Elements of Ruin (Hijinks Harem Book 2)

by C. M. Stunich

  “I'm not asking you again, Warden,” I snapped, folding my arms over my chest and glaring. Warden met my gaze with a mulish set to his jaw and I very nearly crumbled.

  “Fudging moonbeams, fine.” He thankfully broke first and stormed past me muttering under his breath. “Stubborn blinking woman.”

  “Morgs … aren't you being a little hard on him?” Siobhan suggested gently, and I turned my fury on her instead.

  “As for you! You were not only dating one of my soul mates, but you've been secretly friends with Max. Max. For fucking months and you didn't think to mention it?” My voice was low and angry, and her face paled against her red-orange hair.

  “I'm sorry, babe, it wasn't my place …” she started to weakly defend herself but I simply pointed at the door where Warden had just exited. Her lip quivered dangerously, like she was about to cry, but did as directed and left the store.

  “Um … I thought you didn't care about her dating Dustin?” Britt asked me quietly, while grooving in a slow, gentle belly dance in time with the Shambhala music.

  “I don't. But it packed more punch, right?” I gave her a wicked grin and she snickered.

  “Darlings!” Anita's voice drew our attention as she emerged from the back room of her shop, stark freaking naked. On the outside, I could see that she was still wearing the middle-aged woman glamour she'd had on before, but when I stared ... I could see the ancient old lady the boys had promised was hiding underneath. How old had they said she was?! Three hundred and eight?! Oh, god, I could tell. “Oh, boys! I'm so glad to see you all in one piece!” She proceeded to gather Shane to her naked, old wrinkly body and hugged the shit out of him. “After all that nastiness with Kuntemopharn …” She released Shane and moved on to Reg. “I was so worried!”

  “Good Morning, Anita.” George smiled, ever the polite one of the group, and she beamed as she wrapped her arms around him and squeezed. Her saggy ass jiggled a little as she hugged him and I swear, I saw a flash of wizard's sleeve from within her unruly mane of pubic hair.

  Gag.

  I had no idea how to stop this whole seeing through people's glamour thing, but I like, really wanted it to stop. Now. Or, like, yesterday even.

  “Hang on just a dingo loving minute here,” I interrupted their little love-fest. “How the hell do you know about Kuntemopharn's attack already? It only happened like … a few hours ago.” Okay, I had no idea how long it'd been since all the nastiness with Bio Dad and the Many Moms. Hey … that could be a comic or something. Pity I couldn't draw.

  “Oh darling,” Anita cooed, having released Billy from her naked hug and coming toward me with open arms. I shook my head and backed up a step, but she was too damn quick and before I could say fair dinkum, she was on me with a body like a peeled prawn that’s been soaking in water too long.

  “Everyone felt that little power show you all put on. I have to say, it's really put your sept on the magical map, so to speak. It's been a very long time since anyone has set off fireworks quite like that.” She released me and patted her gray hair nervously, hand passing through the glossy red waves of her glamour. Her real hair was long, hanging loose down to her waist, and she wore a crown of flowers. She even had little ribbons and blossoms knotted into the lengths of her hair.

  “Damn girl, you're gonna have a hell of a time getting those braids undone!” Britt commented, bending at the waist and taking a closer look at Anita's crotch where she did indeed have her pubic hair decorated the same as her, um … head hair.

  “Now, I take it you're here for another glamour, my child?” She clapped her hands together and beamed, her dirty pillows wobbling with the movement and drawing my attention to the fact that she had both nipples pierced with little bone-shaped bars.

  “Yes, if you don't mind, Anita?” George answered for me, probably having noticed my lack of focus.

  “Of course, it's no bother! I just need some fresh ingredients. Yumo!” She sang out, and the pussy shifter raised her head from what must have been a riveting game of Candy Crush. When I say she sang, I literally mean she sang it, like an opera singer.

  “Yes, mistress?” The cat-girl replied, with a bit of a purr to her voice.

  “I need some fresh rat for a glamour potion. Be a dear, would you?” Anita smiled at her like she'd just asked for a cup of sugar from the kitchen, and I gagged a little. Magic was so damn gross.

  The pussy, Yumo, sighed and rolled her eyes like a petulant teenager but within seconds had morphed down to the same domestic looking house cat I'd seen carrying around a decapitated rat the first time we'd come here. The little feline then darted past us and into the back of the shop where I imagined all the juiciest rats were? I didn't know. This whole thing was as crazy as a cockatoo.

  “Come, come, Yumo won't be long. She catches the wee beasties very quick, but she has to eat the rest of the carcass before I can use the tail. Silly rules of magic, you know?” She laughed like I actually knew what she was talking about rather than staring at her like she was speaking Klingon.

  Her wobbling naked booty led us through to the back room where she had concocted the potion for us last time and the boys handed over the cup while Shane held onto the knife thing. Oh, sorry, I meant the chalice and athame.

  “You know the process, dear.” Anita's grin in the dim artificial light suddenly looked like the grin of a great white who had spotted a penguin. And I was the penguin.

  “Um … maybe these runes aren't so bad after all … ?” I hedged, unzipping the god-awful jacket to look at them again. “See, it just looks like I really liked this pattern and tattooed it all over me. Right? No glamour needed, sorry to waste your time.”

  Backing away from the crazy naked witch woman, I bumped into Billy's solid, leather jacketed frame and he held me firm.

  “Firebug …” he scolded. “Get the damn glamour back in place, so you stop lighting up like a fuckin' Christmas tree whenever you're turned on.” Case and point, as he spoke, he pressed the hard bulge in his pants against my ass and my runes flared up like I was Edward freaking Cullen in the sunlight.

  “Fine,” I muttered, holding out my hand and squeezing my eyes shut tight, “but one of you do it. I don't trust the naked witch.”

  Billy laughed, but Shane took the knife and cupped my hand in his rough man-palm, doing the deed as quick as a flash.

  Prying my eyes back open, I found George tying a bandage around my hand and gave him a grateful smile. In the corner, Anita hummed to herself while she mixed up all the other ingredients and poured boiling water from her cauldron into the chalice.

  As we waited for her to finish, the distinct sound of cracking bones and chewing echoed around the room. Unable to help myself, I looked under the table and was met by Yumo's golden glare as she held a little rodent down with her paws and used her fangs to rip its little head clean off its body.

  “Oh, no, sweetheart,” Anita chided me, tapping me on the chin to bring me away from the cat. “Yumo doesn't like when people watch her eat. It's a very private thing, you know?”

  “Eating … rats?” I clarified, with an eyebrow raised.

  “Don't be so judgmental, Arizona,” Anita scolded. “She doesn't judge you for eating dick, now does she?”

  “I wonder what it tastes like,” Britt mused, while inspecting the various jars and dried things on the shelves.

  “Dick? I think you already know, Fido,” Reg snickered and Britt smacked him in the gut.

  “Rat, you asshole. Besides, I'm not the only one who knows what dick tastes like … am I, Reggy boy?” She smirked at him then made lewd hand and mouth gestures to simulate giving a blow job.

  “Ah, there we go, all done.” Anita fished the rat's tail off the ground from where Yumo had just dropped it while licking her fangs proudly. The witch muttered her spell and waved her hand around, causing the green sludge to poof up in a cloud of foul smelling gas, then handed the cup to me.

  “Drink up, dear!” She beamed at me and I gagged a bit at the s
mell of it. The rat's tail lay floating on the surface of the sludge like it was taunting me with its grossness.

  Holding my nose, I braced myself and quickly skulled the contents of the chalice before I could think too much about it. When I reached the bottom, I took a huge breath to try and keep it all down.

  “You okay?” George asked tentatively, and I nodded with my lips shut tight. I needed a moment just to ensure I didn't hurl it all up again.

  “Here,” Reg offered, holding out a little silver flask.

  Still not trusting myself to speak, I took the flask from him and drank a healthy mouthful, letting the whiskey burn away the horrific taste of the glamour potion. It was like, wet dog and rancid meat, mixed with poop. Nasty.

  “Thank you, Reg,” I gasped, as the whiskey burned a path to my stomach. “Fuck I love you.”

  “Uh … say what now?” Britt squawked with her eyes bugging out of her head. Even the guys looked like they'd just seen a freaking ghost.

  “What?” I panicked. “What did I say?”

  “Um, you said you love me?” Reg replied. A cocky smile slid across his lips and I stopped breathing.

  “Whiskey,” I choked out, “I love whiskey.” What the ever loving fuck was wrong with me today?!

  “Uh-huh.” Reg nodded, looking like the cat who'd ate the rat, so to speak. “Sure.”

  Just to punctuate this little shit show, Yumo the Pussy proceeded to vomit up half digested rat guts all over my boots.

  “That's … nice,” I said, shivering a little as I stepped back and frowned at the caterpillar like hairball lying next to my toe. “Do you think maybe I could get a potion to go, too? Just in case of emergency.”

  “Already on it,” the old witch said as the cat flicked her tail and glared up at me like I was the stupidest person she'd ever seen in her life. Heh. Typical cat reaction, I wasn't offended. “But if you really want a strong glamour, I'll need the blood of your last two soulmates.”

  “We're not soulmates,” I said, but the argument sounded weak, even to me.

  “The reason it broke before was because it was only partially complete,” she continued, pausing to curl a strand of gray hair into a chalice that was a lot fancier and a hell of a lot older than mine. Anita tipped it back and slowly, almost slow enough to be grotesque, her glamour solidified to the point I couldn't see through it anymore—her body softened up, her skin smoothed out, and her hair turned the same shimmering red-orange it had been the last time I saw her. “Now that's better, isn't it?” she said, tossing a girlish wink over her shoulder.

  “You better not be staring at her ass,” I said, noticing Reg raising his eyebrows as he studied the change in Anita's glamour. Tossing me a grin and a wink, he raked his fingers through his blonde hair and licked his lower lip.

  “Why not? Because you love me?” he whispered and I felt my cheeks heat. Whatever I'd said, that was most assuredly not the case. Sorry, but love doesn't happen in a week—it has to be earned. The thing was, I felt like these guys had a really high chance of actually being able to do it.

  And in record time, too.

  “I'm definitely staring at her ass,” Billy said, lighting up a cigarette.

  The witch whipped her head around and gave him a look that could freeze hell over.

  “No smoking,” she breathed and I swear to god, I thought I saw fire escape from her lips.

  With a roll of his orange-brown eyes, Billy turned to go and then paused, like he'd just thought the better of it.

  Ah, Warden. Fucking goddamn Warden.

  “Well, if you're not planning on getting any blood from the energy elemental, then why'd you bring him?” Anita asked with a sniff, her naked body perky and taught but still, you know, bouncing around all over the place. I found it distracting—apparently so did Reg and Billy, although not seemingly in a sexual way—but George and Shane were focused on a text message.

  “I didn't bring him,” I said, casting the boys a look. As Anita puttered around the room in her birthday suit, I scooted closer to Shane and George and tried to look stern. “Why is Warden here?”

  “He's worried about Dustin,” Billy ground out through his teeth, and I noticed his charcoal hair was stuck to his forehead with sweat. I'd thought Shane was the most bothered about the whole Warden situation before but whereas he seemed to be latched onto the idea of being angry, Billy was hurt. He was trying not to show it, but it was there. “We didn't ask him to come.”

  “No, but he's here anyway,” I said with a sigh, touching my fingers to my skin and thinking about the bare spots between the runes. I'd had sex with Warden, so I was connected to him magically, but I hadn't been marked.

  Fuck.

  I was going to keep getting random bolts of lightning when I was upset, wasn't I? Unless I fucked him again. And god, for the life of me, I just couldn't see that happening. Not, of course, because I wasn't attracted to him, but because it was pretty freaking clear he didn't want me.

  “So what do we do?” I asked as Shane finally looked up and met my eyes, his denim blue ones crinkling at the edges with concern.

  “Your friend says she knows where Daniel might be headed?” he asked, his Southern accent thick and drawling. Just hearing it made me go weak at the knees. “Because COCS sure don't have any clue where to go.”

  “Having trouble finding the hole, huh?” Reg joked, but nobody laughed. Warden's presence was just … it was a little much for all of us, I think.

  “I mean with CUM just coming out of COCS Heads,” Shane began, and I raised an eyebrow.

  “Sorry to interrupt,” I said with a small, nervous chuckle, “but you, like, literally said that on purpose.”

  “Sugar, you best get that brain of yours out of the gutter,” he said as George took the phone and handed it to me. “The Chaos United Movement is being run by previous heads of the Committee of Combined Supernaturals—they know a hell of a lot more about what's going on in this area than your average revolt.”

  Looking down at the screen, I felt my throat clench tight.

  There was a news article about the deaths of several dozen county employees, maintenance crews working in the sewers.

  Had to be Bio Dad and the Mums. Who the fuck else would be snaking through the catacomb of pipes underneath NYC?

  “This whole crew,” George said, his voice soft but strong. He had a quiet strength about him that reminded me of the forest … and he had the hard wood to match. “These were all sewer trolls, so … supernaturals. They're hunting them and absorbing power for another fight. If we give them too much time to recover, there's a chance we won't walk away so lucky next time.”

  My skin pebbled and I felt nausea roll over me that had nothing to do with the rat tail I'd just downed (seriously, it didn't). This reaction, it was entirely due to fear. Fear of death because … let's be honest, I hadn't really accomplished much in life. And fear of losing something I didn't know quite how to name.

  Love, companionship, adventure.

  “Let's get this glamour and get the fuck out of here then,” I said with a deep breath, meeting the eyes of each of the four men standing in the room with me. “And let's find Dustin.”

  After our visit to the witch shop, it was getting late and the seven of us—my boys, me, Warden and Siobhan—were tired as fuck. Even Gram seemed tired and she was, you know, like dead and shit.

  Britt … was decidedly not.

  “For a man to be that hung and also that talented, it's a rare thing. Usually when they're packing salami sandwiches in their boxers, they're lazy lovers. They think just because they have a nine inch uncircumcised cock that they can just stick it in and voilà, orgasm. Aldrich isn't like that.”

  “Can we please resume this discussion in the morning?” I said with a yawn, fluffing the pillows on the guest bed and feeling a little guilty for kicking Siobhan into a room of her own while I shared with Britt. I just … I was still pissed at her.

  Tomorrow, we had plans to head to this little upstat
e New York town where Siobhan was convinced Dustin was being held. How or why, I wasn't sure. I hadn't asked. I figured that was Tomorrow-Ari's problem.

  Tonight-Ari's problem was getting Britt to shut the fuck up about her new beau’s dick so I could get to sleep. Frankly, I'd have rather shared a room with the boys but I felt uncomfortable sleeping with them when I knew it would lead to sex … and sex with Warden in the house? With stray lightning bolts flying everywhere?

  Uh, no thanks.

  A knock on the door made me groan. I was just crawling between the crisp, yummy sheets. What the fuck was it now?!

  “Smokey, we need to talk.” Warden's sexy husky voice travelled through the door and my heart skipped a beat. Damn him.

  “No, Warden, I think we're good. Go to sleep.” Avoidance. Never failed anyone, right?

  “Dude, you're being childish. You're a grown ass woman, now start acting like one and let me in,” he snapped, a thread of his trademark temper underscoring his words.

  “No!” I yelled back. “Fuck you!”

  Okay, so I was tired as shit so my banter was not as on point as it really could have been. Warden was pissing me off now, rather than just hurting me, and I was likely to go nuclear if I let him in.

  “Arizona Morgan Smoke, if you don't open this door right this instant I swear I will bust in there and probably find Britt nude!” Warden's voice was now tight with anger and I knew he was just as close to boiling over as I was.

  Good. Maybe he'd stop being such a cold bastard toward me.

  Hopping up from the bed, I ignored Britt's muttered insults and threw the door open so hard it slammed into the wall, then bounced back and smacked Warden clean in the face as he tried to enter the room.

  “Seriously, Ari-Vampari?” Warden roared, clutching at his face in pain.

  “Oh sure, like I did that on purpose! Not everything is about you, Warden!” Although, it had been pretty comical timing. Who knew shit like that actually happened in real life? It was like stepping on a rake or slipping on a banana peel. Hilarious.

  My anger and resentment toward Warden didn't allow me to appreciate the humor though, as his furious glare drove my temper higher.