I walked to a corner as I tried to gather my composure but before I could reach it, I suddenly felt a pair of arms wrap around me from behind.
When I turned around, I could not help but gape, speechless.
“Surprise!” Michelle said.
“Mi-Michelle!” I screamed her name and then gave her a hug. “I thought you said you weren’t coming?”
“Well, I thought I wouldn’t be able to make it at first,” she said. “But I decided I just didn’t want to miss the chance to see my old friends again and you, of course.”
“Oh, so I’m just an afterthought.”
She poked me playfully. “Silly. I came all the way from the other side of the country, you know, so don’t you go sulking on me. By the way, was that Vincent you were talking to earlier?”
“You saw?”
“I searched the room for you first, of course,” she said. “So what did you guys talk about? Wait, should you two even be talking? Shouldn’t you be with Joseph?” She looked around. “Where is Joseph?”
“You ask too many questions,” I told her. “Vincent was only saying hi and so was I.”
“Really?” She raised an eyebrow at me.
“Really,” I said. “And as for Joseph, he’s talking to some of his friends.”
“I see,” she said. “So how have the two of you been? You’ve only given me one update, you know.”
“Well, I’m sorry I couldn’t give you an update every minute,” I said. “But we’re fine. We’re okay.”
“How do you feel about him now?” Michelle asked.
I shrugged. “I seriously don’t know but I can say it’s a good feeling.”
“You are so stubborn and naïve,” Michelle said. “I think you’re already in love with him but you just don’t want to admit it. I can tell by that look you have in your eyes when you talk about him.”
“I do not have any special look in my eyes.”
“Whatever.”
“Have you seen Elsa?” I asked her, deciding to change the subject. “She’s lost so much weight I couldn’t even believe it was her.”
She shook her head. “Like I said, I searched for you first.”
“And Gwen, I have to say her hairstyle is wonderful and Patty, she…”
We walked around the room so Michelle could meet our classmates and I could greet them a second time, in between sharing our hushed opinions. I did not exactly like to gossip but I had to admit that whenever I was around Michelle, I just couldn’t seem to stop talking about anything or anyone. That was one of the reasons why she was my best friend.
I still could not believe she was here, in the flesh, right beside me but I dared not question it. I was only too happy to be reunited with her after three years.
I almost did not want to leave her side, in fact, but after a while, when the band started playing a slow song, Joseph came to ask me to dance and so I allowed him to lead me to the dance floor.
“You seem to be having fun,” he said as he placed his hands around my waist, the unfamiliar yet somehow intimate touch making my heart skip a beat.
“Speak for yourself,” I told him as I gingerly placed my arms around his neck. “You and Samantha seemed to be having a nice conversation.”
“Oh, so you’re jealous.” It was a statement, not a question.
“I’m not,” I vehemently denied it.
He chuckled. “Why don’t you just admit you’ve fallen in love with me already?”
I grinned. “You are just…”
“So full of myself, I know,” he said as he pulled me closer so that my cheek was touching his, the contact almost making me shiver. “But don’t worry. There’s no reason for you to be jealous. You’ve always had my heart, you know.”
At the words, the closest to saying that he loved me that I had heard so far, I felt a blush coat my cheeks and it was a good thing our faces were side by side so that he didn’t notice it. Not knowing what to say, I simply kept silent and he, too, fell suddenly silent so that we just spent the dance just holding each other quietly.
It was not an awkward silence, though. Rather, it was warm and comfortable, just as he felt against me.
Until then, he had never really held me, only going so far as to holding my hand or touching my arm or my shoulder, never even hugging me, and now that I was in his arms, I felt as if we were all alone even though the auditorium was crowded, Michelle and Vincent and everyone else forgotten. I felt strangely safe, too, but at the same time, in more danger than I had ever been before.
In danger of falling in love.
Indeed, as we danced, I thought about all the times Joseph and I had spent together, both before and after we started going out, and about what Michelle had said about my eyes lighting up whenever I spoke of him, and I realized that he was the reason why I felt so happy lately, waking up with a smile every morning and going to sleep with a smile every night, why everything suddenly felt as if they had fallen into place and my life suddenly felt complete.
Did that mean I was already in love with Joseph?
Chapter Seven
“No, I’m not in love with Joseph,” I told Michelle firmly the next morning as we had breakfast at the diner – pancakes and scrambled eggs with a few strips of bacon.
“Keep telling yourself that, girl,” she said after swallowing a mouthful of pancakes. “Because I ain’t buying it.”
“Why do you insist so much that I’m in love with him?” I asked.
She put down her fork. “Fine. Tell me again what happened last night after the reunion.”
I placed down my fork as well and dabbed my mouth with a table napkin. “Joseph and I went to have coffee at the only 24-hour place in town and…”
“Alright, stop there,” Michelle interrupted me. “See, the moment you said Joseph and I, your expression changed.”
“And I’m telling you that’s just your imagination.”
“Now, you’re beginning to insult me,” she said. She took a sip from her cup of coffee before continuing. “Look, I’m your best friend. I know you. And I might not have seen you in three years but the moment I saw you, I knew something was different and I knew that Joseph had something to do with it.”
“So now you’re telling me you’re psychic?” I teased.
She grinned. “You know what? The question should be why you’re insisting that you’re not in love with Joseph when you clearly are. Is there a reason?”
I sighed. For a moment, I debated on whether or not to tell Michelle the truth, then, thinking that she was my best friend, after all, and she would never tell anyone anything I told her in confidence, I decided it was time for me to tell her the whole truth.
“I told myself I can’t fall in love with Joseph and I’m not going to,” I told her.
“Because?”
“Because…” I leaned across the table so I could finish the sentence in a whisper. “Joseph is dying.”
At the news, she gasped, then hastily covered her mouth. Then, when the shock had subsided, she crossed over to sit beside me. “What do you mean?”
“He has a brain tumor,” I whispered to Michelle. “Even I don’t know how long he has left to live.”
“Well, that certainly changes things,” Michelle said, sitting back and crossing her arms over her chest. “Wait, how long have you known this?”
“Since the beginning,” I answered.
“So you knew it before you agreed to go out with him?”
“Yes.”
“And you still agreed to go out with him?”
“Yes.”
“And now, you’re trying not to fall in love with him?” She gave me a puzzled look. “Rebecca, I don’t understand. If you didn’t want to get hurt, then you should never have agreed to go out with him.”
“I told myself I’d cross the bridge when I got there,” I reasoned. “I didn’t think I was going to fall in love with him for real.”
“But you have.”
“And I thought I
would be strong enough, that I would be able to endure losing him,” I added. “But now, I’m not so sure. In fact, just today, when I got a message from him saying that he and his sister suddenly had to go out of town, I suddenly missed him and then I started thinking about how it would be if he were no longer around and my chest just felt so tight and so painful.”
Michelle rubbed my back.
“I don’t think I’ll be able to stand losing him, Michelle,” I said. “Frankly, I’m afraid.”
Michelle sighed. Then, she placed her hand over mine. “Rebecca, I know this must hurt. There’s nothing more painful than losing the person you love, after all. But there’s nothing you can do about it now. You’re already in love with him and yet the fact remains that he…will soon be gone. All you can do is just…just love him until he’s gone.”
“We can just stay as friends,” I said. “That way, it won’t hurt so much when he leaves me.”
“Do you think it doesn’t hurt to stay friends when both of you have feelings for each other?” Michelle said. “I know what you’re trying to do. You’re trying to run away, but you can’t, Rebecca, not this time. You love him and love is not something you can run away from. Even if you leave Joseph, even if you decide that the two of you should just stay friends, you will still get hurt when he…he goes away. In fact, you’ll hurt more because you never allowed yourself to love him.”
“I don’t know, Michelle,” I said, placing my other hand on my forehead. “I was never ready for this. I never expected it, but now, I…I don’t think I can stand to lose him.”
“Ssh.” Michelle squeezed my hand. “Well, at least, now, you’re beginning to acknowledge that you do love Joseph. All that’s left to do is to tell him, to show him. I’m sure if you do, he’ll show you how much he loves you, too, and maybe that love will be enough to give you strength to face what’s to come.”
“I don’t know about that.” I shook my head. “I loved my Mom and she loved me but somehow, that made it even harder for me to let go of her.”
“But you are glad that you were able to know her and love her, right? You’re happy that she died loving you?”
I said nothing, though I could understand what she was trying to say.
“It is very difficult to lose someone you love,” Michelle went on. “But as they say, it is better to have loved and lost, then to not have loved at all. Just think, would you have preferred never to have known Joseph at all? Never to have known the warmth of his laughter or share all those wonderful memories together?”
I wanted to say that at least then, I wouldn’t know what I was missing, but could not bring myself to speak. I knew, after all, that I had no regrets about being with Joseph. Besides, I was already with Joseph. I couldn’t change that and so I didn’t want to regret it.
“Hey, cheer up,” Michelle said, smiling at me. “You’re acting as if he’s already gone. You have all the time in the world to be sad when he’s gone but for now, you should be happy.”
“Well, he’s not here right now,” I said.
“But when he comes back, you will tell him how you feel and you will try to be happy, won’t you?”
I didn’t answer. I wanted to cheer up, to be strong and happy, but somehow, I just couldn’t. I just couldn’t help but keep wondering what would happen when I lost Joseph and so I couldn’t help but feel depressed.
I felt like I had been such a fool for agreeing to go out with Joseph thinking I would be able to keep myself from falling in love with him or that I would be able to let him go afterwards – oh what a fool I was – but at the same time, I didn’t want to regret anything – I had truly enjoyed every minute with him, after all – which only left me more confused and more depressed.
I became even more depressed after Michelle left that afternoon, saying her husband would miss her if she was gone long. She was my pillar of strength and support, after all, and now that she had gone far away again, I felt weak.
To make matters worse, I received a letter from my client that evening saying that the drawings I made, while not dreadful, were not in the style she requested, two of them not conveying what she wanted them to convey, and so she wanted me to change them all. In short, she wanted me to do the drawings all over again from scratch.
I wanted to cry in frustration at that, but knowing that would not do any good, I decided to go out instead for some fresh air. I suddenly wished that Joseph was home and that I could go to his house to talk to him so that I could vent off some of my frustration but since he wasn’t, I just drove around town on my bike.
After a while, I stopped to sit on a bench in front of the diner, resting my legs and catching my breath. It was then that a familiar voice interrupted me.
“Rebecca?”
I looked up to see Vincent carrying a bag of snacks from the convenience store.
“Vincent,” I greeted him, my hand automatically reaching behind my ear to tuck some loose tendrils of hair.
He smiled. “What are you doing out here? Are you with anyone?”
I shook my head. “I was just riding my bike.”
“Is that some exercise routine or something?”
I shook my head again. “I just wanted to take a break, I guess.”
He nodded. “Well, do you want to come to my house? My brother and his fiancée, Amy, along with Amy’s friend and her boyfriend are having a movie night and they asked me to go out to get some snacks. You can join us, too, if you want.”
I hesitated, not knowing if it was the right thing to do. I was going out with Joseph, after all, so it didn’t seem right to hang out with Vincent. Then again, it wasn’t like Vincent and I were going on a date. We were just going to watch a movie at his house along with his brother and some friends.
“I…I’m not so sure,” I said, tucking some more loose tendrils behind my ear.
“Come on,” Vincent insisted. “You said you wanted to take a break, didn’t you? It’ll be fun. Afterwards, I can take you home if you want.”
I thought about it some more, then, deciding that I really did need a break, I agreed. “Alright. I guess it wouldn’t be any harm.”
He smiled, clearly pleased with my decision. Together, we hoisted my bike at the back of his truck. Then, he drove to his house while I called my Dad, telling him that I was out with my friends and that I would be home late, and that he shouldn’t worry about me. My Dad sounded even more worried after I told him that, which was often the case, but he didn’t tell me to come home early or anything, simply telling me to take care and have fun.
I had never been to Vincent’s house before and so I did not know where it was but I was glad to find out I knew the area where he lived – then again, I probably knew all of Continental after living there for twenty years. Once at his house, he introduced me to his brother, Garett, whom I had never met, and whom I could not help but think was not as good-looking as him, and then his brother introduced me to the rest of gang.
After that, I helped Vincent pour the chips into bowls and bring out the cans of soda into the living room, then we all sat down to watch the movie.
The movie happened to be ‘Troy’, which was Amy’s pick and which Vincent, Garett and Amy’s friend had not watched yet. I had watched it already and frankly, did not really love it in spite of the fact that it contained three of my favorite actors. Still, before long, I found my eyes glued to the screen, watching it as if I was doing so for the first time, my problems forgotten as I occasionally reached for the bowl of chips and took a sip from my can of soda.
When the movie was done more than three hours later, Garett, Amy and their friends went outside to have a chat before parting ways and Vincent and I were left in the living room. After cleaning up, we sat on the couch. Strangely, I no longer felt my heart pounding as it used to whenever I was in Vincent’s presence nor did I feel uneasy or eager to please, and I wondered if Joseph was the cause of it. Maybe now that I was in love with Joseph, no other man could affect me anymore…wait,
did I really say that?
“Did you like the movie?” Vincent asked me.
I nodded. “I’ve watched it before but I still liked it.”
“Oh, come on, you don’t have to be so nice,” Vincent said. “I, for one, didn’t like it.”
“You didn’t?”
“I couldn’t just leave, though, not when everyone seemed to be so engrossed with it and swooning over Brad Pitt and…”
“I was not swooning over Brad Pitt,” I told him. “And I doubt Garrett and Noah were.”
He laughed.
“Anyway, thanks for coming.”
I shook my head. “I should thank you for inviting me.”
“Would you care to tell me what’s wrong? I’m no good at giving advice but maybe you could just use someone to talk to.”
As he spoke, I realized that it was the first time that we had ever really talked, apart from that snippet of conversation last night at the reunion, which I wasn’t sure even counted as a conversation really. Mostly, I had just stared at him from afar, not having the guts to approach him, content just to admire him and have an occasional glance thrown in my direction.
At that thought, I suddenly remembered Joseph and I wondered if he, too, had been just like me, watching me from afar and having conversations with me inside his head. It made me think that what they said was true – that there is always someone secretly in love with you and that sometimes, you can get so busy chasing after someone you thought you loved that you didn’t notice your heart really belonged to the one you left behind, or the one who was just beside you but whom you never really paid attention to.
“Well?” Vincent spoke, making me realize I had fallen silent.
“Is it so obvious that something is wrong with me?” I asked him.
“Well, you looked so happy yesterday at the reunion, and now it seems you’re not.”
I sighed. “Well, a lot of stuff has happened since then, but mostly, I think I’m upset about work.”
For a moment, I thought about telling him about my problem with Joseph but decided not to. I had already told one person about Joseph’s condition that day and did not want to tell another person about it unnecessarily. Besides, I didn’t feel comfortable about talking to Vincent about something so personal since we didn’t really know each other that well in spite of the fact that I had a huge crush on him once.
A Love to Live For Page 6