again after it is done.
The front door opens and I glance up as Sean and Ryan walk in. Sean’s hand is wrapped up like he broke it or something. “What the hell did you do?”
“Argued with a table saw and lost.”
“You’ve still got fingers don’t you?” I clinch my fist. As a musician, losing my fingers would be worse than having a testicle cut off.
“Side of the hand. Stitches and I won’t be able to work for a week or so.”
“Bethany cleaned it out.” Ry
an grins.
My gut tightens. “How is she?” Do I have a right to ask? Probably not, but I want to know. Hell, she’s all I’ve been thinking about.
“Fine, until she passed out.”
I stiffen with alarm. “Passed out?”
“Yep, looking down at Sean’s hand, getting crap out of it, then she goes all pale and starts to fall over. I got there in time so she didn’t hit her head or anything.”
“I’m pretty sure nurses aren’t supposed to pass out when cleaning a wound. Maybe she should rethink her profession,” Sean adds.
“Is she okay?” I’m putting my sax aside so I can go find her. “Is she in the hospital? What’s wrong?”
The two of them stand back, shoulder to shoulder, arms crossed over their chest.
“What?”
“I thought you didn’t care?” Ryan challenges me.
“I never said I didn’t care.” I care too much for knowing someone for so short a time.
“But you don’t want her,” says Sean.
“That is not why I pushed her away.” They both know that. It had nothing to do with my feelings or her, but all the other crap going on.
“Ah, so you do want her.” Ryan grins.
“Maybe even loves her?” Sean poses the question to Ryan.
“At least lots of like and lust,” he returns.
“Is she okay and what was wrong?” I demand, not wanting to put up with their shit right now. Not when something could be wrong with Bethany. A person doesn’t pass out for no reason.
“She’s fine,” Sean insist. “We wouldn’t leave until Mary assured us of that.”
“Mary?” Dylan asks as he comes in from the kitchen then sees Sean’s hand. “What the hell did you do?”
“That’s not important,” I retort. My heart his pounding so hard, panic like I haven’t experienced since I saw that damned positive on the pregnancy test. What if Bethany is sick too? Her family is in Kentucky and all she has is Mary and a couple of guys that live in her building looking after her. If she’s sick, she shouldn’t be alone. “What did Mary say? What is wrong with Bethany?”
“Calm down. She forgot to eat and her sugar dropped. That’s all.”
“Are you sure she’s going to be okay?”
“They got juice and protein in her and then Mary took her to the cafeteria to get some real food in her. She’s going to be fine.”
I sink down on the couch. If something bad had happened to her, or if she was really sick, I don’t know what I would have done.
“What I find interesting is that you’d go to her, in her hour of need, but shut her out the moment shit hit the fan for you,” Sean points out.
“That’s different,” I argue.
“No. That’s hypocritical,” Ryan counters.
His blow hits me like a fist to the gut. He’s right. My reaction to her possibly being sick was exactly how she was with me, and I shut her down.
“I’m a stupid, fucking ass.”
“You’ll get no argument from me.” Sean sits in the recliner and kicks his feet up. “Do we have an ice pack in the house?” he asks Dylan.
“You still haven’t told me what happened.”
“After we get Christian’s head on straight,” he says with a grin.
“Did they give you drugs too?” I snort.
“There may or may not be pain killers in my system.” His grin widens.
Shit! Sean isn’t the most talkative guy, but I’m about to get an earful. “Did you give Bethany shit too?”
“Oh, we were much nicer to her, since she didn’t do anything wrong,” Ryan settles in the opposite chair. “But we did learn a few things.”
My pulse picks up. “Like what?”
“I think she still cares.” He turns to Sean. “What do you think?”
“By the hurt in her eyes, I’m saying that is a safe bet.”
“Hurt? What hurt?”
“Oh, the pain that flashed in those baby blues each time we said your name.” Sean is no longer smiling.
My gut sinks. I knew I’d screwed up, but I was also, kind of hoping I still stood a chance, if I could figure out how to apologize and get her to forgive me.
“How badly does she hate me?” I might as well know now so I can move on.
“Nobody said anything about hate.”
Dylan comes back in and hands Sean an ice pack.
“Mary said Bethany doesn’t hate you either. She’s just hurt.”
Well, that’s reassuring, I guess.
“But, I think you have a hell of a lot of groveling in your future,” Sean laughs.
“If she’ll even talk to me,” I grumble. What the hell am I supposed to even say?
“That’s not all.” Ryan is the only one not amused. Of course, he’s not on the same stuff Sean is. “You’ve got to change your ways. Not because of her because I don’t believe in changing for another person, but for yourself, or you will be alone.”
“What do you mean?”
“To quote Bethany,” he begins. “‘He shut me out when things got difficult. Who is to say he wouldn’t do the same again? I’m not sure I want to deal with that’. That, my friend, is your own fault.”
“Unless you are going to stop doing what you always do, keep things in until you come to terms with how you want to present something, or deal with it on your own, or whatever the hell you do, you’re not going to get her back,” Sean says.
I guess he isn’t as drugged up as I thought.
“We put up with it because it is who you are and how you’ve always been. It pisses us off, but we are family and we love you. A significant other, someone like Bethany, will kick your ass to the curb before you have a chance to retreat if you keep dealing with problems like you always have,” Ryan adds. “If you want a relationship. A real one, you need to let that person in, completely, and always, not when it’s convenient.”
They are right. I know they are.
“It’s not changing who you are,” Dylan adds. “It’s changing who you are with someone else. If she’s important enough, then you need to share everything, from the beginning, and deal with it together.”
I shoot him a look. “Like when you shut everyone else out and punched a wall instead?” That’s exactly what he did when he couldn’t find Nina. It is in the past, but he was just as big a dick as I was.
“I also almost lost Mary. Don’t make my mistakes.”
The words hit home. What they are telling me is that I still have a shot. “Groveling?”
“Lots and lots of groveling.” Sean grins.
Maybe a song would work? I hope so because I’ve got nothing else. I’ll need to get it finished first.
“It’s going to have to wait until after your surgery though,” Dylan says.
“Why?”
Mary told me that Bethany is flying home for the weekend.
“Kentucky? She didn’t want to go back over spring break, why now?”
Dylan shrugs. “Mary just said that she’s been rethinking things.”
The panic starts again. “Like maybe moving back?”
“Don’t know. Believe it or not, Mary and I don’t spend all of our time talking about Bethany.”
“Well, have her find out.”
Dylan holds up his hands and takes a step back. “No can do friend. Mary doesn’t want to be in the middle of you and Bethany and neither do I.”
“It’s not really the middle,” I insist.
“It’s a fine line.” He takes a drink of his coffee then sets it on the table. “We had a long talk last night about her knowing about the breakup and not telling me. Almost an argument. She reminded me that Bethany was her friend before we met, and that trust and friendship are important, like the trust and friendship I have with you guys. So, because she doesn’t want to lose Bethany as a friend, she will hold those confidences. And, because I don’t want to lose Mary, I won’t hold it against her if there are secrets, like the breakup.”
“So, you’r
e not going to ask?”
“Nope.” He grabs his coffee cup and goes back into the kitchen.
Flying to Kentucky was exactly what I needed. Not that I want to move back here, but coming home to get grounded is sometimes necessary. I’ll see my mom and dad of course, but not before I spend time with Aunt Lily. I really need to see her more than anybody and I planned my arrival so that I’d get here when they were too busy with the horses to get me from the airport. What I didn’t expect was to burst into tears the moment I saw Aunt Lily waiting in baggage claim.
I’ve always been close to Aunt Lily. We are more like cousins than aunt and niece. She’s the much younger sister of my mom. A surprise baby, nobody planned, like mine, and was just eight when I was born. She was my first and practically only babysitter, the one I confided in, and the one who took me to Planned Parenthood so I could get on the pill, behind my parents’ backs. She got me. She still does, and the very reason I came home to her.
I love Aunt Lily like a sister I never had. She’s a spiritualist who embraces the way people lived in the past and that’s one of the reasons she’s a quilter. She also makes her own soaps, lotions, teas, jams, everything, and has a shop where she sells everything. Behind her cottage is an acre-large garden with all the herbs and flowers anyone could imagine. Some people call her a hippie and others a witch. Well, she is Wiccan so that does fit.
God I missed her.
She’s the one Mom should be fixing up with the good veterinarian since they are about the same age.
“What is wrong? I thought you were only bringing me a quilt to finish?”
I wipe my eyes and try to get myself under control
“Let’s get your bags and go back to my place.”
By the time we have my suitcase and have driven out to Aunt Lily’s cottage in the woods, I’ve calmed down. First puking, then passing out and now crying. I hope to hell the entire pregnancy isn’t going to be like this.
“So, tell me what is going on?” Aunt Lily asks as she sets a kettle of water on the burner.
A moment later, I just spill everything out. From the first time I saw Christian, meeting him, everything up until I got on the plane today. It feels good to get it all out and not have to watch what I say, or be worried that something might get repeated. Not that Mary would intentionally betray my trust, but it isn’t really fair that I ask her to keep secrets from Dylan either. What I’ve needed is to talk to someone who is levelheaded who I can trust and the reason I came to see Aunt Lily.
Shake, Rattle and Roll: The Baxter Boys #4 (The Baxter Boys ~ Rattled) Page 22